Harry Potter in Shambles

Most of my close friends are aware of my odd fascination with most things Harry Potter related. What I really mean by "odd fascination" is that I tend to try and fit anything HP related into my daily conversation. I think this is a normal thing, but I have been told that I should hide that type of crazy from most people until several dates in. (Other "odd fascinations" I have include, and are not limited to, '90s teen bop music, '00s teen bop music, '10s teen bop music {Shut it...Selena speaks to me], and Sabrina the Teenage Witch. And Britney.) Whenever I thought about which HP character I would end up with I, along with most human beings, imagined I would date Harry or Ron or even Malfoy (loves me a good bad boy. he's a fixer-upper.) I never in a million years thought I would end up on a date with Hagrid.

Now, my Hagrid (it bothers me that I can say "my Hagrid" forever and for always...), wasn't as hairy as the mythical friendly half giant that lived on the grounds of Hogwarts, but he wasn't too far off. This gentleman began messaging me over OkCupid and seemed decent enough. I had gone on a string of bad dates with people that had fit my "type" (which means they were black.) and decided that I needed to branch out and date people who were outside of my "type" (which means non-black). This was mistake #1.This seemed logical enough for me and gave me new found hope that I was supposed to find someone who I wasn't conventionally attracted to and that we would find love in each other because of our differences!

Hagrid worked locally at a restaurant and was 27 years old. He was 6' 4", had some light scruff, and only had face pics on the site. (this generally means he has something to hide, but as we know...I'm a desperate daisy and tend to forgo any warnings) He didn't delve into exactly what he did at the restaurant but he did say that he loved where he worked because of the regulars. This should have been seen as a red flag, but instead I saw this as him being a friendly guy who enjoyed getting to know the patrons of the restaurant he owned. (Notice what I did there...he said he worked at a restaurant and I convinced myself he owned it. #crazypartyof1) Hagrid told me he wanted me to come to his restaurant where he worked for our first date, but I decided I wanted to be treated like the gem that I am and wanted to go to his favorite restaurant in his neighborhood in Baltimore. This was mistake #2.

When I arrived at the "restaurant" that he chose as his favorite in his neighborhood, I should have probably turned around and left but I didn't. This was mistake #3. The outside of the bar looked like it was made of wood that scavenged from an old dirty pirate ship. The neon sign was like the little sign that could, flickering every so often to let you know they were O-EN.  There was also one window on the first floor and it was blacked out. I decided that this was just "rustic charm" and tried to give this dive a chance. 

Hagrid was sitting there at the end of the bar when I walked in and his "scruff" was a full fledged beard and when he stood up, he not only towered over me, but he was twice the weight of me (and I am no tiny duckling). Instead of the normal handshake to say hello, he engulfed me in a hug...and smushed my face into his beard nest thing. Not running away at this point was mistake #4

Hagrid: You look just like I thought you would! I hope you like my choice, I'm a regular here.

(There he goes again with the "regulars"....)

Me: You look...just like....you. This is an interesting place...do they have good food/drink specials. 

Hagrid: Well I wouldn't say they have good food, but the chef knows how to heat up a good burger. 

Ummm he knows how to heat up a good burger? What the hell does that mean? This is a restaurant shouldn't they be cooking the burgers fresh? Shouldn't it be a specialty since that is standard bar food?? WHERE THE HELL AM I?!?!

Me: Well it sounds like you know a good burger...what are their drink specials

Hagrid: Beer

Me: Oh nice, uh..err...do they have anything else?

Hagird: I'd stick to the beer

Me: So I guess I don't really need to look at the menu do I? (mistake #5)

Hagrid: That's the spirit! I knew you'd like this place.  I hate sissy fem gays who can't handle a little roughness around the edge. 

So... I don't think about myself as a "sissy fem gay" but I also like the finer things in life. My family never taught me how to camp and I like new clothes and nice restaurants and being treated well and staying in hote....ok so I might be a little bit of a "sissy". (who the hell cares. Suck it judgers) On the same token, I loves me a good dive bar because they tend to have good greasy food and cheap drinks. This place just looked like it was mice infested and hadn't been cleaned since the mid-1800s. I let him do all of the ordering because I couldn't understand the garbling of the bartender when she came up to us. She looked like a cross between and amazon woman and a yeti. Impeccable english.

(This is a real painting. All I had to type in was "Yeti Woman" and soooo many pictures came up. people are weird)

 We tried to make small talk about everything and anything and slowly began to realize we had very little in common.

