Ok, so it seems like I am always telling you guys that my life is hectic and I don't have enough time and blah, blah, blah. But....its reality...so stop judging me! In the last couple of weeks I have been all over the east coast visiting people (because I love forcing people to have to deal with me for several days in a row. Center. Of. Attention.) But now I am taking my travels abroad. I am leaving today to go to....
(for those who aren't as in to flags as me...) BRAZIL
My life is all sorts of unreal. I am going for 5 days with work and I am leaving today. I have known for a little bit about it but I didn't receive my visa until late last week. (Thanks Brazilian Consulate. Your people were just LOVELY to deal with). Anywhoz, I have been rushing around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get things together.
Before I left I wanted to leave you with a few quick things that have been going on in my life, just so you know I am still a mess and this may be the only fabulous thing that is going to happen for a bit.
1. Philly
Last weekend I went to Philly for a night to see some old high school friends and party it up. As I have been able to do recently, I slyly convinced them to go to Woody's, a gay bar/club, to dance it up and oogle at beautiful men. I had no intentions of meeting anyone that night I just wanted a night out with a couple of old friends. Well, because girls seem inept at peeing without someone holding their hair or something, they left me alone on the dance floor to wait for them and I met a random attractive man. Our conversation went from normal to creepy in about 45 seconds.
Philly Man: Hey handsome, are those two ladies with you or withhh you?
Me: Well, if I understand your middle school speak, I would say they are just with me. I am unable to be withhhh girls. I'm allergic to vagina. Sad but true.
Philly Man: Haha you are really funny. *puts hand on the small of my back and guides me closer to him*
Philly Man: So why are you all alone?
Me: I am from out of town, just visiting for the night. Why are you all alone?
Philly Man: So I don't feel obligated to stay with friends. I can go home with anyone *Winks* *Puts hand down the back of my pants and pats my ass*
Me: Well, after that kind offer and violation of all things that belong to me I am going to go vomit and hope to forget what you just did.
FACTS: What the fuck Philly? Where did you produce this man from. Now, I have never claimed to be a classy lady, but I also save any "under the clothing action" for places that aren't swarming with sweaty men and women.
(Wanna come hang in my basement?)
2. Driving Blows
My car has recently decided it is going to slowly fall apart and cost me an arm and a leg to fix. This has led me to decide to move to DC and give up driving by the end of the year. (I am not kidding. Sorry Baltimore...we'll break up in a later post). In the mean time I have decided to try and curb my angry driving and I have taken on a new way of cursing people out.
Recently I was driving through the outskirts of DC and a woman blatantly stopped following the rules of the road and I kindly honked at her to let her know of her mishaps. She decided to go in an all out screaming match with herself (I don't think she realized I couldn't hear her, nor was I in the car with her. Silly girls). So I followed her for a bit (because we were going the same way....not cause I'm a creeper! JEEZ people), until she finally needed to turn down a different road and I pulled up beside her.
Crazy Banshee Driver: WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE HONKING AT ME ASSHOLE. I FUCKING HATE YOUR ASS.
Me: I really don't think you should hold that much hate in your heart. I also hope you get so many speeding tickets your car is taken away from you.
Crazy Banshee Driver: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY? DID YOU THREATEN ME?
Me: No, I just wished bodily harm on your wallet and bank account, as well as, hoping your car would be repossessed by the state due to your inability to pay your tickets.
Crazy Banshee Driver: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU ARE FUCKING SAYING. YOU'RE A FUCKIN' FRUITY DICKBAG.
The light then changed and I felt I had accomplished a lot. See, when I was 16/17 and someone would've done that, I would've wished that their tires blew out or they would get into a minor car accident. I decided recently that it's bad for my juju, so now I just wish that they get lots of speeding tickets and get in trouble for that! (LOOK MA, I'm growing up!)
(this man is not finding his inner zen...)
3. When I get back from Brazil, I am supposed to go on a date with a Middle School Art Teacher. Now....I felt like it was a good idea to message back and forth with this man a week or so ago after I had finished a bottle of wine and was feeling lonely. As the week has progressed I am starting to feel like he is....just too....well...he is too wholesome? He doesn't really drink. (How are we supposed to do boozy brunches and go out dancing...and be happy?) He lives in a suburb and really enjoys it. (I just..who does that to themselves at 24??) He teaches children and seems like a do-gooder. (I am really only a good person when the weather is right and the moon is full. I pretend the rest of the time)
I just have so many concerns and I feel like I need advice. Do I go out with him and see what this settled down lifestyle is like? Do I try dating a white, teacher, who loves the 'burbs and talking about art? IS THIS THE RIGHT PATH FOR ME?
Alright friends, I have to head off to the land of Brazilian Nuts and Brazilian Waxes. (Hopefully I find more of the nuts. *WINK, WINK, NUDGE, NUDGE* Get it??? #dirtyjokes). Hopefully I will come back with a story or two for you. Mama Fabulous wants me to bring home a nice, attractive Brazilian man and not a story. She wants me to try being classy while I'm down there. SHE DOESN'T KNOW ME.
Fabulously Lost: Losing it in South America.
Philly: Creepy McCreepson needs to be exiled
Banshee Drivers: Watch out, I have some strong words for you
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