Birthday Celebrations: Cops, Drunks, and Brunches

Real talk: You know how you sometimes hear about how hysterical a celebrity was on a talk show the night before or one of the blogs you read links you to a youtube link of a late night interview? (Shhh just go with me...it will feel right soon) Then you get to that link and you see like 100,000+ lame people have watched that video before this link was EVER posted in one of these articles, right? And you sit back and say "Man, what loser sat here and watched interviews of celebs?" WELP...you're looking at one of those losers.

(When I first watched this clip there were only 265, 345 views. Don't you worry your pretty little heads, I was also view 266, 226. THE CONTENT DIDNT EVEN CHANGE)

That's right guys, to avoid doing whatever mundane task has been put in front of me, from cleaning my room to finishing a report, I somehow get wrapped up into watching these clips...FOR HOURS. I don't understand it at all. It baffles me when I look at the clock, and it's 1a.m. and I've just lost 3hrs of my life watching every single one of Amy Poehler's interviews since she became an actress. (She has had QUITE the life).

As riveting as my Youtube skills must be to you, I actually have a story to tell you about my life. (That sentence had every intention of sounding, both, self-deprecating and vain at the same time. #win). This little diddy is more of an ongoing saga related to my life in birthdays!

(Someone wasn't hugged very much)

My birthdays have been fairly run of the mill days in the past. The actual day of my birth seems to range from terrible to fairly lame and then the parties I have tend to be where I truly get to celebrate a day about me. (You felt bad for a minute and then you were all like "Dayyyum Fab. Calm down. So vain") Just a couple examples: 

1. 16th Birthday: No one remembered. Like no joke...I was Molly Ringwald in the '80s except there was no cute boy sitting on a table with cake at the end of the day. (Another failed expectation brought on by movies). But then the weekend after a friend had a party for me to make up for it. 
2. 18th Birthday: All of my friends were away at college and I was working a full time job and going to community college. I spent my birthday helping people buy chocolates for their loved ones at Godiva. There was no party that year...
3. 23rd Birthday: I worked late and then came home and had a frozen dinner. Then had an epic party....one people still talk about....

Last year my birthday was on a Tuesday and there wasn't too much anyone could do. I decided to throw myself a little get together with some of my close friends from high school, college, work, and just general Baltimore friends. What this also meant was that I was going to be combining Gay Friendz and Straight Friendz. Now, if you remember, for the longest time I was the anti-gay gay and when I came into my own with Gay Friendz, I had always just kept the two worlds apart. My worlds were going to collide big time because I was not only going to throw this party for myself, but we were all going to the gay bar once we were liquored up. 

(Like...it doesn't make sense but it feels right. WORLDS COLLIDE. Also in this pic..Straight Friendz get stuck with Miley. Party in the USA?)

Ok, ok, so thats not where it gets juicy. The party itself goes of swell and we all head to the gay bar. In the group of Straight Friendz there were several dudes who were going to a gay bar for the first time and they ended up loving the music and the dance-y techno-ishness of it all. We had a blast, that is, until I got a call from one of my friends, who left early, told me my front door was completely broken and no one could get in...not even with the key. Oh, and it was now raining. 

(It was going sooo welllllll. fuck.)

I ended up jumping in a cab with the rest of the friends who were staying at my place and heading back to my house. When I got home, I noticed a screw driver sticking out of the door where my roommate had tried to break into our house. Luckily for us, because it had been so warm in my place we had left the kitchen windows open and were were able to hoist a tiny friend in who just opened the backdoor of our house. I decided in my drunken state that the best thing to do would be to deal with this in the morning and not whilst on a buzzed high. 

We all began getting ready to go to sleep and recapping the awesome night when I get a knock on the front door. I make my way to the front of the house and looked out the window to see FOUR cop cars and EIGHT cops all pointing guns at the front of my house. 

Cop 1: OPEN THE DOOR.

Me: *Standing at window* Hello officer, I cannot open the door, it is broken.

Cop 1: YOU HAVE TO OPEN THE DOOR NOW.

Me: Yes, I understand, but I can't because the door is broken...the back door works fine if you'd like to come in from there.

Cop 1: WE CANNOT DO THAT. IF YOU DON'T OPEN THE DOOR I WILL BREAK IT DOWN.

Me: Well, I don't think thats necessary, I've given you a perfectly good seco...

Cop 1: ON THE COUNT OF THREE....1.....2.....3

And then he literally busted my door down. I had 14 friends staying over my townhouse that night and they were all standing in shock as this door flew open and all the cops stood there looking at us. Lights were flashing and everyone was just confused about what was going on. 

