So I have been getting into the swing of things with match.com and I have decided to completely get rid of some of the sites where people are more inclined to just be interested in hooking up. This includes getting rid of Grindr which has had its longest run on my phone of recent, a whole 4months without being deleted. (I have gotten ride of this site 8x over the last year as a "cleanser"...it will probs be back, don't lose hope in more awkward tales). But I wanted to take an "RIP" moment with all of you to discuss some of my more colorful conversations that happened on these sites, all of these never fully forming into tragic dates due to the tragic nature of the conversations.
At different times over the last few months I have talked to everyone under the sun on these mobile trollop conventions. I have tried to talk to people who are older (by more than I am willing to admit), younger, white, black, Asian, Hispanic, you name it I have accepted their conversations...even though I shouldn't have in most cases. Over the last few months there was one that went on for awhile longer than it should have and also scarred me for life. Back in November I decided that I enjoyed the idea of being a "sugar baby". I had just watched True Life: I'm a Sugar Baby and had made the decision that this could be the life for me.
(put "True Life" in front of anything and I am guaranteed to think I can be that or I am that....its like being a hypochondriac but for reality television. I convinced myself I had tourette's once just to fit in with the show. Annnnd I wonder why I'm single. )
Anywhoz, I was on the prowl for an older guy who hinted at money and a promise of taking me out on a special and fabulous date. By prowl, I mean I just needed to turn on Grindr and wait about 20min for an older man to message me with something wildly inappropriate or a compliment. A majority of these compliments would end up feeling creepy because the complements were always like "Well don't you look handsome there fellow" or "What brings a strapping young fellow like yourself on this site." These seem like harmless things but they also remind me that I am talking to someone who could possibly be old enough to be my father.
Well this fateful day Penthouse decided he was going to message me and see how I was doing. We chatted for a bit, fairly casually before he began to get a bit more aggressive. He started asking me about my favorite hot spots in Baltimore and then we began talking about New York (which quite literally may be the key to my heart. That and cheese. A convo about NY and Cheese or NY Cheese [idk what that is but it sounds good] and you may as well just get a hotel room cause I am ready to make babies)
Penthouse: I see that you were born in NY...do you like it up there?
Me: OMGZZZZZZ I lurv it up there. I want to move there soon and live and play and dance and work and just beeeee. Its my passion. The state of NY is my passion.
Penthouse: Aww that's cute. I have an apartment up there because 2 of my kids live in the city.
Me: Wow...where is your apt?
Penthouse: It's on the Upper East Side....its actually a penthouse, I bought it a few years ago and it was one of my best investments.
Me: Ha..ha..uhh...whoa. Uhh yeah I usually sleep on people's couches so I don't have to spring for a hotel
Penthouse: Well, if our date goes well...you can always use my penthouse.
(SIDE NOTE: Gotta Go My Own Way from High School Musical 2 just came on my iPod. I got rullll excited about it and I also know all the words. Its these moments I know there is no question about my sexuality or the fact I am single for a reason)
Ok...so yeah...he offered his PENTHOUSE to me within our first 2 hours of talking. He didn't even ask for durrty pictures or ask about sleeping together. This is EXACTLY how I pictured my Sugar Baby lifestyle. True Life has yet to fail in teaching me about how to become or avoid becoming many different things (I will never be a heroin addict nor will I ever have a porn addiction, BUT I do know how to come out to my parents if they happen to be from the Pacific Islands.) I was obviously intrigued by his offer and also surprised because we hadn't actually made plans for a date yet...but he was quite presumptuous.
Me: Wow...nice. Errrr what date are we going on?
Penthouse: Oh, well I guess I never officially asked you out, but I would love to take you on a special date around the city.
Me: The whole city? That seems like a very exhausting evening
Penthouse: Well I would have a car pick you up of course, I am a gentleman.
Me: Oh of course, that makes sense. That would be swell. Where do you live.
Penthouse: I own an apartment on the top floor of Eden, in Harbor East.
