To Hike or Not To Hike...

I have never been the outdoor-sy type, like ever. I never loved being in the woods or playing sports and I certainly never thought the idea of camping sounded like fun or a vacation. For the most part I blame my wonderful parents for that one. (because what are parents good for unless you can blame them for all of your weird habits and your inability to hold healthy relationships with other people? Am I right or am I right!! ZING Parents!) Once in high school I did a leadership program where we had to do an overnight camping/ropes course/team bonding thing in the woods. I died. Like literally almost died because there were no showers and it was the middle of the summer and I had to sweat in front of people like an animal. It was then that I swore off outdoor-sy things like a bad hangover.

Well I must have had severe memory loss after a night of drinking to agree to go on this date with an avid Hiker. Sometimes I go on these weird kicks where I decide I am going to overhaul my life and change everything immediately. I plan out my next moves and I tell everyone to get ready for the new and improved me. Since I was on this dating site, I decided it was time to expose myself to men I would normally avoid like the plague. I have a normal list of do's and don'ts when choosing men on these sites.

Do's:

• Likes television 
• Likes music (specifically Adele and Britney....this one isn't hard to find)
• Mentions being sassy and having a good sense of humor
• Drinks on a moderately regular basis...

(As you can see I am not hard to please...so WHY aren't there more men knockin' on my door? Mind boggling I know)

Don'ts

• Don't mention a love of the outdoors 
• Don't mention an intense love for the gym 
• Don't come across more vain than me 
• Don't mention heavy metal music
• Don't just have a pic of your body (for Grindr, yes surprisingly there are a lot of headless men out there)
• Don't mention your profession in a cocky way or talk about it too much 
• Don't mention being lazy as a positive thing
• Don't look grungy

The Don'ts list could actually go on forever, but those are some of my top ones. When I go through these "life" changing kicks I decide to wipe my do's and don'ts lists clean and try out new people. Who knows, my future hubby might get me into camping and shooting things and we might have a farm when we grow old. I pictured the Brawny man swooping me up in his muscle-y arms and teaching me all the manly things in the world.

(I literally just said "blech" typing that out. I will never have a farm or live on one. This pile of masculine is best found in wet dreams...)  

Well, Hiker decided to message me during one of these kicks and I decided to be Gung-ho about it, to the point of looking up the possibility of buying good hiking shoes for our weekly dates outdoors. Hiker messaged me about life and where I was in the grand scheme of things. He actually messaged me at one point and asked me about how I felt about Mother Earth....and I still went out on a date with him. NOT only did we go on a date, but our date involved hiking. I agreed to go hiking on a first date. Hell actually froze over that day. 

We met at some trail near my parents house in Ellicott City that, apparently, had the "most beautiful views of landscape." In my true fabulous nature, I showed up to the date wearing jeans and a button down (plaid, of course) with my shoes that looked like they could be Timberland's but were really just a cute non-boot boot. I thought, even out in nature, one should look cute for their first date. Welp, I was extremely wrong and would later end up getting rid of those cute shoes because they get ruined. Hiker shows up and is wildly surprised to see me standing there in this outfit. 

Hiker: Hey! Did you bring a change of clothes?

Me: Whaaa? Haha no silly! This is what I am wearing 

Hiker: I mean you look great, but we are going off the trail and hiking in the woods. I don't want you to ruin your nice clothing

Me: Thank you, that's so sweet! I'm glad you think I look great.

I had obviously ignored his blatant warnings and all I heard was that I looked great. I mean, he should have told me we would be going off the beaten path...more than he already did? Anywhoz, we began walking and talking and getting along fairly well for the first 5minutes. Then things began to head south and I realized what I had gotten myself into. 

Did you guys know that there are a lot of bugs out there? Also, trees cover the sun but they don't remove my ability to sweat. We had literally been walking 5min before I felt the first drip trickle down my forehead. It was one drop that felt like a tsunami to me. I knew what was happening, my body was about to release the flood gates of hell and unleash its sweaty-ness in all its glory. I brushed this one droplet off my forehead and began to get nervous. Oh...and I sweat more when I'm nervous about sweating. (Isn't this an attractive quality? It doesn't just happen on dates, it happens on interviews, during confrontations, and when I'm dancing with someone at the bar [i'm always nervous i'm a bad dancer, when we all know I'm Shakira])

Just as I feel my back moistening we decide to take a sharp turn and climb up this mountain. And when I say we decided I really mean Hiker, because I would've preferred sitting in an air conditioned cafe. The conversation also didn't stray from the outdoors either. 

Hiker: So...you said that hiking is one of your favorite activities, do you always go dressed so nice?

Me: You are totes winning brownie points! One always must look his best, right?

Hiker: So what are your favorite trails around here?

Me: This one. *mopes forehead for third time*

Hiker: Oh, cool. Have you ever gone off the trail like this?

Me: All the time *tries to slyly check for pit stains, shudders when they are present*

Hiker: I want to go along the Appalachian at some point. Quit work and just take my time going from Maine all the way down. 

Me: Would you have to camp? Where do you go to the bathroom? This doesn't sound so pleasant.

Hiker: I thought you went camping all the time?

 Me: *crickets* 

As you can see I took some liberties and adjusted my profile to best fit the type of man I wanted to help me with my life change. Unfortunately his annoying questions about things I had no idea about didn't bode well for me. The real winner at this point was...welp there was no real winner. I'm sure he was wondering when it had monsoon-ed because I was now wearing a different colored shirt and I was wondering why he had decided to take me on a death march. 

The only time I feel it is permissible to sweat in front of someone you are dating is when you are at the gym (Lord knows why you would ever go to the gym with someone you are dating...), or if you are dancing at the club and everyone is one ball of disgusting sweat. This date was a fail and a half. It was then I realized that I am meant for the finer things in life...like indoor activities. My idea of a vacation involves mojitos, a hotel, and possibly a spa...most definitely not sweating and pooping in the ground. Hiker and I finished the trail early and parted ways without so much as a promise of connecting later. I think he knew I had lied on my profile, which I ended up switching back to sounding more like me. 

Internet Dating: A resounding 8.5

Fabulously Lost: .5

Hiking: Not for everyone, especially this queen

Cute Hiking Clothing: Nonexistent