Sweatin' Like a Pig

Remember that time that I talk about sweating a lot? No? OK, well, check THIS and THIS and THIS. (Ugh, looking for the posts about sweat made me realize I how often I write about sweat. UGH, now I'm sweating because it's making me nervous. #theworst)

I hope you read each of those little posty-posts and saw that I have a major hate-hate relationship with sweating. The thing I hate more than actually sweating itself is dealing with people's various reactions to someone sweating. SO, I've decided to tell you all the APPROPS and INAPPROPS ways to talk to someone about how much they are sweating. Just call me your Sweat Sensei.

("Ah, yes, young one, come learn all you can about sweat." — said, literally, no one ever)

Inapprops Ways

1.  It's not a disease.

If it's hot out or anywhere above 80 degrees, I am generally going to sweat. It's not that abnormal for someone to sweat when it's hot outside, and at certain temperatures, EVERYONE is sweating. I tell people, all the time, that my body runs 10 degrees warmer than whatever the temperature is. The worst is when someone treats it like a disease.

(Scene: It's 82 degrees and sunny. We are outside in line for something. I'm not a fucking playwright so I don't know what I am standing outside in line. Ugh, you're needy — fine, we are standing in line for the N*SYNC concert.)

Disease Worrier: Are you... OK?

Me: Yeah, totally. (Wipes sweat from brow.)

Disease Worrier: But, seriously, is everything OK?

Me: I'm sorry... did a tumor sprout up on my face in the last 10 minutes? (Pats head in hopes of finding that my hair is randomly not affected by the sweat. Defeated look follows pats.)

Disease Worrier: No, it's just that I'm worried about you.

Me: I'm more confused than before. (Searches anxiously for napkin, towel, or random blow dryer plugged in. Outside. In line for God knows what.)

Disease Worrier: (in a whisper) You're just... you look overheated. I just want to make sure you are OK. 

(Cher always knows.)

Sweating isn't a disease. EVERYONE does it. Granted, not everyone sweats like I do, but unless blood started seeping from my scalp, I think we can go ahead and calm down. 

2.  We are both aware of the heat.

(Scene: It's 94.8 degrees outside. That's effing hot — for everyone.)

Weatherman: It's, like, really hot outside. I can't believe this. 

Me: Yeah. It's all, like, fuck you global warming! Right? Right? (Wipes sweat from... all over.)

Weatherman: You know, heat affects people different ways. Some people just get really, really hot. 

Me: Yup, that's generally how weather works. (Pats head. Realizes there is no saving this, head is drenched.)

Weatherman: Everyone tells me I sweat a lot when it's hot, do you get that ever?

(Oh gurl, you have seen better days.)

Seriously? Do I ever get that? I look like I took a shower fully clothed. 

(I want to point out, for a hot second, that these aren't fabricated situations that I am pulling out of nowhere. These are legit things people have said, in more than one way, to me while sweat pours out of me.)

3. Yup, I know I am sweating.

(Scene: Do I really need to set the scene at this point? It's not winter. Or it is and I'm just giving a presentation. OR I'm having a convo with a hot guy. OR... really anything. I can't control my glands.)

Captain Obvious: Omg, are you OK? You're sweating a LOT. 

Me: Yeah, I'm fine. It's a gift and a curse. Mostly a curse. Okay, all curse, but I deal! (Takes out own roll of paper towels and begins to soak up sweat.)

Captain Obvious: But, that just seems like a lot of sweat. I have never seen that before.

Me: I tried to join the circus before for this trick, but they informed me that it was totally normal and not a trick. (Trying to catch a cool breeze or find a magical fan to stand in front of. Defeated when realizes they are outside in stagnant air.)

*Conversation continues on for a few minutes. BROUGHT TO A HALT... for no reason*

Captain Obvious: Are you sure that's normal? Boy, that must be uncomfortable! 

Me: Somehow I've survived almost 25 years. I'll let the doctor know your prognosis next time I go. 

(Gurl. Don't step closer.)

You know what's fun about this one? Word for word, this is a convo I had while I was on a business trip not too long ago. Business. Trip. The issue I had here was that it was a one-two punch for my sweat glands. A little "hot as balls + constant nerves" turned me into a one-man rain machine. I really belong in a zoo or something... except I am not an animal. 

Approps Ways

(Scene: I am sweating, no one else is, and I keep wiping my brow and trying to cover up my sweat stains.)

Me: Man, it's really hot out there. 

ANYONE ELSE: Yup, it really is. 

END. OF. STORY. 

(Dr. Elliot Reed is my spirit animal.)

You see, this is the only way to respond, because I am brutally aware of my sweat glands. If I bring up the heat, it is a subtle way of acknowledging the bath I am giving myself, but there is no need for further comment. I trust you, in all my antics, if I was ill... everyone would know.

Perspire: Got that
Schvitzing: Jew know
Sudation: A word I just learned on thesaurus.com
Fabulously Lost: More educated and very excited for Fall