Meeting the Oompa-Loompa Stalker

Remember that time that I gave my number out to Stalker Dan? Well, as my attendance of the gay bars increased so did the possibility of running into many of the men that I had gone on dates with or spoken to on Grindr and OkCupid. I don't think I took this into account as I began dating most of the greater Baltimore area. Its kind of like when your parents tell you that you aren't invincible and you should be careful when you are driving, and you don't really believe them until you scrap your 1995 piece of junk car up against someone else's car in the parking lot of your high school while the person is in the parked. (This is a very specific example. It didn't happen to me. I'm a fabulous driver. I also didn't hit another car in that parking lot three weeks later on my 17th birthday. Friends did that, I swear....gaawwwd leave me alone. I get it I need driving lessons.) Well my dating life is the smashed cars in the parking lot of life, just sitting there parked waiting to get rammed into by me, the blind driver, who may or may not be listening to Jesse McCartney.

Anywhoz, Stalker Dan holds a special place in my heart and I believe always will. While I sit here and complain about his random text messages, that I still receive to this day, I secretly enjoy the ongoing attention. In fact I got one on MLK Day! 

"Hey the schools have off for MLK jr. Wanna remember him the right way? ;)"

Noooowwww, I don't really understand how we can "winky face" remember him the right way. I am assuming he means something sexual, but if we were to REALLY remember him the right way I feel like we would watch some documentaries, read some articles, go to some museums, etc. You know smart people stuff. (Or you could do what my 75% white high school did and combine it with African American History Month celebration and have a dance show where the big "African American" inspired dance number was actually done by 2 white girls...but I digress) 

Stalker Dan found me on Grindr as well and pretended not to recognize me to try and make it seem like he was just randomly instant messaging me. This happened about a week before we met at the gay bar. 

Stalker Dan: Oh hello there, you are quite attractive

Me: Hey Dan

Stalker Dan: How do you know my name? That was a really good guess

Me: Dan, its Mitchell, you know who I am.

Stalker Dan: I don't think we have met before. Did we accidentally sleep together once?

Me: Ugh no Dan, we didn't. We met on OkCupid....we never went on a date. 

Stalker Dan: Well thats unfortunate. We should change one of those things! Wanna accidentally sleep together?

I am not confused or disturbed by the fact that he is randomly finding me on other online "dating" websites, but more by what he is saying. I don't really understand how one "accidentally" sleeps with someone. I have been in many precarious situations but I never blamed alcohol for "accidents" (whether it is hooking up with people, public urination, public dancing, or public humiliation. I'm a classy guy...). I also don't understand why he wants us to plan on "accidentally" sleeping together. This all seems very strange, but if you notice I still respond to his cries for attention, because I am desperate for male attention and my online stalker boyfriend provides me with a little bit of comfort. (I am seeking therapy, I promise. Sorry Mom!)

A week or so after this wonderful online encounter my Gay Bffl, my partner in crime, and I decided to go to the gay club on a random Wednesday. (Yup, I called him my partner in crime. Yup I can hear my father saying that. Yup I'm gonna stick with it). Now the gay club/bar on a Wednesday is generally reserved for those beautiful people in life who are alcoholics, lonely, and/or looking for that midweek hook up...no matter how desperate the other people look. This doesn't seem that far off from most straight bars to be honest, except they usually mask it with "Trivia Night". Gay Bffl and I decided it would be fun to go look at all of these people and indulge in some midweek dranks. (We may have already been wildly under the influence after each finishing a bottle-ish of wine at dinner. It's normal and cost effective, a serving size is one bottle...right?)

As we arrive at the bar we already know its going to be a good night because we both run into past "conquests" of ours. We genuinely feel better about ourselves when we see those we have dated looking lonely at the bar. (we obviously don't take into account how they view us...since we are at the same bar, at the same time, doing the same thing. Thats neither here nor there...we have drunk confidence so screw their thoughts!) We immediately order a Belvedere and Water for each of us and begin scoping out the crowd. Within MOMENTS I scan the bar and see Stalker Dan sitting at the end of the bar coyly playing with his drink, staring at me and waiting for me to notice him so he could saunter over and say hello. 

It seems, however, that I have a pattern when it comes to meeting men online. Remember above when I thought Stalker Dan was sitting at the bar because of where his body was positioned on the bar? Welp, turns out Stalker Dan is a solid 5' 5", which for some reason isn't how I pictured him at all. I then had one of those moments you see in t.v. where the weird main character does a flashy thing and pieces together small pieces that no one remembers seeing (because they didn't happen) but they are somehow able to solve the mystery. I tried to remember all of his profiles that had popped up over the last 7 months and I realized he didn't have his height listed on any of them. Now in all honesty, sometimes when I'm drunk I like to "remember" things because it makes the moment a little more dramatic and fun. (Whaaaaat? Meeeee dramatic?? N-E-V-A. Neva....ok maybs a little. But I was pretty sure that he didn't list his height.)

