Somewhere Over the Rainbow

I love that the month of June is Pride month (even though I wish it were during a cooler month), and that there are parades and festivals across the country. During a time like this, when change is eminent, it is good to gather, be loud, and be proud of who we are to show the world. But holy ballz Batman, if Pride were every month my liver would be shot, my body would be constantly broken, and I'd have very little memory of what goes on in life. This past weekend was, dare I say, crazier than DC Pride...for me at least. If you have been following my stories at all, you understand that there was no way that Baltimore Pride could have been tame, considering I have dated more than half of the city. (Do we like how I refer to my experiences as "dating" people...) This is my Baltimore Pride Experience, for better or worse...

 I decided for this past weekend's experience that I wanted to actually make it out during the evening and not pass out at 11pm like I did for DC Pride. I was going to stay in and get crap done the night before and then make it to Baltimore by mid-afternoon. But as we all know, I can never resist a request for a good happy hour or night out on the town. Some of my first friends from freshman year of college asked to gather, get drinks/food, and get weird. I, of course, felt the need to oblige since I am nothing if not a people pleaser. Plus, when I was a freshman they were juniors in college and they had apartments and were getting ready to be real people and closer to 21 than I was. Basically, they were super cool to me and they liked having me around, ever since then they have been the "cool kids" to me...any opportunity to be invited to their "lunch table" was always exciting.

It ended in shambles and Mexican food. We  proceeded to share rounds of shots like we had discovered the last remaining bottle of tequila on Earth and if we didn't drink it, the recent outbreak of cannibalistic zombies would eat our faces off. (Too soon?) Things get hazy, Mexican food was randomly purchased, and a cab driver took us for a tour of DC because he assumed we didn't know where we were. All of that caused a late start for this tuckered out gentleman and pushed back my arrival to the gay parade.

When I finally arrived into Baltimore at my gay bffl's place, I was ready for the rainbow festivities begin. We got a quick drank before he suggested that we walk from Harbor East to Mt. Vernon (where Pride was being held). For those of you who are unaware of Baltimore geography, that is a bitch of a walk and completely unacceptable for someone like me, who sweats...a lot. (Annnd I wonder why I am single). Almost as quickly as he suggested it, I jumped in a cab and told him and some of our friends to have an enjoyable walk and made my way with two of my lady friends to the festival of colors.

Within moments of arriving  I was accosted with several people I have "dated" over the last year. First we had Betty Boop, who literally just stared at me with his mouth open as if he'd seen a ghost. Now, I had prepped myself for the fact that it was inevitable for me to run into some of the cray crays of my past, I also practiced many reactions and faces so I wouldn't look like Betty Boop did. I gave a half smile before scurrying off into the crowd and hoped that was the worst run-in of the day. (Hahahaha, we all know I do not poses the luck of the Irish, these run-ins would only get better from here)


Baltimore Pride is like one big clusterfuck on Charles Street in between the two main gay bars in the city. Everyone was just outside, drinking, eating, drinking, dancing, drinking and being ridiculous. I ran into some old gays from high school in the process. (Shout out to my Howard County Gays!....that just felt lame to type...) Before I left for the day my mother said one thing to me:

Mama Fabulous: It would be nice if you could find someone at this event. I mean...there will be a lot of options.


Yup, its gotten to the point where my parents pity my single life. I patted her on the arm and assured her I would keep an open mind up about meeting someone. When I met up with some co-workers at the block party I told them about the  request for me to meet someone and instead of laughing at me they asked me what I would want....sooooo now everyone is over my single status. JOKES ON ME.

Co-worker: What's your ideal man, absolute perfect person.
Me: Ethnic
Co-worker: I don't know what to do with that, I need more.
Me: Tall, ethnic
Co-worker: This is why you are single. 
Me: Ughhh.... 6'-6'4", black/mixed, light eyes, more masculine than me, hunky
Co-worker: I should've guessed that. 
Me: I mean....you asked...whatever....he doesn't exist. Single foreverrrrr
Co-worker: Glad to see you aren't dramatic, I'll keep my eyes open.




