Somewhere Over the Rainbow

I love that the month of June is Pride month (even though I wish it were during a cooler month), and that there are parades and festivals across the country. During a time like this, when change is eminent, it is good to gather, be loud, and be proud of who we are to show the world. But holy ballz Batman, if Pride were every month my liver would be shot, my body would be constantly broken, and I'd have very little memory of what goes on in life. This past weekend was, dare I say, crazier than DC Pride...for me at least. If you have been following my stories at all, you understand that there was no way that Baltimore Pride could have been tame, considering I have dated more than half of the city. (Do we like how I refer to my experiences as "dating" people...) This is my Baltimore Pride Experience, for better or worse...

 I decided for this past weekend's experience that I wanted to actually make it out during the evening and not pass out at 11pm like I did for DC Pride. I was going to stay in and get crap done the night before and then make it to Baltimore by mid-afternoon. But as we all know, I can never resist a request for a good happy hour or night out on the town. Some of my first friends from freshman year of college asked to gather, get drinks/food, and get weird. I, of course, felt the need to oblige since I am nothing if not a people pleaser. Plus, when I was a freshman they were juniors in college and they had apartments and were getting ready to be real people and closer to 21 than I was. Basically, they were super cool to me and they liked having me around, ever since then they have been the "cool kids" to me...any opportunity to be invited to their "lunch table" was always exciting.

It ended in shambles and Mexican food. We  proceeded to share rounds of shots like we had discovered the last remaining bottle of tequila on Earth and if we didn't drink it, the recent outbreak of cannibalistic zombies would eat our faces off. (Too soon?) Things get hazy, Mexican food was randomly purchased, and a cab driver took us for a tour of DC because he assumed we didn't know where we were. All of that caused a late start for this tuckered out gentleman and pushed back my arrival to the gay parade.

When I finally arrived into Baltimore at my gay bffl's place, I was ready for the rainbow festivities begin. We got a quick drank before he suggested that we walk from Harbor East to Mt. Vernon (where Pride was being held). For those of you who are unaware of Baltimore geography, that is a bitch of a walk and completely unacceptable for someone like me, who sweats...a lot. (Annnd I wonder why I am single). Almost as quickly as he suggested it, I jumped in a cab and told him and some of our friends to have an enjoyable walk and made my way with two of my lady friends to the festival of colors.

Within moments of arriving  I was accosted with several people I have "dated" over the last year. First we had Betty Boop, who literally just stared at me with his mouth open as if he'd seen a ghost. Now, I had prepped myself for the fact that it was inevitable for me to run into some of the cray crays of my past, I also practiced many reactions and faces so I wouldn't look like Betty Boop did. I gave a half smile before scurrying off into the crowd and hoped that was the worst run-in of the day. (Hahahaha, we all know I do not poses the luck of the Irish, these run-ins would only get better from here)


Baltimore Pride is like one big clusterfuck on Charles Street in between the two main gay bars in the city. Everyone was just outside, drinking, eating, drinking, dancing, drinking and being ridiculous. I ran into some old gays from high school in the process. (Shout out to my Howard County Gays!....that just felt lame to type...) Before I left for the day my mother said one thing to me:

Mama Fabulous: It would be nice if you could find someone at this event. I mean...there will be a lot of options.


Yup, its gotten to the point where my parents pity my single life. I patted her on the arm and assured her I would keep an open mind up about meeting someone. When I met up with some co-workers at the block party I told them about the  request for me to meet someone and instead of laughing at me they asked me what I would want....sooooo now everyone is over my single status. JOKES ON ME.

Co-worker: What's your ideal man, absolute perfect person.
Me: Ethnic
Co-worker: I don't know what to do with that, I need more.
Me: Tall, ethnic
Co-worker: This is why you are single. 
Me: Ughhh.... 6'-6'4", black/mixed, light eyes, more masculine than me, hunky
Co-worker: I should've guessed that. 
Me: I mean....you asked...whatever....he doesn't exist. Single foreverrrrr
Co-worker: Glad to see you aren't dramatic, I'll keep my eyes open.




After roaming around and having a god awful fruity drink, we ended up at City Cafe at the end of one of the blocks. Drinks were flowing there and it was a good place to wait out the heat. Within moments I became friends with a rando who was wearing the same J Crew shorts as me. He was a tall black man (surrrprissseeeeee) who happened to work in the same building as me. We hit it off and even took a picture together. My follow through was terrible. We didn't exchange numbers, names, or anything beyond witty banter and some drinks. Failed attempt at love #1.


