Denial: Not Just An African River

I have mentioned before that I came out when I was 16yrs old to a group of people who were as surprised by my coming out as they were by Lance Bass coming out. (I'm still holding hope for J.T. to get rid of Jessica Biel and come out....a boy can dream). Right after I came out, I became one of those gay's who denounced the community and decided I was above stereotypes and a general need for the LGBT community as a whole. Over the next five years I continued to be a vigilante for the straight community, you know since they were experiencing so many hardships and needed my support, all while claiming to be the "New Typical Gay." Although, in the last 2 years I have embraced this community and called it my own and stopped being such a whiny biznatch about it. Recently, I have had time to reflect on just why I had such a snarky attitude for so long. It's all because of....Straight Men.

This seems like a no-brainer, but like most things in my life...it is not for the reasons you would suspect. I mean, of course, there are the societal pressures to "act straight" and be "masculine" because that's what we have been taught to do since we were really young. There are the general fears of being bullied and having hateful things spewed at you like venom. But, I have a tough skin and I could also give two shits about people who hate me for being gay. My concern is with those open-minded Straight Men who consider themselves to be friendly with the gays, but not completely aware of what being gay is or how it might affect them. 

I decided early on it was my mission to educate Straight Men and be their friend while also putting down ze gayz. I have had a bajillion conversations with Straight Men about how I came out and what the process was and without fail the conversation always has some variation of this: 

Straight Men: So, like, how did you know you were gay?

Me: I mean, just like you knew you were straight. I found men attractive and not the vag. 

Straight Men: Did you ever try being with a girl...sexually?

Me: Variations of "sexually" yes, and it was terrible. Have you tried being with a guy...you know to see if you were gay?

Straight Men: Whoa dude, no. I'm not gay.

Me: Yup, my same sentiments towards trying stuff with women.

Straight Men: So, like what kind of guys are you attracted to?

Me: If you are asking if I am attracted to you, the answer is no. (this is generally true...) I am not magically attracted to all men. 

Straight Men: Wait, so like you're not attracted to me at all? Why?

Me: Are you attracted to all women?

Straight Men: No. 

Me: I am not attracted to all men...soo...you fall under the group I am not attracted to. 

Straight Men: But like, what about me?

Seriously, most of these conversations end with these people being some level of confused at why I am not attracted to them. That's not to say that I have never had strong feelings towards a straight man....but usually when I do, I am able to be with them in some capacity, i.e. they are not 100% straight (Hehehe ...yeahh...get it girl).


With those select few Straight Men that I have found myself attracted to or decided to pursue I always enjoyed the chase. You know that scene in He's Just Not That Into You, where the interview different people on how they know when someone is interested? They flash to two gay guys and they say they know within like 3seconds, with just a glance, whether they want to sleep with someone or not and whether that person wants to sleep with them. That is the most accurate thing I have ever heard about the gay community in a movie about straight people.

(Loveee that the subtitles are in Spanish)

I really honed that skill in college with several people. The first person I really felt the need to pursue that was "straight" was someone I actually met when I was a senior in H.S. and he was a freshman at UMD and lived on my brother floor. I didn't really think much about him at first because the only thing I knew about him was that he was a Drug Dealer. Ok, ok....I know what you are thinking, but I was never really into that in college. I drank like a fish but I never felt the urge to do drugs, probably because they are all illegal. (The hypocrisy of drugs being illegal and bothering me yet the underage drinking didn't is not lost on me, I assure you). But for some reason, almost two years later Drug Dealer looked a lot more appealing to me and was suddenly this attractive man who had "lived a life" in college. 

We were randomly at the same parties at my brothers place and a few other friends along the way and we would always catch each others eyes. It always lasted longer than three seconds and I would get these intense butterflies as if something needed to happen. Then one night at the end of September we were at a party at my brothers place and there was a group us playing "Never Have I Ever" (because when you are 19 and drinking Natty Light you need to play "revealing" games....) Someone would say, every single time, "Never have I ever....been with a guy....sexually". Literally, without fail this question would be the first one asked because I was always the only gay male in the group and I would have to put my finger down, but it was a little different this time. 

Drug Dealer  was sitting next to me and hit me a couple times in the leg to show me that he put down half a finger. He then pulled me aside after the game to have a chat. 

Drug Dealer: Did you see my finger?

Me: Why yes yes I did? Whatever did you mean with half a finger?

Drug Dealer: Well, it means that I'm not sure and I'd like to explore I think?

