Denial: Not Just An African River

I have mentioned before that I came out when I was 16yrs old to a group of people who were as surprised by my coming out as they were by Lance Bass coming out. (I'm still holding hope for J.T. to get rid of Jessica Biel and come out....a boy can dream). Right after I came out, I became one of those gay's who denounced the community and decided I was above stereotypes and a general need for the LGBT community as a whole. Over the next five years I continued to be a vigilante for the straight community, you know since they were experiencing so many hardships and needed my support, all while claiming to be the "New Typical Gay." Although, in the last 2 years I have embraced this community and called it my own and stopped being such a whiny biznatch about it. Recently, I have had time to reflect on just why I had such a snarky attitude for so long. It's all because of....Straight Men.

This seems like a no-brainer, but like most things in my life...it is not for the reasons you would suspect. I mean, of course, there are the societal pressures to "act straight" and be "masculine" because that's what we have been taught to do since we were really young. There are the general fears of being bullied and having hateful things spewed at you like venom. But, I have a tough skin and I could also give two shits about people who hate me for being gay. My concern is with those open-minded Straight Men who consider themselves to be friendly with the gays, but not completely aware of what being gay is or how it might affect them. 

I decided early on it was my mission to educate Straight Men and be their friend while also putting down ze gayz. I have had a bajillion conversations with Straight Men about how I came out and what the process was and without fail the conversation always has some variation of this: 

Straight Men: So, like, how did you know you were gay?

Me: I mean, just like you knew you were straight. I found men attractive and not the vag. 

Straight Men: Did you ever try being with a girl...sexually?

Me: Variations of "sexually" yes, and it was terrible. Have you tried being with a guy...you know to see if you were gay?

Straight Men: Whoa dude, no. I'm not gay.

Me: Yup, my same sentiments towards trying stuff with women.

Straight Men: So, like what kind of guys are you attracted to?

Me: If you are asking if I am attracted to you, the answer is no. (this is generally true...) I am not magically attracted to all men. 

Straight Men: Wait, so like you're not attracted to me at all? Why?

Me: Are you attracted to all women?

Straight Men: No. 

Me: I am not attracted to all men...soo...you fall under the group I am not attracted to. 

Straight Men: But like, what about me?

Seriously, most of these conversations end with these people being some level of confused at why I am not attracted to them. That's not to say that I have never had strong feelings towards a straight man....but usually when I do, I am able to be with them in some capacity, i.e. they are not 100% straight (Hehehe ...yeahh...get it girl).


With those select few Straight Men that I have found myself attracted to or decided to pursue I always enjoyed the chase. You know that scene in He's Just Not That Into You, where the interview different people on how they know when someone is interested? They flash to two gay guys and they say they know within like 3seconds, with just a glance, whether they want to sleep with someone or not and whether that person wants to sleep with them. That is the most accurate thing I have ever heard about the gay community in a movie about straight people.

(Loveee that the subtitles are in Spanish)

I really honed that skill in college with several people. The first person I really felt the need to pursue that was "straight" was someone I actually met when I was a senior in H.S. and he was a freshman at UMD and lived on my brother floor. I didn't really think much about him at first because the only thing I knew about him was that he was a Drug Dealer. Ok, ok....I know what you are thinking, but I was never really into that in college. I drank like a fish but I never felt the urge to do drugs, probably because they are all illegal. (The hypocrisy of drugs being illegal and bothering me yet the underage drinking didn't is not lost on me, I assure you). But for some reason, almost two years later Drug Dealer looked a lot more appealing to me and was suddenly this attractive man who had "lived a life" in college. 

We were randomly at the same parties at my brothers place and a few other friends along the way and we would always catch each others eyes. It always lasted longer than three seconds and I would get these intense butterflies as if something needed to happen. Then one night at the end of September we were at a party at my brothers place and there was a group us playing "Never Have I Ever" (because when you are 19 and drinking Natty Light you need to play "revealing" games....) Someone would say, every single time, "Never have I ever....been with a guy....sexually". Literally, without fail this question would be the first one asked because I was always the only gay male in the group and I would have to put my finger down, but it was a little different this time. 

Drug Dealer  was sitting next to me and hit me a couple times in the leg to show me that he put down half a finger. He then pulled me aside after the game to have a chat. 

Drug Dealer: Did you see my finger?