It was also at this point that Baltimore Frandz decided we were only going to drink "clear" liquids for the rest of the day. This would avoid the issue of spilling fruity drinks on our outfits and feeling bloated from too much beer. This also ensured that we were all going to be...sloppy(?) by the end of the evening. Gin and tonics also seemed like the "healthiest" choice with the fewest calories. (We did everything in our power to talk ourselves into this being a good idea)


But it was a good idea....because....because....I FELL IN LOVE. It's true. I found someone at Pride! Baltimore Frandz went into Central and went to the upstairs lounge area, where I immediately ran into MIGHTY DUCK, who literally looked me up and down, turned to the queens flocking him on either side and said "There's nothing for us to see up here...let's go". How the mother effing hell did I just get dissed by someone who wore a feather suit to the bar as "high fashion." FEATHERS!

I was obviously feeling dejected and down by this display of gay prosecution and needed a drank...fast. That's when I fell in love. A 6'2" black man with a great smile made initial eyecontact with me and we started making eyes at each other from across the bar. (which means, since I was drunk, that I was probably awkwardly licking my lips and bugging my eyes out...you know...to show my love.)

(The only time Megan Fox and I will ever look similar...)

I guess my exotic mating ritual enticed this gentleman enough to walk over and start flirting it up with me. 

PrideLover: You are so beautiful, it's captivating

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA, I mean, HAHAHHAHA

PrideLover: What's so funny?

Me: Uhh...oh...you were serious. Umm...I was laughing....dropped drink.

PrideLover: You dropped your drink? Aren't you holding it in your hands?

Me: Person behind bar. And they. Thank you

PrideLover: Haha, you're adorable. Let me get you a drink.

I am not really sure how I was adorable in anything that I did there but we ended up talking for awhile going back and forth. We met each others friends and we even exchanged numbers. Outside of the slight intoxication, it's one of the most normal ways I have met someone in a long time. PrideLover even exchanged numbers with one of my bffl's while I was in the bathroom, to make sure we would end up going out on a date. 

I am most thankful for the fact that we parted ways a little bit later before he watched me scarf down jalapeno poppers like it was my job...and burning the entire roof of my mouth in the process. (because I am classy like that..). The next day he texted both me and my Baltimore bffl to make sure we had fun and confirm that he was, in fact, still interested. I had forgotten I had fallen in love, but was invigorated by the texting and fell right back into it. 

I told a couple of my friends about it and my Brazilian bffl had some choice words about my new found relationship. 

Brazilian Bffl: I give it two weeks

Me: But I have found true love 

Brazilian Bffl: You find love every week, you get bored, and you move on. I give him two weeks

Me: You are not the boss of my heart. It beats to a different drum

Brazilian Bffl: Mhmm, two weeks.

Obviously she has little faith in my ability to find a suitable suitor, but I won't let her get me down. (to be fair...my track record...well, I write a blog about the pitfalls of my dating life. Maybe she's right?) I had another friend semi-belittle the experience.

NJ Bffl: I think its so great how often you fall in love!

Me: I meann...what?

NJ Bffl: I just think its great you have so many adventures and put your all into them

Me: Adventures are my thing, check out my OkCupid profile...I write a whole section about my adventurous life style. 

(Read Also: I lie on my profile about my adventurous lifestyle)

NJ Bffl: Maybe you don't fall in LOVE but more like LUV

Me: Rude

It seems my friends can't decide if they are desperate for me to not be desperate anymore or if they have lost faith in my dating life. Maybe a little of both? Either way I have a date with PrideLover on Tuesday of next week....we will find out how long true love really lasts.

Also, Mama and Padre Fabulous decided to take in the Pride Festival in Baltimore on Sunday for Father's Day. I'd like to point out, that while this gesture is completely and totally awesome and wonderful....it sucks for me. You may ask why? Well, since they are so freakin' accepting of me and supportive, it eliminates the possibility of me writing about a dysfunctional background or having a deep dark past. I will never be a moody songwriter or have a best selling book about my life turned into a Lifetime Movie (Every gay boy can have dreams...can't he??) So thanks Parental Units, thank you for bringing me up in a totally normal home where I was allowed to be myself and you still liked me. Rude. Just ruddeee. 

Fabulously Lost: In love with a stripper and PrideLover and Straight CT (Sooo maybe friendz have a point)

Friends: Faithless heathens 

PrideLover: Unaware of what he got himself into

Parents: Accepting and Loving...and rude.

Bro's and Sisters?

I was put into an interesting predicament recently that was partially my fault. It has been a really long time since I have gone on more than one date with a person. I have become a first date connoisseur of sorts. I can tell almost instantly when it is going to fail and at what point I am going to bail. You'd think with expertise knowledge like this I would have mastered the rest of dating...but that is neither here nor there. Now this little tale is actually about how I have handled my recent excursion into the world of the unknown...also known as "Date 2 and Beyond."