Me: Aww well lots of people do that in college, thanks for telling me. Lemme know if you want to talk about it more?

Something was fishy but we went back to the party like it was nothing and just drank more delicious Natty Light. The next week we were at a different party (So...I partied a lot. get over it.) and at this one Drug Dealer pulled me into a bedroom to talk again. 

Drug Dealer: I've been thinking about this a lot and you a lot

Me: Well, what exactly have you been thinking about 

Drug Dealer: I think...well... *grabs me and kisses me*

Drug Dealer: Whoa, I just kissed you. We kissed. 

Me: Ummm yes, you did just kiss me.

Drug Dealer: I can't believe I just did that. I can't believe I just kissed...you. *said with a little bit more snark, seediness then I would like*

Me: Welp, I think I am good on insults tonight...thanks. 

I stormed out in drunk dramatic fashion (Surprissseeee) and headed towards drunk food with some friends. Drug Dealer began furiously texting me saying he wanted to talk about things and fix what he said. I was not having any of it, yet I enjoyed the banter and the pining that was filling my phone. Finally I agreed to walk with him to his place and get on the bus back to my residence hall once we had finished talking. 

Drug Dealer: First off, sorry I didn't mean to sound so disgusted. 

Me: You're a real charmer. I appreciate the apology, I often like to have this happen after a kiss. 

Drug Dealer: It's just that by kissing you, I was recognizing that I am not just straight.

Me: Shocker. 

Drug Dealer: Look, I liked kissing you. I want to do it again. Thats what freaked me out. 

Me: Well, I haven't had any complaints thus far. I accept your apology.

The conversation dragged on and we discussed his feelings and what to do with all of them. We also agreed that we didn't have any feelings for each other, but there was an odd mutual attraction. Once we got back to his place...I didn't end up getting on the bus and we ended up...finding other things to do. This back and forth continued over the next year or so. The last time we "spent time" together he left his wallet in my room when he left when I went to go to the bathroom. The funny thing is, I went to the bathroom to try and figure out how to get him to leave to not spend the night. I ended up throwing the wallet out my window to him and saying we should probably not do this again. I said that all out the window. From my 4th floor apartment. Because I'm classy. 

At some point along the way he stopped selling drugs and got clean and is now married to a girl. This seems to be a theme with the Straight Men I end up "dating" or "spending time", a lot of them are married to women. (No wonder I am single...I keep turning men straight...oof). This is just one of many tales of the Straight Men of my past and why I blame many of them for my denial of the gay community for so long. Every once in awhile I get a pang for that chase...but then I remember...I'm now to lazy for that ish. 

Straight Men: not attracted to all of them, chaser of some Questionable ones

Drug Dealer: A dealer of lovin' not druggin' for me

Fabulously Lost: Putting the puzzle together as to why I am single 

To Hike or Not To Hike...

I have never been the outdoor-sy type, like ever. I never loved being in the woods or playing sports and I certainly never thought the idea of camping sounded like fun or a vacation. For the most part I blame my wonderful parents for that one. (because what are parents good for unless you can blame them for all of your weird habits and your inability to hold healthy relationships with other people? Am I right or am I right!! ZING Parents!) Once in high school I did a leadership program where we had to do an overnight camping/ropes course/team bonding thing in the woods. I died. Like literally almost died because there were no showers and it was the middle of the summer and I had to sweat in front of people like an animal. It was then that I swore off outdoor-sy things like a bad hangover.

Well I must have had severe memory loss after a night of drinking to agree to go on this date with an avid Hiker. Sometimes I go on these weird kicks where I decide I am going to overhaul my life and change everything immediately. I plan out my next moves and I tell everyone to get ready for the new and improved me. Since I was on this dating site, I decided it was time to expose myself to men I would normally avoid like the plague. I have a normal list of do's and don'ts when choosing men on these sites.

Do's:

• Likes television 
• Likes music (specifically Adele and Britney....this one isn't hard to find)
• Mentions being sassy and having a good sense of humor
• Drinks on a moderately regular basis...

(As you can see I am not hard to please...so WHY aren't there more men knockin' on my door? Mind boggling I know)

Don'ts

• Don't mention a love of the outdoors 
• Don't mention an intense love for the gym 
• Don't come across more vain than me 
• Don't mention heavy metal music
• Don't just have a pic of your body (for Grindr, yes surprisingly there are a lot of headless men out there)
• Don't mention your profession in a cocky way or talk about it too much 
• Don't mention being lazy as a positive thing
• Don't look grungy

The Don'ts list could actually go on forever, but those are some of my top ones. When I go through these "life" changing kicks I decide to wipe my do's and don'ts lists clean and try out new people. Who knows, my future hubby might get me into camping and shooting things and we might have a farm when we grow old. I pictured the Brawny man swooping me up in his muscle-y arms and teaching me all the manly things in the world.

