Bro's and Sisters?

I was put into an interesting predicament recently that was partially my fault. It has been a really long time since I have gone on more than one date with a person. I have become a first date connoisseur of sorts. I can tell almost instantly when it is going to fail and at what point I am going to bail. You'd think with expertise knowledge like this I would have mastered the rest of dating...but that is neither here nor there. Now this little tale is actually about how I have handled my recent excursion into the world of the unknown...also known as "Date 2 and Beyond."

I met this gentleman like I meet most of my gentlemen friends...online. We sparked a conversation up after he gave me a "high" rating of 4 out of 5 stars on OkCupid. Now, riddle me this, why did I feel that I should message this person after they decided I was ONLY worthy of 4 stars? I am obviously a 5 star stud. (Hardy har har...I mean...at least 4.5 right? RIGHT?). Anywhoz, whatever reasoning I had for accepting this date has abandoned ship and a part of me wishes I could take it back...but I will explain why in a bit. 

We went back and forth for a bit and decided to meet up for dinner and exchange numbers. He seemed like a fairly decent white guy from right outside of Baltimore, except...well...except he was a Bro. That's right, in all of his photos he was doing bro-y things like drinking beer and being rowdy and liking sports and weird stuff that makes me feel even more homosexual than I actually am. (Didn't think I could feel more homosexual...but I did). I tried to rationalize this by telling myself that maybe he will take care of me like bro's sometimes take care of their girlfriends. I like being taken care of. This was going to be a success. 

(I am constantly confused on how I am supposed to greet my male friends. Do we hug? Do we slap each others backs violently. WTF? No seriously...someone tell me..)

Broseph and I decided to meet on a Sunday evening at a pub not too far from my house. He lived on the opposite side of Baltimore so we decided to try and find something in the middle. But I lied. I didn't feel like driving too far from my house on a Sunday and I claimed that this restaurant in Catonsville was mid-way, except it was 10min from my house and 30 from his. The sick part...I felt like I had given myself the upperhand by choosing this place. He was now traveling a far distance just to see me. SEE WHAT GIVING ME 4 STARS GETS YOU?!?! (It's the little realizations that help me understand why I am single..)

He rolled in a little late since he didn't realize how far the restaurant was...not that I had any room to be upset. I had also already downed a gin and tonic so everything was gravy with me at that point. We ended up sitting and talking for a really long time. He opened up about his family and work and all that jazz. Tony Bromo was kinda boring but nice, plus he fed me a good amount of attention. I even ended up paying for dinner because I felt bad about making him drive further, though I didn't tell him. (I would make an AWFUL Mean Girl. Sorry Regina, I will not wear pink on Wednesday)

He then did something that made me want to see him again. Brofessor X kissed me in the rain as he walked me to my car. It was magical. It was like out of a movie. I was swept off my feet. So I immediately agreed to the second date and couldn't wait for the next cheesey cliche to happen. What I wasn't ready for was how to decide what I could and couldn't do between our dates. The night before our second date was the night that I met Black Bieber.  So I obviously didn't feel a dire need to be a one-man kinda guy yet. Our second date came and went with a casual lunch and museum walk. There was something amiss and I was desperately clawing at trying to figure out what was wrong with this gentleman. 

Our third date was planned for the following Sunday and we were supposed to do dinner and a movie. The Friday before our date I decide to go out dancing with some friends in Baltimore at the gay bar. The more I drink the more I want attention. Like a lot of attention. Like I want to be fawned over and desired and I will take it from anything that moves that has the dangly parts between their legs. (Surprisseeee...I'm classy).  I'm furiously texting with Han Brolo who was contemplating visiting me at the bar which is something I was obviously pushing for. 

The only person left with me at the bar was one of my best friends who is on the verge of black out. When she gets drunk she gets T-Rex arms...and does some....interesting things. I turn around to tell her about Broheim coming and T-Rex is flicking a shirtless shot-man's nipple piercings. (same thing as a shot-girl except a man...because we are gay and like men better. Duh.) As I was about to pull her back from this, a shirtless man grabbed my arm and began mackin' it with me. Not one to be a prude I obviously obliged in my altered state. A few minutes into this random sesh I get a text message from Brotastic letting me know he was about to enter the bar. 

