I want to take a moment and take you back into my life to a time when I was straight. (AHAHAHA...yup there was a time when I told people I liked ze ladies). I was quite the ladies man and I've actually probably had more girlfriends then boyfriends....(I told you I should have chosen to be straight!). I thought I had quite the racket going on and that people were convinced of my heterosexuality. Annnd then I came out. When I came out I had a slew of different reactions from positive to negative, mostly positive and mostly people telling me they knew before I did. (Side note: Never tell a gay person that you knew before they did...you didn't and its obnoxious.) Below is a compilation of some of my favorite reactions over the years.
Now I am newly in love with being gay and thinking its the best thing since sliced bread. I originally wanted to be one of those "hetero-masculine" acting gays who only had straight friends. (FYI...in case you haven't gathered..I have never been "hetero-masculine" acting...rainbows always shoot out of my mouth when I speak) So back when I came out I wanted to do it very strategically. I was 16 years old and this was obviously an all encompassing task and I planned everything out to a "t." I came out to my parents first which was a hoot...but I will get to that later. I then decided to come out to one of my best girl friends at the time, thinking that she was going to be the easiest to tell.
First I told my friend Bee (we had weird nicknames for each other that still don't make sense to me...I was Boo...don't ask). I was so nervous and I wanted to take her aside after our World History class junior year. We wrote notes back and forth to discuss when we were going to talk.
Me: Hey...so I have something really big to talk to you about
Bee: What is it? Tell me
Me: I think it should be said out loud. Are you free after class
Bee: No...we have another class after this. idiot
Me: Rude, Ill tell you at lunch I guess
Bee: No, tell me now. I want to know
Me: Ok....I'm gay...
(remember thats all on a piece of paper...I just came out to a friend on a piece of paper...)
Bee: *speaking loudly now*: OMG THIS IS GREAT! WE HAVE TO GO SHOPPING!
Yup, the first thing that any friend said to me about my being gay was that we had to go shopping. Somehow a lot of people, not just Bee, think that now that I was willing to admit to my homosexuality, I was magically the best person to go shopping with. They stopped caring about dressing and undressing in front me and they always asked my opinion about clothing, because a gay mans opinion is next to God when it comes to clothing.
I then told my other best girl friend, Girl-Next-Door (GND), since she was like a big sister to me. I had been kinda concerned about how she was going to take it since she loved her some Jesus. I want you to think for a moment where the best place it would be to tell GND. Think about it lonnnggg and hard. (that's what he said...hehe). Then erase that place because I am positive you couldn't guess where I actually told her.
I told GND that I was gay next to the dumpsters in our h.s. Not only was it by the dumpsters, but it was after lunch so they were filled with crap. I decided to tell her next to GARBAGE. This sends a positive message about being gay I am sure. To her credit, she hugged me and said "cool." (I think I wanted streamers and confetti to pop out over us...but beggars can't be choosers...)
I told a couple of other core people in my life and then I told this one girl who I knew would tell everyone. I told her during homeroom and by fourth period I had people coming up and congratulating me. My friend New York (she later went to NYU and I visited her all the time), who had sociology with me 6th period, walked up to me with a little side-eye action going on and goaded me for information.
NY: Someone had a big day didn't he...didn't ya kiddo!
Me: Uhh whattt? I...uhh..hahah...uhh. No it's just thursday
NY: Come on, come on now. I hear things, I know things. It was a big ol' day for ya!
Me: Well I mean...I guess. Yeah its kinda a big day. *sheepish grin*
NY: I know, I know. Good for you. Goood forrr you. I'm proud of ya.
I swear to little baby jesus she talked to me like a big gay dog and I responded like a big gay dog. I was waiting for her to pat me on the head and give me a treat. We still have interactions like this...I am in serious need of help...
(I would totally wear this is if I were a dog...)
There were two girls that I was friends with at the time, that I heard from other people, were waiting for me to tell them personally. They were actually insulted I hadn't come to them directly to tell them about this big news. As I was walking towards the parking lot they stopped me like two teenage girls meeting Justin Bieber (the real one, not the black Bieber)
Excitable Girl 1: So do you have something to tell us?
Excitable Girl 2: Yeah, something important?
Me: Not really...do you have something for me?
Excitable Girl 1: No, obviously not. Didn't something big happen today?
Excitable Girl 2: Yeah, like really big?
Me: Umm, nope. I got an A on my sociology project...but it wasn't like solving the worlds issues...
Excitable Girl 1: This is ridiculous...JUST SAY IT OUT LOUD!
Excitable Girl 2: YEAH OUT LOUD
Me: Whoa...I...I...I'm....
Excitable Girl 1: Omg just say it, we know! We knew before you did
Excitable Girl 2: Yeah way before, like freshman year
Me: Interesting. I mean if I knew what you are talking about I'd say thats preposterous. Also I dated you Excitable Girl 2. But I guess if I must say it to prove to you, I am gay
Excitable Girl 1: OMG THIS IS AMAZINGGGG I ALWAYS WANTED A GAY BEST FRIEND!!!
