Recrap Thursdays: I'm Sassified

I was wrong everyone, I was wrong and I am oh-so-sorry because the truth is just that much better. Before I let you all into why I am wrong I would like to discuss a couple of other things. First, I think that TLC is changing my life, like literally day-by-day making it better and worse at the same time. This channel started off as "The Learning Channel" and now it is the creator of Train Wrecks galore. As I sat down to watch this weeks episodes of my new favorite show "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" they played a series of commercials coming this fall. Let me tell you, don't be surprised if I never leave my house. Below are just a couple of the ones I might start watching religiously (i.e. missing social events, canceling dates, calling into work sick, and becoming a reality T.V. recluse)

• Abby and Brittany- It's about two girls. They share a body. (Whhhhhaaaatttt) They have two heads and one of everything else. All the cameras are going to do is follow them around and see what crazy hijinx these crazy girl(s) get into as people stare at them and they do normal tasks. Now, before you begin getting all "Fabulous, that's terrible they are making them a freak show", every single person on that channel signed contracts. They are getting paid, lots of money. Hell, I'd let someone stare at me for 30-60min a week if I was making loads of money (*cough cough*  Bravooo *cough cough*)

• Breaking Amish- I love that they chose a title that would make people think of the show that is about the meth-dealing former science teacher (Breaking Bad). I love to know everything about being Amish. I am fascinated by it and confused by it at the same exact time. MTV did a True Life episode about people who were ex-Amish a few years back and I have probably watched it 5 or 6 times, easily. I love all of the Dateline, 20/20, and other "real news" shows that feature stories about the Amish. I especially enjoy learning about the teens who go off on a "rumspringa", which basically means that they choose to be baptized within their church....or leave. They also have to choose at 16. SMART MOVE AMISH PEEPS. Who, at 16, is stable enough to be like "Peace fam, I'm gonna support myself with no high school degree and absolutely no idea how technology works." Anywhoz, this show is about Amish peeps leaving their Amish lives and exploring New York City. (I'm already hooked)

(A thousand times yes to everything in this photo)

They have a slew of other slightly deplorable shows in their line-up returning from last year that will be sporadically added to the mix of reality drudge I watch on a regular basis. I just want to personally thank TLC for allowing me to learn about things I never knew existed, and teaching me absolutely nothing that I can use in real life. Bravo, you dirty girl, bravo. 

Now....onto.....Honey Boo Boo!

I thought last week was a 2fer because it was the season premier, little did I know upon arriving home from my rowdy night at the local movie theatre, there were TWO back to back episodes of Honey Boo Boo for me to watch. I was elated, scared, and ready for my new favorite night of the week to begin. Each episode begins with a shot of the entire family smiling, interrupted by Mama's passing gas and the family breaking up in disgust. (How can you not be captivated by this?) The magic only continues on from there and I was on the edge of my seat. 

I have decided I want to be Alana's (Honey Boo Boo herself) best friend. This girl is HIGHsterical and constantly shooting zingers out at the family over random things. She enjoys and embraces being a redneck almost as much as her mother. Her best friends are her sister Chubbs and her pig Glitzy. I would like to be added to that list. 

In the first episode of the evening (entitled "She Oooo'd Herself), we are taken on a trip to the local Piggly Wiggly so Mama can do some extreme couponing to save money for Alana's upcoming pageants. The issue I have with her extreme couponing is that Mama is buying things she doesn't need. She saves all of these coupons and hopes to save lots of money, and whatever she "saves" she puts towards Alana's pageants. But she isn't really "saving" because she is getting things like free toilet paper (which we find out she has enough for the entire state of GA for at least six months). We find out in the episode, that Mama, is actually fairly good at math...but only when it comes to finding out pricing...she can't handle it outside of the grocery store. (She also has a glorious "math coupon" face)

(There was a noise that went with it too...)