Well the little nugget made his way up to me and in true form pretended not to know me. As if this was just a normal meeting of two people at a bar on a Wednesday night. 

Stalker Dan: Well how are you this fine evening, sir? *winks in a very unattractive way*

Me: Hi Dan, I guess its good to finally meet you? *Sticks out hand for an unreciprocated handshake*

Stalker Dan: *strokes my arm instead of shaking my hand* Do we know each other from another drunk fun evening cutie?

Me: Nope Dan, we have been chatting on and off for several months on OkCupid and Grindr, and you text me every once in awhile.

Stalker Dan: We must have had some fun, I don't give my number out to just anyone. Even if they are as hot as you

Me: Nope, we have never met before. Also you definitely gave me your number in the first message you sent me, no fun necessary.

Stalker Dan: Well lets fix  that then, shall we? I don't live far from here and I could use a buddy to walk me home.

I think that his little attempt at being suave was failing miserably,  and also the coy "mysterious" game fails when you text and message me on every "dating" site possible. ( Also, having self esteem lower than the pits of hell, telling me I'm hot is generally a turn off. What a charming quality, right?)  I also want to take a moment to discuss the last part of his last sentence, "I could use a buddy to walk me home." Now I understand how it can be hard for a little nugget on the streets of Baltimore, but when you are in your mid-late twenties and also the size of an oompa-loompa I don't think you should use that as a way to get men back to your apartment. 

(He's the one on the right.)

I vehemently declined his kind offer and turned to Gay Bffl for some help in the matter. First he ignored me, which I can only assume he did because it is interesting and amusing to see an oompa-loompa pursue a giant, but  he finally came around and saved me like his dutiful rights as the Gay Bffl enforce him to do.  We did an old switch-a-roo in where I was standing and I smoothly fit myself into the convo he was having with another friend of ours. (now when I say smoothly, I can only assume it was the opposite of smooth because I had been drinking...Who am I kidding? I'm not smooth sober. I straight up awkwardly ignored Stalker Dan)

Stalker Dan and I have seen each other several times since our original encounter but none of them have been quite as enlightening or illuminating as the original, when I felt a bit like I had just walked in on Charlie's Chocolate Factory of Misfit Oompa-Loompa's.  

Internet Dating: 8.5 (he was already a fail...no need to increase a number right?)

Me: .5

Oompa-Loompas: Alive and well in Baltimore

Drunk Confidence: Welcome on all my dates

To Hike or Not To Hike...

I have never been the outdoor-sy type, like ever. I never loved being in the woods or playing sports and I certainly never thought the idea of camping sounded like fun or a vacation. For the most part I blame my wonderful parents for that one. (because what are parents good for unless you can blame them for all of your weird habits and your inability to hold healthy relationships with other people? Am I right or am I right!! ZING Parents!) Once in high school I did a leadership program where we had to do an overnight camping/ropes course/team bonding thing in the woods. I died. Like literally almost died because there were no showers and it was the middle of the summer and I had to sweat in front of people like an animal. It was then that I swore off outdoor-sy things like a bad hangover.

Well I must have had severe memory loss after a night of drinking to agree to go on this date with an avid Hiker. Sometimes I go on these weird kicks where I decide I am going to overhaul my life and change everything immediately. I plan out my next moves and I tell everyone to get ready for the new and improved me. Since I was on this dating site, I decided it was time to expose myself to men I would normally avoid like the plague. I have a normal list of do's and don'ts when choosing men on these sites.

Do's:

• Likes television 
• Likes music (specifically Adele and Britney....this one isn't hard to find)
• Mentions being sassy and having a good sense of humor
• Drinks on a moderately regular basis...

(As you can see I am not hard to please...so WHY aren't there more men knockin' on my door? Mind boggling I know)

Don'ts

• Don't mention a love of the outdoors 
• Don't mention an intense love for the gym 
• Don't come across more vain than me 
• Don't mention heavy metal music
• Don't just have a pic of your body (for Grindr, yes surprisingly there are a lot of headless men out there)
• Don't mention your profession in a cocky way or talk about it too much 
• Don't mention being lazy as a positive thing
• Don't look grungy

The Don'ts list could actually go on forever, but those are some of my top ones. When I go through these "life" changing kicks I decide to wipe my do's and don'ts lists clean and try out new people. Who knows, my future hubby might get me into camping and shooting things and we might have a farm when we grow old. I pictured the Brawny man swooping me up in his muscle-y arms and teaching me all the manly things in the world.

(I literally just said "blech" typing that out. I will never have a farm or live on one. This pile of masculine is best found in wet dreams...)  

Well, Hiker decided to message me during one of these kicks and I decided to be Gung-ho about it, to the point of looking up the possibility of buying good hiking shoes for our weekly dates outdoors. Hiker messaged me about life and where I was in the grand scheme of things. He actually messaged me at one point and asked me about how I felt about Mother Earth....and I still went out on a date with him. NOT only did we go on a date, but our date involved hiking. I agreed to go hiking on a first date. Hell actually froze over that day. 

