Gaycation

Real Talk: I have been trying to write this post for like a week now, but life got in the way and there were some speed bumps. Sorry bout it.

More Real Talk: I am currently watching "Hoarders: Buried Alive." There is a gay man who is on here and I am astonished for multiple reasons: 1. Gay men are too fabulous for real people problems. (It's just a fact. I don't make the rules) 2. He has mentioned his Gucci shoes three times in the first 20 minutes....he is in the MIDDLE of a show exposing his mental illness and that bitty needs to let people know he's got fancy shoes. PROPS.

Ok, lets get to the damn story already! So last week I was on vacation with the fam in the little beach town we have been vacationing in since before I was born, Ogunquit, ME. What is so terrific about this town is that it likes to call itself the Provincetown of Maine. For those of you who don't understand what that means, basically its just a super gay artsy town. (Yes. My parents have been frickin' liberal as crap since before I was born. Yes, they were okay with the gays back then. I am the least angst filled person to walk this rainbow filled world.)

Since I was an anti-gay gay up until a couple years ago, this was the first time I was going to Ogunquit as a proud glitter card carrying member of the community. I was uber-excited to see how things were going to pan out and see how my family would react to the new level of fabulousness that I was going to spew on them as we spent seven days in a 3 bedroom apartment. As the trip began we spent several days laying on the beach and soaking up the rays, sporadically making trips to the gym and walking along the beach. My favorite thing about the beach there is that as you are walking along and see all the lovely families and people playing games, there is an imaginary wall that you hit at some point and then its like you have entered a city that only has men living there. Tons of men in varying sizes of bathing suits playing their own types of games and giving off all sorts of wonderful and happy vibes. (I.was.in.heaven.)

Day two of the vacation I walk into the Village Mart and I was accosted by signs for all of the events that are happening in Ogunquit through out the summer. The thing that stood out the most was a sign for a drag show at one of the many gay bars in town. I began to tweaking. Like bugging out. I took photos of it and started emailing to my family. (I am still confused at why I acted like I found leprechaun's gold, being that I was in the land of rainbows). My older brothers girlfriend (Yes the practically married brother) has very similar feelings towards drag queens that I do and immediately decided we needed to incorporate this outing into our trip. What was even better was both of my brothers were completely down for venturing into the land of the unknown, seeing as the older broseph hasn't been to a gay bar in quite some time and the younger one had yet to ever walk into one. What better way to bring them into my world than with a little drag?

(She has NOTHING to do with this post. I got ADD and started looking up drag queens and had to share. Aren't you GLAAD I did? Get it...get what I did there?)

Well by the time the drag show was descending upon us I was all in a hizzy. I made sure to buy a completely new outfit, down to brand spankin' new Calvin Klein under garments (Just like Marty McFly!). I was acting like I had just come out and this was my big debut to the world. Which was amusing because as soon as we got to the bar, I was "too cool" and decided to take care of my "naive" brothers, who are fine fending for themselves. As soon as I had my signature gin and tonic in hand I was ret-to-go! 

The show was fabulous. She was really terrific and all over the place and was HIGHsterical. Since she was the only woman in the show, she would periodically take breaks and do trivia. Joanna would call random people on stage to compete against each other for random prizes. I thought it would be fun (read: I was drunk and giggled to myself) to point at my older brother flamboyantly in order to get him up on stage. "HA HA HA....look at the straight trivia master! We should have him compete! Dance Monkey, dance!" -- It's what I was thinking, not necessarily saying. Well, little did I know my flamboyant foils were turned against me and I was called on stage.

Now, based off of the outrageousness of most of my life, you might think that getting on a stage in front of a group of gay men, straight women, and some variation of that might sound like a good time to me. Normally you would be correct...but you are DEAD wrong here. I am terrible attrivia and I am not just saying that. I am the worst person to have on your trivia team...I become like Mitt Romney talking to poor people...silent and perplexed. I forget everything from my name to how many Britney albums are currently available for purchase. (That hurt to type...but it's true).