After we are taken on the couponing adventure we get a sneak peak at the new coach that they have hired to help Alana become the Grand Supreme at the "Rock Star Pageant." (This is what the whole season is leading up to and it makes my heart sing. Can.Not.Wait.) The coach is this intense woman with massive facial expressions who is apparently "world-renowned" as a pageant coach. They practice inside of, what I can only assume, is the coach's home which is a wood cabin of sorts with lots of animal heads. Alana also has an adorable moment when the coach asks her if she knows who Elvis is and Alana responds with:

Alana: Elvis is....is...Santa Claus' Helper. Sugar Bear told me so, so that's who he is.

Now, Sugar Bear (her dip-chewin' semi-mute of a father) is obviously terribly wrong, but it's in these moments where you realize she is a six-year old girl and not just the catchphrase-making dolled up girl TLC has created. 

We cut to the kitchen of their house (which is surrounded by an over abundance of things due to the couponing and the lack of places to put things.) and it is that time of the week for all of them to weigh-in. In the last episode they decided to do a weight loss challenge with Chubbs and Mama, no terms were set and there was no prize at the end....but it was listed as a challenge nonetheless. Both of them had moved down and were celebrating their weight loss when Glitzy, the family's new pig, decided it was time to release himself. (Alana decided last week that Glitzy was going to be a "gay pageant pig" and she was going to refer to him as her). This caused the family to freak out and back away from the table as Alana exlaimed:

Alana: We put Glitzy on the table....and she ooooo'd herself

Ahh, how wonderfully pleasant it must be to live in this house. Just as fast as we had a bonding moment over weight loss, we are taken across town to Mama's moms house for Chickadee's babyshower. (How could we forget the 17yr old pregnant sister?!?!). As they are setting up for the babyshower we are listening to Mama talk about her life as a teen Mom.

Mama: I had Chickadee when I was fifteen and it was real hard. Her baby daddy isn't in the picture and neither was mine. We gonna help her with what we can but she gonna have to take care of her self. You done the deed, you do the time.

Beyond the gramatical mishaps plaguing this interview, I was caught off guard by the fact that she said Chickadee's father wasn't in the picture. But...but...I thought Sugar Bear was the father of all her babies. I'm left feeling lost, confused, betrayed, and a little angry with Sugar Bear...but I don't know exactly why I am angry at him. 

(Classic Dawson)

Anywhoz, Chickadee has a super redneck babyshower that is sweet...but they also had baby bottle drinking contest. The first episode comes to a close with Chickadee cursing about how much she hates Glitzy, who squealed her/his way through the entire shower. 

The second episode, entitled "I'm Sassified" was definitely my favorite of the two episodes. This whole episode, more-or-less, focused on Mama and Sugar Bear's eighth anniversary. Hold up, hold up, hold up. Wtf? How can they only be together 8 years? There daughters are 17, 15, 12, and 6. If my math is as good as Mama's couponing, which I believe it is, that means Sugar Bear is only the father of Alana. 

Turns out, my math is right. Mama explains that Sugar Bear is only the father of Alana and that the other girls all have different baby daddies. (I am at a complete and utter loss as to how I am completely single, yet this one has had 4 baby daddies since she was 15. Amurika.) And that, ladies and gents, is how I was wrong. I just ASSUMED that redneck love was stronger than the rest of our love. I just ASSUMED Sugar Bear and Mama had a relationship that bordered on super creepy. I just ASSUMED and when you ASSUME, you make an ass out of you. (Not me, because...well. eff you).  Sugar Bear has so much play time in this episode and it is just so wonderful. He is full of his own gemz, when you can understand him through his dip chewing and mumbled expressions of love for Mama.

To prep Alana for her pageant and to do something nice for all of the girls, Mama takes them all to the spa to get facials/pedicures. This is a sweet gesture, which means that something has to happen that is freakish or weird...and oh, does it deliver. Mama and Alana  are shown first getting facials and having a nice moment before they cut to the other girls getting pedicures. In between moments of the girls saying and doing ridiculous things, they show one of the pedicurists, who has a look of sheer disbelief, explaining how it was dealing with all of these women. She kept saying, "They all have such big personalities, I think I should go home." (Oh, pedicurist, they just made you famous, the most famous you will be that is,...just hush now...shhh just let it happen)

It's at this point that we find out that Mama has forklift foot. (I just, I just don't know, I just can't) Which she explains in detail to the pedicurist.

