What is my life?

Ok, so it seems like I am always telling you guys that my life is hectic and I don't have enough time and blah, blah, blah. But....its reality...so stop judging me! In the last couple of weeks I have been all over the east coast visiting people (because I love forcing people to have to deal with me for several days in a row. Center. Of. Attention.) But now I am taking my travels abroad. I am leaving today to go to....

(for those who aren't as in to flags as me...) BRAZIL

My life is all sorts of unreal. I am going for 5 days with work and I am leaving today. I have known for a little bit about it but I didn't receive my visa until late last week. (Thanks Brazilian Consulate. Your people were just LOVELY to deal with). Anywhoz, I have been rushing around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get things together. 

Before I left I wanted to leave you with a few quick things that have been going on in my life, just so you know I am still a mess and this may be the only fabulous thing that is going to happen for a bit. 

1. Philly

         Last weekend I went to Philly for a night to see some old high school friends and party it up. As I have been able to do recently, I slyly convinced them to go to Woody's, a gay bar/club, to dance it up and oogle at beautiful men. I had no intentions of meeting anyone that night I just wanted a night out with a couple of old friends. Well, because girls seem inept at peeing without someone holding their hair or something, they left me alone on the dance floor to wait for them and I met a random attractive man. Our conversation went from normal to creepy in about 45 seconds. 

Philly Man: Hey handsome, are those two ladies with you or withhh you?

Me: Well, if I understand your middle school speak, I would say they are just with me. I am unable to be withhhh girls. I'm allergic to vagina. Sad but true.

Philly Man: Haha you are really funny. *puts hand on the small of my back and guides me closer to him*

Philly Man: So why are you all alone?

Me: I am from out of town, just visiting for the night. Why are you all alone?

Philly Man: So I don't feel obligated to stay with friends. I can go home with anyone *Winks* *Puts hand down the back of my pants and pats my ass*

Me: Well, after that kind offer and violation of all things that belong to me I am going to go vomit and hope to forget what you just did. 

FACTS: What the fuck Philly? Where did you produce this man from. Now, I have never claimed to be a classy lady, but I also save any "under the clothing action" for places that aren't swarming with sweaty men and women. 

(Wanna come hang in my basement?)

2. Driving Blows

         My car has recently decided it is going to slowly fall apart and cost me an arm and a leg to fix. This has led me to decide to move to DC and give up driving by the end of the year. (I am not kidding. Sorry Baltimore...we'll break up in a later post). In the mean time I have decided to try and curb my angry driving and I have taken on a new way of cursing people out. 

Recently I was driving through the outskirts of DC and a woman blatantly stopped following the rules of the road and I kindly honked at her to let her know of her mishaps. She decided to go in an all out screaming match with herself (I don't think she realized I couldn't hear her, nor was I in the car with her. Silly girls). So I followed her for a bit (because we were going the same way....not cause I'm a creeper! JEEZ people), until she finally needed to turn down a different road and I pulled up beside her. 

Crazy Banshee Driver: WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE HONKING AT ME ASSHOLE. I FUCKING HATE YOUR ASS. 

Me: I really don't think you should hold that much hate in your heart. I also hope you get so many speeding tickets your car is taken away from you.

Crazy Banshee Driver: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY? DID YOU THREATEN ME?

Me: No, I just wished bodily harm on your wallet and bank account, as well as, hoping your car would be repossessed by the state due to your inability to pay your tickets. 

Crazy Banshee Driver: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU ARE FUCKING SAYING. YOU'RE A FUCKIN' FRUITY DICKBAG. 

The light then changed and I felt I had accomplished a lot. See, when I was 16/17 and someone would've done that, I would've wished that their tires blew out or they would get into a minor car accident. I decided recently that it's bad for my juju, so now I just wish that they get lots of speeding tickets and get in trouble for that! (LOOK MA, I'm growing up!)

(this man is not finding his inner zen...)

3. When I get back from Brazil, I am supposed to go on a date with a Middle School Art Teacher. Now....I felt like it was a good idea to message back and forth with this man a week or so ago after I had finished a bottle of wine and was feeling lonely. As the week has progressed I am starting to feel like he is....just too....well...he is too wholesome? He doesn't really drink. (How are we supposed to do boozy brunches and go out dancing...and be happy?) He lives in a suburb and really enjoys it. (I just..who does that to themselves at 24??) He teaches children and seems like a do-gooder. (I am really only a good person when the weather is right and the moon is full. I pretend the rest of the time)

I just have so many concerns and I feel like I need advice. Do I go out with him and see what this settled down lifestyle is like? Do I try dating a white, teacher, who loves the 'burbs and talking about art? IS THIS THE RIGHT PATH FOR ME?

Alright friends, I have to head off to the land of Brazilian Nuts and Brazilian Waxes. (Hopefully I find more of the nuts. *WINK, WINK, NUDGE, NUDGE* Get it??? #dirtyjokes). Hopefully I will come back with a story or two for you. Mama Fabulous wants me to bring home a nice, attractive Brazilian man and not a story. She wants me to try being classy while I'm down there. SHE DOESN'T KNOW ME.

Fabulously Lost: Losing it in South America. 

Philly: Creepy McCreepson needs to be exiled 

Banshee Drivers: Watch out, I have some strong words for you

My attempt at being mysterious...

