Birthday Celebrations: Cops, Drunks, and Brunches

Real talk: You know how you sometimes hear about how hysterical a celebrity was on a talk show the night before or one of the blogs you read links you to a youtube link of a late night interview? (Shhh just go with me...it will feel right soon) Then you get to that link and you see like 100,000+ lame people have watched that video before this link was EVER posted in one of these articles, right? And you sit back and say "Man, what loser sat here and watched interviews of celebs?" WELP...you're looking at one of those losers.

(When I first watched this clip there were only 265, 345 views. Don't you worry your pretty little heads, I was also view 266, 226. THE CONTENT DIDNT EVEN CHANGE)

That's right guys, to avoid doing whatever mundane task has been put in front of me, from cleaning my room to finishing a report, I somehow get wrapped up into watching these clips...FOR HOURS. I don't understand it at all. It baffles me when I look at the clock, and it's 1a.m. and I've just lost 3hrs of my life watching every single one of Amy Poehler's interviews since she became an actress. (She has had QUITE the life).

As riveting as my Youtube skills must be to you, I actually have a story to tell you about my life. (That sentence had every intention of sounding, both, self-deprecating and vain at the same time. #win). This little diddy is more of an ongoing saga related to my life in birthdays!

(Someone wasn't hugged very much)

My birthdays have been fairly run of the mill days in the past. The actual day of my birth seems to range from terrible to fairly lame and then the parties I have tend to be where I truly get to celebrate a day about me. (You felt bad for a minute and then you were all like "Dayyyum Fab. Calm down. So vain") Just a couple examples: 

1. 16th Birthday: No one remembered. Like no joke...I was Molly Ringwald in the '80s except there was no cute boy sitting on a table with cake at the end of the day. (Another failed expectation brought on by movies). But then the weekend after a friend had a party for me to make up for it. 
2. 18th Birthday: All of my friends were away at college and I was working a full time job and going to community college. I spent my birthday helping people buy chocolates for their loved ones at Godiva. There was no party that year...
3. 23rd Birthday: I worked late and then came home and had a frozen dinner. Then had an epic party....one people still talk about....

Last year my birthday was on a Tuesday and there wasn't too much anyone could do. I decided to throw myself a little get together with some of my close friends from high school, college, work, and just general Baltimore friends. What this also meant was that I was going to be combining Gay Friendz and Straight Friendz. Now, if you remember, for the longest time I was the anti-gay gay and when I came into my own with Gay Friendz, I had always just kept the two worlds apart. My worlds were going to collide big time because I was not only going to throw this party for myself, but we were all going to the gay bar once we were liquored up. 

(Like...it doesn't make sense but it feels right. WORLDS COLLIDE. Also in this pic..Straight Friendz get stuck with Miley. Party in the USA?)

Ok, ok, so thats not where it gets juicy. The party itself goes of swell and we all head to the gay bar. In the group of Straight Friendz there were several dudes who were going to a gay bar for the first time and they ended up loving the music and the dance-y techno-ishness of it all. We had a blast, that is, until I got a call from one of my friends, who left early, told me my front door was completely broken and no one could get in...not even with the key. Oh, and it was now raining. 

(It was going sooo welllllll. fuck.)

I ended up jumping in a cab with the rest of the friends who were staying at my place and heading back to my house. When I got home, I noticed a screw driver sticking out of the door where my roommate had tried to break into our house. Luckily for us, because it had been so warm in my place we had left the kitchen windows open and were were able to hoist a tiny friend in who just opened the backdoor of our house. I decided in my drunken state that the best thing to do would be to deal with this in the morning and not whilst on a buzzed high. 

We all began getting ready to go to sleep and recapping the awesome night when I get a knock on the front door. I make my way to the front of the house and looked out the window to see FOUR cop cars and EIGHT cops all pointing guns at the front of my house. 

Cop 1: OPEN THE DOOR.

Me: *Standing at window* Hello officer, I cannot open the door, it is broken.

Cop 1: YOU HAVE TO OPEN THE DOOR NOW.

Me: Yes, I understand, but I can't because the door is broken...the back door works fine if you'd like to come in from there.

Cop 1: WE CANNOT DO THAT. IF YOU DON'T OPEN THE DOOR I WILL BREAK IT DOWN.

Me: Well, I don't think thats necessary, I've given you a perfectly good seco...

Cop 1: ON THE COUNT OF THREE....1.....2.....3

And then he literally busted my door down. I had 14 friends staying over my townhouse that night and they were all standing in shock as this door flew open and all the cops stood there looking at us. Lights were flashing and everyone was just confused about what was going on. 

You see, apparently when my roommate tried to break into the house our neighbors decided to call the cops. The cops honestly believed they were walking into a house that was in the process of being burglarized. Much to all EIGHT cops chagrin, when the door flung open all they got was a glimpse of a bunch of drunk kids in pj's awkwardly cramming into a townhouse. All parties were fairly annoyed/disappointed and the cop fixed the door the best he could. My landlord was pissssed. He was also a douchebag so I was kinda okay with the inconvenience this put on him. 

So, you see, when you come off an epic birthday like that there aren't many ways you can top it in the shock and awe department. I decided this year, for my 24th birthday, I wanted a low-key celebration with friends. The actual day of my birthday was perfectly spent with my parents having dinner and getting gifts. I just wanted a calm birthday this  year all around. Nothing too crazy or wild because I am entering my mid-twenties and I want to be a respectable member of society. I decided that all I wanted to do for my birthday was go to a bottomless Boozy Brunch with some of my good friends. 