Me: Why yes yes I did? Whatever did you mean with half a finger?

Drug Dealer: Well, it means that I'm not sure and I'd like to explore I think?

Me: Aww well lots of people do that in college, thanks for telling me. Lemme know if you want to talk about it more?

Something was fishy but we went back to the party like it was nothing and just drank more delicious Natty Light. The next week we were at a different party (So...I partied a lot. get over it.) and at this one Drug Dealer pulled me into a bedroom to talk again. 

Drug Dealer: I've been thinking about this a lot and you a lot

Me: Well, what exactly have you been thinking about 

Drug Dealer: I think...well... *grabs me and kisses me*

Drug Dealer: Whoa, I just kissed you. We kissed. 

Me: Ummm yes, you did just kiss me.

Drug Dealer: I can't believe I just did that. I can't believe I just kissed...you. *said with a little bit more snark, seediness then I would like*

Me: Welp, I think I am good on insults tonight...thanks. 

I stormed out in drunk dramatic fashion (Surprissseeee) and headed towards drunk food with some friends. Drug Dealer began furiously texting me saying he wanted to talk about things and fix what he said. I was not having any of it, yet I enjoyed the banter and the pining that was filling my phone. Finally I agreed to walk with him to his place and get on the bus back to my residence hall once we had finished talking. 

Drug Dealer: First off, sorry I didn't mean to sound so disgusted. 

Me: You're a real charmer. I appreciate the apology, I often like to have this happen after a kiss. 

Drug Dealer: It's just that by kissing you, I was recognizing that I am not just straight.

Me: Shocker. 

Drug Dealer: Look, I liked kissing you. I want to do it again. Thats what freaked me out. 

Me: Well, I haven't had any complaints thus far. I accept your apology.

The conversation dragged on and we discussed his feelings and what to do with all of them. We also agreed that we didn't have any feelings for each other, but there was an odd mutual attraction. Once we got back to his place...I didn't end up getting on the bus and we ended up...finding other things to do. This back and forth continued over the next year or so. The last time we "spent time" together he left his wallet in my room when he left when I went to go to the bathroom. The funny thing is, I went to the bathroom to try and figure out how to get him to leave to not spend the night. I ended up throwing the wallet out my window to him and saying we should probably not do this again. I said that all out the window. From my 4th floor apartment. Because I'm classy. 

At some point along the way he stopped selling drugs and got clean and is now married to a girl. This seems to be a theme with the Straight Men I end up "dating" or "spending time", a lot of them are married to women. (No wonder I am single...I keep turning men straight...oof). This is just one of many tales of the Straight Men of my past and why I blame many of them for my denial of the gay community for so long. Every once in awhile I get a pang for that chase...but then I remember...I'm now to lazy for that ish. 

Straight Men: not attracted to all of them, chaser of some Questionable ones

Drug Dealer: A dealer of lovin' not druggin' for me

Fabulously Lost: Putting the puzzle together as to why I am single 

My attempt at being mysterious...

I hope all of my single friends have had a lovely holiday so far. My coupled friends....suck it, go cry on the shoulder of your sig other. This holiday was splendid for me, spent it at my parents house, but was readily aware of my lack of a love life when I found myself sitting sandwiched between Padre and Madre while watching Love Actually . Now for those of you who haven't seen this movie, I am not going to explain anything about this movie...you should be able to get the jist of it from the damn title, and if you don't we have issues. As I sat there watching these increasingly sappy love stories I began to think back to my love life over the last year. There is one person that seems to come up quite often in my group of friends and has even become an anecdote for people to tell at dinner parties. (Cue the sound of my self esteem both rising and falling at the same time. Wrap your head around how THAT happens).

I began going to the gay clubs and bars frequently back in Jan. 2011 when I began hanging out with gay friends on a regular basis. It was new and wonderful and full of dancing sweaty men who just wanted to belt out Lady Gaga and Britney Spears without being looked at like they were fulfilling any of the stereotypes they actually were almost always fulfilling.  I began to slowly fall in love with this world while in Baltimore, but it wasn't until I went to Philly on a random weekend with gay friends that I realllllly fell in love. 

I drove up to Philly with gay bffl (best friend for life, duh loser) and sang Britney Spears and Beyonce (cahm ahnnnn we arent that gay. You can only sing Britney Spears OR Lady Gaga when not at the club. Read the rule book. No need to out gay the cars next to you.). Pulling into Philly was magical and it seemed like a brand new playground for me. I literally couldn't wait to go see the Gayborhood and all the fun things Philly had in store for me. 