We met at some trail near my parents house in Ellicott City that, apparently, had the "most beautiful views of landscape." In my true fabulous nature, I showed up to the date wearing jeans and a button down (plaid, of course) with my shoes that looked like they could be Timberland's but were really just a cute non-boot boot. I thought, even out in nature, one should look cute for their first date. Welp, I was extremely wrong and would later end up getting rid of those cute shoes because they get ruined. Hiker shows up and is wildly surprised to see me standing there in this outfit. 

Hiker: Hey! Did you bring a change of clothes?

Me: Whaaa? Haha no silly! This is what I am wearing 

Hiker: I mean you look great, but we are going off the trail and hiking in the woods. I don't want you to ruin your nice clothing

Me: Thank you, that's so sweet! I'm glad you think I look great.

I had obviously ignored his blatant warnings and all I heard was that I looked great. I mean, he should have told me we would be going off the beaten path...more than he already did? Anywhoz, we began walking and talking and getting along fairly well for the first 5minutes. Then things began to head south and I realized what I had gotten myself into. 

Did you guys know that there are a lot of bugs out there? Also, trees cover the sun but they don't remove my ability to sweat. We had literally been walking 5min before I felt the first drip trickle down my forehead. It was one drop that felt like a tsunami to me. I knew what was happening, my body was about to release the flood gates of hell and unleash its sweaty-ness in all its glory. I brushed this one droplet off my forehead and began to get nervous. Oh...and I sweat more when I'm nervous about sweating. (Isn't this an attractive quality? It doesn't just happen on dates, it happens on interviews, during confrontations, and when I'm dancing with someone at the bar [i'm always nervous i'm a bad dancer, when we all know I'm Shakira])

Just as I feel my back moistening we decide to take a sharp turn and climb up this mountain. And when I say we decided I really mean Hiker, because I would've preferred sitting in an air conditioned cafe. The conversation also didn't stray from the outdoors either. 

Hiker: So...you said that hiking is one of your favorite activities, do you always go dressed so nice?

Me: You are totes winning brownie points! One always must look his best, right?

Hiker: So what are your favorite trails around here?

Me: This one. *mopes forehead for third time*

Hiker: Oh, cool. Have you ever gone off the trail like this?

Me: All the time *tries to slyly check for pit stains, shudders when they are present*

Hiker: I want to go along the Appalachian at some point. Quit work and just take my time going from Maine all the way down. 

Me: Would you have to camp? Where do you go to the bathroom? This doesn't sound so pleasant.

Hiker: I thought you went camping all the time?

 Me: *crickets* 

As you can see I took some liberties and adjusted my profile to best fit the type of man I wanted to help me with my life change. Unfortunately his annoying questions about things I had no idea about didn't bode well for me. The real winner at this point was...welp there was no real winner. I'm sure he was wondering when it had monsoon-ed because I was now wearing a different colored shirt and I was wondering why he had decided to take me on a death march. 

The only time I feel it is permissible to sweat in front of someone you are dating is when you are at the gym (Lord knows why you would ever go to the gym with someone you are dating...), or if you are dancing at the club and everyone is one ball of disgusting sweat. This date was a fail and a half. It was then I realized that I am meant for the finer things in life...like indoor activities. My idea of a vacation involves mojitos, a hotel, and possibly a spa...most definitely not sweating and pooping in the ground. Hiker and I finished the trail early and parted ways without so much as a promise of connecting later. I think he knew I had lied on my profile, which I ended up switching back to sounding more like me. 

Internet Dating: A resounding 8.5

Fabulously Lost: .5

Hiking: Not for everyone, especially this queen

Cute Hiking Clothing: Nonexistent  

My 5 Hour Boyfriend...

When we were younger my brothers and I got along fairly well with our parents as well as each other. Our parents were fairly liberal in the sense that we were allowed to date pretty much whenever we wanted (Heathens! Its why I'm gay now...I dated too many girls too early on. Used up all my heterosexuality by the time I was 7. Hookin' knows no age) My older brother famously always had a girlfriend from the time we were young up until he met his current girlfriend (They've been together a bajillion years at this point. When I was 18 I talked to him about how I wasn't comfortable with his dating her so seriously because I had commitment issues. Everything is about me obviously)

He had, what I would like to think is, the shortest relationship in the history of relationships when we were in middle school. He dated a girl from 1st period - the bus ride home. I'm sure it stung, but I topped his short relationship on a recent evening out with a gentleman. This is a story of the time I had a beginning, middle, and end of a relationship within the span of 5 hours.

I'm sure you can tell there is a certain pattern I go through before I go on a date with someone. We message, I fall in love, we meet and I fall out of love and onto my face, much like when Lucy pulls the football out right before Charlie Brown kicks it.