Hagrid: Do you like dogs?
Me: Yeah, I didn't grow up with dogs but I like the idea of small to medium sized dogs. My bffl has a boxer that I'm in love with
Hagrid: Oh...I have a great dane. He is kinda unruly, like me! 
Me: Ha..ha..thats cool. What do you like to do for fun on the weekends?
Hagrid: I work most weekends at the restaurant, so I don't have a lot of time to hang out. 
Me: Right! What kinda restaurant is it?
Hagrid: It's actually almost exactly like this place a few streets over...its owned by the same guy!
Me: *shudders* Fun....so what do you do there? (mistake #6)
Hagrid: Well I was a bartender, but I drink too much sometimes so I was demoted to bar back. He can't fire me though cause I blew him once. He's afraid I'll tell his wife. *begins a hearty bellowing of a laugh that almost knocks over our "beers"*

As you can see, we have very little in common. For starters, our dog choices are not compatible. While this seems minor in this very moment you have to remember that I am on the search for long term lovin'. This means that if he prefers bigger dogs, later in life (Not that we would EVER get there) he would want a big dog. I have no urge to have my kids learning to horseback ride on our dog. Second, he works most weekends because he is a bar back. I work during the week and usually use my weekend for "extracurricular activities." Finally, I have no issue with his job choice or that he works at a bar that looks like you get herpes from sitting in it, but that he is proud of his job security due to blowing the owner at one point in time.

The really 'effed up part of this (disturbed that we haven't reached the effed up part yet? ME TOO)  is that after we awkwardly finished out food (and by finished I mean I pushed around the charred circle that resembled what used to be a burger) Hagrid asked me if I was okay walking him back to his place....and...I...said...yes. HOLD YOUR HORSES. I had no intention of going back to his place for hanky panky, but I was intrigued by the adventure of seeing where a half-giant lives. (I hear you judging me. I feel it with your eyes. That's just rude. Can't a guy just walk a giant home?) This is mistake #7.


Anywhoz, what I saw there is something that both shocked me and left my jaw dropped for days. Hagrid opened the door to his Baltimore row home and let me into what looked like the island of misfit...well...misfit everything. As soon as I walked in there was artwork on the wall that was large and in charge and had pizza smeared on it. I could tell it was pizza because there was a slice stuck to it in the top right hand corner.

Hagrid: We had a party that was a little wild 
Me: Oh wow, is it like an after work thing on the weekends?
Hagrid: Uhh...no it was like a Monday? I don't know, whatever the first Monday of the month was.


Nowwwww, we were closing in on the beginning of December, so this Pizza Artwork had been left on the wall for almost a month. But WAIT...it gets better! We moved past this Picasso and moved onto the living room where clothing made up what should be where a carpet was. Men's, women's, and children's clothing was strewn about. (Did you squint at that for a second? Did I just say children's clothing? Yup, yup I did) I also saw random children's toys laying all over the place and began to question what I had gotten myself into and just as I turned towards the door I was almost completely knocked over by a massive furry bear of an animal.

Hagrid: DOWN NICKELBACK! GET DOWN! 


You'd think I'd be startled by this stampeding elephant dog but, in reality, my mind immediately went to the fact that his dog was named after Nickelback, the widely hated American rock band. Not only did I find this a dumb name for an animal, but I also was appalled because I don't like this band and I have never found their songs (which all sound the same) all that exciting or great.

Me: Did you say your whale dog's name was Nickelback?
Hagrid: Yeah, they are the greatest band of all time. I have a tattoo dedicated to them on my body, you'll see it later if you're a good boy. *winks*
Me: I think I'll pass, I generally don't need rewards for being a good person. Why the hell are their children's toys and clothing everywhere?
Hagrid: Um, they're my roommates sons clothing. You remember the bartender from the bar we ate at? I live with her and her 3 year old son. Don't worry, when we have parties he stays at his grandma's down the road. 


Yup, he calmed my nerves. Hagrid let me know that the child is  not around for their pizza slinging, wolly mammoth stomping, incoherent garbling, beer guzzling parties. I am now completely comfortable with the situation I have gotten myself into, THANKS for that Hagrid. It was at this point, and only now, did I feel that I was ready to leave. As I walked towards the door I could hear him following me to let me out. I turned around to the most surprising event of the evening. This was the final mistake, mistake #8.


Hagrid lifted me off the ground, put me against the wall and planted a kiss on a majority of my face with his giant man bearded lips. I felt like my head was being taken over in an alien death kiss as my feet wiggled in the air. After what seemed like eons, he put me back on the ground.

