Halloween has always been a time of turmoil for me. I tend to over think and overanalyze everything I do and come up with the most dramatic ways things could possibly play out. For someone on the search for love, I end up running the other direction when it comes a-knockin' on my door. Halloween is usually when I begin to over analyze the holiday season.
The funny thing is that Fall/Winter is my favorite time of the year and, in all honesty, its not because of the amazing feeling of the holidays, the crisp weather, or the inevitable layered looks of Fall that are presented at the clothing stores. I love this time of year because it is when I sweat the least. THERE! I said it. Thats my not so dirty little secret. If you know me, which if you don't you are missing out, I sweat a lot. Not in the "Haha look at me, I sweat so much when I run. Isn't it great to release those toxins from your skin!" type of sweating....more like the "Oh my gawd. HOW the hell am I sweating? I am sitting in an ice box and I'm pretty sure hell has frozen over in this apt yet I am dripping, wtf" type of sweating. So when the weather changes and I no longer have to worry about looking like I took a shower by walking to my car, I'm a happy gal. Halloween always tends to be a day where a million people cram into a tiny space wearing lots of costumes (for the men, women are lucky and get to wear their underwear out) and I end up sweating like I'm in the middle of the Sahara desert.
Anywhoz, back in 2010 I dated (and by dated I mean, I went on two dates over the course of a month and I contemplated telling everyone we were boyfriends because I am a little bit off my rocker) a gentleman who was a bit older than me to see if the older men would treat a young strapping fellow with the respect and attention he deserved (or at least see if I could get a few free dinners). He wasn't a cougar on the prowl, he was 29 and I was 22, which in my head seemed normal. The only way I would date someone who wasn't in their 20s would be if they looked like an adonis or if they had lots of money. (Hey...everyone has their price. You really think Julia Roberts was in love with Richard Gere in Pretty Woman? I'd be in love with a hunk-a-hunk-a burnin' love like that if he was throwing money at me all willy nilly. Yup, I'd be a hooker for him)
Welp Grandpa and I hit it off on our first date when we went for dinner to UNOs. (Not where I thought I'd go on a first date with my future husband, but HEY beggars cant be choosers) He let me talk about me and asked questions about my life and where I was going with life. He asked about my friends and my family and college. I couldn't have been happier. We left our date with a kiss goodbye and a promise of a meeting in a couple weekends. He was busy the weekend after, something about having to watch after something or other. I couldn't really remember because I didn't pry.
Grandpa and I texted on and off and talked on the phone a good amount. The weekend after he disappeared and I didn't hear from him until Monday evening. He said he didn't want to be attached to his phone and he was taking care of things over the weekend but wanted to see me on Friday. We decided to see a movie and we were going to meet at the Columbia Mall. I couldn't be more excited! This was the first time I was knowingly dating someone who was a good deal older than me, and it was socially acceptable! (there was a time when I was 15 that that wasn't the case...but thats not here nor there. Well it might be there later when I tell you about it. Don't worry...plenty of time to judge me later.)
I realized before the date that I knew next to nothing about Grandpa, we had barely touched on his life. It had never been more readily apparent how much I like talking about myself. When you get me going, I will find any reason to over share and give you my life story. Now I'm not saying I'm vain...but I definitely would think this song is about me
The funny thing is that Fall/Winter is my favorite time of the year and, in all honesty, its not because of the amazing feeling of the holidays, the crisp weather, or the inevitable layered looks of Fall that are presented at the clothing stores. I love this time of year because it is when I sweat the least. THERE! I said it. Thats my not so dirty little secret. If you know me, which if you don't you are missing out, I sweat a lot. Not in the "Haha look at me, I sweat so much when I run. Isn't it great to release those toxins from your skin!" type of sweating....more like the "Oh my gawd. HOW the hell am I sweating? I am sitting in an ice box and I'm pretty sure hell has frozen over in this apt yet I am dripping, wtf" type of sweating. So when the weather changes and I no longer have to worry about looking like I took a shower by walking to my car, I'm a happy gal. Halloween always tends to be a day where a million people cram into a tiny space wearing lots of costumes (for the men, women are lucky and get to wear their underwear out) and I end up sweating like I'm in the middle of the Sahara desert.
Anywhoz, back in 2010 I dated (and by dated I mean, I went on two dates over the course of a month and I contemplated telling everyone we were boyfriends because I am a little bit off my rocker) a gentleman who was a bit older than me to see if the older men would treat a young strapping fellow with the respect and attention he deserved (or at least see if I could get a few free dinners). He wasn't a cougar on the prowl, he was 29 and I was 22, which in my head seemed normal. The only way I would date someone who wasn't in their 20s would be if they looked like an adonis or if they had lots of money. (Hey...everyone has their price. You really think Julia Roberts was in love with Richard Gere in Pretty Woman? I'd be in love with a hunk-a-hunk-a burnin' love like that if he was throwing money at me all willy nilly. Yup, I'd be a hooker for him)
Cahmmmm ahnn...I woulda kissed him on the first go around too....take that Julia Roberts
Welp Grandpa and I hit it off on our first date when we went for dinner to UNOs. (Not where I thought I'd go on a first date with my future husband, but HEY beggars cant be choosers) He let me talk about me and asked questions about my life and where I was going with life. He asked about my friends and my family and college. I couldn't have been happier. We left our date with a kiss goodbye and a promise of a meeting in a couple weekends. He was busy the weekend after, something about having to watch after something or other. I couldn't really remember because I didn't pry.