I met this gentleman like I meet most of my gentlemen friends...online. We sparked a conversation up after he gave me a "high" rating of 4 out of 5 stars on OkCupid. Now, riddle me this, why did I feel that I should message this person after they decided I was ONLY worthy of 4 stars? I am obviously a 5 star stud. (Hardy har har...I mean...at least 4.5 right? RIGHT?). Anywhoz, whatever reasoning I had for accepting this date has abandoned ship and a part of me wishes I could take it back...but I will explain why in a bit. 

We went back and forth for a bit and decided to meet up for dinner and exchange numbers. He seemed like a fairly decent white guy from right outside of Baltimore, except...well...except he was a Bro. That's right, in all of his photos he was doing bro-y things like drinking beer and being rowdy and liking sports and weird stuff that makes me feel even more homosexual than I actually am. (Didn't think I could feel more homosexual...but I did). I tried to rationalize this by telling myself that maybe he will take care of me like bro's sometimes take care of their girlfriends. I like being taken care of. This was going to be a success. 

(I am constantly confused on how I am supposed to greet my male friends. Do we hug? Do we slap each others backs violently. WTF? No seriously...someone tell me..)

Broseph and I decided to meet on a Sunday evening at a pub not too far from my house. He lived on the opposite side of Baltimore so we decided to try and find something in the middle. But I lied. I didn't feel like driving too far from my house on a Sunday and I claimed that this restaurant in Catonsville was mid-way, except it was 10min from my house and 30 from his. The sick part...I felt like I had given myself the upperhand by choosing this place. He was now traveling a far distance just to see me. SEE WHAT GIVING ME 4 STARS GETS YOU?!?! (It's the little realizations that help me understand why I am single..)

He rolled in a little late since he didn't realize how far the restaurant was...not that I had any room to be upset. I had also already downed a gin and tonic so everything was gravy with me at that point. We ended up sitting and talking for a really long time. He opened up about his family and work and all that jazz. Tony Bromo was kinda boring but nice, plus he fed me a good amount of attention. I even ended up paying for dinner because I felt bad about making him drive further, though I didn't tell him. (I would make an AWFUL Mean Girl. Sorry Regina, I will not wear pink on Wednesday)

He then did something that made me want to see him again. Brofessor X kissed me in the rain as he walked me to my car. It was magical. It was like out of a movie. I was swept off my feet. So I immediately agreed to the second date and couldn't wait for the next cheesey cliche to happen. What I wasn't ready for was how to decide what I could and couldn't do between our dates. The night before our second date was the night that I met Black Bieber.  So I obviously didn't feel a dire need to be a one-man kinda guy yet. Our second date came and went with a casual lunch and museum walk. There was something amiss and I was desperately clawing at trying to figure out what was wrong with this gentleman. 

Our third date was planned for the following Sunday and we were supposed to do dinner and a movie. The Friday before our date I decide to go out dancing with some friends in Baltimore at the gay bar. The more I drink the more I want attention. Like a lot of attention. Like I want to be fawned over and desired and I will take it from anything that moves that has the dangly parts between their legs. (Surprisseeee...I'm classy).  I'm furiously texting with Han Brolo who was contemplating visiting me at the bar which is something I was obviously pushing for. 

The only person left with me at the bar was one of my best friends who is on the verge of black out. When she gets drunk she gets T-Rex arms...and does some....interesting things. I turn around to tell her about Broheim coming and T-Rex is flicking a shirtless shot-man's nipple piercings. (same thing as a shot-girl except a man...because we are gay and like men better. Duh.) As I was about to pull her back from this, a shirtless man grabbed my arm and began mackin' it with me. Not one to be a prude I obviously obliged in my altered state. A few minutes into this random sesh I get a text message from Brotastic letting me know he was about to enter the bar. 

(This perfectly describes my feelings at that moment)

I pulled away from Shirtless Man immediately and tried to explain why we had to stop mackin' it. 

Me: Hey...so this is awkward but this guy I am going on a third date with on Sunday is about to come in the bar

Shirtless Man: Your boyfriend is about to walk in the door? Wtf??

(he did actually say W-T-F, because we are apparently in h.s.)

Me: No, no. We are going on our third date on Sunday. Definitely not my boyfriend

Shirtless Man: So you two are dating?

Me: No, no. There is something missing and I am not sure what it is. I mean he smokes which is unattractive but there is something off. I'm taking the third date to figure it out. He cliche kissed me in the rain so I'm giving him points for that. I just don't know.