Hagrid: I have wanted to do that all night. You have nice lips
Me: Uh, well I think I should go.
Hagird: If you ever wanna go out again, let me know. I can get you free drinks at the bar...if my boss isn't there. 


I, as I know it must surprise you, did not take him up on this kind offer. I cut down the beanstalk, sans any golden eggs, and never saw the giant again.

Internet Dating; Infinity
Fabulously Lost: Curbing Harry Potter Fantasies
Mistakes: Blatantly obvious to everyone but me
Voldemort: He won this battle.

Betty Boop and her staring problem

So I did it again ladies and gentleman. I made rookie mistakes because of my urgent need for attention and validation. I went on a date this past week and decided to forgo everything I have learned this past year. I planned out our New Years Eve kiss (I had never met him and only seen three headshots),  I had gotten myself prepped to tell my whole family of our budding relationship, I had even planned our regular Friday nights in watching movies. I even decided to ignore the warnings of my friends A. and Rachel when I forwarded his last message he had written to me, and they said things along the lines of "wow isn't that a bit intense. he seems sweet and all but, wow" (read also: he seems a bit crazy. dont you think maybe you shouldn't book your honeymoon yet) I listened to none of this and told them I was excited and couldn't wait. Mind you all of this took place over a 24hr period (Rookie Mistake #1)

Our date was this past Tuesday and I didn't know what to expect but I was excited to meet the future father of my children. I knew this because in the last email that he sent me he said he wants kids. (too soon...I think not! I'm 23 and ready to start popping out babies!...ok maybe I'm not. But the idea of kids is nice. For someone older. So maybe I should've seen this as odd. Maybe you need to stop judging me. Kcoolthanks). I told him I would pick him up from his apartment (Rookie Mistake #2). We were going to go to dinner and a movie (Rookie Mistake #3), you never plan to do both those things because in case the date is bad you wanna make sure it has the potential of being short. Dinner and a movie = AT least 3.5hrs. We also were going to go to RA, a sushi place in Baltimore, and the Landmark Theatre, an expensive movie theatre. Do I need to explain why those to are Rookie Mistake's #3 and #4?

I arrived at this gentleman's apartment to pick him up and what I found was something that shocked me and crushed my dreams of having tall children. This man had told me he was 5'6" (short already for me, being 6'1") but turned out to be a solid 5'4". You think that this would be the thing that grabs my attention first...but you would be terribly mistaken. What I noticed first was how he walked like Betty Boop.

Hand out to the side, swishing his hips. I couldn't take my eyes off of this person as he walked himself toward me...hips going back and forth, back and forth, back...and...forth. His hand NEVER losing its place pointing out to the side. Betty Boop walked straight up to me and said "Hi sweetie, its so good to finally see you". Ummm I don't like when my mother calls me sweetie....soooo I dislike it even more when Betty Boop decides to nickname me. 

The other thing I noticed as he walked up to my car was his outfit. Now Betty Boop lives in Baltimore and knows that RA is a fairly nice restaurant, why on God's green earth would you wear a sweatshirt on a date. Maybe he thought he was going to win me over with his 1930's cartoon impersonation or maybe it was the nickname he was going to give me, but wearing a sweatshirt on a first date seems to be a BIG no-no to me.

Betty Boop gets in my car and stares at me. Doesn't say a word...just stares at me. 

So I began the conversation and tried to talk about the holidays and families and such. You know...like a normal person.

Me: So how was your holiday?

Betty Boop: Uhh it was good. just spent it with my family, which is always good!

Me: Aww thats awesome! It sounds like you are close with your family! Are you?

Betty Boop: Nope.

Me: Oh. err umm well at least the weekend was good? Do you have any siblings?

Betty Boop: yes. a brother.

Me: Ohh cool! I have two, an older and a younger! Is yours older or younger than you?

Betty Boop: Twin.

Me: AMAZEBALLZ. Love the twin thing! Tell me more. do you have that twin thing where you can feel each others pain? Are you identical or fraternal? What do each of those mean? Do you have a twin language? (I didn't really ask all of those questions in a row. but I did nervously ask a few. because...he wouldn't talk)

Betty Boop: We aren't close. We are identical. He is different from me. Are you close with your family?

Me: Yeah they are like my best friends. My brothers/fam are the best! 

Betty Boop: Must be nice. 

Mind you...he was not just saying all of this in a monotone voice. He sounded excited with every single answer and when he finished he would just stare at me. Stare at my face with a smile on his face and say absolutely nothing. I don't know what I would have been happier with, him being monotone and boring or this weird excitement thing he seemed to have going and his incessant staring. I think Imma go with option 1. (I'd like to point out that we aren't even at the restaurant yet)

When we finally get to RA, we get inside and sit at the tables by the bar. I already am aware of the length of this date before it even really begins. We look at the menu and he asks me if I would like to get saki. 