Anywhoz, I saunter up there trying to figure out my plan of attack and just as I reached the stage I went completely blank. Joanna began asking questions and I tried to buzz in (which was with a rubber chicken...we had to "choke the chicken" to buzz in. SUPER family friendly show) but failed miserably. I failed so badly that I was called out for being so horrible. I attempted to make jokes with the audience. My feeble attempts seemed win over enough people, that as I was leaving the stage I got several high fives and a few hugs...despite answering nothing right. 

After the show had finished, my little group made our way to the deck bar and began drinkin' dranks and chatting it up with some of the locals. I became besties with the young cute bartender (Shockkker) and found out his life story (double shockerrr). Then this cute lesbian couple came barreling out with a fairly attractive Vermont (VT) Mountain Man who was right behind them. They complimented me on my ineptness and shared a few drinks and laughs with us. 

(Not actually him...but definitely not far off...)

After a gin and tonic or two, we all can assume that I am more prone to fall in love...and boy did I. I side-eyed my brothers as they tried to interrupt and even kept VT away from his friends. Slowly, his friends decided to leave and then my brothers and the bro's lady decided it was time for them to leave. 

Bros: We're leaving...lets go.

Me: I'll walk home thank you very much. 

Bros: Umm...it's like a mile and a half back, and there are no cabs. 

Me: Pffft, thats not bad. I walk that in my sleep

Bros: That doesn't seem right...are you sure?

Me: Yeah, I love the outdoors 

Fact: I do not love the outdoors

They left me, high and dry, for the comfort of the hotel and their beds. I, on the other hand, was in the company of someone who roamed the mountains of the Northeast. (I just made that up...I pride myself on being honest with you guys and to be honest...the very end of the time at the bar is a bit...hazy, if you will so I don't completely remember what he does for a living. Roaming sounds accurate). VT thought it might be a good idea for us to take a walk and see what types of things were around. He needed to ski-da-ddle to the bathroom before heading out. I went to close out my tab and had an interesting convo with the cute bartender. 

Bartender: So we have been talking about you a bit

Me: We?

*Bartender points to a gaggle of gays in the corner of the bar*

Me: Oh, well how kind of you to talk?

Bartender: We think you can do better than VT, a lot better. 

Me: Is it because he is a rough and tumble Mountain Man? 

Bartender: What? Wait...no. You are just very attractive and you can do better. 

Me: BAHAHAHA....ok where is Ashton? I've been Punk'd right? Ashton you dirty bastard! 

Bartender: Ashton? What? Ok, whatever...just thought I'd put it out there. Nice meeting you.

I literally lol'd hard at that one. Then decided it was time for me to move to New England for good. In ALL of my years as an Out gentleman of the South, I have never, ever, been told that. Confidence was at an all time medium level, so I was feeling good. Did this warning stop or deter me from going on a walk with VT? Helllzzzz to the naw. I was just holding my head a tiny bit higher (but not too much....the gin really ways you down).

As we roamed around town we decided to walk down to the beach to chat and walk. (WHY AM I SO OUTDOORSY AT THE BEACH?) Which turned into us mackin' it as soon as we walked beyond the last bit of the light cascading over the sand from the edge of the parking lot. In between our ridiculousness and general care-free fashion that we adopted when it came to laying on the beach, we would look at the stars and start talking. Now, talking has never gone anywhere good for me and my relationships, but when a man, like me, is drunk on life, drunk on being on gaycation, and drunk on gin...you forget the basics. 

VT: I have to get up early tomorrow to pick up my son. You are keeping me out so late! 

Me: Yeah I have to be up early to....wait....WTF YOU HAVE A KID?? You're too young to have a child.

VT: Yes? He's 6...how old do you think I am?

(Now, this never bodes well for me...when I saw him in the bar I thought he was like 28. I had also made best friends with the bottom of my gin and tonic cup...)

Me: Well....you know....an age....around....28?

VT: Hahaha I'm 35

Welp, there we go. He is now the oldest person I have ever made out with (Not the oldest person who has ever courted me...haha that makes me sound classy), but he had a young looking mountain beard...totally not my fault. I decided to ignore his age and try and focus on the surroundings. We were on the beach, looking at the stars, talking about things I was positive I wouldn't remember but felt really deep at the time. 

Facts: I did say at one point "I don't even care that we are laying on the sand and it is getting everywhere" More facts: I hate being dirty or sandy or muddy. Apparently, whilst intoxicated, all of my preconceived notions of being dirty or sandy or muddy go out the door. The next morning ended up being interesting as I emptied the entire beach into the shared shower my family entire family used...but that's neither here nor there. 