Me: Isn't that a roundabout way of saying you have a penthouse apartment in Harbor East
Penthouse: Yes.
All I kept seeing $$$$. HOW DID I LAND THE JACKPOT IN SUGAR DADDIES!
Me: Cool cool. You mentioned kids...were you married before?
Penthouse: Ahh this convo already. Yes I was...for 25 years.
Uhhhhhhhhhh Whaaaaaaaat?????? Now I am not a math expert or anything...BUT....being 23 and him being married for 25 years means that he had an entire marriage longer than I have been alive. At this point I started trying to psych myself back into the conversation. There was a bit of a pause...a few moments where I didn't know how to respond calmly.
Me: Ah yes, well most marriages don't last that long. Congrats...on long marriages?
Penthouse: Well it ended for obvious reasons...lol. Does me being older bother you?
Me: Pffft whaaaat? Haha noooo...does me being young bother you?
Penthouse: No...it's one of my favorite things about you other than your smile
Me: Compliments get you everywhere.
Penthouse: Everywhere? Good to know.
Me: Hehe...sooo how many kids do you have?
Penthouse: Three. 26, 24, 21.
Me: whoa...uhhh err....how old exactly are you?
Penthouse: Do you really want to know?
Me: Nah I just ask for shits and giggles. OF course I want to know.
Penthouse: I'm 57.
HOLY CRAPBAG BATMAN! I don't know what I was thinking but for some reason I had placed this man in his mid to late 40s. It wasn't until he said his children's ages that made me think twice about his age. I told him that it was a bit of a reach for me and I said "Good day Sir". I really wanted to be a Sugar Baby...but the idea of going on dates with someone who was actually older than my parents...made me second guess this choice. I really like nice things...but apparently love does know an age limit in my mind.
Over the last year their have been some interesting pick up lines as well as some interesting reactions to things I have said. Below is a compilation of both!
JohnsHop: Hey there cutie, how are you?
Me: Great...hows it going?
JohnsHop: Better now that I'm talking to you ;)
Me: Haha..nice...so do you go to John's Hopkins?
JohnsHop: Cute and quick on the uptake. Yes.
Me: Cool...what are you studying
JohnsHop: I'm studying penis' and I think you need yourself a penis doctor...
Me: Welp....I think I'm good. Mine is doing just fine. guess you'll have to find someone else.
I have to give it to him...he made me chuckle. Though I will walk out the door of whatever clinic he is a doctor at.
Lonely?: Hey are you busy?
Me: Hey...do I know you?
Lonely?: No...why would you ask that?
Me: Well asking me if I am busy seems to imply that we have talked before and you know that I am generally a busy guy.
Lonely?: Errr no...I just wanted to know if you wanted to come over and enjoy a nice bottle of Andre.
Me: As....nice?...as that offer sounds I think I am going to have to pass. I am in fact busy
Lonely?: Oh...well if you ever wanna 69 let me know.
Ummmmm what? If I ever want to 69? HOW is that a follow up to "lets enjoy a nice bottle of Andre" (a classy drank I might add.)
D4Y: Hey there fellow
Me: Hey...what does D4Y mean?
D4Y: Daddy looking for younger. You need a Daddy tonight?
Me: No...I'm good. I'm morally opposed to calling men who are not my father "daddy". Its actually kinda weird if I call him "daddy".
D4Y: Well I can be whatever you want....
Me: I think I want you to be blocked. Good Day Sir.
This is a convo I have quite often with people on the site. I usually like to point out to these people that I could be their son. I also point out that I don't feel that anyone should be called "Daddy" outside of your own father. I actually really disapprove of Usher's song "Hey Daddy" because of this (Which is a huge surprise since I would literally do anything to...er..for Usher?)
Dance4lyfe: Hey there
Me: Heyyy...I'm sorry I'm not really into younger men. You look very nice though
Dance4lyfe: That's okay. I just wanted to see if you wanted to recreate the Risky Business dance with me tonight
Me: Oh...er welp...have a good night
Dance4lyfe: Sooooo thats a definite no? Orrr should I prepare my tighty whities?
