In My Life

Every once in awhile I like to write posts about the random things that are happening in my life that cannot necessarily be fleshed out into a post. This happens to be on of those posts...BECAUSE I CAN!   (Whenever I say something like that I start playing "It's my birthday and I can cry if I want to")

Smut-tastic 

So last week I was with my entire family and we were discussing our annual trip to the gayest town in Maine when my parents informed us that our grandparents were going to be coming with us. (Just a quick reminder: I went on vacation, went to a drag show, took a lovely walk on the beach with a VT Mountain man and then have lived in relentless judgement from my family ever since) My brothers decided that it would be good idea for our parents to join us a the Drag Show this year...which was just too much for me to handle.

Jeopardy Bro: Mama and Papa Fab, I think you guys should join us. You'd have an amazing time and the show is great. 
Rugby Bro: Yeah, the woman was hysterical! 
Me: I just don't think it would be a good idea. It can be a little raunchy and I don't know if you guys would like it. The crowds. The people. Maybe we find something else for you guys to do with us.
Mama Fab: Maybe you don't have to smut it up for one night. Yup, I said it. 

(You know its going to be a good post when I can bring a housewife into this)

But seriously, Mama Fab killed it. I had nothing to say, she came in with a zinger and we were all in complete shock. I couldn't disagree, I couldn't fight it, I couldn't do anything but say "OMG, OMG", because I reverted to a typical homosexual response to someone who calls a bitch out. Props Mama Fab, props. 

Real Time Chatting

I had a bunch of things I wanted to talk about in this post, and I will get to them, but I am in the middle of watching the Girls season premiere and I am just in shock and awe. Now, this is not because Lena Dunham's tits have been flailing since the 4th scene in, but because of the person they are flailing against. She was banging DONALD GLOVER! *crickets* Ugh, you guys are the worst. For those of you who don't know who he is, Donald Glover is comedian, actor, and rapper under the name Childish Gambino. What I wasn't expecting was for Donald Glover to be dressed and looking like a myriad of my ex-boyfriends. 

(Sorry Lena, you totes asked for it when you added an attractive black man to your cast)

(Ohhh, I'll keep you warm Donald)

Apartment Search

Holy crapballz guys. I have been talking about moving since the beginning of time. I have sweet roommates right now (Shout out Mama and Papa Fab! #single4lyfe), but I am more than ready to be living in Washington D.C. A little change has occurred since I last wrote about this last month. I am now currently looking for an apartment with one of my best friends from college. He happens to be straight, he happens to be a super feminist, and he happens to be super awesome. One of the main things that we bonded over in college was our joint love of Kentucky Gentleman...the bourbon. (Shocker, I have some straight qualities. Cowboy Fabulous) So from now on, in all of our adventures, I will be referring to him as Kentucky Gentleman or KG. (Probably KG, because I'm lazy...yet honest).  We have decided to look for a sleek bachelor pad in Dupont Circle or Logan Circle. This is going to be severely dangerous for my liver. 

(Ugh, she is so judging me)

Live, Laugh, Single

Let's discuss all of the "research" I have been doing for you guys. I have decided that the year of 2013 is my year and that involves taking more time for the things that are important to me. (And we wonder why the older generations call us the "All About ME" generation. You're welcome) Part of this whole declaration was my decision to take a more active role in the success of my dating life. I have this insatiable thirst to set up dates and then slowly talk myself out of them or tell myself how they are going to fail. This includes, and isn't limited to, lying to them about emergencies at home (i.e. I really wanted to get into bed and do nothing), telling them that I have to work late because of an emergency (i.e. I really wanted to get in bed and do nothing), or telling them I have the flu (i.e. I really wanted to get into bed and do nothing). 

(Oh Pinocchio, you little rascal)

This doesn't seem to fit in well with my 2013 proclamation, so I am reverting back to a much simpler time, a time when this whole idea of a blog came about. That's right, I am going back to 2011 when I decided that the only answer I had to being asked on dates was "Yes." It has been less than three weeks into the new year and I have already set up (and not cancelled) three different dates. One of them has successfully turned into a 2nd and a 3rd date. I don't want to jinx it...but maybe 2013 is my year??

(But like, why am I using so many Disney characters? What is the gimmick here? I'm at a loss too peeps)

Diets Are Stupid and Ugly and I hate them

I feel like the title of this section says it all but I feel like I should explain how much of a masochist I really am. Like everyone else in the entire US of A, I ate my face off in the month of December. I ate like food was going out of style. I pretended to be on a diet when I was really just joshin' with myself and really eating globs of delicious holiday food. I ate until the new year came around and reminded me that the world wasn't ending, and at that point I realized that I was going to have to pay for my grievous mistakes and the horrendous way I had been treating my body in the name of Jebus and a good holiday dip. 

(Heyyyy GURL, don't judge. You ain't no summer chicken yo self)

So last Monday I decided to go extreme and give up carbs for 14 days. 

