Just Your Average Phoebe Buffay...

You know how how it always seems like there is some sort of formula that goes into making a successful T.V. show? Friends was always one of my favorite shows and it is one of the most formulaic shows out there. You have the neurotic one, the sarcastic one, the beautiful one, the dumb one, the nerdy one, and the kooky weird one. The reason it works so well is because everyone connects with one of the characters, and up until recently I thought, for sure, that I was the sarcastic one. I thought I was Chandler. I wanted to be Chandler. Unfortunately, I just figured out I'm more of a Phoebe.

I discovered this a couple weeks ago when I was taking stock of my life as I flitted between DC, VA, and Baltimore. I was planning my weekends and focusing on boozy brunches, bar crawls, and birthday extravaganza's. All of my events revolved around my single friends and our mutual singledom. Then I received a wedding invitation from a good friend of mine from H.S. and was given the opportunity to bring a date. (HAHAHA...a plus one is a lovely thing...or a reason to sign up for more therapy sessions.) It's then that I started to realize that maybe I wasn't Chandler anymore. 

A couple days later the same friend invited me over to dinner at his new townhouse outside of Baltimore. I was a bit hesitant at first, mainly because I found out it was going to be my friend, his fiance, our other best friend from high school, her husband, and me. It was at that point that I realized that I am the Kooky Drunk Single Friend.

(Sorry guyz....this may be me)

Now, you may be asking what it means to be the KDSF (I feel like the abbreviation is what you would find in a "personal ad"...I'll take it?). Basically it means that you have to have crazy drunken tales, go on outrageous dates, have many failed but humorous relationships, and be a generally unreal person. See, I constantly forget that I am the KDSF because I hang out with so many other KDSF (you know who you are...drinks this weekend?). Just when I am forgetting, I am smacked with that reality when Married Friends ask to hang out and go to dinner or do other Married Friend things. (These things aren't different than doing things with single friends, but they are usually done in pairs....and I am not a pair). 

Being a gay KDSF brings a whole different angle to this normal dynamic. Back in the day, Sex in the City did a whole episode on how difficult it was to be the single friend when you were surrounded by tons of other couples. When you are gay though, there is extra scrutiny put on you because you are far more fascinating...you are like a fucking unicorn. Now, don't get me wrong, I love being the unicorn (literally and figuratively). If you haven't noticed, I love being the center of the conversation with undivided attention. It's because people, especially Married Friends, don't normally have gay single (or coupled) friends who come over with stories. It's all the more interesting....I guess. 

Anywhoz, (Almost) Married Friends invited me over for a dinner and I knew I was going to be the only single one. I had to prepare myself and think of good stories to tell and also make sure I didn't come across like my life was too much of a mess...(surprisingly hard to do). 

I made my way to their house (fashionably late... and actually early in gay time) with a bottle of wine in hand and my thoughts on trying to be a classy gentleman. As soon as I  arrived, the idea of being classy went out the door. You see, the last time I had hung out with all of them I had decided not to drink and just relax. I was chastised and they were genuinely disappointed in my lack of alcohol consumption. I thought I could get by on my winning good looks (HA!) and personality, but it turns out I am wildly more entertaining after a few glasses of wine. 

So I sat down and was immediately handed a glass of wine and they began asking me questions about life. 

Married Friends: So, tell us about everything? What's going on? Who are you bringing to the wedding? Are you dating anyone?

Me: WHOA! Third degree! I am bringing British Cowgirl. I am single and mingling right now. No special lad for this guy. 

Married Friends: Ugh, tell us stories. Are you not drunk enough?

Me: I can be fun without alcohol! 

Married Friends: Yeah, but more fun with it! 

(btw British Cowgirl went to h.s. in England and thinks she is a country girl because she is attracted to cowboy type men...there is no joke, just facts. It's becoming contagious...)

They didn't say that exactly, but it was implied....it.was.IM.PLIED. They guilted me into having another glass of wine before the male half of the engaged couple, and the one who was my h.s. friend, decided to challenge me. 

Engaged Friend: I drank more than you last time, I can drink more than you this time. 

Me: You don't want to do this, you really don't. 

Engaged Friend: No, seriously! What has happened to you? I can definitely drink more than you, I went to college. 

Me: When was the last time you got drunk?

Engaged Friend: I don't know...I don't keep track of that. 

Me: Oh, well, I got drunk 2 days ago. I think I can hold my own. 

Engaged Friend: Then lets go for it.

And that was the beginning of the end. We went drink for drink. We went from wine to rum. Before we knew it the night was over. We had laughed our way through most of dinner as I recounted my unreal, but very true life stories and my life as a part-time serial dater. The actual Married Friends had to leave around 1030/11 and the drinks kept flowing, then out of nowhere Engaged Friend hit a wall. He began getting violently ill and continued to do so for about an hour and a half. Somewhere in all of that I passed out on the floor and was generously woken up and shown the way to the guest bedroom. 

As I slipped out the next morning and drove home, I began thinking about how easily I had fallen into the KDSF ways. I wasn't disappointed in any of it, I had an amazing time and wouldn't mind doing it again. Although, I think I am still trying to figure out how to transition into becoming one of the coupled friends and move out of this Kooky Drunk Single Friend role that I have perfected. Until that happens, I think I will continue out drinking Married Friends and living this ridiculous thing called life...because everything is more fun when you are living life looking for your next adventure.

Fabulously Lost: You can call me Princess Counsuela Banana-hammock 

Married Friends: A riot in their own way...and terrible at drinking contests 

Friends: Best show from the 90s 

Marriage???

