My Sloth

Remember how I told you that I am that weirdo who obsessively watches random celebrity interviews? (Not ashamed.) Well one of my favorite celebrity interviewers is the constantly dancing, '90s sitcom legend, lesbian talk show host Ellen Degeneres. Now, Ellen has had many gems in her career as one of the most beloved talk show hosts of today, but none of them compare to her chit-chat with Kristen Bell. Bell is formerly known as the title character of Veronica Mars, currently as the narrator of Gossip Girl, and has always been a huge LGBT ally. (I swear to little baby Jesus I am about to make my point) Bell explained to Ellen that it had recently been her birthday and her fiance, Dax Shepard, surprised her by bringing her absolute favorite animal to their house for the party. Below is the clip. Watch it. Now.

She bugs the FUCK out over this little lazy creature. Like not even a little bit, a lot. She is sobbing and convulsing on her bed, all out of joy for the presence of this animal near her home. Welp, I realized within the last couple of months that my "sloth" is...is....Christmas.

(I just lost twenty minutes of my life looking up photos of Christmas)

I wish I could say that I am kidding about this, or that there are other things in my life that excite me more than a holiday, but I can't. I literally start tweaking when I even begin to think about Christmas. I found out that Christina Perri had released her Christmas album on Tuesday and, while listening to it, my heart grew 4x. So much so that I began to tear up. LIKE REAL TEARS. I was appalled with myself but I couldn't stop myself. (It was only like 3 tears...mmmkay?). 

You see, I started to realize that I was obsessed with Christmas at a very young age. This isn't a new thing; I am a life-long glittery Christmas lover.  I was always more excited about it than my brothers growing up and I was always more emotional about it too. (Easily attributed to the fact that I was easily excitable about...everything) I think that it really set in how obsessed I was after I found out that Santa Claus wasn't real.

I know this is comes as a complete surprise, but, I wasn't very popular when I was younger. (I KNOW! I am constantly confused by this too). Let's travel together back to a time when I was a mere 3rd grader in the mid-90s, to a time when I found a rag-tag group of kids who sat in the back of the bus. I thought that I had made it because they let me sit with them and not with the little kids in the front of the bus. Now, they let me sit with them because I was kinda like their punching bag. They could make fun of me and be mean but they also liked me to be just their punching bag, and because of that they stood up for me if anyone else was mean to me. (I found some gems. Realll gems)

(They were a meaner, less cute version of the Little Rascals. #besties)

Anywhoz, they used to tell me (read also: make fun of me) how innocent and how silly I was for doing all of my homework and wearing my cousins over-sized clothing from the late 80's-early '90s. (Interestingly enough, they are actually the reason I got into cursing, before them I was afraid to say anything beyond "darn", so I owe them something right?) Well, right around Christmas time I began getting extremely excited and overwhelmed with the impending season, so much so that I decided to bring up a conversation topic with my fellow back-of-the-bus rough and tumble group of "friends."

Me (imagine pip-squeak high voice): What is everyone asking Santa for Christmas?

One-Eye Tom (he actually had one eye): Wait, is he serious? He can't be serious.

Mini Rosie O'Donnell (Self-explanatory...unfortunate looking kid): Fabulous, you have to be kidding. How fucking dumb are you?

Me: What do you mean? If you don't tell him what you want, he won't know what to tell his elves to make you. I feel like that's PRETTY smart. 

One-Eye Tom: He still doesn't get it. What the hell?

Mini Rosie O'Donnell: Fabulous, you're writing a letter to no one. Santa Claus isn't real. I can't believe you still believe in him

Me: I...I... I don't. I was just kidding. I mean, who believes in Santa. 

Facts: I DID. I EFFIN' BELIEVED IN SANTA CLAUS. 

When I got off the bus, I marched into my house and asked to speak very frankly with my mother. (Sometimes I wonder how this all looks to a parent...like, a tiny munchkin kid with a high pitched voice claims to have something serious to talk about. What the hell is serious about that?)

Me: Mom, I want you to tell me the truth.

Mama Fabulous: Tell you the truth about what sweetie?

Me: On the bus, Mini Rosie O'Donnell told me that Santa isn't real. Is that true?

Mama Fabulous: Do you really want to know the truth?

Me *paused for a moment*: Yes, yes I do

Mama Fabulous: No, Santa Claus isn't real. I am so sorry.

Me *almost in hysterics*: WHAT ABOUT THE EASTER BUNNY??

Mama Fabulous: The Easter Bunny isn't real as well.

Me *tears streaming*": AND THE TOOTH FAIRY?

Mama Fabulous: None of them are real.

Me: YOU LIED TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I have a flair for the dramatics. Also, did I really think either one of those follow-up questions were going to end well for me? I mean, did I really believe a giant bunny broke into my house each year and just pooped chocolate eggs? How about the small fairy who would poof into my house and steal my teeth? Both sound like things that I have seen on CSI: Miami. Just sayin'. 

 This poor woman had to listen to me as I called her a liar and sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed like I just found out that they were giving me up for adoption. (I may have overreacted a little bit...)

(this might have been easier to digest)

You'd think that after all of this I would be jaded when it came to the holiday. Well, then you would have thought wrong. I have consistently gotten more obsessed with the holiday, to the point that I now begin to tear up when I start thinking about my whole family gathered around the Christmas tree,  excitedly giving each other gifts and talking about spending the whole day together. (Literally just made myself tear up typing that...I have an issue.)

1998: I stayed up through all of Christmas Eve because I had wound myself up so much so that I couldn't fathom sleeping. I ended up passing out moments after we finished opening presents the next morning

2000: I asked my parents if we could go to all three of the Christmas Eve services at church...because each is different from the last. 

2002: I decorated the inside of my locker with wrapping paper and garland. It was the first time I had used my locker in high school. I was also still "straight" then. 

2004: I came out 5 days after Christmas...and I actually thought about how neat it would be to share an anniversary with Christmas 

2006: I had just started working at Godiva and they let me decorate the display in the mall by the Santa picture area. I spent 2 weeks on it and went to check on it. Every.Single.Day. 

2008: It was the first time I had a boyfriend at Christmas. Our official anniversary was three weeks prior...our first official date ended at a Christmas party. I was in heaven. 

2010: I forced my co-workers to endure Christmas music and I bought decorations for everyone's desks. 

2012: I...I just can't. Too much excitement 

Christmas: The best time of the year

One-Eye Tom and Mini Rosie O'Donnell: Probz working in gas stations. (they weren't the brightest bulbs on the tree)

Mama Fabulous: A saint for dealing with my antics.

Fabulously Lost: Instead of the Crazy Cat Lady....I'm the Crazy Christmas Gay. #owningit