(#gurldown)

No, but seriously, I gave up carbs. Not only did I give them up, but I have kept to it amazingly so. I haven't had any carbs in 8 days. I make a lot of chicken and eggs and salad. I have gone out to restaurants and been able to focus ordering food without carbs. I have 100% told EVERYONE I have been eating with that I am doing #nocarbs2013, because I need everyone to know I am doing big things (It's the half-Jew in me, so sue me)

Real Talk: I wanna cut a bitch. I love bread and bagels almost as much as I love cheese. So this is like a death march for me right now. Not only that, it's like I am in a torturing myself because I have gone to not 1, not 2, but THREE EFFING PIZZA PLACES IN 8 DAYS. I don't even go out for pizza that much on a regular basis, yet I can't seem to get away from them right now. I have also gone on 2 dates in the last 8 days and it is really awkward to be out at dinner and say, 

Me: No, I can't be really cute with you and order an appetizer.

Cute Date: Oh, how come?

Me: Because all of the appetizers have some sort of carb in them that I can't pick out and I am basically constantly sabotaging myself.

Basically, I really dislike dieting but I am, unfortunately, noticing the difference in my body since I started this. No one is more pissed than I am that eating better is actually better for you. (A big old eff you to my body)

(My eyes are in a permanent eye roll) 

Wrap Up

So there is my State of the Union about my life right now. I have some stories about my dating faux pas  that I will tell you about in due time. I am also in the process of planing my Gay Debutante Ball for when I arrive in DC. This will consist of a boozy brunch, oogling of men, and lots of fabulously dressed people. (Nope, I couldn't be anymore more rainbow with that sentence)

(BECAUSE WHY NOT?!?! This was an unreal find and I will probably bring this gay unicorn man back in other posts. Kind of like a Where's Waldo? of blog photos)

Mama Fabulous: Bold and fierce 

Donald Glover: Tired from runnin' through my dreamz

DC: Flirty, Slutty, and Fabulous 

Unicorn Man: Keepin' It Real

Hocus Pocus: A Gay Halloween Story

Ho, Ho, Ho and a MERRRRYYYY....Halloween? (Well technically, at this point, it is the day after Halloween. Whatever, you get it.) Halloween is a time for children to walk up to stranger homes that they were previously told they were not supposed to walk up to, and ask them for candy, which they are normally never supposed to accept. It is a time for ladies and gentlemen to dress up in costumes they would never be caught in on any other night of the year. (except in the bedroom. *wink, wink* ughhh you're right #celibacy2012) And it is a night that I dread with every fiber of my being. Every. Fiber.

I know, I know, how can someone who loves this time of year as much as I do, dread one of the biggest holidays of the season? A lot of it revolves around the fact that I am terrible at coming up with ideas for costumes. I always choke and think of something super lame and predictable, it happens every year. When I was younger I stuck with two things I knew I could pull off...Vampire (I made it cool. Suck it Twilight) and Elvis (Because I could raise my lip in that weird way. Clever). When I got to college I realized that girls generally took off as much clothing as possible, while still covering the essentials, and guys were the counterparts to their girlfriends outfits. (Sexy Nurse/Doctor, Sexy Nun/Horny Priest, etc.). Well, I never had a girlfriend (duh) so I was left to come up with costumes on my own...and I was awful with it. My senior year of college I dressed up like the bouncers from my favorite bar....I put on a yellow shirt and shorts, that was it. (You know you drink too much when...).

Last year was my first year doing things with the gays for Halloween and it was the first year that I was mildly excited about the holiday. There was a big Heaven/Hell themed party at my favorite gay bar in Baltimore and I had a solid group of gays to go with. The only thing I struggled with was coming up with a costume that was both clever and mildly attractive (because I had high hopes for taking home a hot zombie). 

(Apparently sexy male zombies don't exist...so I found a vamp. #kissmeImirish)

As I racked my brain for this clever costume, I began to realize time was not on my side, mainly because I decided to wait until the day of the party to think of a costume. At the very last minute I decided to go to the hardware store around the corner from my townhouse and get a construction workers hat and a tool belt. If I was going to be something, I should at least make it as unbelievable as possible. (Halloween - where dreams come true). I was ecstatic that I finally had something and could  make my way over to  Gay Bffl's apartment, obviously with a hammer in my belt and my favorite jeans now ripped at the knee (I needed to make it look real? Ugh, I don't know what construction workers wear). When the door to his place opened (I was trying to look as butch as possible) I was greeted by the Gay Bffl and his boyfriend dressed up like a cowboy and a Native American. Not a big deal right? Well then I rounded the corner of the apartment and found my other friends dressed up like a cop and a biker. My gay friends, inadvertently, dressed up like the Village People. 

(I had a yellow hat on. Cause I'm authentic. I also had on a full shirt. Again, I'm authentic)

But, like, that is probably the gayest thing that has ever happened to me (shhh #celibacy2012). We weren't even trying to dress up like the gayest group of men out there...it just happened. We out-gayed ourselves, which I, honestly, didn't even think was humanly possible. After we all chuckled about it for a few minutes we ended up getting all sorts of schwastey before making our way to the club to dance and drink more in our accidentally coordinated outfits. 