Me: No, I'm not a huge fan of saki. I'm gonna get the pomegranate martini.

Betty Boop: Aww why??? you should try the saki! Its so good here.

Me: I've had it here before, not a big fan. I'm gonna stick with the pom martini

Betty Boop: Come on! You should try it for me *smiles, giggles, pokes my arm*

Me: Nope, I'm really okay with my drink order. 

Betty Boop: What is even in a pom martini?

Me: uhhh Pomegranate? It's a martini...that has a pomegranate flavor.

Betty Boop: Ewww. You should get the Saki instead...sooo much better!

Me: I'm gonna go ahead an go with my drink. You can go ahead and order it though

Betty Boop: ok but you are sooooo gonna try it! It's the bestest here. *stares at me until waitress walks over and we order*

First off...No. just No. Secondly,  I am not going to try it. Thirdly, I don't need to try anything for you. And finally, Bestest? Really? Bestest? Who are you, stop this madness! 

While we wait for the food the conversation is painful and I find myself babbling about everything and anything from movies I'd like to see to the sports teams I am a fan of. (For those of you who don't know me...if I am bringing up sports in any shape or form we know we are having a major issue on this date.) I asked him questions here and there but would get one word responses and then staring. Sooooo much staring. It wasn't til he had his second round of saki that he began giving me two and three word responses. 

When we finished up at RA we decided to walk over to the movie theatre. The whole entire walk he kept walking into me in an attempt to grab hold of my hand, which I had placed inside my pockets. Betty Boop attempted a fake fall at one point and grabbed onto my arm trying to get my hand out of my pocket. This little munchkin was now tipsy and aggressive. Not a good combination for someone of his stature, its like an excited little dog that won't give up until you pick it up. Well, good for me, I dislike little dogs and pay them no attention...sorry sparky. 

We get to Landmark and by our tickets for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and head towards the crowded theatre. We find seats close to the entrance (good for a speedy exit and escape if need be) and settle in. We have missed the previews, which Betty Boop lets everyone know that he is disappointed about. Apparently Betty Boop never received the talk about his "inside" and "outside" voices. He also apparently learned how to whisper on a helicopter. (waiiitttt for it....yup, you got it. He didn't know how to whisper). Randomly throughout the movie he would try to aggressively grab my hand...which was awkward and also caused me to hold my own hand. He would also turn and ask me what I thought of the movie or comment on things in his normal talking voice whisper. 

This movie was, more or less, the perfect movie to see on a bad date. There is absolutely NOTHING romantic about it and it is in fact wildly uncomfortable to see on a date. So excited. So happy. I would totally go see it if you were thinking about it....good movie. The movie was hella long though and ended close to midnight....I was ret to go.

We awkwardly made the long walk back to my car and I drove him to his apt. When we got there, I parked to let him out and he wouldn't get out. He just awkwardly stared and smiled at me and said how he had a grand time. Betty Boop then hugged me and looked into my backseat at the same time. Now my car is pretty much spotless except for one bottle of cologne that has been sitting in my backseat since I got the car. I don't know why I keep it there and I'm sure there is some odd underlying issue from my childhood as to why I feel like it belongs there as opposed to anywhere else, but if we tried to figure that out here I wouldn't be getting my money's worth out of my therapist. Anywhoooo, Betty Boop grabs the bottle and giggles and asks me about it.

Me: I just keep it there. You know how people are about their things *grins awkwardly*

Betty Boop: *giggles* But you should put it somewhere else, not in the backseat *opens middle compartment and puts it there*

Me: *annoyed, grabs the cologne out of compartment and puts it in backseat* I'm good, I like it back there but thanks for the suggestion

Betty Boop: *giggles, smiles and grabs cologne again* But it doesn't make sense there. this is where it belongs. Sometimes you should take the suggestions of people...to adapt! I like it here

Me: Ummmmm Nope. I'm good. Don't need to adapt in this situation. Thanks though. You can hand it back to me. I'll talk to you later.

Betty Boop: *giggles and holds on to it until I pry it from his hands* Aww sweetie we will work on that!

Me: Goodnight. 

Betty Boop got out of my car and sashayed away into the night in all his glory. Needless to say...I will not be going on date two and my cologne is still sitting in my backseat...where it shall stay until I feel like I need to move it. 

Internet Dating: 5
Fabulously Lost: 0
Rookie Mistakes: Never again....until I meet my next husband