Then I decided to get inquisitive about this whole kid thing, because down here in the south that usually means that there is a Baby Mama involved. That also means you have recently come out and have a great deal of baggage. I began to get concerned that this was his first foray into the gay world and I was going to be his first conquest...because I specialize in irrational fears and concerns in the middle of the most intimate of moments. (seriously...why am I single?) Now, we all know I have no issues with children, well not any more...but I like to know the back story. 

Me: So...the kid thing...that's, like, a big deal

VT: Yeah, having shared custody isn't the most fun thing in the world. But, the divorce was necessary. I've been single for a year and a half now. 

Me: Wow, it's good you got out then. How long were you married to her?

VT: Her? Why would I be married to a woman, I'm gay. I was married to a man, for 6 years. We adopted our son when he was 6 days old. 

WHAT?!?!?! HOW?!?! WHEN DID GAY PEOPLE START MARRYING?!?!

That's right folks, up there in New England, them there Yankees let the gayz get married and have for quite awhile. Long enough for a 6 year marriage to have a beginning, a middle, and an end. My mind was boggled and I had a difficult time explaining that having a kid down south meant a whole slew of issues from baby mama drama to dealing with closet cases. 

VT and I stayed on that beach from midnight until 3am having a romantical vacation fling. We even discussed the possibility of visiting each other. Reality wouldn't set in until midway through the next day that this was nothing more than a fun moment in time, rather than a real possibility. 

While I was up there, I did realize that I needed to move to New England at some point in my life. I also realized that (maybe it was the ocean water) there were a lot of white men I found attractive. I KNOW! Shocker. I am shocked. I am still processing. My world was rocked. Shhhhh just let it happen. VT Mountain Man really had quite the impact on me....

Vermont Mountain Man: Burly and deceptively young looking

White Men: New Possibilities?

New England: My new Gay Mecca

Fabulously Lost: Still covered in sand... 

The time I went out with a "famous" barista...

First off....Happy New Years! I brought in the night with a good amount of college style jungle juice and an array of fancy appetizers. These two things don't normally go together but they felt so right last night. Shhhh...just let it happen...

Annnndddd if you haven't heard it enough:

Anywhoz, today I want to tell you about the time I went out with a "famous" barista but I need to give you a little bit of background on where I met this gentleman. As you all are aware I am a fan of using OkCupid to be my free little Yente, making me poor matches left and right, but there are so many sites out there that make it "easier" for gay men to meet up. Grindr (thats actually how its spelled...apparently not all gays are up with the english language) is an app for iPhones and Droids that acts as an enhanced "gaydar". (anyone else notice I am using "" a lot in this post...) It tells you all of the gay people in the immediate area who have the app on there phones, gives you a little bit of a profile of the people, a photo, and allows you to i/m with them. 

HEY Fab! This doesn't sound like a dating site...it sounds like...like a...like a hook up site! 

Welp you caught me! Thats exactly what most gay men use it for. As if we don't fulfill the stereotype enough we have actually created a site in which we can be lazy and promiscuous all at the same time. Dayummmm what hoes.  

But...but...Why are you on there then? You are looking for LOVE!!!

Caught me AGAIN! You are like flippin' Sherlock Holmes or Monk (Don't pretend like you didn't watch Monk. I see you...I SEE you...). I was very nervous about having this site on my phone because, like all humans, I am prone to having those manly desires to sow my oats and I didn't want to fall prey to the wretchedly masculine men of the Baltimore area. This being said all gay friends seemed to have the app and if nothing else I knew I could communicate with them. 

You're telling us that you NEVER did anything with anyone on Grindr? Not even once....promise we won't tell! 

Well you are a bold faced liar and a really flippin' good detective. (second use of flippin' in this post. I feel like I should get  a prize) I never actually hooked up with one of these heathens (at least no one hit a home run...I'm serious. Stop looking at me. Ugh sometimes I feel like you are judging me. Rude) I did  meet up with a couple people for dates. I was pretty much a "tease" on  this site. I would chat with people but then stop short when they would try and meet up to hook up. There were a few good men (Not you Tom Cruise..) on the site and people who were also looking for love in the wrong place. I went on dates with these men. Anddddd lemme tell you...there is a reason that these men are desperately looking for love on this site and not finding.

