Just Your Average Phoebe Buffay...

You know how how it always seems like there is some sort of formula that goes into making a successful T.V. show? Friends was always one of my favorite shows and it is one of the most formulaic shows out there. You have the neurotic one, the sarcastic one, the beautiful one, the dumb one, the nerdy one, and the kooky weird one. The reason it works so well is because everyone connects with one of the characters, and up until recently I thought, for sure, that I was the sarcastic one. I thought I was Chandler. I wanted to be Chandler. Unfortunately, I just figured out I'm more of a Phoebe.

I discovered this a couple weeks ago when I was taking stock of my life as I flitted between DC, VA, and Baltimore. I was planning my weekends and focusing on boozy brunches, bar crawls, and birthday extravaganza's. All of my events revolved around my single friends and our mutual singledom. Then I received a wedding invitation from a good friend of mine from H.S. and was given the opportunity to bring a date. (HAHAHA...a plus one is a lovely thing...or a reason to sign up for more therapy sessions.) It's then that I started to realize that maybe I wasn't Chandler anymore. 

A couple days later the same friend invited me over to dinner at his new townhouse outside of Baltimore. I was a bit hesitant at first, mainly because I found out it was going to be my friend, his fiance, our other best friend from high school, her husband, and me. It was at that point that I realized that I am the Kooky Drunk Single Friend.

(Sorry guyz....this may be me)

Now, you may be asking what it means to be the KDSF (I feel like the abbreviation is what you would find in a "personal ad"...I'll take it?). Basically it means that you have to have crazy drunken tales, go on outrageous dates, have many failed but humorous relationships, and be a generally unreal person. See, I constantly forget that I am the KDSF because I hang out with so many other KDSF (you know who you are...drinks this weekend?). Just when I am forgetting, I am smacked with that reality when Married Friends ask to hang out and go to dinner or do other Married Friend things. (These things aren't different than doing things with single friends, but they are usually done in pairs....and I am not a pair). 

Being a gay KDSF brings a whole different angle to this normal dynamic. Back in the day, Sex in the City did a whole episode on how difficult it was to be the single friend when you were surrounded by tons of other couples. When you are gay though, there is extra scrutiny put on you because you are far more fascinating...you are like a fucking unicorn. Now, don't get me wrong, I love being the unicorn (literally and figuratively). If you haven't noticed, I love being the center of the conversation with undivided attention. It's because people, especially Married Friends, don't normally have gay single (or coupled) friends who come over with stories. It's all the more interesting....I guess. 

Anywhoz, (Almost) Married Friends invited me over for a dinner and I knew I was going to be the only single one. I had to prepare myself and think of good stories to tell and also make sure I didn't come across like my life was too much of a mess...(surprisingly hard to do). 

I made my way to their house (fashionably late... and actually early in gay time) with a bottle of wine in hand and my thoughts on trying to be a classy gentleman. As soon as I  arrived, the idea of being classy went out the door. You see, the last time I had hung out with all of them I had decided not to drink and just relax. I was chastised and they were genuinely disappointed in my lack of alcohol consumption. I thought I could get by on my winning good looks (HA!) and personality, but it turns out I am wildly more entertaining after a few glasses of wine. 

So I sat down and was immediately handed a glass of wine and they began asking me questions about life. 

Married Friends: So, tell us about everything? What's going on? Who are you bringing to the wedding? Are you dating anyone?

Me: WHOA! Third degree! I am bringing British Cowgirl. I am single and mingling right now. No special lad for this guy. 

Married Friends: Ugh, tell us stories. Are you not drunk enough?

Me: I can be fun without alcohol! 

Married Friends: Yeah, but more fun with it! 

(btw British Cowgirl went to h.s. in England and thinks she is a country girl because she is attracted to cowboy type men...there is no joke, just facts. It's becoming contagious...)

They didn't say that exactly, but it was implied....it.was.IM.PLIED. They guilted me into having another glass of wine before the male half of the engaged couple, and the one who was my h.s. friend, decided to challenge me. 

Engaged Friend: I drank more than you last time, I can drink more than you this time. 

Me: You don't want to do this, you really don't. 

Engaged Friend: No, seriously! What has happened to you? I can definitely drink more than you, I went to college. 

Me: When was the last time you got drunk?

Engaged Friend: I don't know...I don't keep track of that. 

Me: Oh, well, I got drunk 2 days ago. I think I can hold my own. 