You see, apparently when my roommate tried to break into the house our neighbors decided to call the cops. The cops honestly believed they were walking into a house that was in the process of being burglarized. Much to all EIGHT cops chagrin, when the door flung open all they got was a glimpse of a bunch of drunk kids in pj's awkwardly cramming into a townhouse. All parties were fairly annoyed/disappointed and the cop fixed the door the best he could. My landlord was pissssed. He was also a douchebag so I was kinda okay with the inconvenience this put on him. 

So, you see, when you come off an epic birthday like that there aren't many ways you can top it in the shock and awe department. I decided this year, for my 24th birthday, I wanted a low-key celebration with friends. The actual day of my birthday was perfectly spent with my parents having dinner and getting gifts. I just wanted a calm birthday this  year all around. Nothing too crazy or wild because I am entering my mid-twenties and I want to be a respectable member of society. I decided that all I wanted to do for my birthday was go to a bottomless Boozy Brunch with some of my good friends. 

(This is far too classy. I usually drink out of plastic cups)

You see, there is nothing more I enjoy in life than a good brunch with bottomless drinks. How can you go wrong with a casual day drink on a Sunday to start your week right? I have been brunching in DC for over a year at this point and have had some fabulous experiences. Though, in recent times, I have really been enjoying the brunch at Local 16, so I have been frequenting it more weeks than not. They make the fatal mistake of combining Facebook, Bottomless Drinks, and Attractive Men. You see, if you "like" them on FB you get an entree and the bottomless drinks for $18 (Excuusseee me? Ugh Birthday on a Budget). To top it all off there always seem to be copious amounts of gay men scattered around the restaurant..triple win. (Did you see how many times I mentioned tops and bottoms in this paragraph? #sexualfriday #celibacy2012)

Things at my boozy birthday brunch started off so splendidly. Everyone showed up close to on-time and I had a 20 something people there. Drinks were flowing and friends were laughing and it was a grand time. I was trying to make it a point of walking around and talking to everyone, but that also meant I wasn't really eating. (Brunch Rule #1: Eat to ensure longevity in the day) There was also another person who wasn't really eating and that was my good friend One Direction, or 1D. (You may remember him as Daddy Raids from previous posts...but I decided a nickname change was in order. A colleague of ours called him One Direction during a drunken night and I loled my pants off. Not really...because its #celibacy2012)

(Ugh, if only Mr. T had been there to tell us to not be Fools.)

Next to my group of preppy brunching friends a group of attractive black gays and lesbians sat down. (It's like God said "Today is your birthday Fab, have good one". You too G-man, you too) I was staring at them and commenting with my black female twin and deciding which one was God's actual gift to me for the day. Our waiter, an adorable gay man, is a friend of mine and decided to slowly turn the music up louder and louder. And then it happened. Wobble Baby came on and all hell broke loose. Members of my brunch group got up and started dancing with members of the attractive black brunch. It was a dream come true...we turned a normal boozy brunch into a club. 

Shit got weird then...and also a little hazy. I might've had a dance off with someone who was a much better dancer than me. And by "might have" I mean I did. I dropped it low in front of all of my friends, all of the much better dancers, and the entire restaurant. Now, I can't say this for sure, but I am 90% sure that I lost that battle. Horribly. (I'm 100% sure of that, actually. #familyshame) I also danced with a very butch lesbian for awhile...I think I was mildly attracted to her. She pulled off butch very well. It was very confusing. (Ughhh I don't wanna talk about it. Am I bi? WHO AM I? hahaha jk lolz I like the wang-a-lang.)

After I had embarrassed myself enough, some of us decided that 4+hrs of drinking mimosas like they were going extinct wasn't enough. We (Read also: Me, myself, and I) decided to go to Nellies, everybody's favorite gay sports bar. They have rooftop drinking and it was gorgeous out. The issue is...at some point on the walk from Local 16 to Nellies I begin to lose my memories (Read also: Mimosas got the best of me). You know, cause its classy to drink away your memories at 2 in the afternoon on a SUNDAY. 

(I really don't wonder why I am single anymore. You shouldn't either Lilo)

I decide to come out of my hazy time traveling state near the end of our stay at Nellies in time to save One Direction from being escorted off by a gentleman caller. You see, One Direction is very straight but he was also very black out. When I stopped this gentleman from taking 1D into his cab...shit got real. Like rullll real. (All I can remember is that this guy was wearing Teal Cutoffs...so that shall be his name)

Teal Cutoffs: Honey, you need to back off, he is coming home with me. 

