I don't know if you have been following or not, but I have gone on quite a few dates with people that seem to resemble cartoon or t.v. characters in some way or another. There was the man who walked exactly like Betty Boop, and the wealthy but cheap Dr. Chandler Bing, and most recently the beloved Harry Potter half-giant Hagird. Maybe it's because I have this incessant need to date all the fictional characters I have loved over the years or maybe its because I am just that blind when it comes to finding love, but this story is no different from the others.
I sometimes wonder if I will forever be stuck in a cycle of singledom because of the peculiar choices I make in men. I have a very set and defined list of things that I would like to have from a man, yet it seems that I am the first person to throw that list out the door when it comes time to actually go on a date. I was messaging probably 10 or so guys between OkCupid and Grindr, where I was sheepishly looking for male attention and a free meal. This was before I was off Grindr (for the billionth time) which I promised all of you I was going to stay off of because I am not trying to be a hooker anymore (ok, ok, if I am going to be honest...I am back on Grindr. Not by choice. I was forced...by loneliness, such a biatch).
I decided to settle on a nice gentleman with glasses who worked in a cubicle in College Park. He was a year older than me and seemed to be cute and clever and witty through online messaging. I was trying not to get myself hyped up about him, since I had been on quite a few duds before, but it was hard since he seemed so great.
One of the big tellers of what a person is going to be like, for me at least, is the restaurant they choose for us to go to. A solid 90% of the time I end up telling a person that I want them to pick out their favorite restaurant because you really can tell a lot about a person by this. Unfortunately, I never listen to the warning signs and I walk into horrific dining situations all the time. This fine gentleman chose Olive Garden as his favorite restaurant, which is a warning sign in my mind. Coming from a partially Italian family who knows how to cook, Olive Garden is a place where families go when they are going through a rough patch at home...not a place to connect or make a love connection.
Obviously I ignored this warning and showed up to the date about 10min early. I always like to show up early so I can scope out the scene around where the date is happening. (I needz to know my escape routes in case this guy is an axe murderer or I'd like to jump off the highest building to end the date). I get a text about five minutes into the date that he is going to be about 30min late. Now here is the question I sat and asked myself, did he mean he was going to be 30min late from when he texted or 30min late from the start of the date? I thought about this for a solid 45min until he actually showed up for the date (You can do the math on that one sparky).
When he did show up he looked like he was the before photo from the obviously airbrushed photos he had posted on his profile. Then he opened his mouth....and out came what I can only describe as a Mickey Mouse type squeal. Now I am not sitting here saying that I am the most masculine guy in the world and I certainly have a case of gay voice, but I know that when I talk I am not shattering glass around me. It took every once of will power I had not to show some sort of discomfort when he talked, but I am pretty sure I ended up looking constipated. (you win some, you lose some, yet my constipated face was still cuter than that sound.)
We ended up getting a table right away, since it was now close to 9pm and most families who had come here had reconnected and are at home watching ABC Family. (I wish I was with them watching Pretty Little Liars...get on my level if you don't know what that is.#thisiswhyimsingle). Mickey Mouse seemed to be unaware of his cartoonish voice and was extremely talkative from the get go. He also seemed to be very comfortable with me because he delved into some serious issues really early on.
Mickey: Do you have a big family? Are you close with them?
Me: I have 2 brothers and a bunch of cousins. I'm pretty close with all of them! What about you?
Mickey: Well, I used to be close with my parents and sister, but then I came out and they kicked me out. My sister doesn't talk to me anymore except through random text messages telling me I am going to hell.
Me: Omg, that's awful. I'm really sorry...
Mickey: Oh its okay, I'm sure it will all blow over. I am hoping for a boyfriend to show them I am stable. Maybe you will be the first guy I bring home?!
Me: Wow, uh well this is our first date! Lets see how things go before we meet the family.
Mickey: Totally makes sense, your family sounds great. That's my other hope, that I meet someone who has a close family and adopts me. You seem to have that kind of family!