Engaged Friend: Then lets go for it.

And that was the beginning of the end. We went drink for drink. We went from wine to rum. Before we knew it the night was over. We had laughed our way through most of dinner as I recounted my unreal, but very true life stories and my life as a part-time serial dater. The actual Married Friends had to leave around 1030/11 and the drinks kept flowing, then out of nowhere Engaged Friend hit a wall. He began getting violently ill and continued to do so for about an hour and a half. Somewhere in all of that I passed out on the floor and was generously woken up and shown the way to the guest bedroom. 

As I slipped out the next morning and drove home, I began thinking about how easily I had fallen into the KDSF ways. I wasn't disappointed in any of it, I had an amazing time and wouldn't mind doing it again. Although, I think I am still trying to figure out how to transition into becoming one of the coupled friends and move out of this Kooky Drunk Single Friend role that I have perfected. Until that happens, I think I will continue out drinking Married Friends and living this ridiculous thing called life...because everything is more fun when you are living life looking for your next adventure.

Fabulously Lost: You can call me Princess Counsuela Banana-hammock 

Married Friends: A riot in their own way...and terrible at drinking contests 

Friends: Best show from the 90s 

Gaycation

Real Talk: I have been trying to write this post for like a week now, but life got in the way and there were some speed bumps. Sorry bout it.

More Real Talk: I am currently watching "Hoarders: Buried Alive." There is a gay man who is on here and I am astonished for multiple reasons: 1. Gay men are too fabulous for real people problems. (It's just a fact. I don't make the rules) 2. He has mentioned his Gucci shoes three times in the first 20 minutes....he is in the MIDDLE of a show exposing his mental illness and that bitty needs to let people know he's got fancy shoes. PROPS.

Ok, lets get to the damn story already! So last week I was on vacation with the fam in the little beach town we have been vacationing in since before I was born, Ogunquit, ME. What is so terrific about this town is that it likes to call itself the Provincetown of Maine. For those of you who don't understand what that means, basically its just a super gay artsy town. (Yes. My parents have been frickin' liberal as crap since before I was born. Yes, they were okay with the gays back then. I am the least angst filled person to walk this rainbow filled world.)

Since I was an anti-gay gay up until a couple years ago, this was the first time I was going to Ogunquit as a proud glitter card carrying member of the community. I was uber-excited to see how things were going to pan out and see how my family would react to the new level of fabulousness that I was going to spew on them as we spent seven days in a 3 bedroom apartment. As the trip began we spent several days laying on the beach and soaking up the rays, sporadically making trips to the gym and walking along the beach. My favorite thing about the beach there is that as you are walking along and see all the lovely families and people playing games, there is an imaginary wall that you hit at some point and then its like you have entered a city that only has men living there. Tons of men in varying sizes of bathing suits playing their own types of games and giving off all sorts of wonderful and happy vibes. (I.was.in.heaven.)

Day two of the vacation I walk into the Village Mart and I was accosted by signs for all of the events that are happening in Ogunquit through out the summer. The thing that stood out the most was a sign for a drag show at one of the many gay bars in town. I began to tweaking. Like bugging out. I took photos of it and started emailing to my family. (I am still confused at why I acted like I found leprechaun's gold, being that I was in the land of rainbows). My older brothers girlfriend (Yes the practically married brother) has very similar feelings towards drag queens that I do and immediately decided we needed to incorporate this outing into our trip. What was even better was both of my brothers were completely down for venturing into the land of the unknown, seeing as the older broseph hasn't been to a gay bar in quite some time and the younger one had yet to ever walk into one. What better way to bring them into my world than with a little drag?

(She has NOTHING to do with this post. I got ADD and started looking up drag queens and had to share. Aren't you GLAAD I did? Get it...get what I did there?)

Well by the time the drag show was descending upon us I was all in a hizzy. I made sure to buy a completely new outfit, down to brand spankin' new Calvin Klein under garments (Just like Marty McFly!). I was acting like I had just come out and this was my big debut to the world. Which was amusing because as soon as we got to the bar, I was "too cool" and decided to take care of my "naive" brothers, who are fine fending for themselves. As soon as I had my signature gin and tonic in hand I was ret-to-go! 

