When we were younger my brothers and I got along fairly well with our parents as well as each other. Our parents were fairly liberal in the sense that we were allowed to date pretty much whenever we wanted (Heathens! Its why I'm gay now...I dated too many girls too early on. Used up all my heterosexuality by the time I was 7. Hookin' knows no age) My older brother famously always had a girlfriend from the time we were young up until he met his current girlfriend (They've been together a bajillion years at this point. When I was 18 I talked to him about how I wasn't comfortable with his dating her so seriously because I had commitment issues. Everything is about me obviously)
He had, what I would like to think is, the shortest relationship in the history of relationships when we were in middle school. He dated a girl from 1st period - the bus ride home. I'm sure it stung, but I topped his short relationship on a recent evening out with a gentleman. This is a story of the time I had a beginning, middle, and end of a relationship within the span of 5 hours.
I'm sure you can tell there is a certain pattern I go through before I go on a date with someone. We message, I fall in love, we meet and I fall out of love and onto my face, much like when Lucy pulls the football out right before Charlie Brown kicks it.
Every once in a while I go on a date purely out of self pity and I am not terribly into the person. Its like when you pity sleep with someone because you don't want to sleep alone and you also know they are super into you so you feel better about yourself. You do that right? That's...like...a thing, right? Well anyways, I decided to meet up with this guy for dinner and drinks in the hopes of having a little company and maybe a free dinner.
We met at a little place in Fells Point for dinner and then planned to go to drinks at one of the surrounding bars. When I arrived at dinner he was already sitting there and I was mildly impressed because he seemed more attractive than his pictures. This is where my crazy started setting in. I hadn't planned on it coming to dinner...I thought I was stronger than it this time around. I had decided to go on this date just for attention. He was supposed to be crazy...not me. Hot damnnnn this isn't going to be pretty for anyone.
When I say crazy showed up, I mean that I let my mind wander to the things I always tell it not to wander to. I'm the type of person who always says that I want to be dropped into the middle of the relationship. I will gladly forgo all of the dating formalities and would like to find myself with someone, sitting on our couch, quietly bickering over whether to watch "The Bachelor" or "Real Housewives of Atlanta" (Cahmm ahhnnn who doesn't watch those hot tranny messes. And when I say Tranny I am looking at you NeNe). So when I saw this guy I started planning how we were going to afford a three bedroom house and two car payments on our salaries. THAT'S the type of crazy I am talking about.
Rico Suave seemed to feel the same way about me too. When we sat down we started bonding over the most random things and deciding it was fate.
Rico Suave: What kind of music do you listen to?
Me: Right now my obsession is Adele but I also really like Maroon 5.
Rico Suave: OMG me too! She is fierce and Adam Levine is just hot
Me: *Mouth agape* Are you kidding?? We are on the same page? Perfect!
Now I don't mean to burst past "Me's" little bubble but I haven't met a gay man yet who hasn't really enjoyed Adele's depressing album or who hasn't noticed that Adam Levine is one of the most lick-able men out there. (Yup I did just say lick-able, and I stand by it. I would if I could and you would too) This isn't exactly something to write home about in the grand scheme of things, but I did start thinking about how we could dance around to Maroon 5 in our Calvin Klein underwear (I have a very specific dream, down to underwear....)on Saturdays and then we could cry to Adele on Sunday evenings when the weekend was over.
Rico Suave and I talked for a really long time and then things got serious. He started talking about kids and how many he wanted and what he wanted to name them and where he wanted to raise them and what kind of house he wanted for them and...and...WHOA. I was slapped in the face with my own mental craziness. Rico Suave had this fire in his eyes that I was becoming panicked over. Was this really someone I could be with forever? How could he want to name his child Daisy? What kind of monster is he?
After I took a couple breaths and got over the name debacle of 2011, I rejoined the date with vigor and tried to build off of his excitement. He then stated how he was ready to have a boyfriend, which is something I am on board with. I basically decided we were now boyfriends and I'm pretty sure he did as well. Mind you, this was all before our crab dip had arrived. (Haha single people! I have mastered a relationship in the matter of an hour! Suck it bitchesss)
We were holding hands across the table and the waitress gave us the "Omgz, you guys are a gay couple! loves it! I'm such a Grace" look when she finally brought over our crab dip. Then we started to disagree on things like what to get for dinner and if we were going to share. It was a little bickering but not too much. (This is normal right? You start dating after 45min and then you start to bicker like a married couple?) We decided to just get different things and then bond over dessert, which I would let him choose since I am not a big dessert person. I'm such a nice person...I know.