(This is far too classy. I usually drink out of plastic cups)

You see, there is nothing more I enjoy in life than a good brunch with bottomless drinks. How can you go wrong with a casual day drink on a Sunday to start your week right? I have been brunching in DC for over a year at this point and have had some fabulous experiences. Though, in recent times, I have really been enjoying the brunch at Local 16, so I have been frequenting it more weeks than not. They make the fatal mistake of combining Facebook, Bottomless Drinks, and Attractive Men. You see, if you "like" them on FB you get an entree and the bottomless drinks for $18 (Excuusseee me? Ugh Birthday on a Budget). To top it all off there always seem to be copious amounts of gay men scattered around the restaurant..triple win. (Did you see how many times I mentioned tops and bottoms in this paragraph? #sexualfriday #celibacy2012)

Things at my boozy birthday brunch started off so splendidly. Everyone showed up close to on-time and I had a 20 something people there. Drinks were flowing and friends were laughing and it was a grand time. I was trying to make it a point of walking around and talking to everyone, but that also meant I wasn't really eating. (Brunch Rule #1: Eat to ensure longevity in the day) There was also another person who wasn't really eating and that was my good friend One Direction, or 1D. (You may remember him as Daddy Raids from previous posts...but I decided a nickname change was in order. A colleague of ours called him One Direction during a drunken night and I loled my pants off. Not really...because its #celibacy2012)

(Ugh, if only Mr. T had been there to tell us to not be Fools.)

Next to my group of preppy brunching friends a group of attractive black gays and lesbians sat down. (It's like God said "Today is your birthday Fab, have good one". You too G-man, you too) I was staring at them and commenting with my black female twin and deciding which one was God's actual gift to me for the day. Our waiter, an adorable gay man, is a friend of mine and decided to slowly turn the music up louder and louder. And then it happened. Wobble Baby came on and all hell broke loose. Members of my brunch group got up and started dancing with members of the attractive black brunch. It was a dream come true...we turned a normal boozy brunch into a club. 

Shit got weird then...and also a little hazy. I might've had a dance off with someone who was a much better dancer than me. And by "might have" I mean I did. I dropped it low in front of all of my friends, all of the much better dancers, and the entire restaurant. Now, I can't say this for sure, but I am 90% sure that I lost that battle. Horribly. (I'm 100% sure of that, actually. #familyshame) I also danced with a very butch lesbian for awhile...I think I was mildly attracted to her. She pulled off butch very well. It was very confusing. (Ughhh I don't wanna talk about it. Am I bi? WHO AM I? hahaha jk lolz I like the wang-a-lang.)

After I had embarrassed myself enough, some of us decided that 4+hrs of drinking mimosas like they were going extinct wasn't enough. We (Read also: Me, myself, and I) decided to go to Nellies, everybody's favorite gay sports bar. They have rooftop drinking and it was gorgeous out. The issue is...at some point on the walk from Local 16 to Nellies I begin to lose my memories (Read also: Mimosas got the best of me). You know, cause its classy to drink away your memories at 2 in the afternoon on a SUNDAY. 

(I really don't wonder why I am single anymore. You shouldn't either Lilo)

I decide to come out of my hazy time traveling state near the end of our stay at Nellies in time to save One Direction from being escorted off by a gentleman caller. You see, One Direction is very straight but he was also very black out. When I stopped this gentleman from taking 1D into his cab...shit got real. Like rullll real. (All I can remember is that this guy was wearing Teal Cutoffs...so that shall be his name)

Teal Cutoffs: Honey, you need to back off, he is coming home with me. 

Me: Ugh, no he isn't. He doesn't even know his name...do you even know his name?

Teal Cutoffs: I don't need to know his name. 

Me: As classy as that is, he isn't going home with you. He isn't even gay.

Teal Cutoffs: Um, he can make that choice. 

Me: He does...on the reg. Just go back inside and find yourself some new blacked out person to trick home. 

Teal Cutoffs: Bitch, YOU NEED TO STOP BEING IN LOVE WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND

Me: Holy fuck, was the yelling necessary. I am not in love with him...Im just saving him from your creepy ass. Watch this...Hey One Direction, do you wanna go home with me?

One Direction: Yes.

Me: Ok, now your turn. Ask 1D.

Teal Cutoffs: Don't you wanna come home with me?

One Direction: Yes. 

Me: SEE....all he heard from that was "home." We are leaving now

And then that skank-a-licious queened up hooker had the audacity to come up behind me as we were walking to the cab and SHOVE me with all his girlie powers. 

(I know, right Obama?)

I don't do well with this. I am the nicest person in the world until you cross me or try and fight me. See in college people would say crap to me at the bars or at parties for being gay and didn't think I would do anything about it. But, here's the thing, I have no problem punching back, like noooo problem at all. So I spun around and with every fiber in body I shoved this over-sexed man. He stumbled back in complete and utter shock.

Teal Cutoffs: Whoaaa. YOU WANNA GO?

Me: NO! You shoved me. Go back inside and find some helpless twink. And don't touch me again...I don't need any STD's today. 

Now, I understand that doesn't make sense because touching doesn't get you STD's, but I was trying to spew venom and I was still intoxicated. We eventually made it back to One Directions place and then I blacked out again and don't remember much until the next morning. Monday was one of the worst days of work ever, but I had an AMAZING Boozy Birthday Brunch so it was all worth it in the end. 

Cops: Busting Pajama Parties in a neighborhood near yours.

Boozy Brunch: The best thing since...actually its better than sliced bread. Its just the best

Fabulously Lost: Convict, Fighter, Protector: The next Liam Neeson