Sweatin' Like a Pig

Remember that time that I talk about sweating a lot? No? OK, well, check THIS and THIS and THIS. (Ugh, looking for the posts about sweat made me realize I how often I write about sweat. UGH, now I'm sweating because it's making me nervous. #theworst)

I hope you read each of those little posty-posts and saw that I have a major hate-hate relationship with sweating. The thing I hate more than actually sweating itself is dealing with people's various reactions to someone sweating. SO, I've decided to tell you all the APPROPS and INAPPROPS ways to talk to someone about how much they are sweating. Just call me your Sweat Sensei.

("Ah, yes, young one, come learn all you can about sweat." — said, literally, no one ever)

Inapprops Ways

1.  It's not a disease.

If it's hot out or anywhere above 80 degrees, I am generally going to sweat. It's not that abnormal for someone to sweat when it's hot outside, and at certain temperatures, EVERYONE is sweating. I tell people, all the time, that my body runs 10 degrees warmer than whatever the temperature is. The worst is when someone treats it like a disease.

(Scene: It's 82 degrees and sunny. We are outside in line for something. I'm not a fucking playwright so I don't know what I am standing outside in line. Ugh, you're needy — fine, we are standing in line for the N*SYNC concert.)

Disease Worrier: Are you... OK?

Me: Yeah, totally. (Wipes sweat from brow.)

Disease Worrier: But, seriously, is everything OK?

Me: I'm sorry... did a tumor sprout up on my face in the last 10 minutes? (Pats head in hopes of finding that my hair is randomly not affected by the sweat. Defeated look follows pats.)

Disease Worrier: No, it's just that I'm worried about you.

Me: I'm more confused than before. (Searches anxiously for napkin, towel, or random blow dryer plugged in. Outside. In line for God knows what.)

Disease Worrier: (in a whisper) You're just... you look overheated. I just want to make sure you are OK. 

(Cher always knows.)

Sweating isn't a disease. EVERYONE does it. Granted, not everyone sweats like I do, but unless blood started seeping from my scalp, I think we can go ahead and calm down. 

2.  We are both aware of the heat.

(Scene: It's 94.8 degrees outside. That's effing hot — for everyone.)

Weatherman: It's, like, really hot outside. I can't believe this. 

Me: Yeah. It's all, like, fuck you global warming! Right? Right? (Wipes sweat from... all over.)

Weatherman: You know, heat affects people different ways. Some people just get really, really hot. 

Me: Yup, that's generally how weather works. (Pats head. Realizes there is no saving this, head is drenched.)

Weatherman: Everyone tells me I sweat a lot when it's hot, do you get that ever?

(Oh gurl, you have seen better days.)

Seriously? Do I ever get that? I look like I took a shower fully clothed. 

(I want to point out, for a hot second, that these aren't fabricated situations that I am pulling out of nowhere. These are legit things people have said, in more than one way, to me while sweat pours out of me.)

3. Yup, I know I am sweating.

(Scene: Do I really need to set the scene at this point? It's not winter. Or it is and I'm just giving a presentation. OR I'm having a convo with a hot guy. OR... really anything. I can't control my glands.)

Captain Obvious: Omg, are you OK? You're sweating a LOT. 

Me: Yeah, I'm fine. It's a gift and a curse. Mostly a curse. Okay, all curse, but I deal! (Takes out own roll of paper towels and begins to soak up sweat.)

Captain Obvious: But, that just seems like a lot of sweat. I have never seen that before.

Me: I tried to join the circus before for this trick, but they informed me that it was totally normal and not a trick. (Trying to catch a cool breeze or find a magical fan to stand in front of. Defeated when realizes they are outside in stagnant air.)

*Conversation continues on for a few minutes. BROUGHT TO A HALT... for no reason*

Captain Obvious: Are you sure that's normal? Boy, that must be uncomfortable! 

Me: Somehow I've survived almost 25 years. I'll let the doctor know your prognosis next time I go. 

(Gurl. Don't step closer.)

You know what's fun about this one? Word for word, this is a convo I had while I was on a business trip not too long ago. Business. Trip. The issue I had here was that it was a one-two punch for my sweat glands. A little "hot as balls + constant nerves" turned me into a one-man rain machine. I really belong in a zoo or something... except I am not an animal. 

Approps Ways

(Scene: I am sweating, no one else is, and I keep wiping my brow and trying to cover up my sweat stains.)

Me: Man, it's really hot out there. 

ANYONE ELSE: Yup, it really is. 

END. OF. STORY. 

(Dr. Elliot Reed is my spirit animal.)

You see, this is the only way to respond, because I am brutally aware of my sweat glands. If I bring up the heat, it is a subtle way of acknowledging the bath I am giving myself, but there is no need for further comment. I trust you, in all my antics, if I was ill... everyone would know.