Every once in a while I go on a date purely out of self pity and I am not terribly into the person. Its like when you pity sleep with someone because you don't want to sleep alone and you also know they are super into you so you feel better about yourself. You do that right? That's...like...a thing, right? Well anyways, I decided to meet up with this guy for dinner and drinks in the hopes of having a little company and maybe a free dinner.

We met at a little place in Fells Point for dinner and then planned to go to drinks at one of the surrounding bars. When I arrived at dinner he was already sitting there and I was mildly impressed because he  seemed more attractive than his pictures. This is where my crazy started setting in. I hadn't planned on it coming to dinner...I thought I was stronger than it this time around. I had decided to go on this date just for attention. He was supposed to be crazy...not me. Hot damnnnn this isn't going to be pretty for anyone. 


When I say crazy showed up, I mean that I let my mind wander to the things I always tell it not to wander to. I'm the type of person who always says that I want to be dropped into the middle of the relationship. I will gladly forgo all of the dating formalities and would like to find myself with someone, sitting on our couch, quietly bickering over whether to watch "The Bachelor" or "Real Housewives of Atlanta" (Cahmm ahhnnn who doesn't watch those hot tranny messes. And when I say Tranny I am looking at you NeNe). So when I saw this guy I started planning how we were going to afford a three bedroom house and two car payments on our salaries. THAT'S the type of crazy I am talking about.

Rico Suave seemed to feel the same way about me too. When we sat down we started bonding over the most random things and deciding it was fate.

Rico Suave: What kind of music do you listen to?
Me: Right now my obsession is Adele but I also really like Maroon 5.
Rico Suave: OMG me too! She is fierce and Adam Levine is just hot
Me: *Mouth agape* Are you kidding?? We are on the same page? Perfect!

Now I don't mean to burst past "Me's" little bubble but I haven't met a gay man yet who hasn't really enjoyed Adele's depressing album or who hasn't noticed that Adam Levine is one of the most lick-able men out there. (Yup I did just say lick-able, and I stand by it. I would if I could and you would too) This isn't exactly something to write home about in the grand scheme of things, but I did start thinking about how we could dance around to Maroon 5 in our Calvin Klein underwear (I have a very specific dream, down to underwear....)on Saturdays and then we could cry to Adele on Sunday evenings when the weekend was over.

Rico Suave and I talked for a really long time and then things got serious. He started talking about kids and how many he wanted and what he wanted to name them and where he wanted to raise them and what kind of house he wanted for them and...and...WHOA. I was slapped in the face with my own mental craziness. Rico Suave had this fire in his eyes that I was becoming panicked over. Was this really someone I could be with forever? How could he want to name his child Daisy? What kind of monster is he?


After I took a couple breaths and got over the name debacle of 2011, I rejoined the date with vigor and tried to build off of his excitement. He then stated how he was ready to have a boyfriend, which is something I am on board with. I basically decided we were now boyfriends and I'm pretty sure he did as well. Mind you, this was all before our crab dip had arrived. (Haha single people! I have mastered a relationship in the matter of an hour! Suck it bitchesss) 

We were holding hands across the table and the waitress gave us the "Omgz, you guys are a gay couple! loves it! I'm such a Grace" look when she finally brought over our crab dip. Then we started to disagree on things like what to get for dinner and if we were going to share. It was a little bickering but not too much. (This is normal right? You start dating after 45min and then you start to bicker like a married couple?) We decided to just get different things and then bond over dessert, which I would let him choose since I am not a big dessert person. I'm such a nice person...I know.

We decided to go to Central for drinks after dinner since we both had friends there. This is where things become a little hazy between what is normal and what isn't normal for a first date. (I know, I know...starting a relationship an hour after meeting someone...kinda a little Kardashian and the epitome of abnormal! But hey...neediness does wonders on your self worth.) When we got there I made an immediate beeline for my friends in their normal spot, which is where Rico Suave began to show his jealous side.

Rico Suave: Baby, who are these men? Why are you talking to them.
Me: Ummm remember when we said we were meeting our friends here? These are what I like to call my friends.
Rico Suave: As long as you didn't plan a second date for the evening with one of these men. 


HA! I like that he thinks I could plan two dates in one evening...that's saying OkCupid has produced  two solid dates to fill one evening. Also...why would I waste two dates on one night, spread that shizzz out. ALSO, I am not that clever...I am many things but smooth enough to pull off two dates in one evening is not something I could do without looking like I was attempting to be part of the Three Stooges.

About an hour later, and three Belvedere and Waters deep (don't judge me...I like to hydrate myself as I get intoxicated. BOOM, logic), I started dancing like Shakira with Rico Suave. One of my friends decided we should all dance together and things got c-c-crrrrazy, with Rico Suave storming off and me following him outside.