We checked into our hotel and proceeded to get schwasted with a group of gays who I'm pretty sure judged me the whole time and I generally had a terrible time that first night. My dreams dashed against the liberty bell I woke up with an inexplicable urge to go to a sports bar and hangout with straight people to balance the cattiness from the evening before. Once I was finished being a drama queen and the gay bffl was done being a drama queen, I realized going to a straight sports bar meant I would have to actually watch sports and the men there wouldn't be interested in me (or would they be? *WINK, WINK* get it...did ya see what I did there? "straight" = fun game! JK lolzzzzz)

Anywayz we spent the entire day walking around the city scopin' peoplez out and deciding what debauchery we were going to get into when our lesbian friends came for the second night. I couldn't wait for them to arrive and our glittery night adventures to begin!  (All good night adventures with the gays involve glitter. I'm pretty sure Ke$ha is just a gay man posing as a woman.) I got shnazzed up in my normal black attire (It's slimming. Im not gothic. I promise. I like colors. ughhh I knew you would make this awkward. I wear more color now, ok??). We had a couple drinks before we left for the club with the ladies. The first place we went was fine and ok...nothing to write home about, it was really the second place that changed the game. 

We walked into Voyeur and there was a magnificently large circular stage in the center of the room with men, upon men, upon men packed on it. My first thought was "Aww hellz naw Im not getting up there. Those crazy queens!" Much to my shock and awe, my gay bffl responded to my "thought" by telling me he had no doubt I would be up there at some point in the night. (Apparently in my drunk state, my thoughts became word vomit that I felt necessary to spew onto my group. Damn you Drunk M., damn you). We made our way up to the second floor of the club, which overlooked the entire first floor, and got a couple of drinks. As we stood up there....Beyonce's "Run the World (Girls)" came on....

Gay Bffl and I ran down stairs as if Judy Garland herself had strolled in ready to hand out the Queen-iest  of Queens award, and we had been called for first place. We began dancing like maniacs and trying to replicate the music video we had memorized the weekend prior. While down there on the floor I looked up at the stage and there was this dark figure walking towards the edge of the stage. He looks at me, I look at him and he points. I turn and search in the crowd to see what he is pointing at before I realize it is me. I slowly walk to the stage as if I am on a runway, trying to remember what Tyra had taught me on ANTM, and he pulls me up to dance with him. I rock the crap out of the stage and out of this attractive black man. As we begin to mack it on stage, my friends begin to hoot and holler like banshees. Embarrassed by this....I continued to mack for a few more minutes and dance. THEN I got off the stage. 

Several moments later we repeated the entire process above.  Point. Dance. Mack. Hoot. Holler. ROCK his mother effin' world. While I was up there dancing with him we had a very short exchange that went like this. 

Him: Why you so sexy?

Me: *silence, unsure how to answer perplexing question*

Him: Sexy, My name is Stephen

Me: Thats a nice name. My uncles name is Stephen. (Whaaaaaat? WHAAAT? MY UNCLE? who the HELL brings up there Uncle as they are dirty dancing with a man on stage? *winces at memory*)

Him: Uhh thats cool. Whats your name?

Me: *Winks* Thats for me to know and for you to find out? *Winks again, continues to dance and mack it*

Can we discuss for a moment my last sentence. Thats for me to know and for you to find out. Ummm YO....he was trying to find out and you thought you were being sexy and mysterious. Nope, sorry about it you were just mind boggling and confusing. In my drunk state I figured that the sexiest thing I could do would be to NOT tell this person my name, which explains my singledom. Stephen and I could of had a lovely drunk convo that turned into breakfast, that turned into spending weekends at each others homes, that could've turned into vacationing with the parents, getting proposed to and being married in front of the Liberty Bell. But we will never know because I didn't tell him my name. 

To this day I get random text messages from people that say "Why you so sexy" or friends who will ask about how Stephen is doing. Any possibility of a future with this dark finger pointing figure has gone out the door and down the drain. PSA for the kiddies: Mysterious only works in the movies. 

Internet Dating: 4

Fabulously Lost: 0

Philly: Pretty damn good...they have lots of gays.