After roaming around and having a god awful fruity drink, we ended up at City Cafe at the end of one of the blocks. Drinks were flowing there and it was a good place to wait out the heat. Within moments I became friends with a rando who was wearing the same J Crew shorts as me. He was a tall black man (surrrprissseeeeee) who happened to work in the same building as me. We hit it off and even took a picture together. My follow through was terrible. We didn't exchange numbers, names, or anything beyond witty banter and some drinks. Failed attempt at love #1.


It was also at this point that Baltimore Frandz decided we were only going to drink "clear" liquids for the rest of the day. This would avoid the issue of spilling fruity drinks on our outfits and feeling bloated from too much beer. This also ensured that we were all going to be...sloppy(?) by the end of the evening. Gin and tonics also seemed like the "healthiest" choice with the fewest calories. (We did everything in our power to talk ourselves into this being a good idea)


But it was a good idea....because....because....I FELL IN LOVE. It's true. I found someone at Pride! Baltimore Frandz went into Central and went to the upstairs lounge area, where I immediately ran into MIGHTY DUCK, who literally looked me up and down, turned to the queens flocking him on either side and said "There's nothing for us to see up here...let's go". How the mother effing hell did I just get dissed by someone who wore a feather suit to the bar as "high fashion." FEATHERS!

I was obviously feeling dejected and down by this display of gay prosecution and needed a drank...fast. That's when I fell in love. A 6'2" black man with a great smile made initial eyecontact with me and we started making eyes at each other from across the bar. (which means, since I was drunk, that I was probably awkwardly licking my lips and bugging my eyes out...you know...to show my love.)

(The only time Megan Fox and I will ever look similar...)

I guess my exotic mating ritual enticed this gentleman enough to walk over and start flirting it up with me. 

PrideLover: You are so beautiful, it's captivating

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA, I mean, HAHAHHAHA

PrideLover: What's so funny?

Me: Uhh...oh...you were serious. Umm...I was laughing....dropped drink.

PrideLover: You dropped your drink? Aren't you holding it in your hands?

Me: Person behind bar. And they. Thank you

PrideLover: Haha, you're adorable. Let me get you a drink.

I am not really sure how I was adorable in anything that I did there but we ended up talking for awhile going back and forth. We met each others friends and we even exchanged numbers. Outside of the slight intoxication, it's one of the most normal ways I have met someone in a long time. PrideLover even exchanged numbers with one of my bffl's while I was in the bathroom, to make sure we would end up going out on a date. 

I am most thankful for the fact that we parted ways a little bit later before he watched me scarf down jalapeno poppers like it was my job...and burning the entire roof of my mouth in the process. (because I am classy like that..). The next day he texted both me and my Baltimore bffl to make sure we had fun and confirm that he was, in fact, still interested. I had forgotten I had fallen in love, but was invigorated by the texting and fell right back into it. 

I told a couple of my friends about it and my Brazilian bffl had some choice words about my new found relationship. 

Brazilian Bffl: I give it two weeks

Me: But I have found true love 

Brazilian Bffl: You find love every week, you get bored, and you move on. I give him two weeks

Me: You are not the boss of my heart. It beats to a different drum

Brazilian Bffl: Mhmm, two weeks.

Obviously she has little faith in my ability to find a suitable suitor, but I won't let her get me down. (to be fair...my track record...well, I write a blog about the pitfalls of my dating life. Maybe she's right?) I had another friend semi-belittle the experience.

NJ Bffl: I think its so great how often you fall in love!

Me: I meann...what?

NJ Bffl: I just think its great you have so many adventures and put your all into them

Me: Adventures are my thing, check out my OkCupid profile...I write a whole section about my adventurous life style. 

(Read Also: I lie on my profile about my adventurous lifestyle)

NJ Bffl: Maybe you don't fall in LOVE but more like LUV

Me: Rude

It seems my friends can't decide if they are desperate for me to not be desperate anymore or if they have lost faith in my dating life. Maybe a little of both? Either way I have a date with PrideLover on Tuesday of next week....we will find out how long true love really lasts.