Mama: A few years ago, when I was working in the factory, a forklift ran over my foot. And now I have Forklift Foot. I never take off my socks or show people my feet. 

So, we finally found the line Mama won't cross on this show, and that's showing her forklift foot. She will exploit her family, herself, her town...but forklift foot is OUT of the question. Good to know Mama, good to know. At the end of the spa visit the woman asks them if they feel "Beautimous." Now, I thought this was something that Mama made up last week when she talked about her "vajiggle jaggle" (Which is what she calls all of the skin that encompasses her three chins...her words, not mine). Apparently, many people in the south say things like "Let's get beautimous" or "I feel beautimous". I am extremely intrigued...is this true? Do people really use this to describe themselves? HELP ME FIGURE THIS OUT.

(This is what I think Mama would look like if she was all done up...)

Anywhoz, the girls get Mama all gussied up for her date and Sugar Bear drives her to a cafeteria-esque place. They cut to interviews with both of them discussing how they came together and fell in love. 

Sugar Bear: It was love at first sight. I have asked her to marry many times, if she ever says yes I will do it in a heartbeat.

See what Mama says about the whole thing:

Mama: Was it love at first sight? No. Was it bed at first sight? Maybe. Gotta test the milk out before you buy the cow. 

And there you have it, now we understand why Mama has 4 baby daddies and why this last one has stuck around for so long. Sugar Bear gives Mama a brass deer that she openly tells him is a foolish gift and he should've gotten her candles. Sugar Bear explains in an interview that he got it for her because it represents the times they have spent hunting, chopping, carving, cooking, and eating roadkill over the last 8 years. (This is oddly romantic....well as romantic as you can be when discussing roadkill). They eat their dinners and "try to be romantic" with Sugar Bear getting "smooches" every once in while...in between Mama missing her mouth and having a hard time using the fork. 

Meanwhile, back at the house, the girls are tee-peeing the house with some of the rolls of toilet paper that Mama has gotten for free from the Piggly Wiggly. Alana lets the audience know that this is their gift to them for their anniversary. Only would a redneck think that vandalism is the proper gift for an eighth anniversary. (Don't they know paper is the 1st anniversary gift). Mama arrives back home and is NOT happy with anything that has happened. Sugar Bear, on the other hand, finds this all so amusing. So much so that he takes time out of his dip chewing to let us know. How sweet. 

Mama: You just wasted 6 months of toilet paper. Thats six months of butt wiping. 

Girls: It's free. You got it for free. We didn't waste your money. You never appreciate us. 

I will remember that tee-peeing your parents house is how you show appreciation. Sorry Mom and Dad, I promise to use Charmin's Ultra Soft Brand.

The episode closes out with them going to get Alana a new dress for her pageant. She ends up sassing the dress maker as Mama sits back and laughs. They also decide to get a dress made for Glitzy so they can incorporate him/her into the next pageant routine. All good pageant winners have pigs in their routines. All of them. 

Tomorrow, I will update you with some love-life type things and continue this beautiful disaster I call life. OH...next week I will be posting a drinking game for Honey Boo Boo....so get ready to get SLOSHED on a Wednesday....or whenever you DVR it for. 

Honey Boo Boo: tricking a nation and making millions

GA: Getting a bad rap

Glitzy: Needz to call animal control

Fabulous: Shock. And. Awe. 

Train Wrecks: Reality T.V. Edition

I think life is filled with little moments that allow us to feel good about ourselves for things that we have done or things we are about to do, but there are a lot of moments that are also just...there. I think it's readily apparent at this point that my life is a beautiful disaster filled with lots of "WTF" moments and a side of "OMG Really?" moments. Whenever I feel like I am getting too down on myself or I start to wonder if life is always going to be a little bit of a joke, I turn to my T.V. Why, you might ask? GOOD QUESTION READER! Well, because our T.V.'s are filled with people who are massive train wrecks and they make me feel wonderful about my life. Does that make me a terrible person? Probably, but I don't give a flippin' flipper because its there for me and I revel in getting to watch the lives of these people played out on the boob tube.