Ummm didn't you basically just say you were one of those desperate men looking for love on this hypersexual site for stereotypically promiscuous gay men?

Shut up. 

Ok now that you know about that we can get on with this horrific date I went on with the "famous" person.  

Broadway chatted me up on Grindr and was saying all the right things and not asking me to send photos of myself in my birthday suit. (ok so honestly that seems to be my one qualification for a good match on this site. Don't ask me to send nude photos and I will pretty much show up anywhere for a date. Desperately seeking Susan has nothing on me.) He told me he was a free spirit and he was looking to go on a date with a real man. He said he wanted to take me out on a real live date and treat me like the handsome gentleman he knew I was...(swoooon...)

 Broadway told me that in order for this to be a real date he would have to pick me up. He wanted to take me out for sushi. (Ohhh yes! Love sushi. Pretty sure its an aphrodisiac. Not that that matters because I'm not that kind of girl. I was just making an observation. That's ALL.) He told me he wanted to go on a tuesday because after we could go to one of the two gay bars in Baltimore where they have karaoke and he could sing to me. (is this real life? double swoon)

So Tuesday arrived and so did Broadway, he called and let me know he was waiting for me outside. When I got in I realized that he was a bit of a car hoarder. There was crap  everywhere. Like actually everywhere.  Which he apologized for...but it wasn't a sincere apology nor was his promise to clean it up before date two...(spoiler alert: date two never happened so I cannot report on the state of his car. )  We started to drive and I asked him about his life and where he came from...and that was apparently the wrong thing to do. 

 Broadway let me know that he grew up in NY and was on Broadway when he was a child. He was in Les Miserable and was a personal friend of Lea Michele (For those who are not in-tune with their inner Gleek thats Rachel Berry from Glee). I was fairly impressed and pressed further and it went like this:

Broadway: Yeah Lea Michele is such a bitch. She is exactly what the tabloids say...but I love that crazy bitch. I think its from when I was in Spring Awakening with her....Oh yeah I also was part of the original cast of Spring Awakening.

Me: Holy Kalamazoo thats amazeballz! I love both those shows...I saw Spring Awakening when it was at the Kennedy Center in 2009.

Broadway: Really? I was in the traveling portion too. Sorry about the show.

Me: Why are you sorry? I loved the show. 

Broadway: HA...well at that time the cast had pretty much given up, so our shows weren't the best. We played pranks on each other. But its good to know unexperienced theatre goers couldn't tell. I'll remember that for later! Anyways yeah...do you have any questions about Lea. I love telling stories about how she's a bitch. She respected me cause I was the only person who didn't put up with her shit! 

Ok lets discuss the above statements. 

1. I am obsessed with most celebrity gossip and I am aware of Lea Michele's reputation. I don't, however, feel like you need to sound AS cocky about your stories because I want to remind you that you live in bumblefuck MD and you are currently driving a piece of crap jeep. I think Lea has you beat on this one and I'm pretty sure that she hasn't given you a second thought. 

2. I am an extremely experienced theatre goer. I was in the community theatre production of Fiddler on the Roof (Second Fiddler reference in one post. #winning) and I was also active in my h.s. productions. I think I know a thing or two about theatre MR. Broadway.

3. Rude.

When we actually arrived at XS, a sushi place in Mt. Vernon (the sad gayborhood of Baltimore), he took me to this little back room of the restaurant and sat down. Within moments the waitress was over and he ordered...I had about 2.5 seconds to look at the menu and ordered something that I believed was Pad Thai but under a different name. I was completely overwhelmed and had also barely spoken a word at this point. Broadway, without missing  a beat, began talking about himself and some of his other accomplishments. 

Broadway: I'm so glad my parents moved down to Bowie, MD and didn't stay in NY. I was beginning to become one of those bratty Upper West Side trust fund babies. I needed a reality check and being with real people in MD gave me that. 

Me: *completely ignoring the trust fund comment* Oh nice. Where on the UWS were you? My brother lives up there now.

