Sports and Stuff

Like I seem to do at the beginning of every post, I want to mention a few major things going on in pop culture/my life (because they go hand in hand).

• I'm recently prone to random outbursts of emotions as well as hot flashes. It's either because I am menopausal...or...or...nope, the only explanation is that I am menopausal. I have really high high's and then I get really sweaty for no reason. I bring layers to work and then slowly peel them off as I heat up...or I keep them on because I am fearful of the wonderful sweat stains. (I'm quite the catch bitchessss)

(Vampires sweat too)

• I am in the process of SUCKING at packing. I have been avoiding it like the plague because it adds to my stress and it also adds to my menopausal breakdowns (see Robert Pattinson). I am 8 days away from moving and my looks like I'm nesting. 
• I haven't written about my favorite southern hillbillies in awhile, but Honey Boo Boo should be very proud of Mama June because she has lost 100lbs (according to her). Mama June is telling everyone she didn't change her diet or even set foot inside a gym - she is blaming being famous (Just sit with that for a minute). But, like, is that why I can't loose weight? Am I just that unfamous? I never thought that Mama June would contribute to my low self-esteem, but by George, SHE'S DONE IT. 

(HOW? There are two things I want to point out. 1. The media LOVES finding terrible photos of this woman. 2. Get it Mama June, solid shirt choices)

• Beyond trying to figure out if I can get Mama June thin from being famous, I am trying to figure out how to lose weight before I got to Miami for work in May (No, I don't work at a real place). What I have resorted to doing is a diet known as "Slow Carb,"  which basically means 6 days a week you hate the world and don't eat anything fun and on the 7th day you may have a cheat day (I live for cheat days). If you remember correctly, I tried out #nocarbs2013 in January and I casually wanted to punch everyone in the face. Obviously, I make good choices in life by adding a restrictive diets to my already menopausal outbursts. (Hey good lookin, you tryna get at this?)

(Just a normal Friday night!)

Ok, let's get onto the real thing that has been having me all in a hizzy the last few days. In the last six days I have surprised myself more than I have surprised anyone else. I am sure you all heard that this past week was the Super Bowl, right? Well, I was planning on watching the Super Bowl like I normally do-- stuffing my face with food (in the name of sports!) and waiting for the half-time show (surpriseeee). Then, out of nowhere, my mind, body, and soul decided to to make a random foray into football fanaticism.

(Someone's mother didn't hold them enough when they were little) 

To tell you how uninterested in the sport I was, when Super Bowl Sunday started, I posted on Facebook "I hope the Ravens score a homerun today" (You'd be surprised how many people thought I was serious). I did, however, travel into Baltimore to watch the game because I lovveeee tailgating and wearing the color purple and having it not be a strictly "feminine" color. We began playing beer pong, drinking Irish coffee, and randomly taking shots around 2pm (in the name of sports!). 

Slowly, as the game creeped closer and closer, I felt myself buying into the Ravens. Everyone around me was wearing purple and getting really excited and I couldn't help having sympathy excitement. However, it wasn't until the first play of the game that my feelings towards this team went out of control. (I kept it real though, my first tweet about anything Super Bowl was about the M&M commercial featuring Santana from Glee. Facts)

It happened when the first touchdown happened for the Ravens. It was like my body was taken over and all I wanted to do was live tweet this event. I started to scream when we had the ball and was irrationally annoyed when things weren't going our way. My friends who were around me were astonished at how into the game I was. I was the person everyone thought was going to make snarky comments about the game. Instead I was hooting and hollering about the game as if I was a lifelong diehard fan. 

(He just gets me) 

As if I couldn't be tweaking out enough in an abnormal way, the half-time show came like a bat out of hell. For the whole first half of the game I had been this hetero-masculine being, tweeting, grunting, and emoting all my straightness. Then it happened; I'm not even that big of a fan...or so I thought. Trotting down the center of the stage Beyonce made her way straight into my soul. 

(Throw some shady STANK Bey)

I went from the epitome of masculine to a giddy 12yr old girl. I kept turning and spinning and trying to see if anyone else in the room was having n religious experience like I was. When Kelly and Michelle rose from ground to reunite Destiny's Child, I honestly questioned if my body could handle the excitement going on in my body. I kept saying "My heart, my heart, this is everything." (Why? Because I am a dramatic homosexual)

The second half of the game was more stressful and I was actually almost brought to tears at one point because I thought the Ravens were going to lose. I HAVE NEVER BEEN EMOTIONAL ABOUT SPORTS. I couldn't handle myself and there were a couple of times that I tried to snap myself out of it. I had mini pep-talks with myself in the bathroom.

"Get it together. This isn't you. You get emotional at Britney Spears concerts and during the months leading up to Christmas. You do not form deep relationships with football teams during a sporting event. You do not have panic attacks when "your team" misses a play. Get. Your. Shit. To.Geth.Er." (Gay claps implied)

Nothing I did would work, though. I still had so many emotions and when the Ravens did finally win the Super Bowl, I ran out into the streets with my friends and participated in a good old fashioned riot. 

(I'm in there! Can you see me??)

This was probably the least abnormal thing for me to partake in the entire evening. I like to break shit. 

This theme of random Raven fanaticism continued into the week as well. My boss convinced me to work my work schedule around being able to attend the Ravens Super Bowl Parade in Baltimore this past Tuesday. Not only did I gladly accept this reason to have an abbreviated work schedule, but I freaked the freak out about being able to see some of the players I had grown to love over the course of 72hrs. (Right next to all of the lifelong fans, they don't care, right?)    

I went, I wore purple, I screamed, I hooted, I hollered, I took 20+ photos, and 10 videos. I have mind boggled myself and I am just wondering at what point I was drugged by the sports fairy. Once I figure where this hetero-demon came from, I'll let you guys know.   

Football: Great for innuendo and rioting (Ill throw a ball in your end zone! *wink, wink*)

Mama June: Fame has really gotten to her...

Beyonce: Queen of Stank 

Fabulously Lost: Lost in a world of sports fandom (Like Space Jam)