New York = Aggressive

This past weekend I had the pleasure of visiting my older brother up in the greatest city on earth, New York. Now for those of you who don't know me, I have a massive obsession with all things New York. It was born from my father's incessant bragging that no other state could compare, and no other city could really compare. I am horrific at United States geography because of this. My knowledge of the states was based off of a map like this one:

That being said, it is always a treat for me to go visit my family and friends up in New York, and I probably sound like an annoying child the week prior to visiting. 

Me: Soooo what are you doing this weekend? *snicker snicker*

All People: Uhh I don't know, probably drinking or something. What about you?

Me: IM GOING TO NEW YORK WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

All People: Oh cool, I'm sure you will have fun

Me: HA HA HA, Are you kidding? While you are drinking in bumblefuck, MD, I will be hob nobbing with celebrities and socialites. That's how its done in NY. 

All People: Cool...I guess you like it up there. 

Me: Who doesn't like the happiest place on earth?

All People: I thought the happiest place on earth was Disneyworld?

Me: Obviously you were mistaken. Check your facts, if you don't like New York you are a terrorist and a keeper of doom.

All People: I feel like that's a bit drastic...

Me: I didn't make up the rules, I just enforce them.

As you can see....I can be a bit dramatic about my love of the city. (Whaaaaat? YOU? Dramatic? PISH POSH!. Yup, I know its a shocker) I decided that I wanted to take this opportunity  in the city to flex my social networking skills and see what NY's dating world had to offer. I had added several of the GPS fueled dating apps to my phone and I was ready to go. My poor brother had no idea what he was getting into when he invited me up for the weekend.

To my complete and utter surprise, days before I went up, I got a gchat from my brother asking if I would be down to go to a gay show tunes bar in the Village. (I'm gonna repeat that sentence) Gay. Show tunes Bar. Village. AS if this was request I would ever turn down, I gladly accepted and told him to beware, my inner theatre diva would be joining me for the weekend. (Honestly, when isn't the diva present?) I loaded my bag with cologne, fancy underwear (which would probably only be seen by people if my bag flung open in Grand Central Station.), and lots of outfit changes. 

The bus trip up to NY was a nightmare. I met a drug addict mom who was tweaking on Vicodin (the only seat on the bus was next to her) and she spent the two hour journey to Philly telling every detail of her drug induced life. While this was going on the resident drug dealer on the bus was selling and buying Oxy.  I then had an hour layover in Philly. (Yes...buses have layovers. They have layovers in the grittiest parts of town.). The second half of the trip wasn't as bad but still cramped. This wasn't the amazing time I had been telling people I was going to have, but I am now well informed on the different types of Oxy (Heyyy Jealousy). 

Once I arrived in the city my different "dating" apps began to BLOW up. Messages from white, black, Asian, and Hispanic men began flooding my inbox. Now I can tell you that I received more views and comments while I was up there than I have in the entire month of January. Some highlights:

UWS Socialite: I see you are visiting from Baltimore? The best sites are in my bedroom...

I know NY very well, I don't think I have ever heard of you bedroom as a pit stop...

Captain: You're hot. Meet me at 90th and Amsterdam. There is a bar there, we can play in the basement.

1. Thank you. 2. My mother told me not to go in strange basements. 3. Was that reallly a pick up line?

2DAYS: Hey, I'm in the city two more days until I am deported...wanna make it worth my while? Help me complete my bucket list in Central Park. 

Uhhh....I think I'm good? And did you want to go ice skating in Central Park? What is on your bucket list? Being vague is unbecoming. 

I was obviously a popular guy up in NY, and despite the enormously creepy aggressiveness of the men on these sites, I felt pretty. (Yup, I said it....hypersexual innuendo made me feel pretty. I have three sessions with my therapist next week.) But it wasn't until we got to the gay show-tunes bar that I truly felt the power of my overwhelming attractiveness. (HAHAHAHAHAHA...I died typing that.)

We arrived at the bar and immediately got drinks and started singing Cabaret. Life. Was. Good. Sooo many men, mostly old ones, crowded around this tiny piano bar singing their hearts out. When it was my turn to buy the obnoxiously expensive round of drinks I was accosted at the bar by this older fellow in his 50s, who spun around and asked me several questions.

Oldie: Do you like show tunes? Isn't this bar great?

Me: I do like them, thats why I came! So great! *puzzled*

Oldie: I wish I were gay. I connect with them so well.

Me: I am gay....its pretty great. 

Oldie: I could tell, just call it a hunch.

(Ummmm...A HUNCH? You are in a homosexual bar singing show tunes. Everyone is a little gay. Also RUDE. I am not that gay....all the time.)

Me: Thanks?

Oldie: It's a compliment, me and the wife love the gays. 

I proceeded to walk away slowly and bring the drinks back to the group. As I stood there I began to make Eye Love to a guy sitting at the bar. We were smiling at each other and sort of winking and just being extremely coy. (I probably looked like I was having a seizure since I am a smooth criminal with facial motions) I literally moved my friend Jen to the other side of our circle in order to continue making our Eye Love. But then things got weird...really weird.  Oldie started calling my name from across the bar and requesting that I come meet my Eye Boyfriend. I panicked. How did they know each other? Why wasn't I paying attention before? 

Oldie: I wanted you to meet my friend, Eye Boyfriend. He said he noticed you, like I did! 

Me: Uhh you noticed me? And...Hello Eye Boyfriend.

Oldie: Now that you have met I'm going to my wife.

Me: Merp, uhhh, yup...heyyyy....

Eye Boyfriend: So do you come here often? I'm here most nights.

Me: Nope, just visiting from out of town. (wouldn't he have seen me if I had been here? Most nights)

Eye Boyfriend: Ah yes. Well that's quite lovely.

Me: Yup, do you live around here?

Eye Boyfriend: I live in Brook---OOOOOOOKLAHOMA 

At that point he stopped talking because the title song from Oklahoma came on and he needed to belt it in falsetto. He was off key, off pitch, off tune, off his rocker, and off my dating list. When the song ended, so did our brief romance. I told him I needed to see my friends. He responded in the creepiest way possible.

Eye Boyfriend: Find me at the end of the night. I have a place you can stay the night. Visitors welcome. 

I left New York with a slightly higher self-esteem and a bit more caution with which sites to add to my phone. The trip was a success and a good warning of the dating woes of the greatest city in the world. Can't wait to move there....a different world of mishaps!

Fabulously Lost: .5

Internet Dating: 10.5 (I dated many men that weekend)

Eye Love Making: Better left to the professionals

Musicals: Extremely Homosexual

New York: Aggressive and amazeballz