Rico Suave: You are on another date with him aren't you. How could you do this to me? We were doing so well after our last fight. 
Me: No..I swear! He is just a friend, the other guy is his boyfriend!
Rico Suave: I don't know what to believe anymore. I feel like I don't know you anymore. 
Me: Well, to be fair this is our first date...
Rico Suave: There you go making jokes at my expense


Drunk me decided it was time to go home. Even in my glorious haze of alcohol, I knew maybe the time for the date to be over was now. I realized that our relationship had played its course...we were only meant to be together 5 hours. Rico Suave drove me home (he was sober, which makes the above exchanges that much weirder. even for me...) As he dropped me off he officially broke up with me.

Rico Suave: I think we should see other people. We could have been great...


I got out of the car and realized that I had just been out crazy-ed. How is this a real situation? Why do I always find myself in these situations. We cycled through an entire relationship and I was exhausted. I took a couple weeks off from going out on dates to breathe. I needed to mourn our relationship.

Internet Dating: 7.5
Fabulously Lost: .5 (that sort of counts as a win, right?)
Shakira: 2
Water: Solid mixer, good for combating hangover

The one with the Halloween costumes

Halloween has always been a time of turmoil for me. I tend to over think and overanalyze everything I do and come up with the most dramatic ways things could possibly play out. For someone on the search for love, I end up running the other direction when it comes a-knockin' on my door. Halloween is usually when I begin to over analyze the holiday season.

The funny thing is that Fall/Winter is my favorite time of the year and, in all honesty, its not because of the amazing feeling of the holidays, the crisp weather, or the inevitable layered looks of Fall that are presented at the clothing stores. I love this time of year because it is when I sweat the least. THERE! I said it. Thats my not so dirty little secret. If you know me, which if you don't you are missing out, I sweat a lot. Not in the "Haha look at me, I sweat so much when I run. Isn't it great to release those toxins from your skin!" type of sweating....more like the "Oh my gawd. HOW the hell am I sweating? I am sitting in an ice box and I'm pretty sure hell has frozen over in this apt yet I am dripping, wtf" type of sweating. So when the weather changes and I no longer have to worry about looking like I took a shower by walking to my car, I'm a happy gal. Halloween always tends to be a day where a million people cram into a tiny space wearing lots of costumes (for the men, women are lucky and get to wear their underwear out) and I end up sweating like I'm in the middle of the Sahara desert.

Anywhoz, back in 2010 I dated (and by dated I mean, I went on two dates over the course of a month and I contemplated telling everyone we were boyfriends because I am a little bit off my rocker)  a gentleman who was a bit older than me to see if the older men would treat a young strapping fellow with the respect and attention he deserved (or at least see if I could get a few free dinners). He wasn't a cougar on the prowl, he was 29 and I was 22, which in my head seemed normal. The only way I would date someone who wasn't in their 20s would be if they looked like an adonis or if they had lots of money. (Hey...everyone has their price. You really think Julia Roberts was in love with Richard Gere in Pretty Woman? I'd be in love with a hunk-a-hunk-a burnin' love like that if he was throwing money at me all willy nilly. Yup, I'd be a hooker for him)

Cahmmmm ahnn...I woulda kissed him on the first go around too....take that Julia Roberts

 Welp Grandpa and I hit it off on our first date when we went for dinner to UNOs. (Not where I thought I'd go on a first date with my future husband, but HEY beggars cant be choosers) He let me talk about me and asked questions about my life and where I was going with life. He asked about my friends and my family and college. I couldn't have been happier. We left our date with a kiss goodbye and a promise of a meeting in a couple weekends. He was busy the weekend after, something about having to watch after something or other. I couldn't really remember because I didn't pry.

Grandpa and I texted on and off and talked on the phone a good amount. The weekend after he disappeared and I didn't hear from him until Monday evening. He said he didn't want to be attached to his phone and he was taking care of things over the weekend but wanted to see me on Friday. We decided to see a movie and we were going to meet at the Columbia Mall. I couldn't be more excited! This was the first time I was knowingly dating someone who was a good deal older than me, and it was socially acceptable! (there was a time when I was 15 that that wasn't the case...but thats not here nor there. Well it might be there later when I tell you about it. Don't worry...plenty of time to judge me later.)


I realized before the date that I knew next to nothing about Grandpa, we had barely touched on his life. It had never been more readily apparent how much I like talking about myself. When you get me going, I will find any reason to over share and give you my life story. Now I'm not saying I'm vain...but I definitely would think this song is about me

I made a blood pact with myself that I would be a better listener and find out more about who Grandpa reallllly was. I made sure we had time to get coffee before our movie that friday and I came prepared (I had practiced my listening, surprised, and concerned faces in the mirror. I also wish I was kidding about that but I am not. I blame America's Next Top Model and Tyra for aiding in my yearning to look in a mirror) Our convo went a little like this: 

Me: So, tell me about you. Who is the real Grandpa? (I apparently felt I was Barbara Walters)

Grandpa: Uhh I'm 29...half black...live in Ellicott City? What do you wanna know?

Me: Thats interesting. Tell me more about your background. Are you close with your parents?

Grandpa: As of now yes...but I don't know how they will feel when I come out to them. They might kick me out.

