Valentines Shmalentines

So I am sitting here the night before Valentine's Day listening to Jay Brannan and Adele with lit candles, thinking about whether or not to cancel on this guy for our date later this week. For those of you who don't know who Jay is, you are missing out on some depressingly sad songs about gay male relationships. Lezz-be-ahnist, what screams desperate and tortured like sitting alone in your cold apartment, listening to a mix of depressing and slightly more depressing music, with your off brand candles from Target.

I am most definitely one of those people who hates Valentine's Day, PDA, cute couple names, Facebook official relationships, and photos of people kissing....ONLY when I am not in a relationship. When I have someone I sometimes make sure I am doing all of those things at once (Because how the hell will people know I am happy if they don't see all of it together on Facebook every two hours. YOU know who you are, disgusting relationship people.) So as you can probably tell, I am not with anyone on this fine evening before the holiday based on love, so I am a little bitter.

The one and only Valentines Day where I had a real Valentine  (not one of my girl friends who also happens to be bitter and single and desperate enough to go out with a gay man) was kind of a dud. I was 21 and we went to a crowded restaurant in DC, I bought him tickets to his favorite band and in return I got a replacement earring for the one he helped me lose two nights prior. Romance has always been kind of illusive to me. So it should come as no surprise that in a plea for attention and validation I went on a date the night of the Superbowl, in hopes that we would fall madly in love in one week and then have each other for this fine day. And if you haven't been paying attention...you will realize that didn't happen.

The Thursday before I went to New York I decided to hop on my handy dandy GPS Gaydar device known as Grindr. Thats when I began talking to this friendly fellow who lives close to the gay bars I often make appearances at over the weekend. (Read Also: I immediately decided he was a winner because then I wouldn't have to cab it home after the bars. Slumber Parties to come!!) We chatted on and off over the whole weekend and when I got home he kept trying to get me to meet with him for a drink. I was exhausted and kept pretending that the Superbowl was keeping me at home (HA! I watched Madonna walk around with a walker on stage and I watched the last 45 seconds of the game.  Golden Girls had a marathon on...not my fault). When the game was over I took stock of my life and realized I was never going to meet anyone if my closest ideas of what a good relationship was, was solely based off of Blanche Devereaux's escapades.

So I pulled myself together into a somewhat acceptable form, sprayed cologne on, and made my way down to Central. As I walked in I found Mighty Duck sitting there, and he seemed to be more attractive than I thought he was going to be. (mainly because he was white...and I just don't do white very well.) We sat down and had a drink and kinda hit it off, things were going so well that we ordered a second and third drink. We were talking music and movies and a lot of other surface things. He then asked if I wanted to head back to his apartment to watch a movie. In my cute, but still tipsy, state I decided it would be good to watch something and have the dranks wear off.

When we got back to Mighty Ducks apartment we made a beeline for the t.v. (which happened to be in the bedroom...I'm a classy guy). I didn't notice much in the apartment because it was fairly dark, but seemed nice. We put on some crap movie on T.V. and start mackin' it up, not getting too handsy...because a lady doesn't give too much up on the first date. He pulls back a couple minutes in and we have a conversation I will never forget.

Mighty Duck: You are the first guy I am making out with since I broke up with my boyfriend.
Me: *like a total idiot, channeling my inner therapist* Ohh, what happened? Are you okay?

(What? Are you okay? WE were mackin' it on his BED and you asked "Are you okay?" Ok Dr. Buzkill lets see what the therapist finds out...)

Mighty Duck: Yeah, we broke up three weeks ago. He was such a jerk and a total deadbeat. 

Me: Awww, and what makes him a deadbeat and a jerk, Mighty?

Mighty Duck: Well he lives in bumblefuck in a house his parents own and he works in the pool industry. Plus he is old...he is like...31.

Me: Wow, that sounds really familiar for some reason. To be fair, you are 26...31 isn't that old. But hey, thats just me! What does he look like?

Mighty Duck: He is half-black and about 5'10". Omg and I didn't tell you, he has 3 kids, oldest one is 13.