Shirtless Man: I just want to know if we have to stop making out...I don't care about your fucked up logic.

Me: A little harsh, but understandable. We should just be friends...you're a good kisser though. 

As I turn around to talk to T-Rex, I get a tap on the should and there is Han Brolo smiling and pulling me in for a hug. He takes me to the dance floor where we start dancing and mackin' it...almost exactly where I was dancing with Shirtless Man. I stop for a moment and notice over his shoulder that Shirtless Man is glaring at us from the other side of the room. He is slowly plunging eye daggers into Brotimus Maximus as we move back and forth interlocking lips every once in awhile. Searching for ways to fix this situation before in escalates I am given a pass out of nowhere. 

T-Rex saunters up to me and tells me she is ret-ta-go and needs to leave now. Thanking little baby Jesus I turn to my Brofriend and tell him I need to be a good friend and take her home. She tells me to wait just one more minute as she spins around and walks up to the pierced shot-man and flicks his nipple and belly button piercings one more time. Saved by the bell I return to her place and pass out wondering how I am going to deal with our next date. 

Brozilla texts me before our date on Sunday and asks me if we can do dinner and a movie at his place instead of out to save some $$$. I go back and forth for about an hour before deciding I am willing to make this trek to his house solely because I feel guilty about the other night. Things that I know about his house before I arrive: He lives with his older sister, he has lived there for a couple years, it's in the middle of nowhere outside of Baltimore. Little did I know I would be finding out exactly what was "missing" and why I couldn't fully connect to this otherwise decent human being. 

When I arrived at the house I was greeted by his sister who told me Rambro was finishing up cleaning and would be up in 5 minutes. We shared some awkward conversation and about 20min later he rose from the basement just to let me know he was going to take a 10minute shower to get fresh for me. I smiled and said it was fine and then the interactions got rulllll weird. 

Broseiden: Hey sis, are you going to start making dinner?

Sis: Yeah I was just about to get started! I am making your favorite. 

Broseiden: I can't wait! Fab, she is the best cook ever. You'll be getting a great dinner tonight! 

Sis: Oh hush! You know I love cooking for you. So sweet. 

She then pulls out a jar of Ragu sauce and pasta. Now, I am not one to be snooty or rude or look down on the way people cook, but don't tell me that this is there idea of what a good cook is. You can tell a 10 year old to put that together. Ok, ok I am now ignoring the elephant that has just entered the room. WHY THE HELL IS SHE COOKING DINNER FOR US???? (You were afraid I wasn't going to talk about it, right? Ohhh just you wait)

Immediately my mind went to Friends, like it does when I need help figuring out most of my life situations, and the date Rachel went on with the guy who was super close with his sister. I began to panic.   (Go to 2:42....its only funny when it's not happening to you) I kept telling myself that this was just a blip and that she was just cooking for us to save us time. She wasn't going to eat with us. They both know this situation is weird, right?

The answer is no. They didn't realize this was weird and she joined us for dinner and also dominated the conversation. They talked about their Mothers Day plans and their other siblings. They talked about how long they had lived together and all 2 of her ex-boyfriends. They discussed me like I wasn't really there and they discussed our future dates. Our. Future. Dates. I tried not to laugh out loud at the thought that there would be future dates after this. Once she was finished her food I guess she decided to head out and let us finish the date on our own. 

Sis: So are you guys going to watch a movie up here?

Brosie Brodonnell: Oh I don't know, we might watch up here or down in my room.

Sis: Ok, well you can watch any of my DVD's. I have all the seasons of Gilmore Girls, it's a really good show. You should check it out. 

Brosie Brodonnell: Sounds good. Thanks for the amazing dinner sis! 

Do I really need to say anything about that? Gilmore Girls? Really? Ok cool, thanks for that little nugget of information about this show. Oh but the best is yet to come. We begin watching some movie on HBO before we begin mackin' it a bit. He stops and asks if I would like to finnish the movie in his room. Being the classy lady I am, I decide to agree and see where the night takes me. 

When we get downstairs there is not a T.V. or computer in site. He basically told his sister that we would either be watching a movie or hooking up. WHO TELLS THEIR SIBLING THAT WHEN THEY ARE IN THE SAME HOUSE?!?! I am extremely close with both my brothers and we joke about our escapades at different times but we never tell each other whats going to be going down when we are in the same house. 

All of this led to me leaving dissatisfied with the date but finally satisfied with why I felt so off about this creature. To all the Bro's out there....never invite your sister on a date with you. You already have the Bro thing working against you. 

