For those of you who do not know me outside of the confines of this blog, I am wildly proud of being half Jew. My father was born a Jew and lived happily as a Jew well into adulthood. My shiksa mother married him and they decided to raise my brothers and I as proud Jewish boys....until we were young lads when Papa Fab decided to convert. It seemed foolish to have two Christian parents and three Jewish children...so we were converted as well. I have always struggled with religion (mainly because I am an overly angsty homosexual who just wants to BELONG! Ughh is that so bad??), so I proudly hold onto the fact that I am a half Jew. I am a religious mut, if you will.
(This accurately describes my constant feelings of "halfness")
You may be asking yourself many things right now about why I decided to tell you that little diddy. Things like:
1. What the hell is wrong with him?
2. Didn't he say he converted? How can he be a half Jew if he converted?
3. How did he find such a clever photo? I really like his photos.
4. Isn't he obsessed with Christmas?
5. Does this mean he is going to tell us a story about a Jewish man that he went on a date with and it didn't work out and he somehow ended up in a HIGHlarious situation?
For those of you who thought number 2, HOW rude. PoTATEo, poTAHTo. For those of you who thought number 3, thank you! You are so sweet and most obviously my favorite readers. For those of you who thought number 1, see the link in number 4 and you will understand that there are lots of things wrong with me. And for those of you bright little munchkins who thought number 5....you are sadly correct. I went on a terrible awful date with Jake the Jew.
(I generally follow whatever catchy advertisements tell me to do. This. Is. No. Exception. *insert gay clap*)
I met Jake the Jew (there is no clever name for him. Just facts) the way I meet all of my suitable suitors...on the World Wide Web. We messaged back and forth with quippy remarks about culture and music before he asked me for my number. The emails turned into texts and I had begun to really like this virtual man I had never met. An Interior Designer! 25! It's like a Jewish mothers dream come true (I mean...a doctor would be better, but they all can't be perfect).
The day of the date, I do what I normally do - I tried to convince myself that canceling was a much better option and that my relationship with my bed was the only one I really need. I am lucky, however, to have a best friend who works right next to me and is a constant encouragement in life. She told me I needed to go on this date just in case it happened to be an amazing date and this was the man of my dreams or, more likely, this ended up a really good story that I could tell all of you about. (I'm a giver like that.)
When I arrived at our date I was greeted with a cute scruffy boy who had a hipster look without being too hipster. To my dismay, that was as far as my attraction to this scruffy Jewish interior designer would go.
(womppppp, womp)
We sat down at Ted's Bulletin in Eastern Market for a burger and fries and some basic "getting to know you" conversation. Jake the Jew had this way of telling me a little bit of information and then going into a mini-awkward-giggle fit that both freaked me out and also caused me to be concerned he was having a seizure.
Jake the Jew: I grew up going back and forth from Maryland and Florida. Bad things can happen in Florida. *hehehehaaha bahaha hmmm*
Me: Wait, are you okay? What do you mean?
Jake the Jew: Of course I am okay silly goose. Florida can be a dangerous place for pretty boys like us. *hahahbahahabooohahahehe* *wink*
I am still not completely sure what he meant by all of this, nor was I terribly interested in finding out how Florida would be dangerous for a "pretty boy like me." Our conversations were mauled by his outburst of giggles more often than I would have liked (i.e. more than zero times. I would have liked them to happen zero times. Never. Not once. EVER)
(Is that what dying sounds like?)
As if the awkward life-death sound he was making wasn't enough of a turn off, he was also casually flashy with his money. (I am sure he was blatantly flashy, but I couldn't tell due to the screech) Apparently his parents had separated when he was really young and they both had a good amount of money. A huge surprise (read also: sarcasm) came when he told me he was an only child and was used to getting what he wanted.
Jake the Jew: My parents had a hard time saying no to me, I mean wouldn't you have a hard time too? *snort, giggle, wiggle, hehe, haha, gaufaw*
Me: I guess its nice being an only child, I have two brothers so everything was split.
Jake the Jew: Most people have a hard time saying no to me. It's a gift *hehehe hlerp blarg haha*
Me: Um, yeah I gathered that the first time you said that. Charmed life you lead.
Jake the Jew: I bet you'll have a hard time saying no to me. *bleeehehe he*
Me: I say no more often then most think.
As we all know, there are only a few things that I have a hard time saying no to, snorting Jewish hipsters is not on that list. Slowly over the course of the dinner I began finding out more tidbits that Jake the Jew decided to fib on on his dating profile. For example, he was actually just recently 22yrs old and he actually was unemployed. HE WAS LYING ABOUT EVERYTHING.