Me: *Sheer terror of realization* Is his name...is it....Grandpa?????

Mighty Duck: Yeah! How did you know??

Yup, thats right....I was on a date with Grandpa's ex-boyfriend. The same boyfriend who Grandpa cheated on, with me, while on the dance floor of Central as I shook my money maker. I was completely mortified at this point and decided I needed to go to the bathroom. As I walked through the living room I  noticed a mannequin with a white suit on it,  but not just any white suit, one that had a jacket straight off of a Britney Spears tour. This jacket had silver chains and rhinestones all over it and it had feathers shooting off the shoulders. (Yes I said feathers, like duck feathers as shoulder pads). With everything else I had just been forced to digest, I decided to ignore this and just go to the bathroom. I gave myself a pep-talk and went back to his side. 

As we sat and talked more, and I sobered up more, I was beginning to notice that the decorations in his apartment were a cross between an old Victorian home and what a 12yr old girl would think an old Victorian room might look like. Mighty Duck then brought up his birthday being that Wednesday. He told me that he was going out Tuesday and Wednesday in Baltimore and DC on Thursday. Then he began talking about Saturday. 

Mighty Duck: Saturday is going to be the major party night! Did you see the gorgeous suit in the living room?

Me: Uhhhh yeah? Kinda hard to miss...its very...Gaga?

Mighty Duck: Omg I love it....I'm wearing it on Saturday to Central!!! I die! 

Me: Wow...don't you think its a bit much for Central? It's a pretty...eccentric costume...

Mighty Duck: Life is better in costume, duh!

That's not true at all. Life isn't better in costume, in fact life is fairly uncomfortable in most costumes. Unless you were picked to wear your pajama's as your costume, life is NOT more fun in costume. Also...how the hell was I supposed to make him my Valentine's date when he is obviously a bit off his rocker? I decided I needed another bathroom break at this point, since I was now completely sober and on a date with Grandpa's ex who also happened to be into dressing in Nicki Minaj's rejected tour costumes. 

When I got into the bathroom I was blinded by 3 major things I had failed to notice before, that could have tipped me off that he was a bit fem cray cray. 

1. In silver and rhinestones above his mirror was the word "GORGEOUS". (It was probably the  most inaptly named sign I had ever seen...)
2. Everything had some sort of pink on it, whether it was bows or pink letters, or just straight up pink accessories. 
3. There was a Coach make-up bag filled with make-up on the counter. He lives alone. He owns a Coach. Make-Up, Bag.

I was over this whole thing so very fast and needed to escape. When I began to open the door I saw this tiny chihuahua out of the corner of my eye. I yelped and then it scurried out of the bathroom. Shivers went down my spine as Mighty Duck yelped,

"O.M.G You let BRUISER out!"

(Yup. Yup. Yup. his dog was named after Legally Blonde)

I rushed out of the bathroom and let him know I was ill and needed to go home. He protested for a moment and then let me go. Several days later, while I was sleeping I received several texts from him: 

Mighty Duck: come over, its my birthday. [1:45am]

Mighty Duck: ??? [1:47am]

Mighty Duck: Are you on your way? [1:50am]

Mighty Duck: Come cuddle me warm [1:52am]

Mighty Duck: Guess you arent coming, but if you read this, come. [2:14am]

I ignored all of them and went on my merry way. That Thursday I ventured out on the town with gay bffls and our straight lady friend. We danced around with each other, drank obscene amounts, and had a grand time. When I got home I jumped on Grindr to see if anyone messaged me before clocking out, since it was 3am. I had several messages, one being from Mighty Duck.

"Guess you found someone to fuck tonight. Goodnight"

In my drunken stupor I decided to respond and see where this went. 

Me: Haha...whaaaat? Thats an odd greeting?

Mighty Duck: I saw you dancing with that black guy. You were dirty dancing.

Me: He is my bffl....and dirty dancing? Are we in middle school? Also did you see the white guy I was dancing with?