Broadways: My mom is the CEO of...blah blah blah I cant remember because I was bored blah blah...and she honestly makes Anna Wintour scared and look poor. You do know who that is right? People in MD pay attention to fashion right? 

Me: Yeah. I somehow seemed to keep up with the fast paced world we live in and know who that is, despite my honky tonk up bringing.

Broadway:*not in anyway sensing my sarcasm or abruptness*  Oh good...I couldn't date someone who was that ill educated. Anyways, Life has just been crazy since I became a modeling scout when I decided not to pursue musical theatre at U of Michigan and left on my own accord. 

This type of thing went on for a solid hour. He would bring up something about his life that would seem amazing to the "little people" of MD and sit back and wait for me to admire him. The best part was the entire time we were on this date he was on Grindr talking to people and texting. I also began to think he was lying about his life especially the model scout portion. He was 5'7", overweight, and didn't seem to understand that one-size doesn't fit all. He also wore moccasin slippers.  I'm aware of how progressive NY is and how MD is wayyyy behind in fashion and whatever else, but slippers? Really? On a date? Foolish. It was at this point that I began to make things up about my life because I was done with the date and needed to entertain myself. 

Broadway: I'm currently in a show at the Kennedy Center that they begged me to be in. It's super top secret because its a play based on Adele's music.  I said I'd do it so I could get drunk with Adele when she would come to see the show. I sang Set Fire to the Rain for Adele, and she cried. I was validated there.

Me: Wow thats so great. My mother and I met Seinfeld when we were up in NY last year. I literally bumped into him and he spilled my coffee so he said he would get me another one. As we were talking I made him laugh and laugh. He told me I was one of the funniest people he'd ever met. I think I might call him up soon to get into the comedy world...do it on the side. we text sometimes.

Broadway: * befuddled and confused, possibly by the sound of someone else talking* Huh. Well speaking of mothers, I just told mine that there is NO excuse for us not to go to Paris for the holidays. How can she expect me to only go to Paris once in 2011? I feel like there's a law against that! *laughs to himself*

Me: Yeah I told my parents that I was probably going to disown them if we didn't make our way back to Italy to hang with George for the holidays. *paused for a moment* George Clooney has been an old family friend since my Uncle and him did some Off-Broadway stuff a bajillion years ago. We always stay at his villa in Italy. 

Broadway: *still confused* I...I...uh...well I guess we all have to do things for the holidays. 

I had stumped this man at his one-uping and had also decided that I was ready to go and I asked for the check. I had a dreadful moment when we walked out of the restaurant and realized that we had driven together. (ughhh this is why you NEVER carpool for a date. No escape....Lesson learned. Thanks Jebus) When we got in his car I watched him drive towards the gay bar and park without saying anything. We apparently were on different dates because I assumed we were finished and he still had hopes of drinks and karaoke. When we walked in he hugged a bunch of queens and I made a beeline for my favorite bartenders. We semi-ignored each other until I told him I needed to be back home pronto. 

As we drove home and he discussed his fabulous life I contemplated if it would be more painful to "tuck and roll" out of the car or stay and listen to his bumbling nonsensical stories. When we arrived at my house he leaned over and gave me a semi-decent kiss and said "Just wanted to make sure you got a chance to taste this" *winks at me*

I got out of the car immediately and didn't turn back. I felt the need to go to confessional and ask for forgiveness for all of his obvious lies. 

But Fab! The title of this post is how you went out with a "famous" barista. How the hell is he a barista??

You know you are a fairly annoying detective....just like Monk. You are right, I forgot that part. I saw Broadway a week later at that same gay karaoke bar. This time when I saw him he was giving a hug to one of my gay friends and he looked at me with sheer terror, like he had seen a ghost. I was shocked they were hugging and immediately asked my friend how he knew Broadwway, when he got back to our group. Gay friend said "Oh we worked together at Starbucks in '09. He's cool but kinda wild"

Let's recall this together....Earlier in this post I said I saw Spring Awakening in '09 at the Kennedy Center. He  said he was in it. So why on Jebus' green earth would you be working at Starbucks when you are starring on broadway....

And thats how I went on a date with a "famous" Barista. 

Internet Dating: 6

Fabulously Lost: 0

Grindr: Creepy...yet oddly helpful