The show was fabulous. She was really terrific and all over the place and was HIGHsterical. Since she was the only woman in the show, she would periodically take breaks and do trivia. Joanna would call random people on stage to compete against each other for random prizes. I thought it would be fun (read: I was drunk and giggled to myself) to point at my older brother flamboyantly in order to get him up on stage. "HA HA HA....look at the straight trivia master! We should have him compete! Dance Monkey, dance!" -- It's what I was thinking, not necessarily saying. Well, little did I know my flamboyant foils were turned against me and I was called on stage.

Now, based off of the outrageousness of most of my life, you might think that getting on a stage in front of a group of gay men, straight women, and some variation of that might sound like a good time to me. Normally you would be correct...but you are DEAD wrong here. I am terrible attrivia and I am not just saying that. I am the worst person to have on your trivia team...I become like Mitt Romney talking to poor people...silent and perplexed. I forget everything from my name to how many Britney albums are currently available for purchase. (That hurt to type...but it's true).

Anywhoz, I saunter up there trying to figure out my plan of attack and just as I reached the stage I went completely blank. Joanna began asking questions and I tried to buzz in (which was with a rubber chicken...we had to "choke the chicken" to buzz in. SUPER family friendly show) but failed miserably. I failed so badly that I was called out for being so horrible. I attempted to make jokes with the audience. My feeble attempts seemed win over enough people, that as I was leaving the stage I got several high fives and a few hugs...despite answering nothing right. 

After the show had finished, my little group made our way to the deck bar and began drinkin' dranks and chatting it up with some of the locals. I became besties with the young cute bartender (Shockkker) and found out his life story (double shockerrr). Then this cute lesbian couple came barreling out with a fairly attractive Vermont (VT) Mountain Man who was right behind them. They complimented me on my ineptness and shared a few drinks and laughs with us. 

(Not actually him...but definitely not far off...)

After a gin and tonic or two, we all can assume that I am more prone to fall in love...and boy did I. I side-eyed my brothers as they tried to interrupt and even kept VT away from his friends. Slowly, his friends decided to leave and then my brothers and the bro's lady decided it was time for them to leave. 

Bros: We're leaving...lets go.

Me: I'll walk home thank you very much. 

Bros: Umm...it's like a mile and a half back, and there are no cabs. 

Me: Pffft, thats not bad. I walk that in my sleep

Bros: That doesn't seem right...are you sure?

Me: Yeah, I love the outdoors 

Fact: I do not love the outdoors

They left me, high and dry, for the comfort of the hotel and their beds. I, on the other hand, was in the company of someone who roamed the mountains of the Northeast. (I just made that up...I pride myself on being honest with you guys and to be honest...the very end of the time at the bar is a bit...hazy, if you will so I don't completely remember what he does for a living. Roaming sounds accurate). VT thought it might be a good idea for us to take a walk and see what types of things were around. He needed to ski-da-ddle to the bathroom before heading out. I went to close out my tab and had an interesting convo with the cute bartender. 

Bartender: So we have been talking about you a bit

Me: We?

*Bartender points to a gaggle of gays in the corner of the bar*

Me: Oh, well how kind of you to talk?

Bartender: We think you can do better than VT, a lot better. 

Me: Is it because he is a rough and tumble Mountain Man? 

Bartender: What? Wait...no. You are just very attractive and you can do better. 

Me: BAHAHAHA....ok where is Ashton? I've been Punk'd right? Ashton you dirty bastard! 

Bartender: Ashton? What? Ok, whatever...just thought I'd put it out there. Nice meeting you.

I literally lol'd hard at that one. Then decided it was time for me to move to New England for good. In ALL of my years as an Out gentleman of the South, I have never, ever, been told that. Confidence was at an all time medium level, so I was feeling good. Did this warning stop or deter me from going on a walk with VT? Helllzzzz to the naw. I was just holding my head a tiny bit higher (but not too much....the gin really ways you down).

As we roamed around town we decided to walk down to the beach to chat and walk. (WHY AM I SO OUTDOORSY AT THE BEACH?) Which turned into us mackin' it as soon as we walked beyond the last bit of the light cascading over the sand from the edge of the parking lot. In between our ridiculousness and general care-free fashion that we adopted when it came to laying on the beach, we would look at the stars and start talking. Now, talking has never gone anywhere good for me and my relationships, but when a man, like me, is drunk on life, drunk on being on gaycation, and drunk on gin...you forget the basics. 

VT: I have to get up early tomorrow to pick up my son. You are keeping me out so late! 

Me: Yeah I have to be up early to....wait....WTF YOU HAVE A KID?? You're too young to have a child.