PUMP THE BREAKS! Jigga whaaat? You haven't told your parents you are gay yet? You are 29 and in the closet? I like to think I came out when I was 16, but we all know I came out of the womb with a pink boa as an umbilical cord and instead of a placenta, glitter was shot out. I made quite the entrance, so when someone is substantially older than me and they haven't come out I am always mind boggled.  Also not to mention...you'd get kicked out? I was  making moves to move out of my parents house at that point, but I had also just graduated college. Ok ok...I need to wipe the shocked look off my face, I hadn't practiced that...I was going rogue on Tyra. Reign it in and ask more questions.

Me: What an interesting character. So you haven't told your parents? Do you live with them?

Grandpa: Nah, I live in a house they own. And I just came out about 6 months ago

Me: Thats so brave of you, coming out can be hard. I hope its been a fairly easy process for you

Grandpa: Well it wasn't easy at first and I wanted to wait until the divorce was finalized. I had been married for 7 years so I wanted give to my ex-wife a little time to get used to everything. 

So remember when I pumped the breaks before? WELP I slammed on those bitches and tried to jump out of the car. Now I am no expert at dating, obviously, but I also think you should mention to someone that you are dating (shut up...I know this was date two and we weren't engaged yet) that you have an ex-wife , of 7 years. Also remember that time that is a major thing and at 22 years old my most major issues were usually where I was going to get trashed and where I was going to sleep (Surprisingly not much changes from 22 to 23, except there is more guilt. Damn you Jewish heritage) not who my future husbands ex-wives were. Lets see where this goes, shall we?

Me: Um...married? Thats dramatic.

Grandpa: More factual than dramatic. Does that scare you away?

Me: Pffft...hrmpf...gahhh. BAHAHA

Grandpa: Err...that was just some noises and some laughter. 

Me: Hehehe wahhh? Prumph!

Grandpa: I think we should change the subject? What are you doing for Halloween?

Me: *relieved* Ohhh I'm going to be a guido! What about you?

Grandpa: Oh I have my kids for halloween, so I'm going to take the three of them Trick or Treating! They are going as characters from some of the Disney movies

Remember when I was dating this guy? Yup, my pretty picture was shattering. How do you casually bring up the fact that you have THREE children moments after you bring up a divorce. Its a telling sign of how a relationship will go when they say disney costumes and they think of their kids and you think of how your pale white friend should be slutty Ariel  instead of slutty Jasmine, because its more believable. 

The date continued to get more awkward because I was now using my faces I had practiced and was extremely convincing, so he continued to tell me more and more about his kids. Including that the oldest one is almost 12 years old. LETS state some facts here here

Grandpa= 29 years old

Me= 22 years old (at the time)

Child of the gay= 12 years old  

For some reason being smack dab in the middle of your child and you in age doesn't make me feel better about dating you. Instead I felt icky....thats like when Bruce Willis married a girl 5years older than his daughter. I cant...I just can't. We awkwardly went to the movie and I think he knew at the end of everything that I would probs be a better babysitter than a boyfriend...

After I had forgotten about this blip of a relationship, last summer I ran into Grandpa at the gay club and decided drunkenly to dance with him. I often have my drunk confidence on and feel like I am Shakira circa 2001

I was GETTIN' IT and Grandpa was feelin' it and I wasn't remembering that he had a kid who was now close to tweendom at home. We started mackin' it like two teenage kids who had just discovered that lips were meant for more than eating and talking(because I am nothing if not a classy lady when I am shaking it like there is no tomorrow on the sweaty dance floor) It was then that a swarm of women, who secretly wish they were gay men, descended upon us like Birds. As they began to make a circle, I thought it was time to dip it even lower since we had an audience now. One of the women screeched, as I almost toppled over...very un-Shakira like,  "Ummm Grandpa what do you think your boyfriend would think of you dancing on this ho"

AWWWW helllz NAW. 

I stood up straight. Looked her in the eyes and told her that this  candy shop was closed. (wish I was kidding...but that seemed like a good line at the time. In retrospect calling myself a candy shop makes me sound like a whore....shut up)  I walked off with my head held high and my pants dipping far to low. 

Internet Dating: 7

Fabulously Lost: 0

Shakira: Great drunk inspiration 

Dignity: Lost and found of most gay clubs at this point

The time I went out with a "famous" barista...

First off....Happy New Years! I brought in the night with a good amount of college style jungle juice and an array of fancy appetizers. These two things don't normally go together but they felt so right last night. Shhhh...just let it happen...

Annnndddd if you haven't heard it enough:

Anywhoz, today I want to tell you about the time I went out with a "famous" barista but I need to give you a little bit of background on where I met this gentleman. As you all are aware I am a fan of using OkCupid to be my free little Yente, making me poor matches left and right, but there are so many sites out there that make it "easier" for gay men to meet up. Grindr (thats actually how its spelled...apparently not all gays are up with the english language) is an app for iPhones and Droids that acts as an enhanced "gaydar". (anyone else notice I am using "" a lot in this post...) It tells you all of the gay people in the immediate area who have the app on there phones, gives you a little bit of a profile of the people, a photo, and allows you to i/m with them. 