Mighty Duck: Yeah...is he who you are going to fuck tonight?

Me: So crude. No...the black guy and the white guy are dating. And the girl I was dancing with was a straight lady friend, not gonna fuck her either...no need to ask

Mighty Duck: So are you in bed with both the guys?

Me; No....also wtf? 

Mighty Duck: My point exactly, why didn't you talk to me

Me: I didn't see you. I was too busy figuring out which one of my unattainable friends I was going to sleep with. 

Mighty Duck: I knew it. If you aren't sleeping with them, you should come over.

Me: Really? Reaaaallly? I'm gonna go ahead and pass. Goodnight

Mighty Duck: No...come over. Now

Mighty Duck: Now?

Mighty Duck: Are you on your way?

Mighty Duck: When are you getting here

Mighty Duck: ??????

Mighty Duck: :(?

Mighty Duck: ? boo

As you can see, my new found stalker who happens to be Grandpa's ex is currently my deterrent from heading out on another random date with the "eligible" bachelors of Baltimore. (I also realized I have now dated a majority of the city #winning)

Fabulously Lost: 0 (I detracted .5 for this past date and gave it to Internet Dating)

Internet Dating: 12

Costumes: Best left to Nicki and Britney

Golden Girls: Only suitable activity for the late nights. 

Ducks and Dogs: Don't mix...unfortunate combo

Valentines Day: Sucky Holiday (unless you wanna be my valentine?)

The time I went out with a "famous" barista...

First off....Happy New Years! I brought in the night with a good amount of college style jungle juice and an array of fancy appetizers. These two things don't normally go together but they felt so right last night. Shhhh...just let it happen...

Annnndddd if you haven't heard it enough:

Anywhoz, today I want to tell you about the time I went out with a "famous" barista but I need to give you a little bit of background on where I met this gentleman. As you all are aware I am a fan of using OkCupid to be my free little Yente, making me poor matches left and right, but there are so many sites out there that make it "easier" for gay men to meet up. Grindr (thats actually how its spelled...apparently not all gays are up with the english language) is an app for iPhones and Droids that acts as an enhanced "gaydar". (anyone else notice I am using "" a lot in this post...) It tells you all of the gay people in the immediate area who have the app on there phones, gives you a little bit of a profile of the people, a photo, and allows you to i/m with them. 

HEY Fab! This doesn't sound like a dating site...it sounds like...like a...like a hook up site! 

Welp you caught me! Thats exactly what most gay men use it for. As if we don't fulfill the stereotype enough we have actually created a site in which we can be lazy and promiscuous all at the same time. Dayummmm what hoes.  

But...but...Why are you on there then? You are looking for LOVE!!!

Caught me AGAIN! You are like flippin' Sherlock Holmes or Monk (Don't pretend like you didn't watch Monk. I see you...I SEE you...). I was very nervous about having this site on my phone because, like all humans, I am prone to having those manly desires to sow my oats and I didn't want to fall prey to the wretchedly masculine men of the Baltimore area. This being said all gay friends seemed to have the app and if nothing else I knew I could communicate with them. 

You're telling us that you NEVER did anything with anyone on Grindr? Not even once....promise we won't tell! 

Well you are a bold faced liar and a really flippin' good detective. (second use of flippin' in this post. I feel like I should get  a prize) I never actually hooked up with one of these heathens (at least no one hit a home run...I'm serious. Stop looking at me. Ugh sometimes I feel like you are judging me. Rude) I did  meet up with a couple people for dates. I was pretty much a "tease" on  this site. I would chat with people but then stop short when they would try and meet up to hook up. There were a few good men (Not you Tom Cruise..) on the site and people who were also looking for love in the wrong place. I went on dates with these men. Anddddd lemme tell you...there is a reason that these men are desperately looking for love on this site and not finding.

Ummm didn't you basically just say you were one of those desperate men looking for love on this hypersexual site for stereotypically promiscuous gay men?

Shut up. 

Ok now that you know about that we can get on with this horrific date I went on with the "famous" person.  