Whooaaaa, he just married my family. Like literally, this man and I have been on a date for a solid 20min and he has committed to marrying my family and bringing me over to his family to fix their relationship. Also, he kept saying I have a great family, all I told him about my family was how many brothers I have and that I am "pretty close to all of them." I am well aware of how wonderful my family is, but I haven't told this person about any of this. For all he knows we could all be into Satanism and have a cult farm in Utah. I could be the child of polygamists where I don't really know who my mom is, but I've got an inkling who it is because one of my "moms" seems to favor me by giving me easier chores. (this is what I was thinking about as he rambled about his life issues...I've got an active imagination. My mother said its endearing. Ughhh, you guys make me judge myself)
Mickey: Yeah, so I don't have a college degree because they kicked me out before my last semester and cut me off.
Me: That's terrible. Where did you go?
Mickey: I work a dead-end job and I live in the basement of this persons house not too far from here. But I can have guests over whenever I want!
Me: Uhhh...err....thats nice? Do you like it there?
Mickey: I like the rent, the people are fairly old so I can't go crazy with partying. But I gave drinking up because I tend to get out of hand. No need to get arrested again.
Me: Arrested? When were you arrested?
Mickey: Oh, for being too drunk in public! They put me in the drunk tank, it's not on my record so its not a big deal.
Holy crap ballz. This man's life is a wreck. At this point I was more concerned for his well being then getting into his pants (which is a fairly big deal for me...looking for love can get stagnant! Gotta stay sustained somehow. WHATEVER....I get it...I'm a hooker. Rude.) I literally wanted to hug him and tell him it would be alright. Mickey sure knew how to mask his vocal issues by pouring his heart and soul out onto the table for me.
As I mentioned earlier, I am normally looking for a free meal on these dates, but due to the circumstances I paid for the dinner. He felt bad so he offered for me to come back to his place (since he can have people over whenever he wants!), but I politely declined the invitation to go to the Mickey Mouse club and bid him adieu. We stayed Facebook friends for over a year with him randomly commenting on my status', until I found out last week that he had defriended me. I felt a pang of rejection...because when you are no longer attached through Facebook...you are truly no longer friends.
Fabulously Lost: Out $50 bucks, and in need of more therapy
Mickey Mouse: Not your happy-go-lucky mouse
Olive Garden: When you're there, you have mediocre food with some bangin' breadsticks
My Family: Not into Satanism or in a cult....yet. Also not polygamist...to my knowledge
I sometimes wonder if I will forever be stuck in a cycle of singledom because of the peculiar choices I make in men. I have a very set and defined list of things that I would like to have from a man, yet it seems that I am the first person to throw that list out the door when it comes time to actually go on a date. I was messaging probably 10 or so guys between OkCupid and Grindr, where I was sheepishly looking for male attention and a free meal. This was before I was off Grindr (for the billionth time) which I promised all of you I was going to stay off of because I am not trying to be a hooker anymore (ok, ok, if I am going to be honest...I am back on Grindr. Not by choice. I was forced...by loneliness, such a biatch).
I decided to settle on a nice gentleman with glasses who worked in a cubicle in College Park. He was a year older than me and seemed to be cute and clever and witty through online messaging. I was trying not to get myself hyped up about him, since I had been on quite a few duds before, but it was hard since he seemed so great.
One of the big tellers of what a person is going to be like, for me at least, is the restaurant they choose for us to go to. A solid 90% of the time I end up telling a person that I want them to pick out their favorite restaurant because you really can tell a lot about a person by this. Unfortunately, I never listen to the warning signs and I walk into horrific dining situations all the time. This fine gentleman chose Olive Garden as his favorite restaurant, which is a warning sign in my mind. Coming from a partially Italian family who knows how to cook, Olive Garden is a place where families go when they are going through a rough patch at home...not a place to connect or make a love connection.
Obviously I ignored this warning and showed up to the date about 10min early. I always like to show up early so I can scope out the scene around where the date is happening. (I needz to know my escape routes in case this guy is an axe murderer or I'd like to jump off the highest building to end the date). I get a text about five minutes into the date that he is going to be about 30min late. Now here is the question I sat and asked myself, did he mean he was going to be 30min late from when he texted or 30min late from the start of the date? I thought about this for a solid 45min until he actually showed up for the date (You can do the math on that one sparky).