(I literally just said "blech" typing that out. I will never have a farm or live on one. This pile of masculine is best found in wet dreams...)  

Well, Hiker decided to message me during one of these kicks and I decided to be Gung-ho about it, to the point of looking up the possibility of buying good hiking shoes for our weekly dates outdoors. Hiker messaged me about life and where I was in the grand scheme of things. He actually messaged me at one point and asked me about how I felt about Mother Earth....and I still went out on a date with him. NOT only did we go on a date, but our date involved hiking. I agreed to go hiking on a first date. Hell actually froze over that day. 

We met at some trail near my parents house in Ellicott City that, apparently, had the "most beautiful views of landscape." In my true fabulous nature, I showed up to the date wearing jeans and a button down (plaid, of course) with my shoes that looked like they could be Timberland's but were really just a cute non-boot boot. I thought, even out in nature, one should look cute for their first date. Welp, I was extremely wrong and would later end up getting rid of those cute shoes because they get ruined. Hiker shows up and is wildly surprised to see me standing there in this outfit. 

Hiker: Hey! Did you bring a change of clothes?

Me: Whaaa? Haha no silly! This is what I am wearing 

Hiker: I mean you look great, but we are going off the trail and hiking in the woods. I don't want you to ruin your nice clothing

Me: Thank you, that's so sweet! I'm glad you think I look great.

I had obviously ignored his blatant warnings and all I heard was that I looked great. I mean, he should have told me we would be going off the beaten path...more than he already did? Anywhoz, we began walking and talking and getting along fairly well for the first 5minutes. Then things began to head south and I realized what I had gotten myself into. 

Did you guys know that there are a lot of bugs out there? Also, trees cover the sun but they don't remove my ability to sweat. We had literally been walking 5min before I felt the first drip trickle down my forehead. It was one drop that felt like a tsunami to me. I knew what was happening, my body was about to release the flood gates of hell and unleash its sweaty-ness in all its glory. I brushed this one droplet off my forehead and began to get nervous. Oh...and I sweat more when I'm nervous about sweating. (Isn't this an attractive quality? It doesn't just happen on dates, it happens on interviews, during confrontations, and when I'm dancing with someone at the bar [i'm always nervous i'm a bad dancer, when we all know I'm Shakira])

Just as I feel my back moistening we decide to take a sharp turn and climb up this mountain. And when I say we decided I really mean Hiker, because I would've preferred sitting in an air conditioned cafe. The conversation also didn't stray from the outdoors either. 

Hiker: So...you said that hiking is one of your favorite activities, do you always go dressed so nice?

Me: You are totes winning brownie points! One always must look his best, right?

Hiker: So what are your favorite trails around here?

Me: This one. *mopes forehead for third time*

Hiker: Oh, cool. Have you ever gone off the trail like this?

Me: All the time *tries to slyly check for pit stains, shudders when they are present*

Hiker: I want to go along the Appalachian at some point. Quit work and just take my time going from Maine all the way down. 

Me: Would you have to camp? Where do you go to the bathroom? This doesn't sound so pleasant.

Hiker: I thought you went camping all the time?

 Me: *crickets* 

As you can see I took some liberties and adjusted my profile to best fit the type of man I wanted to help me with my life change. Unfortunately his annoying questions about things I had no idea about didn't bode well for me. The real winner at this point was...welp there was no real winner. I'm sure he was wondering when it had monsoon-ed because I was now wearing a different colored shirt and I was wondering why he had decided to take me on a death march. 

The only time I feel it is permissible to sweat in front of someone you are dating is when you are at the gym (Lord knows why you would ever go to the gym with someone you are dating...), or if you are dancing at the club and everyone is one ball of disgusting sweat. This date was a fail and a half. It was then I realized that I am meant for the finer things in life...like indoor activities. My idea of a vacation involves mojitos, a hotel, and possibly a spa...most definitely not sweating and pooping in the ground. Hiker and I finished the trail early and parted ways without so much as a promise of connecting later. I think he knew I had lied on my profile, which I ended up switching back to sounding more like me. 

Internet Dating: A resounding 8.5

Fabulously Lost: .5

Hiking: Not for everyone, especially this queen

Cute Hiking Clothing: Nonexistent