I'd like for you to take a journey with me on my favorite train wreck's, both on T.V. and in real life. (Shhhh...just let it happen..shhhh)

(Ohhh Thomas)

1. Rock of Love: Ok, granted this show isn't on anymore because Brett Michael's became an "artist" again. (meaning he got back with his baby mama and recorded a song with Miley Cyrus...artisssst). But this show lasted for three wonderful seasons and provided me with more entertainment than most of the people in my life (not apologizing for that comment...you need to watch and you'll understand). He took a bunch of trashy women and put them together to compete on who would get a drunken make out session with him. These women came from all walks of life and represented most of America really well. HAHAHAHA Jk lolzzzzzz. Most of these women were strippers, are currently strippers, or became strippers after the show. I am currently putting a petition to get the show back on the air because Mr. Michael's and his baby mama just broke up. I shed many tears....OF JOY! Cahmmmm ahnnn...the last season he had all of the girls living on a tour bus. A. Tour. Bus. Like, really? You couldn't spring for the mini-Bachelor Mansion? Who am I kidding? I LOVED the Tour Bus Season. Also this show spawned some other notable mentions: Daisy of Love, I Love Money, Megan Wants A Millionaire, and Rock of Love: Charm School. Thanks VH1 and don't worry you are prominently featured on this list. 

   

(This was a contestant. This show happened in the '00s, not the 80s. This contestant was a stripper. Facts.)

2. Celebrity Fit Camp- Now, I have had my fair share of struggles with weight (I'm like an 'effin yo-yo. A bright up, glittery yo-yo used in the 90's yo-yoing competitions...but still a yo-yo.), so this one may seem insensitive, but it's not...I swear! So the first season of this show was fairly bland but was still "motivational" at times. This show lasted a solid 7 seasons and kept bringing me more joy with every one of them. The only purpose of this show, was to take D-List (I am being kind by saying they were even d-list) and have a trainer yell at them while trying to help them solve their psychological issues...which all stemmed around them not being relevant anymore. (HOW COULD I NOT LOVE THIS?!?!)

 But, real talk, the last three seasons were reality television GOLD. Season's 5 and 6 featured Dustin Diamond, who is better known for playing Screech on the beloved '90s sitcom Saved by the Bell (I am upset with those who don't know him. Real talk). Screech is the epitome of a disastrous train wreck. Since his stint as a teen star he has gained a lot of weight, released his own sex tape, and pissed off the entire Saved by the Bell cast so badly that they didn't include him in their 2006 People Magazine reunion cover. Shit. Got. Real. for him. Anywhoz, Screech proceeded to be the drama queen on both season's he appeared on. He screamed at the judges, showed up drunk to challenges, complained that people didn't take him serious after he released the sex tape (shockerrr), and even went off on Marsha Brady (Yup, the oldest sister from the Brady Bunch was on the show...such good t.v.!)

(what he wore to a weigh-in. So perfect)

So where do you go after you have Screech and Marsha Brady yell at each other on t.v.? Oh, don't you worry, the producers had a gem up their sleeves. Season 7 brought us Kevin Federline, former back-up dancer and baby daddy for the one, the only, Britney Spears. Literally, the promos came on for that and I might have peed myself in excitement. But that's not all the producers did, no, no, they had something else for me. They brought on Shar Jackson for this season as well. And who is this little firecracker? Well, Ms. Jackson had a prominent role on the '90s UPN show, Moesha, and....and...she is K. Fed's FIRST BABY MAMA. Whaaaaat??!? YES! I literally keeled over when I saw the commercial that featured both of them. K. Fed left Shar (while she was PREGGERS) for Britney. This was too good to be true...but it was true and wonderful and what happiness is made of. K Fed talked about how no one would give him a chance as a rapper because of Brit Brit (That was never happening, sorry) and Shar talked about how hard it was to watch K Fed and Britney being in love in the tabloids. I just....I just can't. It was a good time in my life. +