VT: Yes? He's 6...how old do you think I am?

(Now, this never bodes well for me...when I saw him in the bar I thought he was like 28. I had also made best friends with the bottom of my gin and tonic cup...)

Me: Well....you know....an age....around....28?

VT: Hahaha I'm 35

Welp, there we go. He is now the oldest person I have ever made out with (Not the oldest person who has ever courted me...haha that makes me sound classy), but he had a young looking mountain beard...totally not my fault. I decided to ignore his age and try and focus on the surroundings. We were on the beach, looking at the stars, talking about things I was positive I wouldn't remember but felt really deep at the time. 

Facts: I did say at one point "I don't even care that we are laying on the sand and it is getting everywhere" More facts: I hate being dirty or sandy or muddy. Apparently, whilst intoxicated, all of my preconceived notions of being dirty or sandy or muddy go out the door. The next morning ended up being interesting as I emptied the entire beach into the shared shower my family entire family used...but that's neither here nor there. 

Then I decided to get inquisitive about this whole kid thing, because down here in the south that usually means that there is a Baby Mama involved. That also means you have recently come out and have a great deal of baggage. I began to get concerned that this was his first foray into the gay world and I was going to be his first conquest...because I specialize in irrational fears and concerns in the middle of the most intimate of moments. (seriously...why am I single?) Now, we all know I have no issues with children, well not any more...but I like to know the back story. 

Me: So...the kid thing...that's, like, a big deal

VT: Yeah, having shared custody isn't the most fun thing in the world. But, the divorce was necessary. I've been single for a year and a half now. 

Me: Wow, it's good you got out then. How long were you married to her?

VT: Her? Why would I be married to a woman, I'm gay. I was married to a man, for 6 years. We adopted our son when he was 6 days old. 

WHAT?!?!?! HOW?!?! WHEN DID GAY PEOPLE START MARRYING?!?!

That's right folks, up there in New England, them there Yankees let the gayz get married and have for quite awhile. Long enough for a 6 year marriage to have a beginning, a middle, and an end. My mind was boggled and I had a difficult time explaining that having a kid down south meant a whole slew of issues from baby mama drama to dealing with closet cases. 

VT and I stayed on that beach from midnight until 3am having a romantical vacation fling. We even discussed the possibility of visiting each other. Reality wouldn't set in until midway through the next day that this was nothing more than a fun moment in time, rather than a real possibility. 

While I was up there, I did realize that I needed to move to New England at some point in my life. I also realized that (maybe it was the ocean water) there were a lot of white men I found attractive. I KNOW! Shocker. I am shocked. I am still processing. My world was rocked. Shhhhh just let it happen. VT Mountain Man really had quite the impact on me....

Vermont Mountain Man: Burly and deceptively young looking

White Men: New Possibilities?

New England: My new Gay Mecca

Fabulously Lost: Still covered in sand... 

Marriage???

Alright, so I know that there has been a lot going on in the last 72 hours dealing with gay marriage and I decided I wanted in on the discussion. I feel like it is kinda like the massive elephant in the room if I don't discuss it, since all of my posts thus far have been about me trying to find "The One." But I want to take it a completely different way than you might think that I am going to take this post. Obviously I am for gay marriage and I shed several tears when Obama-rama decided to support gay marriage....

(Okay...so maybe I felt a little bit like Sally Fields...)

I'd rather give you all the reasons why I think you should let me marry whoever I'd like, besides the fact that it's basic human rights. Plus, my decision to marry will not stop the dysfunctional heterosexual marriages occurring on Teen Mom. (Pinky promise I will continue to let this happen if this is the last thing I do...)

Soooo let's get started shall we?

1. I will have the most fabulous wedding known to (wo)man.

          Did this not occur to anyone? How wonderful weddings will be if the gay's had a crack at them? You honestly think the Royal Wedding has anything on my wedding? There will be doves and live bands  (yes multiple bands) and it will be the biggest thing to hit whatever city I am residing in. 

          I wholeheartedly plan on getting married during one of the coldest months of the year because I suffer from...from...sweat. I have mentioned this before that I am someone who sweats when I exert the slightest bit of effort. (During Snowpocalypse '10 I walked about half a mile and had to begin stripping because I was sweating. IN. A. BLIZZARD) So the wedding industry, which has its lull in the winter, will have new life breathed into it when I get married. This wedding will be a winter wonderland of epic proportions and I plan on having everyone I know there. I tell people all the time that I am not sure if I want a small intimate wedding or a medium sized one...and thats a bunch of bullshit. If I could televise my wedding I would. I have no shame and I am a little bit vain. (shut it...I am admitting to being a little vain, let me have a moment). I won't be a Groomzilla, but there are things that I have been dreaming about doing for some time. 