Broadway chatted me up on Grindr and was saying all the right things and not asking me to send photos of myself in my birthday suit. (ok so honestly that seems to be my one qualification for a good match on this site. Don't ask me to send nude photos and I will pretty much show up anywhere for a date. Desperately seeking Susan has nothing on me.) He told me he was a free spirit and he was looking to go on a date with a real man. He said he wanted to take me out on a real live date and treat me like the handsome gentleman he knew I was...(swoooon...)

 Broadway told me that in order for this to be a real date he would have to pick me up. He wanted to take me out for sushi. (Ohhh yes! Love sushi. Pretty sure its an aphrodisiac. Not that that matters because I'm not that kind of girl. I was just making an observation. That's ALL.) He told me he wanted to go on a tuesday because after we could go to one of the two gay bars in Baltimore where they have karaoke and he could sing to me. (is this real life? double swoon)

So Tuesday arrived and so did Broadway, he called and let me know he was waiting for me outside. When I got in I realized that he was a bit of a car hoarder. There was crap  everywhere. Like actually everywhere.  Which he apologized for...but it wasn't a sincere apology nor was his promise to clean it up before date two...(spoiler alert: date two never happened so I cannot report on the state of his car. )  We started to drive and I asked him about his life and where he came from...and that was apparently the wrong thing to do. 

 Broadway let me know that he grew up in NY and was on Broadway when he was a child. He was in Les Miserable and was a personal friend of Lea Michele (For those who are not in-tune with their inner Gleek thats Rachel Berry from Glee). I was fairly impressed and pressed further and it went like this:

Broadway: Yeah Lea Michele is such a bitch. She is exactly what the tabloids say...but I love that crazy bitch. I think its from when I was in Spring Awakening with her....Oh yeah I also was part of the original cast of Spring Awakening.

Me: Holy Kalamazoo thats amazeballz! I love both those shows...I saw Spring Awakening when it was at the Kennedy Center in 2009.

Broadway: Really? I was in the traveling portion too. Sorry about the show.

Me: Why are you sorry? I loved the show. 

Broadway: HA...well at that time the cast had pretty much given up, so our shows weren't the best. We played pranks on each other. But its good to know unexperienced theatre goers couldn't tell. I'll remember that for later! Anyways yeah...do you have any questions about Lea. I love telling stories about how she's a bitch. She respected me cause I was the only person who didn't put up with her shit! 

Ok lets discuss the above statements. 

1. I am obsessed with most celebrity gossip and I am aware of Lea Michele's reputation. I don't, however, feel like you need to sound AS cocky about your stories because I want to remind you that you live in bumblefuck MD and you are currently driving a piece of crap jeep. I think Lea has you beat on this one and I'm pretty sure that she hasn't given you a second thought. 

2. I am an extremely experienced theatre goer. I was in the community theatre production of Fiddler on the Roof (Second Fiddler reference in one post. #winning) and I was also active in my h.s. productions. I think I know a thing or two about theatre MR. Broadway.

3. Rude.

When we actually arrived at XS, a sushi place in Mt. Vernon (the sad gayborhood of Baltimore), he took me to this little back room of the restaurant and sat down. Within moments the waitress was over and he ordered...I had about 2.5 seconds to look at the menu and ordered something that I believed was Pad Thai but under a different name. I was completely overwhelmed and had also barely spoken a word at this point. Broadway, without missing  a beat, began talking about himself and some of his other accomplishments. 

Broadway: I'm so glad my parents moved down to Bowie, MD and didn't stay in NY. I was beginning to become one of those bratty Upper West Side trust fund babies. I needed a reality check and being with real people in MD gave me that. 

Me: *completely ignoring the trust fund comment* Oh nice. Where on the UWS were you? My brother lives up there now.

Broadways: My mom is the CEO of...blah blah blah I cant remember because I was bored blah blah...and she honestly makes Anna Wintour scared and look poor. You do know who that is right? People in MD pay attention to fashion right? 