HEY Fab! This doesn't sound like a dating site...it sounds like...like a...like a hook up site! 

Welp you caught me! Thats exactly what most gay men use it for. As if we don't fulfill the stereotype enough we have actually created a site in which we can be lazy and promiscuous all at the same time. Dayummmm what hoes.  

But...but...Why are you on there then? You are looking for LOVE!!!

Caught me AGAIN! You are like flippin' Sherlock Holmes or Monk (Don't pretend like you didn't watch Monk. I see you...I SEE you...). I was very nervous about having this site on my phone because, like all humans, I am prone to having those manly desires to sow my oats and I didn't want to fall prey to the wretchedly masculine men of the Baltimore area. This being said all gay friends seemed to have the app and if nothing else I knew I could communicate with them. 

You're telling us that you NEVER did anything with anyone on Grindr? Not even once....promise we won't tell! 

Well you are a bold faced liar and a really flippin' good detective. (second use of flippin' in this post. I feel like I should get  a prize) I never actually hooked up with one of these heathens (at least no one hit a home run...I'm serious. Stop looking at me. Ugh sometimes I feel like you are judging me. Rude) I did  meet up with a couple people for dates. I was pretty much a "tease" on  this site. I would chat with people but then stop short when they would try and meet up to hook up. There were a few good men (Not you Tom Cruise..) on the site and people who were also looking for love in the wrong place. I went on dates with these men. Anddddd lemme tell you...there is a reason that these men are desperately looking for love on this site and not finding.

Ummm didn't you basically just say you were one of those desperate men looking for love on this hypersexual site for stereotypically promiscuous gay men?

Shut up. 

Ok now that you know about that we can get on with this horrific date I went on with the "famous" person.  

Broadway chatted me up on Grindr and was saying all the right things and not asking me to send photos of myself in my birthday suit. (ok so honestly that seems to be my one qualification for a good match on this site. Don't ask me to send nude photos and I will pretty much show up anywhere for a date. Desperately seeking Susan has nothing on me.) He told me he was a free spirit and he was looking to go on a date with a real man. He said he wanted to take me out on a real live date and treat me like the handsome gentleman he knew I was...(swoooon...)

 Broadway told me that in order for this to be a real date he would have to pick me up. He wanted to take me out for sushi. (Ohhh yes! Love sushi. Pretty sure its an aphrodisiac. Not that that matters because I'm not that kind of girl. I was just making an observation. That's ALL.) He told me he wanted to go on a tuesday because after we could go to one of the two gay bars in Baltimore where they have karaoke and he could sing to me. (is this real life? double swoon)

So Tuesday arrived and so did Broadway, he called and let me know he was waiting for me outside. When I got in I realized that he was a bit of a car hoarder. There was crap  everywhere. Like actually everywhere.  Which he apologized for...but it wasn't a sincere apology nor was his promise to clean it up before date two...(spoiler alert: date two never happened so I cannot report on the state of his car. )  We started to drive and I asked him about his life and where he came from...and that was apparently the wrong thing to do. 

 Broadway let me know that he grew up in NY and was on Broadway when he was a child. He was in Les Miserable and was a personal friend of Lea Michele (For those who are not in-tune with their inner Gleek thats Rachel Berry from Glee). I was fairly impressed and pressed further and it went like this:

Broadway: Yeah Lea Michele is such a bitch. She is exactly what the tabloids say...but I love that crazy bitch. I think its from when I was in Spring Awakening with her....Oh yeah I also was part of the original cast of Spring Awakening.

Me: Holy Kalamazoo thats amazeballz! I love both those shows...I saw Spring Awakening when it was at the Kennedy Center in 2009.

Broadway: Really? I was in the traveling portion too. Sorry about the show.

Me: Why are you sorry? I loved the show. 

Broadway: HA...well at that time the cast had pretty much given up, so our shows weren't the best. We played pranks on each other. But its good to know unexperienced theatre goers couldn't tell. I'll remember that for later! Anyways yeah...do you have any questions about Lea. I love telling stories about how she's a bitch. She respected me cause I was the only person who didn't put up with her shit! 

Ok lets discuss the above statements. 

1. I am obsessed with most celebrity gossip and I am aware of Lea Michele's reputation. I don't, however, feel like you need to sound AS cocky about your stories because I want to remind you that you live in bumblefuck MD and you are currently driving a piece of crap jeep. I think Lea has you beat on this one and I'm pretty sure that she hasn't given you a second thought. 

2. I am an extremely experienced theatre goer. I was in the community theatre production of Fiddler on the Roof (Second Fiddler reference in one post. #winning) and I was also active in my h.s. productions. I think I know a thing or two about theatre MR. Broadway.