(This perfectly describes my feelings at that moment)

I pulled away from Shirtless Man immediately and tried to explain why we had to stop mackin' it. 

Me: Hey...so this is awkward but this guy I am going on a third date with on Sunday is about to come in the bar

Shirtless Man: Your boyfriend is about to walk in the door? Wtf??

(he did actually say W-T-F, because we are apparently in h.s.)

Me: No, no. We are going on our third date on Sunday. Definitely not my boyfriend

Shirtless Man: So you two are dating?

Me: No, no. There is something missing and I am not sure what it is. I mean he smokes which is unattractive but there is something off. I'm taking the third date to figure it out. He cliche kissed me in the rain so I'm giving him points for that. I just don't know.

Shirtless Man: I just want to know if we have to stop making out...I don't care about your fucked up logic.

Me: A little harsh, but understandable. We should just be friends...you're a good kisser though. 

As I turn around to talk to T-Rex, I get a tap on the should and there is Han Brolo smiling and pulling me in for a hug. He takes me to the dance floor where we start dancing and mackin' it...almost exactly where I was dancing with Shirtless Man. I stop for a moment and notice over his shoulder that Shirtless Man is glaring at us from the other side of the room. He is slowly plunging eye daggers into Brotimus Maximus as we move back and forth interlocking lips every once in awhile. Searching for ways to fix this situation before in escalates I am given a pass out of nowhere. 

T-Rex saunters up to me and tells me she is ret-ta-go and needs to leave now. Thanking little baby Jesus I turn to my Brofriend and tell him I need to be a good friend and take her home. She tells me to wait just one more minute as she spins around and walks up to the pierced shot-man and flicks his nipple and belly button piercings one more time. Saved by the bell I return to her place and pass out wondering how I am going to deal with our next date. 

Brozilla texts me before our date on Sunday and asks me if we can do dinner and a movie at his place instead of out to save some $$$. I go back and forth for about an hour before deciding I am willing to make this trek to his house solely because I feel guilty about the other night. Things that I know about his house before I arrive: He lives with his older sister, he has lived there for a couple years, it's in the middle of nowhere outside of Baltimore. Little did I know I would be finding out exactly what was "missing" and why I couldn't fully connect to this otherwise decent human being. 

When I arrived at the house I was greeted by his sister who told me Rambro was finishing up cleaning and would be up in 5 minutes. We shared some awkward conversation and about 20min later he rose from the basement just to let me know he was going to take a 10minute shower to get fresh for me. I smiled and said it was fine and then the interactions got rulllll weird. 

Broseiden: Hey sis, are you going to start making dinner?

Sis: Yeah I was just about to get started! I am making your favorite. 

Broseiden: I can't wait! Fab, she is the best cook ever. You'll be getting a great dinner tonight! 

Sis: Oh hush! You know I love cooking for you. So sweet. 

She then pulls out a jar of Ragu sauce and pasta. Now, I am not one to be snooty or rude or look down on the way people cook, but don't tell me that this is there idea of what a good cook is. You can tell a 10 year old to put that together. Ok, ok I am now ignoring the elephant that has just entered the room. WHY THE HELL IS SHE COOKING DINNER FOR US???? (You were afraid I wasn't going to talk about it, right? Ohhh just you wait)

Immediately my mind went to Friends, like it does when I need help figuring out most of my life situations, and the date Rachel went on with the guy who was super close with his sister. I began to panic.   (Go to 2:42....its only funny when it's not happening to you) I kept telling myself that this was just a blip and that she was just cooking for us to save us time. She wasn't going to eat with us. They both know this situation is weird, right?

The answer is no. They didn't realize this was weird and she joined us for dinner and also dominated the conversation. They talked about their Mothers Day plans and their other siblings. They talked about how long they had lived together and all 2 of her ex-boyfriends. They discussed me like I wasn't really there and they discussed our future dates. Our. Future. Dates. I tried not to laugh out loud at the thought that there would be future dates after this. Once she was finished her food I guess she decided to head out and let us finish the date on our own. 

Sis: So are you guys going to watch a movie up here?

Brosie Brodonnell: Oh I don't know, we might watch up here or down in my room.

Sis: Ok, well you can watch any of my DVD's. I have all the seasons of Gilmore Girls, it's a really good show. You should check it out. 