(Ain't we all unimpressed. We're still fighting Obama)
At the beginning of the date Jake the Jew asked me when I had to leave DC by before I turned into a pumpkin. (Cute at first, in retrospect it casually annoys me) I had told him it would be best for me to leave DC by 10pm at the latest. This was meant, at first, as a reason for me to leave if the date went well (I'm tryna catch me a husband, not an STD), and a way out if it went poorly. This was meant as a guideline. I was thanking little baby Jebus when I looked at my phone and we had already finished by 8pm. I could get home and still watch some Sabrina the Teenage Witch before I went to sleep. (I never said every aspect of my life was glamorous...)
Me: Welp, it looks like we are finished with dinner.
Jake the Jew: Yeah and it's only 8! We can go grab a drink.
Me: Uh, well, I was thinking I should drive home.
Jake the Jew: But you said you have to leave by 10, so we have 2hrs. See you can't say no to me.
Me: But, I didn't, but, what?
And with that I was on the search with Jake the Jew for a place to get a drink. Somehow I got roped into driving us to Dupont and looking for parking. I spent 30min circling for parking and trying to just get him out of my car as fast as humanly possible. (I didn't need a murder trial on my hands on top of everything else) When we finally parked, Jake the Jew told me he wanted to take me to this divey gay bar no too far from where we were. Luckily for me, when we walked up to Larry's Lounge we were greeted by a group of burly looking mountain men!
(My own personal heaven. Except not exactly like this...cause I hate the outdoors.)
There was an event that was going on at the bar for prostate cancer and the amazingly cute bouncer asked me if I wanted to pay for the wrist band for cancer.
Burly Bouncer: If you pay $10 you get this wrist band that gets you cheap drinks at three different bars and the proceeds go to Prostate Cancer.
Me: Oh, well, as enticing as that is, I am only having one drink and then heading home. *casual giggle/side smile/hopeful flirting face*
Burly Bouncer: Aw come on, you know you want more than one drink. You have to stay and keep me company.
Me: Ah, if only I could! I have to get home, if only this was tomorrow evening!
Burly Bouncer: Is this because you hate prostate? *winks*
Me: *swoons* *silence* *giggle*
Then I remembered I was on a date and needed to get my shit together. I begrudgingly followed Jake the Jew to the downstairs area of the bar with a drink. Away from the Burly Bouncer. Away from true happiness.
When we got downstairs, we started to discuss our passions which always ends up with me talking about music. He was as vapid as he was before and didn't have much to contribute to the conversation other than, "I love to listen to Paris Hilton's old stuff." But, like, how? How do you do that to me? How is that an answer? Does she have new stuff? What counts as old? WHO IS THIS?
(THIS IS WHAT YOU LIKE???)
The icing on our terribly made was when Britney Spears came on and I began to tweak out.
Me: Ahh, Britney is like my kryptonite. Whenever she comes on I wanna go dancing.
Jake the Jew: Yeah, I saw her in concert a couple of years ago and was unimpressed.
Me: You mean you saw her in March of 2010 at the Verizon Center? The Circus tour? I was there...it was amazeballz.
Jake the Jew: I wasn't pleased with it...and she screamed something weird out during it.
Me: She screamed "Merry Christmas DC" and it was totally unexpected and awesome at the same time.
Jake the Jew: Yeah...well...ever since then I haven't really listened to her a whole lot.
Me: Welp, this is awkward.
I know this is weird. I am aware that me deciding that this date was literally going to end at this moment makes me seem a little off my rocker. But it is not my fault that he preferred PARIS HILTON over BRITNEY SPEARS. You see the predicament I was in...
(I just...I just...love her)
We tried to make strained small talk after that, but it was apparent that this date had ended because of Ms. Spears. As we made our way to the front door the Burly Bouncer, standing with two other extremely attractive men, caught my eye and immediately began flirting.
Burly Bouncer: Oh hey! *to his friends* This guy hates prostate.
Me: *coyly* Whaaat? No! I don't!
Cute Friend: There is definitely know way this cutie hates prostate
Me: I mean...
Burly Bouncer: *grabbing my arm* I'm positive you don't hate prostate. *wink, smile*
Ugh...I slowly began to slink out the door because I was technically still on the date. As we walked away from the bar, I felt my hopes and dreams being dashed on the side of the road. (Not to be overly dramatic or anything...)
When I move to the city (IN 2 WEEKS) I will venture to that little dive bar and hopefully run into my future husband.
Burly Bouncer: Missed connection...
Jake the Jew: Sorry Yenta, not my match
Britney Spears: A good indicator of a persons character
Fabulously Lost: Single...looking to mingle?
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