Meeting the Oompa-Loompa Stalker

Remember that time that I gave my number out to Stalker Dan? Well, as my attendance of the gay bars increased so did the possibility of running into many of the men that I had gone on dates with or spoken to on Grindr and OkCupid. I don't think I took this into account as I began dating most of the greater Baltimore area. Its kind of like when your parents tell you that you aren't invincible and you should be careful when you are driving, and you don't really believe them until you scrap your 1995 piece of junk car up against someone else's car in the parking lot of your high school while the person is in the parked. (This is a very specific example. It didn't happen to me. I'm a fabulous driver. I also didn't hit another car in that parking lot three weeks later on my 17th birthday. Friends did that, I swear....gaawwwd leave me alone. I get it I need driving lessons.) Well my dating life is the smashed cars in the parking lot of life, just sitting there parked waiting to get rammed into by me, the blind driver, who may or may not be listening to Jesse McCartney.

Anywhoz, Stalker Dan holds a special place in my heart and I believe always will. While I sit here and complain about his random text messages, that I still receive to this day, I secretly enjoy the ongoing attention. In fact I got one on MLK Day! 

"Hey the schools have off for MLK jr. Wanna remember him the right way? ;)"

Noooowwww, I don't really understand how we can "winky face" remember him the right way. I am assuming he means something sexual, but if we were to REALLY remember him the right way I feel like we would watch some documentaries, read some articles, go to some museums, etc. You know smart people stuff. (Or you could do what my 75% white high school did and combine it with African American History Month celebration and have a dance show where the big "African American" inspired dance number was actually done by 2 white girls...but I digress) 

Stalker Dan found me on Grindr as well and pretended not to recognize me to try and make it seem like he was just randomly instant messaging me. This happened about a week before we met at the gay bar. 

Stalker Dan: Oh hello there, you are quite attractive

Me: Hey Dan

Stalker Dan: How do you know my name? That was a really good guess

Me: Dan, its Mitchell, you know who I am.

Stalker Dan: I don't think we have met before. Did we accidentally sleep together once?

Me: Ugh no Dan, we didn't. We met on OkCupid....we never went on a date. 

Stalker Dan: Well thats unfortunate. We should change one of those things! Wanna accidentally sleep together?

I am not confused or disturbed by the fact that he is randomly finding me on other online "dating" websites, but more by what he is saying. I don't really understand how one "accidentally" sleeps with someone. I have been in many precarious situations but I never blamed alcohol for "accidents" (whether it is hooking up with people, public urination, public dancing, or public humiliation. I'm a classy guy...). I also don't understand why he wants us to plan on "accidentally" sleeping together. This all seems very strange, but if you notice I still respond to his cries for attention, because I am desperate for male attention and my online stalker boyfriend provides me with a little bit of comfort. (I am seeking therapy, I promise. Sorry Mom!)

A week or so after this wonderful online encounter my Gay Bffl, my partner in crime, and I decided to go to the gay club on a random Wednesday. (Yup, I called him my partner in crime. Yup I can hear my father saying that. Yup I'm gonna stick with it). Now the gay club/bar on a Wednesday is generally reserved for those beautiful people in life who are alcoholics, lonely, and/or looking for that midweek hook up...no matter how desperate the other people look. This doesn't seem that far off from most straight bars to be honest, except they usually mask it with "Trivia Night". Gay Bffl and I decided it would be fun to go look at all of these people and indulge in some midweek dranks. (We may have already been wildly under the influence after each finishing a bottle-ish of wine at dinner. It's normal and cost effective, a serving size is one bottle...right?)

As we arrive at the bar we already know its going to be a good night because we both run into past "conquests" of ours. We genuinely feel better about ourselves when we see those we have dated looking lonely at the bar. (we obviously don't take into account how they view us...since we are at the same bar, at the same time, doing the same thing. Thats neither here nor there...we have drunk confidence so screw their thoughts!) We immediately order a Belvedere and Water for each of us and begin scoping out the crowd. Within MOMENTS I scan the bar and see Stalker Dan sitting at the end of the bar coyly playing with his drink, staring at me and waiting for me to notice him so he could saunter over and say hello. 

It seems, however, that I have a pattern when it comes to meeting men online. Remember above when I thought Stalker Dan was sitting at the bar because of where his body was positioned on the bar? Welp, turns out Stalker Dan is a solid 5' 5", which for some reason isn't how I pictured him at all. I then had one of those moments you see in t.v. where the weird main character does a flashy thing and pieces together small pieces that no one remembers seeing (because they didn't happen) but they are somehow able to solve the mystery. I tried to remember all of his profiles that had popped up over the last 7 months and I realized he didn't have his height listed on any of them. Now in all honesty, sometimes when I'm drunk I like to "remember" things because it makes the moment a little more dramatic and fun. (Whaaaaat? Meeeee dramatic?? N-E-V-A. Neva....ok maybs a little. But I was pretty sure that he didn't list his height.)

Well the little nugget made his way up to me and in true form pretended not to know me. As if this was just a normal meeting of two people at a bar on a Wednesday night. 

Stalker Dan: Well how are you this fine evening, sir? *winks in a very unattractive way*

Me: Hi Dan, I guess its good to finally meet you? *Sticks out hand for an unreciprocated handshake*

Stalker Dan: *strokes my arm instead of shaking my hand* Do we know each other from another drunk fun evening cutie?

Me: Nope Dan, we have been chatting on and off for several months on OkCupid and Grindr, and you text me every once in awhile.

Stalker Dan: We must have had some fun, I don't give my number out to just anyone. Even if they are as hot as you

Me: Nope, we have never met before. Also you definitely gave me your number in the first message you sent me, no fun necessary.

Stalker Dan: Well lets fix  that then, shall we? I don't live far from here and I could use a buddy to walk me home.

I think that his little attempt at being suave was failing miserably,  and also the coy "mysterious" game fails when you text and message me on every "dating" site possible. ( Also, having self esteem lower than the pits of hell, telling me I'm hot is generally a turn off. What a charming quality, right?)  I also want to take a moment to discuss the last part of his last sentence, "I could use a buddy to walk me home." Now I understand how it can be hard for a little nugget on the streets of Baltimore, but when you are in your mid-late twenties and also the size of an oompa-loompa I don't think you should use that as a way to get men back to your apartment. 

(He's the one on the right.)

I vehemently declined his kind offer and turned to Gay Bffl for some help in the matter. First he ignored me, which I can only assume he did because it is interesting and amusing to see an oompa-loompa pursue a giant, but  he finally came around and saved me like his dutiful rights as the Gay Bffl enforce him to do.  We did an old switch-a-roo in where I was standing and I smoothly fit myself into the convo he was having with another friend of ours. (now when I say smoothly, I can only assume it was the opposite of smooth because I had been drinking...Who am I kidding? I'm not smooth sober. I straight up awkwardly ignored Stalker Dan)

Stalker Dan and I have seen each other several times since our original encounter but none of them have been quite as enlightening or illuminating as the original, when I felt a bit like I had just walked in on Charlie's Chocolate Factory of Misfit Oompa-Loompa's.  

Internet Dating: 8.5 (he was already a fail...no need to increase a number right?)

Me: .5

Oompa-Loompas: Alive and well in Baltimore

Drunk Confidence: Welcome on all my dates