(He appeared on TV in underwear. Never gonna be a rapper)

3. Tool Academy- This is another VH1 hidden treasure that was on mostly when I was in college...I am still at a loss as to why it isn't on anymore. Basically, girlfriends nominated their boyfriends to be ambushed and tricked into entering the "Academy" so they can put their toolish ways behind them. Each boyfriend was given a tool nickname, like Tiny Tool, Naked Tool, Loud Mouth Tool, and Playa Pimpin' Tool. (Yes, that is what that gentlemen was referred to as for the entire season). Each week they had different challenges to complete with their girlfriends and each week had a theme, like Humility, Trust, Commitment, and Family Values. They also included a therapist on the show to help out, you know to make it more legit. Because this show was about making men more refined...the therapist was British. Facts, it enhanced the show sooo much. Many of the tool's didn't make it to the end and their girlfriends had the option of breaking up with them if they failed. Those who did make it to the end of each of the three seasons, for some reason, all decided to get tattoos of "Tool Academy" to represent the change they had made. Think about that. They had TOOL ACADEMY tattooed on their bodies for.ev.er. 

My favorite part of each season was at the end when the show would surprise the winning couple with a wedding. They threw surprise weddings for people who just finished being part of a program about being a Tool. Yes...that's right gay marriage is what is ruining the sanctity of marriage in the world, not t.v. shows that have surprise weddings for tools. 

4. Real Housewives Franchise - It started with Orange County and it grew and grew and grew. Bravo holds some of my favorite t.v. shows of all time. When I am bored, I turn to Bravo. Bravo is in the top 10 for best friends in my life...always able to put a smile on my face. This show has taken us on a roller coaster of emotions and has really provided me with a good look at what it's going to be like when I am a kept man. (This is more a "when" rather than "if" statement...facts). Ok, lets chat about the ladies for a minute from the different seasons I've watched and fallen in love with! 

• Orange County: Ups and downs are a-plenty on this show. From the gold digging Barbie doll to the over powering real estate mogul, this show had the gamete of characters. They were all blonde, tan, and fake boob-ed out. Then the recession hit and divorces happened, fortunes were lost, and everyone pretended like they still had money. This was the first show to have scandals around money issues. Terrible for them...but they did put it ALL out there on t.v.
• New York: How could I not watch this?  You had the Jewish mother stereotype, the single lady living in the city, the Countess who couldn't count, the kooky social climber, the wine-o CEO lady, and the former model. This rag-tag group of ladies started off with a bang and we followed as the countess lost her title...and her husband, the jewish mother was too overbearing and lost the single lady friend, and the social climber was shot down by everyone. The ladies have now rotated after several seasons and they are still keeping me engaged. Now they have a one-legged woman. Facts. 
• Atlanta: Seriously, like, seriiioooussssllllyyyyy? Georgia is just a mess if all the reality t.v. I watch is even remotely correct about this state. This was also the first cast of mostly black women for this franchise. The drama was more fiery and the money was less accessible, but they lived big. These women were the first to call a cat, a cat and admit, often, that this show was here to make them famous. Backstabbing, catchphrases, and attitude were present in every second of every episode. I was afraid I was going to get yelled at through the t.v....plus the women got PHYSICAL on this show. Lots of weave and wig pulling. 
• New Jersey: This came on the coattails of the "Ohemgeeee New Jerz people are so funny and trashy...lets watch themmmm do everything". I was part of this group who loved watching all things New Jersey because, well, because as a former-New Yorker (I know...Surpriseeee I love NY!) I look at NJ as the slow step-cousin who forgot to bathe on a regular basis. Kind of hard to stand but also really hard not to pay attention to. These housewives DELIVERED in every way possible. Table flipping, family dramz, and mafia threats. Staunch husbands awkwardly delivering interviews on camera and children who go tanning and mug for the camera. 
• Beverly Hills: This recently became my favorite of the housewives shows and the one I watch the most often. Why? Because they have real money. These women aren't living above their means *cough Orange County cough Atlanta cough NJ*, they are just that disgustingly rich. The poorest woman on the show is still worth about $3 million. The POOREST is worth millions. I can't. They all have hobbies and things they call work but the only job I see them doing well at is slinging insults. And boy do they know how to do that. These women do it in such a subtle way you have to make sure you are paying attention. They have mansions on mansions on mansions. There is a British bitch on the show that makes my heart sing. 