Me: Yeah. I somehow seemed to keep up with the fast paced world we live in and know who that is, despite my honky tonk up bringing.

Broadway:*not in anyway sensing my sarcasm or abruptness*  Oh good...I couldn't date someone who was that ill educated. Anyways, Life has just been crazy since I became a modeling scout when I decided not to pursue musical theatre at U of Michigan and left on my own accord. 

This type of thing went on for a solid hour. He would bring up something about his life that would seem amazing to the "little people" of MD and sit back and wait for me to admire him. The best part was the entire time we were on this date he was on Grindr talking to people and texting. I also began to think he was lying about his life especially the model scout portion. He was 5'7", overweight, and didn't seem to understand that one-size doesn't fit all. He also wore moccasin slippers.  I'm aware of how progressive NY is and how MD is wayyyy behind in fashion and whatever else, but slippers? Really? On a date? Foolish. It was at this point that I began to make things up about my life because I was done with the date and needed to entertain myself. 

Broadway: I'm currently in a show at the Kennedy Center that they begged me to be in. It's super top secret because its a play based on Adele's music.  I said I'd do it so I could get drunk with Adele when she would come to see the show. I sang Set Fire to the Rain for Adele, and she cried. I was validated there.

Me: Wow thats so great. My mother and I met Seinfeld when we were up in NY last year. I literally bumped into him and he spilled my coffee so he said he would get me another one. As we were talking I made him laugh and laugh. He told me I was one of the funniest people he'd ever met. I think I might call him up soon to get into the comedy world...do it on the side. we text sometimes.

Broadway: * befuddled and confused, possibly by the sound of someone else talking* Huh. Well speaking of mothers, I just told mine that there is NO excuse for us not to go to Paris for the holidays. How can she expect me to only go to Paris once in 2011? I feel like there's a law against that! *laughs to himself*

Me: Yeah I told my parents that I was probably going to disown them if we didn't make our way back to Italy to hang with George for the holidays. *paused for a moment* George Clooney has been an old family friend since my Uncle and him did some Off-Broadway stuff a bajillion years ago. We always stay at his villa in Italy. 

Broadway: *still confused* I...I...uh...well I guess we all have to do things for the holidays. 

I had stumped this man at his one-uping and had also decided that I was ready to go and I asked for the check. I had a dreadful moment when we walked out of the restaurant and realized that we had driven together. (ughhh this is why you NEVER carpool for a date. No escape....Lesson learned. Thanks Jebus) When we got in his car I watched him drive towards the gay bar and park without saying anything. We apparently were on different dates because I assumed we were finished and he still had hopes of drinks and karaoke. When we walked in he hugged a bunch of queens and I made a beeline for my favorite bartenders. We semi-ignored each other until I told him I needed to be back home pronto. 

As we drove home and he discussed his fabulous life I contemplated if it would be more painful to "tuck and roll" out of the car or stay and listen to his bumbling nonsensical stories. When we arrived at my house he leaned over and gave me a semi-decent kiss and said "Just wanted to make sure you got a chance to taste this" *winks at me*

I got out of the car immediately and didn't turn back. I felt the need to go to confessional and ask for forgiveness for all of his obvious lies. 

But Fab! The title of this post is how you went out with a "famous" barista. How the hell is he a barista??

You know you are a fairly annoying detective....just like Monk. You are right, I forgot that part. I saw Broadway a week later at that same gay karaoke bar. This time when I saw him he was giving a hug to one of my gay friends and he looked at me with sheer terror, like he had seen a ghost. I was shocked they were hugging and immediately asked my friend how he knew Broadwway, when he got back to our group. Gay friend said "Oh we worked together at Starbucks in '09. He's cool but kinda wild"

Let's recall this together....Earlier in this post I said I saw Spring Awakening in '09 at the Kennedy Center. He  said he was in it. So why on Jebus' green earth would you be working at Starbucks when you are starring on broadway....

And thats how I went on a date with a "famous" Barista. 

Internet Dating: 6

Fabulously Lost: 0

Grindr: Creepy...yet oddly helpful