The night was perfect. We danced a lot and I met an attractive "Go-Go Dancer" (it was his excuse to wear as little as possible) and macked it on the dance floor with him most of the night. After copious amounts of dancing and fun, my group pried me away from my new found love interest to take me home. (In retrospect, I still am annoyed at them for that.Ughhh he could go-go anywhere with me. Getttt itttt?). When we finally made it outside as a group, there were very few cabs and lots of sloppy drunk people in costumes trying to get into them. Since my group was so large we decided to split up; I was taking a group of the very drunk people and Gay Bffl was taking a group of the drunk people. FOOL PROOF PLAN, right? False. We didn't account for the other drunkards trying to get cabs. 

As I was about to step into the cab with my three drunk friends in the backseat, this little twink dressed as a fairy ran up to confront me. 

Fairy Twink: Excuse me, that's my cab. 

Me: Um, I am pretty sure those are my drunk friends in the backseat...so you're wrong.

Fairy Twink: We had it first.

Me: Again, I don't think ya did. You were nowhere near it when we got in. So...shew little fairy. 

Fairy Twink: Bitch, thats my cab.

That's when the little Fairy Twink took his cigarette and attempted to jab it into my neck.  We allll know, I don't deal well with people trying to attack me, but before I could smack this kids hand out of the way, Gay Bffl jumped in and did it for me. Before I knew it, there was a swarm of people by our cab and the cab driver was kicking us out because he saw a storm a-brewin'. 

Within moments this Fairy Twink's friends had formed a group and were starting to shove and push my group of 6. There was some pushing and some yelling in the middle of the streets, but it soon turned into mostly screaming. (mind you, there were cops not even a block a way just watching this whole thing unfold, good job Baltimore PD). Looking back on it now, we must have looked like we had just left the set of West Side Story: The Drag Queen's Edition. 

Then, out of nowhere, it was born...The Gay Clap...

 Now I have referenced gay clap before but this was the first real time that it made an appearance in my life. When the fighting moved from shoving to just screaming back and forth, Gay Bffl and I took it upon ourselves to yell louder than the rest to get our points across. 

Me: Shut *gay clap* the *gay clap* fuck *gay clap* up *gay clap*

Gay Bffl: Move *gay clap* the *gay clap* fuck *gay clap* along *gay clap*

These gays and girls were screaming some nonsense at us about the cab, but we kept saying the same thing louder and louder. At some point, Gay Bffl, turned and noticed that someone in their posse was filming the whole thing off into the distance. That, was obviously, unacceptable. Gay Bffl took it upon himself to go talk to the kid (and by talk, I mean he went and grabbed the phone out of his hands and started a confrontation)

Gay Bffl: What do you think you're doing dawg (we all butch up during fights apparently)

Spielberg: Yo, its a free country 

Gay Bffl: I'm pretty sure I didn't say you could film us. 

They went back and forth until the wonderful Baltimore PD decided to show up and break the fight up. Gay Bffl immediately turned to the cops and claimed that our little film director had stolen his phone. The cops looked around, and in a moment of racism at its finest, looked at me to provide some clarity because I was the only white person in this massive group street fight. 

     (Ugh...terrible...but good in this moment?)

Baltimore PD: Sir, what exactly is going on here?

Me: Uh...uh..That guy stole my friends phone! 

And like that, I had thrown this other guy under the bus. Gay Bffl took this as an opportunity to slowly begin ushering our friends out of this clusterfuck of terrible. The whole time the cops were searching the two people standing close to me, the group that had been previously screaming at my friends were now screaming at the cops. No one noticed that my friends had almost completely disappeared. 

One of the cops finally noticed that I was left standing alone in a sea of people who were definitely not fond of me. He looked around and then winked at me. 

Baltimore PD: Why don't we do this, if we find your phone we will give you a ring. You head out of here. 

Me: Sure sounds good. Keep up the good work.

I zoomed off to meet my friends around the corner and we left victoriously. We knew at the time how terribly twisted it was that the cops looked to me solely based on my race, but...it kinda worked out for us? (Don't worry, I have given back to the black community *wink, wink, nudge, nudge*)

This year, I decided to not partake in the shenanigans surrounding all hollows eve. Partly because costumes stress me out and partly because I'm lazy. Also, this past weekend, when I normally would have celebrated it all....I was stuck celebrating other peoples love. My Engaged Friend got married on Saturday, thus bringing him into the rank of "Married Friends", in a wonderful ceremony at a castle. (Feeling of Inadequacy: At an all time high). That same wonderful evening, in Baltimore, my practically married brother finally proposed to his lovely girlfriend of seven years. HOW IS THERE SO MUCH LOVE AROUND ME?!?! #single4lyfe (Side note: ugh, I'm actually happy for all of them)

Baltimore PD: Casually racist

Gay Bffl: My YMCA partner in crime...literally...crime

Married Friends: Multiplying....its like a zombie apocalypse

Fabulously Lost: Street Fighter, Nintendo style