Yes, the Real Housewives have provided me with hours of mindless entertainment over the last six years. Each of them represent a different time in my life, a different moment of pure joy. 

5. America's Next Top Model - Tyra. Tyra. Tyra. She is the most wonderful debacle to ever live. She talks like she has lived a hard life and hasn't been a super model since she 14 years old. She gives feedback to the contestants with gemz like "I need you to smile with your eyes, I need you to smeyes." Everything she tells the girls somehow relates back to a hard time she had while modeling. Tyra will often begin with "Do you know how hard it was for me to be one of the only black girls at my first Paris fashion show?" Now, don't get me wrong, Tyra has had her fair share of scrutiny and had to deal with racism in the modeling world, but when you are talking to some girls who have never left their hometown...talking about the difficulties of being flown to Paris to model doesn't do much for you. Tyra has believed in every single one of the girls and she shows it through screaming, hugging, photographing, and putting them in weird photographs. Oh, and one of the prizes for the winner is to take a professional photo with Tyra. (There is no joke to accompany that. Just statin' facts of the show.) Yes, I love this show because you are never sure what Tyra you will get in each episode. 

6. Here Comes Honey Boo Boo- So this is a new favorite of mine. So new that it premiered tonight (last night by the time I post this...hope future me is well rested...doubtful), and it is the most glorious thing I have ever watched. The whole show is a spin-off of Toddlers and Tiara's, which I will only watch with a group of people, because otherwise it feels really weird and creepy. Anywhoz, Honey Boo Boo is based off this girl Alana who is from a tiny town in Georgia (Oh GA, things are just terrible for you on T.V.). Alana and her family are coupon saving, pageant participating, redneck game winning people. Alana is known for drinking Go-Go Juice, which is mountain dew and red bull, and coming up with catchphrases that she doesn't realize are catchphrases. 

• "A dollar makes me holler, honey boo boo" 
• "You better redneckognize"
• (when talking about her gay uncle) "He's a poodle. He's a poodle cause he's got some fruit in his tank"
• "We're going to make you a pageant gay pig."
• *Her mother* "All that vajiggle jaggle is not beautimos"

The family is just as entertaining as Honey Boo Boo, who described her sisters in the first 5minutes using their family nicknames. 

• Pumpkin, 12: "She is the craziest." And she was. She participated in a game where you had to fish raw pigs feet out of a bucket of water...with your mouth. Yup, Pumpkin is crazy.
• Chickadee, 17: "She's the pregnantest" She was probably the thinnest member of the family...and she was pregnant. 
• Chubbs, 15: "She's my best friend, like my B. F. F" Yes this girls nickname is Chubbs. High self-esteem all around in this house.

The mother is 32. Do the math. Just do it. Ok, ok, I'll do it for you, yes that means June, the mother, was 15 when she had Chickadee. Sugar Bear, the father, is 40. (Cahhhhmmm ahhnnnnn the math!) Alright, so that makes him 23 when Chickadee was born. That means he impregnated the mother when she was 14 and he was 22. (So much math in this post...but it's sooo important). Apparently that's legal in the south, you can get married very young with parental consent. It's too much. I am 23 and I have never looked at a 15 year old and thought, "He looks like a swell baby daddy, lets get him barefoot and preggers". Never. Never. Never. But, hey, they've been together for at least 17yrs!

 

I am going to try and update you frequently on this show, because it is just the best show on television. Don't worry, you don't need to watch....I will be your eyes and ears. 

Reality T.V.: Greatest thing this side of the Atlantic

Bravo: Producers of Happiness

TLC: No longer the learning channel, but sooo much better

Fabulously Lost: Missing many hours of my life, but a-okay with it