We decided to go to Central for drinks after dinner since we both had friends there. This is where things become a little hazy between what is normal and what isn't normal for a first date. (I know, I know...starting a relationship an hour after meeting someone...kinda a little Kardashian and the epitome of abnormal! But hey...neediness does wonders on your self worth.) When we got there I made an immediate beeline for my friends in their normal spot, which is where Rico Suave began to show his jealous side.
Rico Suave: Baby, who are these men? Why are you talking to them.
Me: Ummm remember when we said we were meeting our friends here? These are what I like to call my friends.
Rico Suave: As long as you didn't plan a second date for the evening with one of these men.
HA! I like that he thinks I could plan two dates in one evening...that's saying OkCupid has produced two solid dates to fill one evening. Also...why would I waste two dates on one night, spread that shizzz out. ALSO, I am not that clever...I am many things but smooth enough to pull off two dates in one evening is not something I could do without looking like I was attempting to be part of the Three Stooges.
About an hour later, and three Belvedere and Waters deep (don't judge me...I like to hydrate myself as I get intoxicated. BOOM, logic), I started dancing like Shakira with Rico Suave. One of my friends decided we should all dance together and things got c-c-crrrrazy, with Rico Suave storming off and me following him outside.
Rico Suave: You are on another date with him aren't you. How could you do this to me? We were doing so well after our last fight.
Me: No..I swear! He is just a friend, the other guy is his boyfriend!
Rico Suave: I don't know what to believe anymore. I feel like I don't know you anymore.
Me: Well, to be fair this is our first date...
Rico Suave: There you go making jokes at my expense
Drunk me decided it was time to go home. Even in my glorious haze of alcohol, I knew maybe the time for the date to be over was now. I realized that our relationship had played its course...we were only meant to be together 5 hours. Rico Suave drove me home (he was sober, which makes the above exchanges that much weirder. even for me...) As he dropped me off he officially broke up with me.
Rico Suave: I think we should see other people. We could have been great...
I got out of the car and realized that I had just been out crazy-ed. How is this a real situation? Why do I always find myself in these situations. We cycled through an entire relationship and I was exhausted. I took a couple weeks off from going out on dates to breathe. I needed to mourn our relationship.
Internet Dating: 7.5
Fabulously Lost: .5 (that sort of counts as a win, right?)
Shakira: 2
Water: Solid mixer, good for combating hangover
He had, what I would like to think is, the shortest relationship in the history of relationships when we were in middle school. He dated a girl from 1st period - the bus ride home. I'm sure it stung, but I topped his short relationship on a recent evening out with a gentleman. This is a story of the time I had a beginning, middle, and end of a relationship within the span of 5 hours.
I'm sure you can tell there is a certain pattern I go through before I go on a date with someone. We message, I fall in love, we meet and I fall out of love and onto my face, much like when Lucy pulls the football out right before Charlie Brown kicks it.
Every once in a while I go on a date purely out of self pity and I am not terribly into the person. Its like when you pity sleep with someone because you don't want to sleep alone and you also know they are super into you so you feel better about yourself. You do that right? That's...like...a thing, right? Well anyways, I decided to meet up with this guy for dinner and drinks in the hopes of having a little company and maybe a free dinner.
We met at a little place in Fells Point for dinner and then planned to go to drinks at one of the surrounding bars. When I arrived at dinner he was already sitting there and I was mildly impressed because he seemed more attractive than his pictures. This is where my crazy started setting in. I hadn't planned on it coming to dinner...I thought I was stronger than it this time around. I had decided to go on this date just for attention. He was supposed to be crazy...not me. Hot damnnnn this isn't going to be pretty for anyone.
When I say crazy showed up, I mean that I let my mind wander to the things I always tell it not to wander to. I'm the type of person who always says that I want to be dropped into the middle of the relationship. I will gladly forgo all of the dating formalities and would like to find myself with someone, sitting on our couch, quietly bickering over whether to watch "The Bachelor" or "Real Housewives of Atlanta" (Cahmm ahhnnn who doesn't watch those hot tranny messes. And when I say Tranny I am looking at you NeNe). So when I saw this guy I started planning how we were going to afford a three bedroom house and two car payments on our salaries. THAT'S the type of crazy I am talking about.
Rico Suave seemed to feel the same way about me too. When we sat down we started bonding over the most random things and deciding it was fate.