Grandpa and I texted on and off and talked on the phone a good amount. The weekend after he disappeared and I didn't hear from him until Monday evening. He said he didn't want to be attached to his phone and he was taking care of things over the weekend but wanted to see me on Friday. We decided to see a movie and we were going to meet at the Columbia Mall. I couldn't be more excited! This was the first time I was knowingly dating someone who was a good deal older than me, and it was socially acceptable! (there was a time when I was 15 that that wasn't the case...but thats not here nor there. Well it might be there later when I tell you about it. Don't worry...plenty of time to judge me later.)
I realized before the date that I knew next to nothing about Grandpa, we had barely touched on his life. It had never been more readily apparent how much I like talking about myself. When you get me going, I will find any reason to over share and give you my life story. Now I'm not saying I'm vain...but I definitely would think this song is about me
I made a blood pact with myself that I would be a better listener and find out more about who Grandpa reallllly was. I made sure we had time to get coffee before our movie that friday and I came prepared (I had practiced my listening, surprised, and concerned faces in the mirror. I also wish I was kidding about that but I am not. I blame America's Next Top Model and Tyra for aiding in my yearning to look in a mirror) Our convo went a little like this:
Me: So, tell me about you. Who is the real Grandpa? (I apparently felt I was Barbara Walters)
Grandpa: Uhh I'm 29...half black...live in Ellicott City? What do you wanna know?
Me: Thats interesting. Tell me more about your background. Are you close with your parents?
Grandpa: As of now yes...but I don't know how they will feel when I come out to them. They might kick me out.
PUMP THE BREAKS! Jigga whaaat? You haven't told your parents you are gay yet? You are 29 and in the closet? I like to think I came out when I was 16, but we all know I came out of the womb with a pink boa as an umbilical cord and instead of a placenta, glitter was shot out. I made quite the entrance, so when someone is substantially older than me and they haven't come out I am always mind boggled. Also not to mention...you'd get kicked out? I was making moves to move out of my parents house at that point, but I had also just graduated college. Ok ok...I need to wipe the shocked look off my face, I hadn't practiced that...I was going rogue on Tyra. Reign it in and ask more questions.
Me: What an interesting character. So you haven't told your parents? Do you live with them?
Grandpa: Nah, I live in a house they own. And I just came out about 6 months ago
Me: Thats so brave of you, coming out can be hard. I hope its been a fairly easy process for you
Grandpa: Well it wasn't easy at first and I wanted to wait until the divorce was finalized. I had been married for 7 years so I wanted give to my ex-wife a little time to get used to everything.
So remember when I pumped the breaks before? WELP I slammed on those bitches and tried to jump out of the car. Now I am no expert at dating, obviously, but I also think you should mention to someone that you are dating (shut up...I know this was date two and we weren't engaged yet) that you have an ex-wife , of 7 years. Also remember that time that is a major thing and at 22 years old my most major issues were usually where I was going to get trashed and where I was going to sleep (Surprisingly not much changes from 22 to 23, except there is more guilt. Damn you Jewish heritage) not who my future husbands ex-wives were. Lets see where this goes, shall we?
Me: Um...married? Thats dramatic.
Grandpa: More factual than dramatic. Does that scare you away?
Me: Pffft...hrmpf...gahhh. BAHAHA
Grandpa: Err...that was just some noises and some laughter.
Me: Hehehe wahhh? Prumph!
Grandpa: I think we should change the subject? What are you doing for Halloween?
Me: *relieved* Ohhh I'm going to be a guido! What about you?
Grandpa: Oh I have my kids for halloween, so I'm going to take the three of them Trick or Treating! They are going as characters from some of the Disney movies
Remember when I was dating this guy? Yup, my pretty picture was shattering. How do you casually bring up the fact that you have THREE children moments after you bring up a divorce. Its a telling sign of how a relationship will go when they say disney costumes and they think of their kids and you think of how your pale white friend should be slutty Ariel instead of slutty Jasmine, because its more believable.
The date continued to get more awkward because I was now using my faces I had practiced and was extremely convincing, so he continued to tell me more and more about his kids. Including that the oldest one is almost 12 years old. LETS state some facts here here
Grandpa= 29 years old
Me= 22 years old (at the time)
Child of the gay= 12 years old
For some reason being smack dab in the middle of your child and you in age doesn't make me feel better about dating you. Instead I felt icky....thats like when Bruce Willis married a girl 5years older than his daughter. I cant...I just can't. We awkwardly went to the movie and I think he knew at the end of everything that I would probs be a better babysitter than a boyfriend...
After I had forgotten about this blip of a relationship, last summer I ran into Grandpa at the gay club and decided drunkenly to dance with him. I often have my drunk confidence on and feel like I am Shakira circa 2001
I was GETTIN' IT and Grandpa was feelin' it and I wasn't remembering that he had a kid who was now close to tweendom at home. We started mackin' it like two teenage kids who had just discovered that lips were meant for more than eating and talking(because I am nothing if not a classy lady when I am shaking it like there is no tomorrow on the sweaty dance floor) It was then that a swarm of women, who secretly wish they were gay men, descended upon us like Birds. As they began to make a circle, I thought it was time to dip it even lower since we had an audience now. One of the women screeched, as I almost toppled over...very un-Shakira like, "Ummm Grandpa what do you think your boyfriend would think of you dancing on this ho"
AWWWW helllz NAW.
I stood up straight. Looked her in the eyes and told her that this candy shop was closed. (wish I was kidding...but that seemed like a good line at the time. In retrospect calling myself a candy shop makes me sound like a whore....shut up) I walked off with my head held high and my pants dipping far to low.
Internet Dating: 7
Fabulously Lost: 0
Shakira: Great drunk inspiration
Dignity: Lost and found of most gay clubs at this point
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