Also, Mama and Padre Fabulous decided to take in the Pride Festival in Baltimore on Sunday for Father's Day. I'd like to point out, that while this gesture is completely and totally awesome and wonderful....it sucks for me. You may ask why? Well, since they are so freakin' accepting of me and supportive, it eliminates the possibility of me writing about a dysfunctional background or having a deep dark past. I will never be a moody songwriter or have a best selling book about my life turned into a Lifetime Movie (Every gay boy can have dreams...can't he??) So thanks Parental Units, thank you for bringing me up in a totally normal home where I was allowed to be myself and you still liked me. Rude. Just ruddeee. 

Fabulously Lost: In love with a stripper and PrideLover and Straight CT (Sooo maybe friendz have a point)

Friends: Faithless heathens 

PrideLover: Unaware of what he got himself into

Parents: Accepting and Loving...and rude.

My 5 Hour Boyfriend...

When we were younger my brothers and I got along fairly well with our parents as well as each other. Our parents were fairly liberal in the sense that we were allowed to date pretty much whenever we wanted (Heathens! Its why I'm gay now...I dated too many girls too early on. Used up all my heterosexuality by the time I was 7. Hookin' knows no age) My older brother famously always had a girlfriend from the time we were young up until he met his current girlfriend (They've been together a bajillion years at this point. When I was 18 I talked to him about how I wasn't comfortable with his dating her so seriously because I had commitment issues. Everything is about me obviously)

He had, what I would like to think is, the shortest relationship in the history of relationships when we were in middle school. He dated a girl from 1st period - the bus ride home. I'm sure it stung, but I topped his short relationship on a recent evening out with a gentleman. This is a story of the time I had a beginning, middle, and end of a relationship within the span of 5 hours.

I'm sure you can tell there is a certain pattern I go through before I go on a date with someone. We message, I fall in love, we meet and I fall out of love and onto my face, much like when Lucy pulls the football out right before Charlie Brown kicks it.

Every once in a while I go on a date purely out of self pity and I am not terribly into the person. Its like when you pity sleep with someone because you don't want to sleep alone and you also know they are super into you so you feel better about yourself. You do that right? That's...like...a thing, right? Well anyways, I decided to meet up with this guy for dinner and drinks in the hopes of having a little company and maybe a free dinner.

We met at a little place in Fells Point for dinner and then planned to go to drinks at one of the surrounding bars. When I arrived at dinner he was already sitting there and I was mildly impressed because he  seemed more attractive than his pictures. This is where my crazy started setting in. I hadn't planned on it coming to dinner...I thought I was stronger than it this time around. I had decided to go on this date just for attention. He was supposed to be crazy...not me. Hot damnnnn this isn't going to be pretty for anyone. 


When I say crazy showed up, I mean that I let my mind wander to the things I always tell it not to wander to. I'm the type of person who always says that I want to be dropped into the middle of the relationship. I will gladly forgo all of the dating formalities and would like to find myself with someone, sitting on our couch, quietly bickering over whether to watch "The Bachelor" or "Real Housewives of Atlanta" (Cahmm ahhnnn who doesn't watch those hot tranny messes. And when I say Tranny I am looking at you NeNe). So when I saw this guy I started planning how we were going to afford a three bedroom house and two car payments on our salaries. THAT'S the type of crazy I am talking about.

Rico Suave seemed to feel the same way about me too. When we sat down we started bonding over the most random things and deciding it was fate.

Rico Suave: What kind of music do you listen to?
Me: Right now my obsession is Adele but I also really like Maroon 5.
Rico Suave: OMG me too! She is fierce and Adam Levine is just hot
Me: *Mouth agape* Are you kidding?? We are on the same page? Perfect!