I hope all of my single friends have had a lovely holiday so far. My coupled friends....suck it, go cry on the shoulder of your sig other. This holiday was splendid for me, spent it at my parents house, but was readily aware of my lack of a love life when I found myself sitting sandwiched between Padre and Madre while watching Love Actually . Now for those of you who haven't seen this movie, I am not going to explain anything about this movie...you should be able to get the jist of it from the damn title, and if you don't we have issues. As I sat there watching these increasingly sappy love stories I began to think back to my love life over the last year. There is one person that seems to come up quite often in my group of friends and has even become an anecdote for people to tell at dinner parties. (Cue the sound of my self esteem both rising and falling at the same time. Wrap your head around how THAT happens).

I began going to the gay clubs and bars frequently back in Jan. 2011 when I began hanging out with gay friends on a regular basis. It was new and wonderful and full of dancing sweaty men who just wanted to belt out Lady Gaga and Britney Spears without being looked at like they were fulfilling any of the stereotypes they actually were almost always fulfilling.  I began to slowly fall in love with this world while in Baltimore, but it wasn't until I went to Philly on a random weekend with gay friends that I realllllly fell in love. 

I drove up to Philly with gay bffl (best friend for life, duh loser) and sang Britney Spears and Beyonce (cahm ahnnnn we arent that gay. You can only sing Britney Spears OR Lady Gaga when not at the club. Read the rule book. No need to out gay the cars next to you.). Pulling into Philly was magical and it seemed like a brand new playground for me. I literally couldn't wait to go see the Gayborhood and all the fun things Philly had in store for me. 

We checked into our hotel and proceeded to get schwasted with a group of gays who I'm pretty sure judged me the whole time and I generally had a terrible time that first night. My dreams dashed against the liberty bell I woke up with an inexplicable urge to go to a sports bar and hangout with straight people to balance the cattiness from the evening before. Once I was finished being a drama queen and the gay bffl was done being a drama queen, I realized going to a straight sports bar meant I would have to actually watch sports and the men there wouldn't be interested in me (or would they be? *WINK, WINK* get it...did ya see what I did there? "straight" = fun game! JK lolzzzzz)

Anywayz we spent the entire day walking around the city scopin' peoplez out and deciding what debauchery we were going to get into when our lesbian friends came for the second night. I couldn't wait for them to arrive and our glittery night adventures to begin!  (All good night adventures with the gays involve glitter. I'm pretty sure Ke$ha is just a gay man posing as a woman.) I got shnazzed up in my normal black attire (It's slimming. Im not gothic. I promise. I like colors. ughhh I knew you would make this awkward. I wear more color now, ok??). We had a couple drinks before we left for the club with the ladies. The first place we went was fine and ok...nothing to write home about, it was really the second place that changed the game. 

We walked into Voyeur and there was a magnificently large circular stage in the center of the room with men, upon men, upon men packed on it. My first thought was "Aww hellz naw Im not getting up there. Those crazy queens!" Much to my shock and awe, my gay bffl responded to my "thought" by telling me he had no doubt I would be up there at some point in the night. (Apparently in my drunk state, my thoughts became word vomit that I felt necessary to spew onto my group. Damn you Drunk M., damn you). We made our way up to the second floor of the club, which overlooked the entire first floor, and got a couple of drinks. As we stood up there....Beyonce's "Run the World (Girls)" came on....

Gay Bffl and I ran down stairs as if Judy Garland herself had strolled in ready to hand out the Queen-iest  of Queens award, and we had been called for first place. We began dancing like maniacs and trying to replicate the music video we had memorized the weekend prior. While down there on the floor I looked up at the stage and there was this dark figure walking towards the edge of the stage. He looks at me, I look at him and he points. I turn and search in the crowd to see what he is pointing at before I realize it is me. I slowly walk to the stage as if I am on a runway, trying to remember what Tyra had taught me on ANTM, and he pulls me up to dance with him. I rock the crap out of the stage and out of this attractive black man. As we begin to mack it on stage, my friends begin to hoot and holler like banshees. Embarrassed by this....I continued to mack for a few more minutes and dance. THEN I got off the stage. 

Several moments later we repeated the entire process above.  Point. Dance. Mack. Hoot. Holler. ROCK his mother effin' world. While I was up there dancing with him we had a very short exchange that went like this. 

Him: Why you so sexy?

Me: *silence, unsure how to answer perplexing question*

Him: Sexy, My name is Stephen

Me: Thats a nice name. My uncles name is Stephen. (Whaaaaaat? WHAAAT? MY UNCLE? who the HELL brings up there Uncle as they are dirty dancing with a man on stage? *winces at memory*)

Him: Uhh thats cool. Whats your name?

Me: *Winks* Thats for me to know and for you to find out? *Winks again, continues to dance and mack it*

Can we discuss for a moment my last sentence. Thats for me to know and for you to find out. Ummm YO....he was trying to find out and you thought you were being sexy and mysterious. Nope, sorry about it you were just mind boggling and confusing. In my drunk state I figured that the sexiest thing I could do would be to NOT tell this person my name, which explains my singledom. Stephen and I could of had a lovely drunk convo that turned into breakfast, that turned into spending weekends at each others homes, that could've turned into vacationing with the parents, getting proposed to and being married in front of the Liberty Bell. But we will never know because I didn't tell him my name. 

To this day I get random text messages from people that say "Why you so sexy" or friends who will ask about how Stephen is doing. Any possibility of a future with this dark finger pointing figure has gone out the door and down the drain. PSA for the kiddies: Mysterious only works in the movies. 

Internet Dating: 4

Fabulously Lost: 0

Philly: Pretty damn good...they have lots of gays.