Alright, so I know that there has been a lot going on in the last 72 hours dealing with gay marriage and I decided I wanted in on the discussion. I feel like it is kinda like the massive elephant in the room if I don't discuss it, since all of my posts thus far have been about me trying to find "The One." But I want to take it a completely different way than you might think that I am going to take this post. Obviously I am for gay marriage and I shed several tears when Obama-rama decided to support gay marriage....

(Okay...so maybe I felt a little bit like Sally Fields...)

I'd rather give you all the reasons why I think you should let me marry whoever I'd like, besides the fact that it's basic human rights. Plus, my decision to marry will not stop the dysfunctional heterosexual marriages occurring on Teen Mom. (Pinky promise I will continue to let this happen if this is the last thing I do...)

Soooo let's get started shall we?

1. I will have the most fabulous wedding known to (wo)man.

          Did this not occur to anyone? How wonderful weddings will be if the gay's had a crack at them? You honestly think the Royal Wedding has anything on my wedding? There will be doves and live bands  (yes multiple bands) and it will be the biggest thing to hit whatever city I am residing in. 

          I wholeheartedly plan on getting married during one of the coldest months of the year because I suffer from...from...sweat. I have mentioned this before that I am someone who sweats when I exert the slightest bit of effort. (During Snowpocalypse '10 I walked about half a mile and had to begin stripping because I was sweating. IN. A. BLIZZARD) So the wedding industry, which has its lull in the winter, will have new life breathed into it when I get married. This wedding will be a winter wonderland of epic proportions and I plan on having everyone I know there. I tell people all the time that I am not sure if I want a small intimate wedding or a medium sized one...and thats a bunch of bullshit. If I could televise my wedding I would. I have no shame and I am a little bit vain. (shut it...I am admitting to being a little vain, let me have a moment). I won't be a Groomzilla, but there are things that I have been dreaming about doing for some time. 

           The only thing I have set in stone is that my two brothers will be my best men and I know what song I want to dance with my mother to. (I know...I'm a horrible person! I can see why people don't want me to get married. Having my FAMILY be the most important part in my wedding....disgusting)

2. I want to be the Angelina Jolie of the Gays.

          Now, I have a hard time admitting to this because I am on Team Jen (yes that is still going on in my mind and I will always stand up for Rachel Green), but Angelina is such a frickin' good person in all other areas of her life. I mean the woman isn't the best actress in the world but she has adopted most of Africa...how can you hate on that? 

           You may be asking what this has to do with gay marriage and in my mind it has everything to do with gay marriage. I am someone who believes it is better to have two parents than one. This in no way puts down single parents, I have so much admiration for them, but wouldn't it be a little easier to have a partner in the situation? So for me, I want to be married before I start exploring the option of children. At this moment in time, depending on the state I live in (I'm side-eying you, southern states) this would mean that I would never be allowed to become the Angelina Jolie of the Gays. 

             I want to be able to adopt some of the kids from Africa that Angelina can't get to. It's gotta be a burden on her shoulders to have the world wondering when you are going to take on another country or continent of people in need. That's where I come in! I am young and full of life and ready. 

(THESE ARE MONSTERS!!! It looks like they are trying to read a newspaper to her. DON'T THEY KNOW PRINT MEDIA IS DEAD!!!! She will surely be behind in school now.)

3. The Bible told you to let me...

       Wait...what?? HOW in the WORLD does this make sense?? (I must be on crack! GAY crack!) But in all seriousness...yeah the Bible told you so. 

        I grew up in a fairly religious household where we went to church most Sundays and attended Sunday School and got confirmed and volunteered with them and made a difference in my community. I never went up in flames stepping in the church for being gay and I was never forced to leave after I came out (which I did publicly at my church in 2006). Now, I have had my spats with religion and I still have some issues that I am working out, as any 20-something does, but I was taught the same thing from the time I was little until now.  It's the basis of most religions actually:

³⁴ “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another."

It doesn't say "love everyone but the gays" and it doesn't say "As I have loved you...but not you gays you're shit outta luck, everyone else I still love ya. HUGS." So how are you showing me any love, like GOD told you to, if you don't allow me to experience the highs, lows, and everything in between of marriage. 

4. I'd like to have the option to divorce...

         (I might be on gay crack....) Don't you think the Lifetime Movie Network needs some new ideas? I think it would be riveting television to watch the demise of a gay marriage on television on the most dramatic network. If I ever get divorced (which I won't cause I...well just cause, rude.) it is going to be just as epic as my wedding. I want it splashed on the tabloids and for it to make it into every blog and magazine known to man. I want the divorce itself to make me money because of the exclusive headlines. I am obviously going to either be independently wealthy or marry into wealth, so it will be messy with no prenup. 

           Does this sound ridiculous? I mean...I am a little fabulous, so this makes a little bit of sense, but isn't this what we have been taught. We keep discussing how Kim Kardashian had a 72 day marriage and made millions, Britney Spears was married and divorced inside of 55hrs, and Kelsey Grammar broke up his 15 year marriage over the phone. We talk about if these people can get divorces, then the gays should be allowed to get married? Why can't we all experience this lovely depiction of marriage and divorce?

             OR....let's all stop discussing all of the horrible things heterosexual couples have done for marriage and comparing it to how gay's should have the right to marry. I don't give a flying flip what a heterosexual couple does with their money, with their marriage, or with their families... All I want is the right to experience all of that as a married person. I want the option to marry, divorce, remarry, or stay single. 

Those are just  a few of the reasons why I want to get married...or want the opportunity to. I am a fabulous 20-something gay man with big dreams for my wedding and hopefully one day I will be able to share it with all of you. 

Fabulously Lost: Still single...don't worry kids

Obama: Grew a pair in the last year. Woot woot! 

Gay Marriage: One rainbow away from bringing this economy back on its toes

Gay Divorce: One broken rainbow away from a Lifetime Movie 

Jesus: Best Surprise Cameo in a Gay Blog