Brosie Brodonnell: Sounds good. Thanks for the amazing dinner sis! 

Do I really need to say anything about that? Gilmore Girls? Really? Ok cool, thanks for that little nugget of information about this show. Oh but the best is yet to come. We begin watching some movie on HBO before we begin mackin' it a bit. He stops and asks if I would like to finnish the movie in his room. Being the classy lady I am, I decide to agree and see where the night takes me. 

When we get downstairs there is not a T.V. or computer in site. He basically told his sister that we would either be watching a movie or hooking up. WHO TELLS THEIR SIBLING THAT WHEN THEY ARE IN THE SAME HOUSE?!?! I am extremely close with both my brothers and we joke about our escapades at different times but we never tell each other whats going to be going down when we are in the same house. 

All of this led to me leaving dissatisfied with the date but finally satisfied with why I felt so off about this creature. To all the Bro's out there....never invite your sister on a date with you. You already have the Bro thing working against you. 

Fabulously Lost: Smart gut feeling, poor life choice maker 

Bro's: Need not apply

Shirtless Black Men: The more the merrier

Marriage???

Alright, so I know that there has been a lot going on in the last 72 hours dealing with gay marriage and I decided I wanted in on the discussion. I feel like it is kinda like the massive elephant in the room if I don't discuss it, since all of my posts thus far have been about me trying to find "The One." But I want to take it a completely different way than you might think that I am going to take this post. Obviously I am for gay marriage and I shed several tears when Obama-rama decided to support gay marriage....

(Okay...so maybe I felt a little bit like Sally Fields...)

I'd rather give you all the reasons why I think you should let me marry whoever I'd like, besides the fact that it's basic human rights. Plus, my decision to marry will not stop the dysfunctional heterosexual marriages occurring on Teen Mom. (Pinky promise I will continue to let this happen if this is the last thing I do...)

Soooo let's get started shall we?

1. I will have the most fabulous wedding known to (wo)man.

          Did this not occur to anyone? How wonderful weddings will be if the gay's had a crack at them? You honestly think the Royal Wedding has anything on my wedding? There will be doves and live bands  (yes multiple bands) and it will be the biggest thing to hit whatever city I am residing in. 

          I wholeheartedly plan on getting married during one of the coldest months of the year because I suffer from...from...sweat. I have mentioned this before that I am someone who sweats when I exert the slightest bit of effort. (During Snowpocalypse '10 I walked about half a mile and had to begin stripping because I was sweating. IN. A. BLIZZARD) So the wedding industry, which has its lull in the winter, will have new life breathed into it when I get married. This wedding will be a winter wonderland of epic proportions and I plan on having everyone I know there. I tell people all the time that I am not sure if I want a small intimate wedding or a medium sized one...and thats a bunch of bullshit. If I could televise my wedding I would. I have no shame and I am a little bit vain. (shut it...I am admitting to being a little vain, let me have a moment). I won't be a Groomzilla, but there are things that I have been dreaming about doing for some time. 

           The only thing I have set in stone is that my two brothers will be my best men and I know what song I want to dance with my mother to. (I know...I'm a horrible person! I can see why people don't want me to get married. Having my FAMILY be the most important part in my wedding....disgusting)

2. I want to be the Angelina Jolie of the Gays.

          Now, I have a hard time admitting to this because I am on Team Jen (yes that is still going on in my mind and I will always stand up for Rachel Green), but Angelina is such a frickin' good person in all other areas of her life. I mean the woman isn't the best actress in the world but she has adopted most of Africa...how can you hate on that? 

           You may be asking what this has to do with gay marriage and in my mind it has everything to do with gay marriage. I am someone who believes it is better to have two parents than one. This in no way puts down single parents, I have so much admiration for them, but wouldn't it be a little easier to have a partner in the situation? So for me, I want to be married before I start exploring the option of children. At this moment in time, depending on the state I live in (I'm side-eying you, southern states) this would mean that I would never be allowed to become the Angelina Jolie of the Gays. 

             I want to be able to adopt some of the kids from Africa that Angelina can't get to. It's gotta be a burden on her shoulders to have the world wondering when you are going to take on another country or continent of people in need. That's where I come in! I am young and full of life and ready. 