When he did show up he looked like he was the before photo from the obviously airbrushed photos he had posted on his profile. Then he opened his mouth....and out came what I can only describe as a Mickey Mouse type squeal. Now I am not sitting here saying that I am the most masculine guy in the world and I certainly have a case of gay voice, but I know that when I talk I am not shattering glass around me. It took every once of will power I had not to show some sort of discomfort when he talked, but I am pretty sure I ended up looking constipated. (you win some, you lose some, yet my constipated face was still cuter than that sound.)
We ended up getting a table right away, since it was now close to 9pm and most families who had come here had reconnected and are at home watching ABC Family. (I wish I was with them watching Pretty Little Liars...get on my level if you don't know what that is.#thisiswhyimsingle). Mickey Mouse seemed to be unaware of his cartoonish voice and was extremely talkative from the get go. He also seemed to be very comfortable with me because he delved into some serious issues really early on.
Mickey: Do you have a big family? Are you close with them?
Me: I have 2 brothers and a bunch of cousins. I'm pretty close with all of them! What about you?
Mickey: Well, I used to be close with my parents and sister, but then I came out and they kicked me out. My sister doesn't talk to me anymore except through random text messages telling me I am going to hell.
Me: Omg, that's awful. I'm really sorry...
Mickey: Oh its okay, I'm sure it will all blow over. I am hoping for a boyfriend to show them I am stable. Maybe you will be the first guy I bring home?!
Me: Wow, uh well this is our first date! Lets see how things go before we meet the family.
Mickey: Totally makes sense, your family sounds great. That's my other hope, that I meet someone who has a close family and adopts me. You seem to have that kind of family!
Whooaaaa, he just married my family. Like literally, this man and I have been on a date for a solid 20min and he has committed to marrying my family and bringing me over to his family to fix their relationship. Also, he kept saying I have a great family, all I told him about my family was how many brothers I have and that I am "pretty close to all of them." I am well aware of how wonderful my family is, but I haven't told this person about any of this. For all he knows we could all be into Satanism and have a cult farm in Utah. I could be the child of polygamists where I don't really know who my mom is, but I've got an inkling who it is because one of my "moms" seems to favor me by giving me easier chores. (this is what I was thinking about as he rambled about his life issues...I've got an active imagination. My mother said its endearing. Ughhh, you guys make me judge myself)
Mickey: Yeah, so I don't have a college degree because they kicked me out before my last semester and cut me off.
Me: That's terrible. Where did you go?
Mickey: I work a dead-end job and I live in the basement of this persons house not too far from here. But I can have guests over whenever I want!
Me: Uhhh...err....thats nice? Do you like it there?
Mickey: I like the rent, the people are fairly old so I can't go crazy with partying. But I gave drinking up because I tend to get out of hand. No need to get arrested again.
Me: Arrested? When were you arrested?
Mickey: Oh, for being too drunk in public! They put me in the drunk tank, it's not on my record so its not a big deal.
Holy crap ballz. This man's life is a wreck. At this point I was more concerned for his well being then getting into his pants (which is a fairly big deal for me...looking for love can get stagnant! Gotta stay sustained somehow. WHATEVER....I get it...I'm a hooker. Rude.) I literally wanted to hug him and tell him it would be alright. Mickey sure knew how to mask his vocal issues by pouring his heart and soul out onto the table for me.
As I mentioned earlier, I am normally looking for a free meal on these dates, but due to the circumstances I paid for the dinner. He felt bad so he offered for me to come back to his place (since he can have people over whenever he wants!), but I politely declined the invitation to go to the Mickey Mouse club and bid him adieu. We stayed Facebook friends for over a year with him randomly commenting on my status', until I found out last week that he had defriended me. I felt a pang of rejection...because when you are no longer attached through Facebook...you are truly no longer friends.
Fabulously Lost: Out $50 bucks, and in need of more therapy
Mickey Mouse: Not your happy-go-lucky mouse
Olive Garden: When you're there, you have mediocre food with some bangin' breadsticks
My Family: Not into Satanism or in a cult....yet. Also not polygamist...to my knowledge
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