Rico Suave: What kind of music do you listen to?
Me: Right now my obsession is Adele but I also really like Maroon 5.
Rico Suave: OMG me too! She is fierce and Adam Levine is just hot
Me: *Mouth agape* Are you kidding?? We are on the same page? Perfect!
Now I don't mean to burst past "Me's" little bubble but I haven't met a gay man yet who hasn't really enjoyed Adele's depressing album or who hasn't noticed that Adam Levine is one of the most lick-able men out there. (Yup I did just say lick-able, and I stand by it. I would if I could and you would too) This isn't exactly something to write home about in the grand scheme of things, but I did start thinking about how we could dance around to Maroon 5 in our Calvin Klein underwear (I have a very specific dream, down to underwear....)on Saturdays and then we could cry to Adele on Sunday evenings when the weekend was over.
Rico Suave and I talked for a really long time and then things got serious. He started talking about kids and how many he wanted and what he wanted to name them and where he wanted to raise them and what kind of house he wanted for them and...and...WHOA. I was slapped in the face with my own mental craziness. Rico Suave had this fire in his eyes that I was becoming panicked over. Was this really someone I could be with forever? How could he want to name his child Daisy? What kind of monster is he?
After I took a couple breaths and got over the name debacle of 2011, I rejoined the date with vigor and tried to build off of his excitement. He then stated how he was ready to have a boyfriend, which is something I am on board with. I basically decided we were now boyfriends and I'm pretty sure he did as well. Mind you, this was all before our crab dip had arrived. (Haha single people! I have mastered a relationship in the matter of an hour! Suck it bitchesss)
We were holding hands across the table and the waitress gave us the "Omgz, you guys are a gay couple! loves it! I'm such a Grace" look when she finally brought over our crab dip. Then we started to disagree on things like what to get for dinner and if we were going to share. It was a little bickering but not too much. (This is normal right? You start dating after 45min and then you start to bicker like a married couple?) We decided to just get different things and then bond over dessert, which I would let him choose since I am not a big dessert person. I'm such a nice person...I know.
We decided to go to Central for drinks after dinner since we both had friends there. This is where things become a little hazy between what is normal and what isn't normal for a first date. (I know, I know...starting a relationship an hour after meeting someone...kinda a little Kardashian and the epitome of abnormal! But hey...neediness does wonders on your self worth.) When we got there I made an immediate beeline for my friends in their normal spot, which is where Rico Suave began to show his jealous side.
Rico Suave: Baby, who are these men? Why are you talking to them.
Me: Ummm remember when we said we were meeting our friends here? These are what I like to call my friends.
Rico Suave: As long as you didn't plan a second date for the evening with one of these men.
HA! I like that he thinks I could plan two dates in one evening...that's saying OkCupid has produced two solid dates to fill one evening. Also...why would I waste two dates on one night, spread that shizzz out. ALSO, I am not that clever...I am many things but smooth enough to pull off two dates in one evening is not something I could do without looking like I was attempting to be part of the Three Stooges.
About an hour later, and three Belvedere and Waters deep (don't judge me...I like to hydrate myself as I get intoxicated. BOOM, logic), I started dancing like Shakira with Rico Suave. One of my friends decided we should all dance together and things got c-c-crrrrazy, with Rico Suave storming off and me following him outside.
Rico Suave: You are on another date with him aren't you. How could you do this to me? We were doing so well after our last fight.
Me: No..I swear! He is just a friend, the other guy is his boyfriend!
Rico Suave: I don't know what to believe anymore. I feel like I don't know you anymore.
Me: Well, to be fair this is our first date...
Rico Suave: There you go making jokes at my expense
Drunk me decided it was time to go home. Even in my glorious haze of alcohol, I knew maybe the time for the date to be over was now. I realized that our relationship had played its course...we were only meant to be together 5 hours. Rico Suave drove me home (he was sober, which makes the above exchanges that much weirder. even for me...) As he dropped me off he officially broke up with me.
Rico Suave: I think we should see other people. We could have been great...
I got out of the car and realized that I had just been out crazy-ed. How is this a real situation? Why do I always find myself in these situations. We cycled through an entire relationship and I was exhausted. I took a couple weeks off from going out on dates to breathe. I needed to mourn our relationship.
Internet Dating: 7.5
Fabulously Lost: .5 (that sort of counts as a win, right?)
Shakira: 2
Water: Solid mixer, good for combating hangover
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