3. Rude.

When we actually arrived at XS, a sushi place in Mt. Vernon (the sad gayborhood of Baltimore), he took me to this little back room of the restaurant and sat down. Within moments the waitress was over and he ordered...I had about 2.5 seconds to look at the menu and ordered something that I believed was Pad Thai but under a different name. I was completely overwhelmed and had also barely spoken a word at this point. Broadway, without missing  a beat, began talking about himself and some of his other accomplishments. 

Broadway: I'm so glad my parents moved down to Bowie, MD and didn't stay in NY. I was beginning to become one of those bratty Upper West Side trust fund babies. I needed a reality check and being with real people in MD gave me that. 

Me: *completely ignoring the trust fund comment* Oh nice. Where on the UWS were you? My brother lives up there now.

Broadways: My mom is the CEO of...blah blah blah I cant remember because I was bored blah blah...and she honestly makes Anna Wintour scared and look poor. You do know who that is right? People in MD pay attention to fashion right? 

Me: Yeah. I somehow seemed to keep up with the fast paced world we live in and know who that is, despite my honky tonk up bringing.

Broadway:*not in anyway sensing my sarcasm or abruptness*  Oh good...I couldn't date someone who was that ill educated. Anyways, Life has just been crazy since I became a modeling scout when I decided not to pursue musical theatre at U of Michigan and left on my own accord. 

This type of thing went on for a solid hour. He would bring up something about his life that would seem amazing to the "little people" of MD and sit back and wait for me to admire him. The best part was the entire time we were on this date he was on Grindr talking to people and texting. I also began to think he was lying about his life especially the model scout portion. He was 5'7", overweight, and didn't seem to understand that one-size doesn't fit all. He also wore moccasin slippers.  I'm aware of how progressive NY is and how MD is wayyyy behind in fashion and whatever else, but slippers? Really? On a date? Foolish. It was at this point that I began to make things up about my life because I was done with the date and needed to entertain myself. 

Broadway: I'm currently in a show at the Kennedy Center that they begged me to be in. It's super top secret because its a play based on Adele's music.  I said I'd do it so I could get drunk with Adele when she would come to see the show. I sang Set Fire to the Rain for Adele, and she cried. I was validated there.

Me: Wow thats so great. My mother and I met Seinfeld when we were up in NY last year. I literally bumped into him and he spilled my coffee so he said he would get me another one. As we were talking I made him laugh and laugh. He told me I was one of the funniest people he'd ever met. I think I might call him up soon to get into the comedy world...do it on the side. we text sometimes.

Broadway: * befuddled and confused, possibly by the sound of someone else talking* Huh. Well speaking of mothers, I just told mine that there is NO excuse for us not to go to Paris for the holidays. How can she expect me to only go to Paris once in 2011? I feel like there's a law against that! *laughs to himself*

Me: Yeah I told my parents that I was probably going to disown them if we didn't make our way back to Italy to hang with George for the holidays. *paused for a moment* George Clooney has been an old family friend since my Uncle and him did some Off-Broadway stuff a bajillion years ago. We always stay at his villa in Italy. 

Broadway: *still confused* I...I...uh...well I guess we all have to do things for the holidays. 

I had stumped this man at his one-uping and had also decided that I was ready to go and I asked for the check. I had a dreadful moment when we walked out of the restaurant and realized that we had driven together. (ughhh this is why you NEVER carpool for a date. No escape....Lesson learned. Thanks Jebus) When we got in his car I watched him drive towards the gay bar and park without saying anything. We apparently were on different dates because I assumed we were finished and he still had hopes of drinks and karaoke. When we walked in he hugged a bunch of queens and I made a beeline for my favorite bartenders. We semi-ignored each other until I told him I needed to be back home pronto. 

As we drove home and he discussed his fabulous life I contemplated if it would be more painful to "tuck and roll" out of the car or stay and listen to his bumbling nonsensical stories. When we arrived at my house he leaned over and gave me a semi-decent kiss and said "Just wanted to make sure you got a chance to taste this" *winks at me*

I got out of the car immediately and didn't turn back. I felt the need to go to confessional and ask for forgiveness for all of his obvious lies. 

But Fab! The title of this post is how you went out with a "famous" barista. How the hell is he a barista??

You know you are a fairly annoying detective....just like Monk. You are right, I forgot that part. I saw Broadway a week later at that same gay karaoke bar. This time when I saw him he was giving a hug to one of my gay friends and he looked at me with sheer terror, like he had seen a ghost. I was shocked they were hugging and immediately asked my friend how he knew Broadwway, when he got back to our group. Gay friend said "Oh we worked together at Starbucks in '09. He's cool but kinda wild"

Let's recall this together....Earlier in this post I said I saw Spring Awakening in '09 at the Kennedy Center. He  said he was in it. So why on Jebus' green earth would you be working at Starbucks when you are starring on broadway....

And thats how I went on a date with a "famous" Barista. 

Internet Dating: 6

Fabulously Lost: 0

Grindr: Creepy...yet oddly helpful