Now I don't mean to burst past "Me's" little bubble but I haven't met a gay man yet who hasn't really enjoyed Adele's depressing album or who hasn't noticed that Adam Levine is one of the most lick-able men out there. (Yup I did just say lick-able, and I stand by it. I would if I could and you would too) This isn't exactly something to write home about in the grand scheme of things, but I did start thinking about how we could dance around to Maroon 5 in our Calvin Klein underwear (I have a very specific dream, down to underwear....)on Saturdays and then we could cry to Adele on Sunday evenings when the weekend was over.

Rico Suave and I talked for a really long time and then things got serious. He started talking about kids and how many he wanted and what he wanted to name them and where he wanted to raise them and what kind of house he wanted for them and...and...WHOA. I was slapped in the face with my own mental craziness. Rico Suave had this fire in his eyes that I was becoming panicked over. Was this really someone I could be with forever? How could he want to name his child Daisy? What kind of monster is he?


After I took a couple breaths and got over the name debacle of 2011, I rejoined the date with vigor and tried to build off of his excitement. He then stated how he was ready to have a boyfriend, which is something I am on board with. I basically decided we were now boyfriends and I'm pretty sure he did as well. Mind you, this was all before our crab dip had arrived. (Haha single people! I have mastered a relationship in the matter of an hour! Suck it bitchesss) 

We were holding hands across the table and the waitress gave us the "Omgz, you guys are a gay couple! loves it! I'm such a Grace" look when she finally brought over our crab dip. Then we started to disagree on things like what to get for dinner and if we were going to share. It was a little bickering but not too much. (This is normal right? You start dating after 45min and then you start to bicker like a married couple?) We decided to just get different things and then bond over dessert, which I would let him choose since I am not a big dessert person. I'm such a nice person...I know.

We decided to go to Central for drinks after dinner since we both had friends there. This is where things become a little hazy between what is normal and what isn't normal for a first date. (I know, I know...starting a relationship an hour after meeting someone...kinda a little Kardashian and the epitome of abnormal! But hey...neediness does wonders on your self worth.) When we got there I made an immediate beeline for my friends in their normal spot, which is where Rico Suave began to show his jealous side.

Rico Suave: Baby, who are these men? Why are you talking to them.
Me: Ummm remember when we said we were meeting our friends here? These are what I like to call my friends.
Rico Suave: As long as you didn't plan a second date for the evening with one of these men. 


HA! I like that he thinks I could plan two dates in one evening...that's saying OkCupid has produced  two solid dates to fill one evening. Also...why would I waste two dates on one night, spread that shizzz out. ALSO, I am not that clever...I am many things but smooth enough to pull off two dates in one evening is not something I could do without looking like I was attempting to be part of the Three Stooges.

About an hour later, and three Belvedere and Waters deep (don't judge me...I like to hydrate myself as I get intoxicated. BOOM, logic), I started dancing like Shakira with Rico Suave. One of my friends decided we should all dance together and things got c-c-crrrrazy, with Rico Suave storming off and me following him outside.

Rico Suave: You are on another date with him aren't you. How could you do this to me? We were doing so well after our last fight. 
Me: No..I swear! He is just a friend, the other guy is his boyfriend!
Rico Suave: I don't know what to believe anymore. I feel like I don't know you anymore. 
Me: Well, to be fair this is our first date...
Rico Suave: There you go making jokes at my expense


Drunk me decided it was time to go home. Even in my glorious haze of alcohol, I knew maybe the time for the date to be over was now. I realized that our relationship had played its course...we were only meant to be together 5 hours. Rico Suave drove me home (he was sober, which makes the above exchanges that much weirder. even for me...) As he dropped me off he officially broke up with me.

Rico Suave: I think we should see other people. We could have been great...


I got out of the car and realized that I had just been out crazy-ed. How is this a real situation? Why do I always find myself in these situations. We cycled through an entire relationship and I was exhausted. I took a couple weeks off from going out on dates to breathe. I needed to mourn our relationship.

Internet Dating: 7.5
Fabulously Lost: .5 (that sort of counts as a win, right?)
Shakira: 2
Water: Solid mixer, good for combating hangover