Me: Ugh, no he isn't. He doesn't even know his name...do you even know his name?

Teal Cutoffs: I don't need to know his name. 

Me: As classy as that is, he isn't going home with you. He isn't even gay.

Teal Cutoffs: Um, he can make that choice. 

Me: He does...on the reg. Just go back inside and find yourself some new blacked out person to trick home. 

Teal Cutoffs: Bitch, YOU NEED TO STOP BEING IN LOVE WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND

Me: Holy fuck, was the yelling necessary. I am not in love with him...Im just saving him from your creepy ass. Watch this...Hey One Direction, do you wanna go home with me?

One Direction: Yes.

Me: Ok, now your turn. Ask 1D.

Teal Cutoffs: Don't you wanna come home with me?

One Direction: Yes. 

Me: SEE....all he heard from that was "home." We are leaving now

And then that skank-a-licious queened up hooker had the audacity to come up behind me as we were walking to the cab and SHOVE me with all his girlie powers. 

(I know, right Obama?)

I don't do well with this. I am the nicest person in the world until you cross me or try and fight me. See in college people would say crap to me at the bars or at parties for being gay and didn't think I would do anything about it. But, here's the thing, I have no problem punching back, like noooo problem at all. So I spun around and with every fiber in body I shoved this over-sexed man. He stumbled back in complete and utter shock.

Teal Cutoffs: Whoaaa. YOU WANNA GO?

Me: NO! You shoved me. Go back inside and find some helpless twink. And don't touch me again...I don't need any STD's today. 

Now, I understand that doesn't make sense because touching doesn't get you STD's, but I was trying to spew venom and I was still intoxicated. We eventually made it back to One Directions place and then I blacked out again and don't remember much until the next morning. Monday was one of the worst days of work ever, but I had an AMAZING Boozy Birthday Brunch so it was all worth it in the end. 

Cops: Busting Pajama Parties in a neighborhood near yours.

Boozy Brunch: The best thing since...actually its better than sliced bread. Its just the best

Fabulously Lost: Convict, Fighter, Protector: The next Liam Neeson

My 5 Hour Boyfriend...

When we were younger my brothers and I got along fairly well with our parents as well as each other. Our parents were fairly liberal in the sense that we were allowed to date pretty much whenever we wanted (Heathens! Its why I'm gay now...I dated too many girls too early on. Used up all my heterosexuality by the time I was 7. Hookin' knows no age) My older brother famously always had a girlfriend from the time we were young up until he met his current girlfriend (They've been together a bajillion years at this point. When I was 18 I talked to him about how I wasn't comfortable with his dating her so seriously because I had commitment issues. Everything is about me obviously)

He had, what I would like to think is, the shortest relationship in the history of relationships when we were in middle school. He dated a girl from 1st period - the bus ride home. I'm sure it stung, but I topped his short relationship on a recent evening out with a gentleman. This is a story of the time I had a beginning, middle, and end of a relationship within the span of 5 hours.

I'm sure you can tell there is a certain pattern I go through before I go on a date with someone. We message, I fall in love, we meet and I fall out of love and onto my face, much like when Lucy pulls the football out right before Charlie Brown kicks it.

Every once in a while I go on a date purely out of self pity and I am not terribly into the person. Its like when you pity sleep with someone because you don't want to sleep alone and you also know they are super into you so you feel better about yourself. You do that right? That's...like...a thing, right? Well anyways, I decided to meet up with this guy for dinner and drinks in the hopes of having a little company and maybe a free dinner.

We met at a little place in Fells Point for dinner and then planned to go to drinks at one of the surrounding bars. When I arrived at dinner he was already sitting there and I was mildly impressed because he  seemed more attractive than his pictures. This is where my crazy started setting in. I hadn't planned on it coming to dinner...I thought I was stronger than it this time around. I had decided to go on this date just for attention. He was supposed to be crazy...not me. Hot damnnnn this isn't going to be pretty for anyone. 


When I say crazy showed up, I mean that I let my mind wander to the things I always tell it not to wander to. I'm the type of person who always says that I want to be dropped into the middle of the relationship. I will gladly forgo all of the dating formalities and would like to find myself with someone, sitting on our couch, quietly bickering over whether to watch "The Bachelor" or "Real Housewives of Atlanta" (Cahmm ahhnnn who doesn't watch those hot tranny messes. And when I say Tranny I am looking at you NeNe). So when I saw this guy I started planning how we were going to afford a three bedroom house and two car payments on our salaries. THAT'S the type of crazy I am talking about.