Excitable Girl 2: Yeah me too!
I never really hung out with either girl after that. I gained a lot of girl friends right after I came out because, at the time, Will & Grace was huge and everyone wanted to find their Will. I fell for it, but after a bit most people fell off the grid and I realized I was fully capable of being more then a gay best friend.
My parents probably have had the best reaction any parents could have had. We hugged, we cried, we told each other that we loved each other. It was beautiful. They also told me they had no idea that I was gay. This. Was. A. Lie. Over the last 7.5 years since I came out they randomly come at me with different ways they knew I was gay.
Mother: You know, the first time I thought you might be gay was when you were 4.
Me: Thats poppycock! I didn't even know I was gay then. You are a ridiculous woman.
(That's actually how I talk to her. I am an extremely stereotypical gay man when it comes to mi madre, we are besties. ughhh so gay)
Mother: It was right around Christmas, which has always been your favorite.
Me: I mean lots of children love Christmas. So what if I still obsess about it. Get on with your point you cray cray lady.
Mother: You wrote a letter to Santa that read a little like this.
Dear Santa,
I have been a really good boy this year and I wanted to thank you for all the things you gave me last year. If I could have a few of the things off my list I would like that, thank you.
1. A teddy bear
2. GI Joes
3. Batman toys
4. Captain Planet toys
5. other crap (there were others on the list. I didnt say crap at 4)
Love,
Fabulously Lost
P.S. can I have FLOWERS for my room
Me: Wait...I asked for flowers for my room at 4 years old.
Mother: Yes, that was my first inkling you might be gay
Me: Touche Mother, touche...you've won this round
That is a pretty flamming thing to do, right? I mean how many of you asked for flowers for your room? What this proves to me is that even at 4 I knew what looked good it my room. I was a fabulous 4 year old. Ahhh to be young again.
My father and my brothers often like to bring up the big give away to them that I was gay. I was in middle school, it was the late '90s and I made some major mistakes as a kid. What I am going to admit to you now is something I have tried to keep quiet for a long time. I have hushed my family from discussing it in public and I try with every fiber in my body to erase the memory of this from my head, but here it goes.
In 1998 I got my first CD for my birthday. It was the Britney Spears critically acclaimed debut CD, Hit Me Baby One More Time. Now this, in itself, is a fairly gay thing to have as your first CD because, even then, Brit Brit was a bit of an icon for ze gays. (Did you see what I did there, I gave her a nickname like we are old friends....ahh to be friends with Britto!...I know I am seeking help) This wasn't the gayest thing I have ever done though. I became obsessed with this CD and with Brit, I listened to it all the time and made my parents play it in the car. I knew every single word on the CD and sang like I had a multi-album deal with Jive Records. (yes I know the recording company she was signed with back in the day. Shut up..)
Again, while gay, thats not the gayest thing I ever did. Somewhere around the middle of my 6th grade year I decided that I needed to take my love of Britney to the next level. I needed to display my feelings for Britney in my room for all to see (because I was having so many sleepovers back then...HA...). I began getting magazines like J-14 and Teen Bop and started cutting out pictures of Britney. Once I finally had enough photos I took thumbtacks and put them above my bed. I built a shrine to Britney for me to sleep under every night.
(this isnt my wall...but its eerily close to what I had)
I had this up for most of my middle school career before I got to h.s. and realized how homosexual it was and took it down. I wanted people to see my room and not think that I was gay (because I was having so many sleepovers...HA...#noguyfriends2000) There is a photo that exists somewhere of this and I hope it stays buried with all of my other broken dreams.
Looking back on it, its almost appalling to think about how gay I was as a child. I did many things that were fairly flaming for a child.
1. I had an imaginary friend named Penny.(Yes I did resort to imaginary friends, and I was quite popular in the imaginary world.) She was Inspector Gadget's sidekick. I was fake friends with his SIDEKICK but not him. Why? Because she was pretty and a girl
2. I was always Princess Peach when I played just about any video game (Super Mario Cart was the shizznat) with my brothers. I would pretend like she was the only logical choice for what I was trying to accomplish.
3. I enjoyed going over to my cousins house and playing with her Barbies because I didn't have any at my house. She now goes to Indiana and probably doesn't remember playing Barbies with me, but I pretended like I was just being a good older cousin...I just liked playing with their hair
4. I used to brush my babysitters hair. Other kids played with toys and video games when their babysitter was over...I brushed her hair.
5. I HAD A MOTHER EFFIN' BRITNEY SPEARS WALL...nuff said
Needless to say, there were many things that contribute to me being the fabulous rainbow loving man I am today. I will periodically share with you some of my more embarrassing tails of being a homosexual child...for now I think I have scarred you enough.
Fabulously Lost: Gay since birth
Singledom: Not such a secret
Britney Spears: Still obsessed...just no shrine
I think you should rebuild the shrine... lol
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