           The only thing I have set in stone is that my two brothers will be my best men and I know what song I want to dance with my mother to. (I know...I'm a horrible person! I can see why people don't want me to get married. Having my FAMILY be the most important part in my wedding....disgusting)

2. I want to be the Angelina Jolie of the Gays.

          Now, I have a hard time admitting to this because I am on Team Jen (yes that is still going on in my mind and I will always stand up for Rachel Green), but Angelina is such a frickin' good person in all other areas of her life. I mean the woman isn't the best actress in the world but she has adopted most of Africa...how can you hate on that? 

           You may be asking what this has to do with gay marriage and in my mind it has everything to do with gay marriage. I am someone who believes it is better to have two parents than one. This in no way puts down single parents, I have so much admiration for them, but wouldn't it be a little easier to have a partner in the situation? So for me, I want to be married before I start exploring the option of children. At this moment in time, depending on the state I live in (I'm side-eying you, southern states) this would mean that I would never be allowed to become the Angelina Jolie of the Gays. 

             I want to be able to adopt some of the kids from Africa that Angelina can't get to. It's gotta be a burden on her shoulders to have the world wondering when you are going to take on another country or continent of people in need. That's where I come in! I am young and full of life and ready. 

(THESE ARE MONSTERS!!! It looks like they are trying to read a newspaper to her. DON'T THEY KNOW PRINT MEDIA IS DEAD!!!! She will surely be behind in school now.)

3. The Bible told you to let me...

       Wait...what?? HOW in the WORLD does this make sense?? (I must be on crack! GAY crack!) But in all seriousness...yeah the Bible told you so. 

        I grew up in a fairly religious household where we went to church most Sundays and attended Sunday School and got confirmed and volunteered with them and made a difference in my community. I never went up in flames stepping in the church for being gay and I was never forced to leave after I came out (which I did publicly at my church in 2006). Now, I have had my spats with religion and I still have some issues that I am working out, as any 20-something does, but I was taught the same thing from the time I was little until now.  It's the basis of most religions actually:

³⁴ “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another."

It doesn't say "love everyone but the gays" and it doesn't say "As I have loved you...but not you gays you're shit outta luck, everyone else I still love ya. HUGS." So how are you showing me any love, like GOD told you to, if you don't allow me to experience the highs, lows, and everything in between of marriage. 

4. I'd like to have the option to divorce...

         (I might be on gay crack....) Don't you think the Lifetime Movie Network needs some new ideas? I think it would be riveting television to watch the demise of a gay marriage on television on the most dramatic network. If I ever get divorced (which I won't cause I...well just cause, rude.) it is going to be just as epic as my wedding. I want it splashed on the tabloids and for it to make it into every blog and magazine known to man. I want the divorce itself to make me money because of the exclusive headlines. I am obviously going to either be independently wealthy or marry into wealth, so it will be messy with no prenup. 

           Does this sound ridiculous? I mean...I am a little fabulous, so this makes a little bit of sense, but isn't this what we have been taught. We keep discussing how Kim Kardashian had a 72 day marriage and made millions, Britney Spears was married and divorced inside of 55hrs, and Kelsey Grammar broke up his 15 year marriage over the phone. We talk about if these people can get divorces, then the gays should be allowed to get married? Why can't we all experience this lovely depiction of marriage and divorce?

             OR....let's all stop discussing all of the horrible things heterosexual couples have done for marriage and comparing it to how gay's should have the right to marry. I don't give a flying flip what a heterosexual couple does with their money, with their marriage, or with their families... All I want is the right to experience all of that as a married person. I want the option to marry, divorce, remarry, or stay single. 

Those are just  a few of the reasons why I want to get married...or want the opportunity to. I am a fabulous 20-something gay man with big dreams for my wedding and hopefully one day I will be able to share it with all of you. 

Fabulously Lost: Still single...don't worry kids

Obama: Grew a pair in the last year. Woot woot! 

Gay Marriage: One rainbow away from bringing this economy back on its toes

Gay Divorce: One broken rainbow away from a Lifetime Movie 

Jesus: Best Surprise Cameo in a Gay Blog