Rico Suave seemed to feel the same way about me too. When we sat down we started bonding over the most random things and deciding it was fate.

Rico Suave: What kind of music do you listen to?
Me: Right now my obsession is Adele but I also really like Maroon 5.
Rico Suave: OMG me too! She is fierce and Adam Levine is just hot
Me: *Mouth agape* Are you kidding?? We are on the same page? Perfect!

Now I don't mean to burst past "Me's" little bubble but I haven't met a gay man yet who hasn't really enjoyed Adele's depressing album or who hasn't noticed that Adam Levine is one of the most lick-able men out there. (Yup I did just say lick-able, and I stand by it. I would if I could and you would too) This isn't exactly something to write home about in the grand scheme of things, but I did start thinking about how we could dance around to Maroon 5 in our Calvin Klein underwear (I have a very specific dream, down to underwear....)on Saturdays and then we could cry to Adele on Sunday evenings when the weekend was over.

Rico Suave and I talked for a really long time and then things got serious. He started talking about kids and how many he wanted and what he wanted to name them and where he wanted to raise them and what kind of house he wanted for them and...and...WHOA. I was slapped in the face with my own mental craziness. Rico Suave had this fire in his eyes that I was becoming panicked over. Was this really someone I could be with forever? How could he want to name his child Daisy? What kind of monster is he?


After I took a couple breaths and got over the name debacle of 2011, I rejoined the date with vigor and tried to build off of his excitement. He then stated how he was ready to have a boyfriend, which is something I am on board with. I basically decided we were now boyfriends and I'm pretty sure he did as well. Mind you, this was all before our crab dip had arrived. (Haha single people! I have mastered a relationship in the matter of an hour! Suck it bitchesss) 

We were holding hands across the table and the waitress gave us the "Omgz, you guys are a gay couple! loves it! I'm such a Grace" look when she finally brought over our crab dip. Then we started to disagree on things like what to get for dinner and if we were going to share. It was a little bickering but not too much. (This is normal right? You start dating after 45min and then you start to bicker like a married couple?) We decided to just get different things and then bond over dessert, which I would let him choose since I am not a big dessert person. I'm such a nice person...I know.

We decided to go to Central for drinks after dinner since we both had friends there. This is where things become a little hazy between what is normal and what isn't normal for a first date. (I know, I know...starting a relationship an hour after meeting someone...kinda a little Kardashian and the epitome of abnormal! But hey...neediness does wonders on your self worth.) When we got there I made an immediate beeline for my friends in their normal spot, which is where Rico Suave began to show his jealous side.

Rico Suave: Baby, who are these men? Why are you talking to them.
Me: Ummm remember when we said we were meeting our friends here? These are what I like to call my friends.
Rico Suave: As long as you didn't plan a second date for the evening with one of these men. 


HA! I like that he thinks I could plan two dates in one evening...that's saying OkCupid has produced  two solid dates to fill one evening. Also...why would I waste two dates on one night, spread that shizzz out. ALSO, I am not that clever...I am many things but smooth enough to pull off two dates in one evening is not something I could do without looking like I was attempting to be part of the Three Stooges.

About an hour later, and three Belvedere and Waters deep (don't judge me...I like to hydrate myself as I get intoxicated. BOOM, logic), I started dancing like Shakira with Rico Suave. One of my friends decided we should all dance together and things got c-c-crrrrazy, with Rico Suave storming off and me following him outside.

Rico Suave: You are on another date with him aren't you. How could you do this to me? We were doing so well after our last fight. 
Me: No..I swear! He is just a friend, the other guy is his boyfriend!
Rico Suave: I don't know what to believe anymore. I feel like I don't know you anymore. 
Me: Well, to be fair this is our first date...
Rico Suave: There you go making jokes at my expense


Drunk me decided it was time to go home. Even in my glorious haze of alcohol, I knew maybe the time for the date to be over was now. I realized that our relationship had played its course...we were only meant to be together 5 hours. Rico Suave drove me home (he was sober, which makes the above exchanges that much weirder. even for me...) As he dropped me off he officially broke up with me.

Rico Suave: I think we should see other people. We could have been great...


I got out of the car and realized that I had just been out crazy-ed. How is this a real situation? Why do I always find myself in these situations. We cycled through an entire relationship and I was exhausted. I took a couple weeks off from going out on dates to breathe. I needed to mourn our relationship.

Internet Dating: 7.5
Fabulously Lost: .5 (that sort of counts as a win, right?)
Shakira: 2
Water: Solid mixer, good for combating hangover