(THESE ARE MONSTERS!!! It looks like they are trying to read a newspaper to her. DON'T THEY KNOW PRINT MEDIA IS DEAD!!!! She will surely be behind in school now.)

3. The Bible told you to let me...

       Wait...what?? HOW in the WORLD does this make sense?? (I must be on crack! GAY crack!) But in all seriousness...yeah the Bible told you so. 

        I grew up in a fairly religious household where we went to church most Sundays and attended Sunday School and got confirmed and volunteered with them and made a difference in my community. I never went up in flames stepping in the church for being gay and I was never forced to leave after I came out (which I did publicly at my church in 2006). Now, I have had my spats with religion and I still have some issues that I am working out, as any 20-something does, but I was taught the same thing from the time I was little until now.  It's the basis of most religions actually:

³⁴ “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another."

It doesn't say "love everyone but the gays" and it doesn't say "As I have loved you...but not you gays you're shit outta luck, everyone else I still love ya. HUGS." So how are you showing me any love, like GOD told you to, if you don't allow me to experience the highs, lows, and everything in between of marriage. 

4. I'd like to have the option to divorce...

         (I might be on gay crack....) Don't you think the Lifetime Movie Network needs some new ideas? I think it would be riveting television to watch the demise of a gay marriage on television on the most dramatic network. If I ever get divorced (which I won't cause I...well just cause, rude.) it is going to be just as epic as my wedding. I want it splashed on the tabloids and for it to make it into every blog and magazine known to man. I want the divorce itself to make me money because of the exclusive headlines. I am obviously going to either be independently wealthy or marry into wealth, so it will be messy with no prenup. 

           Does this sound ridiculous? I mean...I am a little fabulous, so this makes a little bit of sense, but isn't this what we have been taught. We keep discussing how Kim Kardashian had a 72 day marriage and made millions, Britney Spears was married and divorced inside of 55hrs, and Kelsey Grammar broke up his 15 year marriage over the phone. We talk about if these people can get divorces, then the gays should be allowed to get married? Why can't we all experience this lovely depiction of marriage and divorce?

             OR....let's all stop discussing all of the horrible things heterosexual couples have done for marriage and comparing it to how gay's should have the right to marry. I don't give a flying flip what a heterosexual couple does with their money, with their marriage, or with their families... All I want is the right to experience all of that as a married person. I want the option to marry, divorce, remarry, or stay single. 

Those are just  a few of the reasons why I want to get married...or want the opportunity to. I am a fabulous 20-something gay man with big dreams for my wedding and hopefully one day I will be able to share it with all of you. 

Fabulously Lost: Still single...don't worry kids

Obama: Grew a pair in the last year. Woot woot! 

Gay Marriage: One rainbow away from bringing this economy back on its toes

Gay Divorce: One broken rainbow away from a Lifetime Movie 

Jesus: Best Surprise Cameo in a Gay Blog

You Know How I Know You're Gay...

I want to take a moment and take you back into my life to a time when I was straight. (AHAHAHA...yup there was a time when I told people I liked ze ladies). I was quite the ladies man and I've actually probably had more girlfriends then boyfriends....(I told you I should have chosen to be straight!). I thought I had quite the racket going on and that people were convinced of my heterosexuality. Annnd then I came out. When I came out I had a slew of different reactions from positive to negative, mostly positive and mostly people telling me they knew before I did. (Side note: Never tell a gay person that you knew before they did...you didn't and its obnoxious.) Below is a compilation of some of my favorite reactions over the years.

Now I am newly in love with being gay and thinking its the best thing since sliced bread. I originally wanted to be one of those "hetero-masculine" acting gays who only had straight friends. (FYI...in case you haven't gathered..I have never been "hetero-masculine" acting...rainbows always shoot out of my mouth when I speak) So back when I came out I wanted to do it very strategically. I was 16 years old and this was obviously an all encompassing task and I planned everything out to a "t." I came out to my parents first which was a hoot...but I will get to that later. I then decided to come out to one of my best girl friends at the time, thinking that she was going to be the easiest to tell. 

First I told my friend Bee (we had weird nicknames for each other that still don't make sense to me...I was Boo...don't ask). I was so nervous and I wanted to take her aside after our World History class junior year. We wrote notes back and forth to discuss when we were going to talk. 