Perspire: Got that
Schvitzing: Jew know
Sudation: A word I just learned on thesaurus.com
Fabulously Lost: More educated and very excited for Fall 

High Anxiety

I am an anxious person. This may be news to the people who consider me to be their closest friend, but the people who are actually my closest friends, this is very accurate. Basically I get really awkward and weird (more than normal, obvs) when I get into a situation where I feel really anxious. I have decided that you are all worthy recipients of the list of things that make me weirder than I am on a normal basis.

(What is this baby looking at? WHAT is so concerning? I am forever in awe of weirdo babies)

~List of reasons why I'm an anxious freak-a-do~

Silence

What does this mean? How does silence make someone anxious? Shouldn't silence make you zen and calm?

ZEN? ZEN? DOES THIS SOUND ZEN? UGHHH YOU'RE THE WORST...and by that I mean I am the worst.

I have no idea why this affects me so much, but I cannot handle silence. I don't just mean when people meditate and it happens to be silent. I mean that if there is no noise whatsoever, I begin to have an irrational breakdown. My ears begin to feel like they are going to fall off and I need some sort of noise. I usually have music playing constantly. When I say constantly, I actually mean every moment of my day up until I fall asleep. I panic when I sleep over friends places because it is weird to turn on music as you are trying to fall asleep. Because I'm a freak.

(This is what happens when you are silent. People. Die.)

Dark Clouds

This one is hard for me to admit to. I really love a good thunderstorm and I like being in doors watching them from the comfort of my own home. This doesn't change the fact that for the first 5-10min of me watching ominous clouds descend upon the land, I am convincing myself that it is a tornado. (Yup, you read that right. No need to second guess yourself) 

(OUT OF NOWHERE? HOW IS THIS NOT SCARY? This photo has set me into an anxious state)

I am not a fan of scary movies. I hate them more than life itself. I don't find it entertaining to have the living shit scared out of me for 2hrs. I don't like walking into a movie knowing that I won't be able to sleep later that night, no matter how much music I have playing. (See above random excuse for anxiety) So you may find yourself pondering, much like I do, why I would agree to sit down and watch the hit '90's movie titled Twister. They aren't hiding it in the title, they weren't trying to pretend like it was anything other than what it was, a movie about a tornado. I took one thing from the entire movie (mostly because I was watching the entire thing through the cracks of my fingers, judge me not people) and that was that you can tell when a tornado is about to hit because the clouds are green. Green. The color green. 

IS THIS FUCKING DOCTOR SUESS??? I can't trust green clouds? Does this apply to other things that are green too? Are all green things working together to ruin my life???

The short and simple answer to all these questions is, yes. Yes this world we live in can be figured out through color (heeeyyy girl, I'm a rainbow. SURPRISE) and green clouds are the worst thing you could ever see in the sky. I am astonished because I have seen green clouds, no less than, 10-15x in my life since I have seen this movie. Luckily, none of them ended up in a tornado...at least to my knowledge.

Sweating

I talk about sweating a lot on this blog. I talk about it because it plagues my life. I get it, I'm not athletic and I start sweating if the temperature is above 66 degrees (that is, unfortunately, not an exaggeration). So why put this in this post? WELL, thanks for asking kiddies! I add it in here because I have begun, in the last year, sweating when I think that I might sweat. 

('Guuuh-huh???'- thats the noise (s)he is making. Duh.)

I, once, was a carefree kid who didn't recognize all of the situations that he would sweat in. Then, like 5 years ago, I became overly aware of the sweating issue and would start to panic when I felt that first bead of sweat roll down my face. The first drop was the bane of my existence and then became the sole thing running through my head. If you see me slightly gaze off into the distance or try to "discreetly" wipe my brow, it usually means that I hace completely checked out of our conversation and I am trying to plan my escape so I can go sweat by myself in the corner. The corner of shame and dispare. 

Large Groups of People

HA! Good thing I just moved into a city. A city with lots of people...some may call it a large group of people. I moved here for so many reasons and one of them, surprisingly, was not for the abundance of people cramped into small areas. I get irrationally awkward when there are too many people in elevators and the only way I know out of it is by making weird conversations. 

Examples: 

*Cramped elevator the other morning*

Me: No stairs for anyone? So, guess we all aren't going to be winning the weight loss challenge. 

*Cramped metro car*

Me (to my friend): Wouldn't it suck if  everything just stopped and we were stuck for an hour. I would have a panic attack. 

*Cramped into a small work space for a happy hour at work*

Me: I am definitely sweating in places I didn't think possible. 

(Where's Waldo wasn't a fun book for me, it was, and is, my personal hell)

So, you see, it doesn't matter whether I am with friends or not, I shut down and become like rain man about one extremely awkward thing. (Yet another reason why meeting a boyfriend in a public space will NEVER happen for me. *wink, nudge, nod*)

Silence: Horrifying

Dark Clouds: I blame Helen Hunt for this one. I am not Mad About You, Ms. Hunt. 

Sweating: A constant worry

Crowds:  Brings on sweating and creates a silence...in my heart.