Fabulously Lost: Smart gut feeling, poor life choice maker 

Bro's: Need not apply

Shirtless Black Men: The more the merrier

Dr. Chandler Bing, The Groupon King

The first few months of being on OkCupid was like the first time I learned how to ride a bike. I fell down a lot and bruised myself but it seemed like the most fun thing in the world. (I no longer ride my bike, so I don't know if this is a good sign for me) I went on more dates than a hooker on Park Ave. It became an on going joke with a couple of my friends that all I need is the promise of some good texting and a solid dinner and I'm yours. I said "yes" to every single date I was asked out on. "Desperate? Desperate, party of one?" Ahhh yes that is me, an eager beaver...who isn't a fan of beaver.

Dr. Chandler Bing (his normal name is close to this and I imagined dating Chandler because of that) entered my life thru a slew of well written messages about life and music. He wasn't really my normal type (he was white) and he seemed intent on getting my number, which I was hesitant to do since I had fared so well with giving Stalker Dan my phone number a couple weeks prior. I soon caved when he told me he was working towards being a dentist (I'm half Jewish, so a Doctor is a good find, even in the gay world). We began incessantly texting each other and finding more things about each other and loving it. He was looking for the same thing as me! Love! Long Term Relationship! Cuddling! (we alllll like a good cuddle. gay or straight. Yes we talked about cuddling. Yes it came up before we met each other. Yes as I type that out and it seems weird to me too. I will gladly judge myself on that one)

Dr. Bing finally asked me out. He said he wanted to take me out in Baltimore and have a cute date in Little Italy. swoooooon. How could I not be terribly excited. I announced this to everyone who would listen, I contemplated sending out Save the Dates so people would remember that he and I were going to go out the next week. Everyone awkwardly listened to me as I gushed over a man who I'd never met. "His texts are so endearing. I can tell he is going to be a gentle lover" "No wonder he is going to be a dentist, he spells out all of the words in his text messages" "I can tell he must have excellent bedside manners with his patients, he always sends smiley and winky faces."....and on and on and on I went.

The day finally came where I was to meet my future boyfriend and husband, Dr. Bing. We were going to have a lovely wedding on the water. So excited to tell him all of this. I drove up to this little Italian place in the heart of Baltimore and parked my little car. I had been about 20min early, so I sat in my car and jammed out to Britney Spears, as if going on a date with another man wasn't gay enough. It was just about 7:30 when I got my shnazzed up self out of the car and began the trek to the restaurant. We had decided to meet outside and I kept looking extremely hard at peoples faces, wondering if it was him, if he held true to his photos that were on his profile. 25minutes later I was bored and my dream was fading as he finally showed up completely disheveled and slightly larger than his pictures. I'm no tiny duckling, but I also think my photos are true to form. No need to hide that sir.

We got into the restaurant and sat down and began to talk. His voice was slightly grating, but we ALL aren't perfect, right? He ordered 2 glasses of wine. For. Him. Self. (Strike 1) Then ordered a shrimp appetizer, after I had just gotten finished telling him I was allergic to shrimp. (Strike 2)  Forgiving all of this I tried to talk about the fact that we had some friends in common from college. BOOM. That was the worst thing I could have said. I was forced to listen to how he used to be a drunk RA who didn't care about his residents, he was only doing it to live on campus for free...and see the hot kids as they came to college. (shiver down my spin. Strike 3). Dr. Bing also founded a drinking fraternity at the dentistry school, which, in his words, made him the coolest and most popular guy at the school.

 As if this wasn't enough to win me over, he then started talking about how rich he was going to be. He had already picked out his graduation car that he was giving himself and the type of house he was going to buy. (Strike 4, I'm not the best at baseball but I feel like I shoulda left by now.) The only time I talked about myself, I let him know that I was really into volunteering and interested in nonprofit work. To this day I will never forget his response..."eww. So you do stuff for free? Thats not gonna get you very far in life." (Strike 1,000,000)


I told him I was ready to go and needed to go home. And this is where the zinger comes in...he gets the check and hands the woman a Groupon for the restaurant. When she brings the new check back he hands it to me and says "Hey so since I had the Groupon, you can get the rest of the check right?". . . . WHAT?!?!!? I ordered A glass of wine to your FOUR. My entire SALAD was $13 and your three course meal was $50. HOW is that even remotely okay in your mind DR. Bing?? I thought you were sooo rich. You had money coming out of your ass? You spew coolness...this isn't Bing. This. Isn't. Cool.  I said none of that and instead spent $43 on a dinner I only ate about $15 of. 


As we walked out of the restaurant he shook my hand and said "I guess I won't be getting lucky tonight?" I stared blankly and awkwardly at him until he walked away. Shock and awe.

Internet Dating: 3
Fabulously Lost: 0