Me: Hey...so I have something really big to talk to you about

Bee: What is it? Tell me

Me: I think it should be said out loud. Are you free after class

Bee: No...we have another class after this. idiot

Me: Rude, Ill tell you at lunch I guess

Bee: No, tell me now. I want to know

Me: Ok....I'm gay...

 (remember thats all on a piece of paper...I just came out to a friend on a piece of paper...)

Bee: *speaking loudly now*: OMG THIS IS GREAT! WE HAVE TO GO SHOPPING!

Yup, the first thing that any friend said to me about my being gay was that we had to go shopping. Somehow a lot of people, not just Bee, think that now that I was willing to admit to my homosexuality, I was magically the best person to go shopping with. They stopped caring about dressing and undressing in front me and they always asked my opinion about clothing, because a gay mans opinion is next to God when it comes to clothing. 

I then told my other best girl friend, Girl-Next-Door (GND), since she was like a big sister to me. I had been kinda concerned about how she was going to take it since she loved her some Jesus. I want you to think for a moment where the best place it would be to tell GND. Think about it lonnnggg and hard. (that's what he said...hehe). Then erase that place because I am positive you couldn't guess where I actually told her. 

I told GND that I was gay next to the dumpsters in our h.s. Not only was it by the dumpsters, but it was after lunch so they were filled with crap. I decided to tell her next to GARBAGE. This sends a positive message about being gay I am sure. To her credit, she hugged me and said "cool." (I think I wanted streamers and confetti to pop out over us...but beggars can't be choosers...)

I told a couple of other core people in my life and then I told this one girl who I knew would tell everyone. I told her during homeroom and by fourth period I had people coming up and congratulating me. My friend New York (she later went to NYU and I visited her all the time), who had sociology with me 6th period, walked up to me with a little side-eye action going on and goaded me for information. 

NY: Someone had a big day didn't he...didn't ya kiddo! 

Me: Uhh whattt? I...uhh..hahah...uhh. No it's just thursday

NY: Come on, come on now. I hear things, I know things. It was a big ol' day for ya!

Me: Well I mean...I guess. Yeah its kinda a big day. *sheepish grin*

NY: I know, I know. Good for you. Goood forrr you. I'm proud of ya.

I swear to little baby jesus she talked to me like a big gay dog and I responded like a big gay dog. I was waiting for her to pat me on the head and give me a treat. We still have interactions like this...I  am in serious need of help...

(I would totally wear this is if I were a dog...)

There were two girls that I was friends with at the time, that I heard from other people, were waiting for  me to tell them personally. They were actually insulted I hadn't come to them directly to tell them about this big news. As I was walking towards the parking lot they stopped me like two teenage girls meeting Justin Bieber (the real one, not the black Bieber)

Excitable Girl 1: So do you have something to tell us?

Excitable Girl 2: Yeah, something important?

Me: Not really...do you have something for me?

Excitable Girl 1: No, obviously not. Didn't something big happen today?

Excitable Girl 2: Yeah, like really big?

Me: Umm, nope. I got an A on my sociology project...but it wasn't like solving the worlds issues...

Excitable Girl 1: This is ridiculous...JUST SAY IT OUT LOUD! 

Excitable Girl 2: YEAH OUT LOUD

Me: Whoa...I...I...I'm....

Excitable Girl 1: Omg just say it, we know! We knew before you did

Excitable Girl 2: Yeah way before, like freshman year

Me: Interesting. I mean if I knew what you are talking about I'd say thats preposterous. Also I dated you Excitable Girl 2. But I guess if I must say it to prove to you, I am gay

Excitable Girl 1: OMG THIS IS AMAZINGGGG I ALWAYS WANTED A GAY BEST FRIEND!!!

Excitable Girl 2:  Yeah me too! 

I never really hung out with either girl after that. I gained a lot of girl friends right after I came out because, at the time, Will & Grace was huge and everyone wanted to find their Will. I fell for it, but after a bit most people fell off the grid and I realized I was fully capable of being more then a gay best friend. 

My parents probably have had the best reaction any parents could have had. We hugged, we cried, we told each other that we loved each other. It was beautiful. They also told me they had no idea that I was gay. This. Was. A. Lie. Over the last 7.5 years since I came out they randomly come at me with different ways they knew I was gay. 

Mother: You know, the first time I thought you might be gay was when you were 4.