Me: I'm good. have fun.
I wasn't even offended by that one....I was intrigued. I also didn't think it would work out so well....since he resembled Tom Cruise in a very odd way, and I am not into short white men. Sorry I'm not Sorry
With that, I bid adieu to the insta-hookin' sites for a while. Worry not, I will give them a proper viking funeral...they were always flaming anyways.
Internet Dating: Transitioning
Fabulously Lost: Mourning the loss of a sometimes good friend
Grindr: RIP...2011-2012
High School Musical: ALWAYS an upper
Penthouse: Do you really want to know?
Me: Nah I just ask for shits and giggles. OF course I want to know.
Penthouse: I'm 57.
HOLY CRAPBAG BATMAN! I don't know what I was thinking but for some reason I had placed this man in his mid to late 40s. It wasn't until he said his children's ages that made me think twice about his age. I told him that it was a bit of a reach for me and I said "Good day Sir". I really wanted to be a Sugar Baby...but the idea of going on dates with someone who was actually older than my parents...made me second guess this choice. I really like nice things...but apparently love does know an age limit in my mind.
Over the last year their have been some interesting pick up lines as well as some interesting reactions to things I have said. Below is a compilation of both!
JohnsHop: Hey there cutie, how are you?
Me: Great...hows it going?
JohnsHop: Better now that I'm talking to you ;)
Me: Haha..nice...so do you go to John's Hopkins?
JohnsHop: Cute and quick on the uptake. Yes.
Me: Cool...what are you studying
JohnsHop: I'm studying penis' and I think you need yourself a penis doctor...
Me: Welp....I think I'm good. Mine is doing just fine. guess you'll have to find someone else.
I have to give it to him...he made me chuckle. Though I will walk out the door of whatever clinic he is a doctor at.
Lonely?: Hey are you busy?
Me: Hey...do I know you?
Lonely?: No...why would you ask that?
Me: Well asking me if I am busy seems to imply that we have talked before and you know that I am generally a busy guy.
Lonely?: Errr no...I just wanted to know if you wanted to come over and enjoy a nice bottle of Andre.
Me: As....nice?...as that offer sounds I think I am going to have to pass. I am in fact busy
Lonely?: Oh...well if you ever wanna 69 let me know.
Ummmmm what? If I ever want to 69? HOW is that a follow up to "lets enjoy a nice bottle of Andre" (a classy drank I might add.)
D4Y: Hey there fellow
Me: Hey...what does D4Y mean?
D4Y: Daddy looking for younger. You need a Daddy tonight?
Me: No...I'm good. I'm morally opposed to calling men who are not my father "daddy". Its actually kinda weird if I call him "daddy".
D4Y: Well I can be whatever you want....
Me: I think I want you to be blocked. Good Day Sir.
This is a convo I have quite often with people on the site. I usually like to point out to these people that I could be their son. I also point out that I don't feel that anyone should be called "Daddy" outside of your own father. I actually really disapprove of Usher's song "Hey Daddy" because of this (Which is a huge surprise since I would literally do anything to...er..for Usher?)
Dance4lyfe: Hey there
Me: Heyyy...I'm sorry I'm not really into younger men. You look very nice though
Dance4lyfe: That's okay. I just wanted to see if you wanted to recreate the Risky Business dance with me tonight
Me: Oh...er welp...have a good night
Dance4lyfe: Sooooo thats a definite no? Orrr should I prepare my tighty whities?
Me: I'm good. have fun.
I wasn't even offended by that one....I was intrigued. I also didn't think it would work out so well....since he resembled Tom Cruise in a very odd way, and I am not into short white men. Sorry I'm not Sorry
With that, I bid adieu to the insta-hookin' sites for a while. Worry not, I will give them a proper viking funeral...they were always flaming anyways.
Internet Dating: Transitioning
Fabulously Lost: Mourning the loss of a sometimes good friend
Grindr: RIP...2011-2012
High School Musical: ALWAYS an upper
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