Me: Thats poppycock! I didn't even know I was gay then. You are a ridiculous woman. 

(That's actually how I talk to her. I am an extremely stereotypical gay man when it comes to mi madre, we are besties. ughhh so gay)

Mother: It was right around Christmas, which has always been your favorite. 

Me: I mean lots of children love Christmas. So what if I still obsess about it. Get on with your point you cray cray lady.

Mother: You wrote a letter to Santa that read a little like this. 

Dear Santa, 

I have been a really good boy this year and I wanted to thank you for all the things you gave me last year. If I could have a few of the things off my list I would like that, thank you. 

1. A teddy bear

2. GI Joes

3. Batman toys

4. Captain Planet toys 

5. other crap (there were others on the list. I didnt say crap at 4)

Love, 

Fabulously Lost

P.S. can I have FLOWERS for my room

Me: Wait...I asked for flowers for my room at 4 years old.

Mother: Yes, that was my first inkling you might be gay

Me: Touche Mother, touche...you've won this round

That is a pretty flamming thing to do, right? I mean how many of you asked for flowers for your room? What this proves to me is that even at 4 I knew what looked good it my room. I was a fabulous 4 year old. Ahhh to be young again. 

My father and my brothers often like to bring up the big give away to them that I was gay. I was in middle school, it was the late '90s and I made some major mistakes as a kid. What I am going to admit to you now is something I have tried to keep quiet for a long time. I have hushed my family from discussing it in public and I try with every fiber in my body to erase the memory of this from my head, but here it goes. 

In 1998 I got my first CD for my birthday. It was the Britney Spears critically acclaimed debut CD, Hit Me Baby One More Time. Now this, in itself, is a fairly gay thing to have as your first CD because, even then, Brit Brit was a bit of an icon for ze gays. (Did you see what I did there, I gave her a nickname like we are old friends....ahh to be friends with Britto!...I know I am seeking help) This wasn't the gayest thing I have ever done though. I became obsessed with this CD and with Brit, I listened to it all the time and made my parents play it in the car. I knew every single word on the CD and sang like I had a multi-album deal with Jive Records. (yes I know the recording company she was signed with back in the day. Shut up..)

Again, while gay, thats not the gayest thing I ever did. Somewhere around the middle of my 6th grade year I decided that I needed to take my love of Britney to the next level. I needed to display my feelings for Britney in my room for all to see (because I was having so many sleepovers back then...HA...). I began getting magazines like J-14 and Teen Bop and started cutting out pictures of Britney. Once I finally had enough photos I took thumbtacks and put them above my bed. I built a shrine to Britney for me to sleep under every  night. 

(this isnt my wall...but its eerily close to what I had)

I had this up for most of my middle school career before I got to h.s. and realized how homosexual it was and took it down. I wanted people to see my room and not think that I was gay (because I was having so many sleepovers...HA...#noguyfriends2000) There is a photo that exists somewhere of this and I hope it stays buried with all of my other broken dreams. 

Looking back on it, its almost appalling to think about how gay I was as a child. I did many things that were fairly flaming for a child. 

1. I had an imaginary friend named Penny.(Yes I did resort to imaginary friends, and I was quite popular in the imaginary world.) She was Inspector Gadget's sidekick. I was fake friends with his SIDEKICK but not him. Why? Because she was pretty and a girl

2. I was always Princess Peach when I played just about any video game (Super Mario Cart was the shizznat) with my brothers. I would pretend like she was the only logical choice for what I was trying to accomplish.

3. I enjoyed going over to my cousins house and playing with her Barbies because I didn't have any at my house. She now goes to Indiana and probably doesn't remember playing Barbies with me, but I pretended like I was just being a good older cousin...I just liked playing with their hair

4. I used to brush my babysitters hair. Other kids played with toys and video games when their babysitter was over...I brushed her hair. 

5. I HAD A MOTHER EFFIN' BRITNEY SPEARS WALL...nuff said

Needless to say, there were many things that contribute to me being the fabulous rainbow loving man I am today. I will periodically share with you some of my more embarrassing tails of being a homosexual child...for now I think I have scarred you enough. 

Fabulously Lost: Gay since birth

Singledom: Not such a secret 

Britney Spears: Still obsessed...just no shrine