Summer 2013: Life as a Nomadic Homosexual

Here's the truth: I was going to write an entire post dedicated to the ridiculousness of MTV's Video Music Awards. I was going to discuss Justin Timberlake, *NSYNC, Robin, and of course Miley, but I struggled with it for most of the day.

There were a lot of things to make fun of, and there were a lot of funny things that were swirling in my mind. Anyone who follows me on Twitter saw my reactions first-hand, and I was shocked most of the way through.

However, talking about all of that, for me, would minimize the performance that I think should have been the "bring the house down" moment — "Same Love," performed by Macklemore, Ryan Lewis, Jennifer Hudson, and the perfectly imperfect Mary Lambert. Marriage equality won another battle and that's as far as I want to delve into the VMAs.

(Umm... yeah.)

Reader (that's you): Excuse me? Did you just get all weird and emotional on us?

Me: OMG! NO! Stop twisting my words! I just, sometimes, well, I HAVE ALL OF THE FEELS!

Reader: Way to make this awkward. 

Me: Well, the jokes on you, madam or sir, I have always made things awkward. So, you know, you really had that one coming.

Reader: Touche, Mr. Lost, Touche. Do we still get a post?

Me: Of course! I'm not an ANIMAL. I just wanted to address the giant elephant (or teddy bear, if you're Miley) in the room. Can I tell you some ridiculousness from my summer?

Reader: We have all been wondering why the hell you haven't posted all summer. We thought you gave up on us or life... or both. Did you?

Me: NOPE! Let's talk about the highs and lows together... READY?

Reader: We are never, ever completely ready... but let's go?

Summer 2013: Life as a Nomadic Homosexual, Pt. 1

This past summer was ridiculous, wonderful, exhausting, expensive, and fairly homosexual. I already divulged the details of Pride Month, but now it's time to discuss the aftermath of the booziest month of my life.

(Maybe not huge...)

Ooh Ooh Baby

Not only is that the name of a spectacular Britney song, it's also something that I have been saying in a far more innocent way all summer. You know you all have that one friend who got their life together WAY before you ever did? Graduated from college, got a job, fell in love, and got married in a beautiful ceremony? You're left standing there, asking yourself if it's time for you to buckle down and get serious about finding love or continue going to the same bars every weekend. That's when the DJ drops your favorite tune and a Britney song was on. 

(Hey, I never said I wouldn't sprinkle this post with Miley references.)

Well, those friends with their lives together are now having babies... and I am ramotional about it. Girl Next Door used to live across the street from me growing up and is my oldest friend in ze world. She was even crazy enough to have me as her Man of Honor in her wedding. (I know what you're thinking: She trusted me to give a speech? That she did friends, that she did.) Girl Next Door became pregnant late last year and gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy in mid-June. I have learned three things about pregnancy and birth from GND. 

1. Pregnancy is kinda hard because of getting larger, but mostly because you are forced into sobriety. I made the mistake of handing GND a big ol' bottle of wine the night she told me she was pregnant. 

(We have, since, had wine.)

2. Babies make a crap ton of weird noises and there is a constant flow of bodily fluids. They also have ZERO manners. This little Nugget of mine (Yes, I am calling him mine and he shall be known as Nugget. Shove it.) just let's one rip during the quietest of moments, THEN he expects you to clean it up. Reasons I know I am not ready for a child — dirty diapers and smelly babies aren't "cute" to me yet. 

(Ok, Nugget, you don't smell as bad as Courtney Love. You win this round.)

3. People give you a LOT of crap for having a baby. GND is the first of my friends back home to have a kid, so every time I turned around one of us was handing over some sort of something that we found and JUST had to let Nugget have. I am hoping because I am the only gay one in many of my groups of friends, that when I have a kid everyone will just hand me things because of the novelty of a homosexual having a kid. I just have to figure out how to monopolize on this before every gay man starts having a kid...

(Maniacal laughter ensues)

Campfire Nightmares

Guys... guys... GUYS! A couple weeks ago, I went to British Cowgirl's lake house in the boonies of PA. It was actually really fantastic to get out of the hustle and bustle of... D.C.? (I felt terrible and cliche for typing that. Who says that? Us big city folks need to unwind and go somewhere quiet and quaint! Ugh.)

This town has a population around 340 and is literally up in the mountains. Every year, for British Cowgirl's birthday, we head up to the house and party like its 1999. That was all fine and good... except this year the "group" decided to go on a hike. I agreed to go because of my love for British Cowgirl, not because I find the outdoors exhilarating. (I take my father's philosophy on the sightseeing — "They are nice to drive, boat or fly by.") Five minutes into our hike, my best friends decided to go OFF THE TRAIL. 

("Death comes to those who off-trail hike." It's in the Bible or something.)

I want you to understand how ill-prepared I am for hiking in general, let alone "off roading" it. Everyone was ecstatic this year because I remembered to bring sneakers, instead of flip-flops, for hiking. While everyone else was getting into their spandex, tank tops, and other sporty gear, I put on gay-ish cut-off shorts and a plaid button-down. (Plaid = lumberjack = appropriate hiking wear. Do the math.) I basically looked like I was heading to Bear Happy Hour. (Yes, that is a real thing). I knew my casually cute outfit would be lost on the nature creatures that were most certainly going to eat me, but I trudged on like a trooper to appease the masses. 

Slowly, our little group started to realize that, even for the most experienced hikers, this was a little bit much. We were literally hanging on to rocks to keep from falling into the water. I had been quietly afraid of poison ivy and attempted to avoid touching any plants. Then, it got to a point where I was either going to submerse my body into the plants or tumble down the side of the mountain into the river.  Suddenly, it was decided that the best way to get back to our cars would be to CROSS THE RIVER and see if the other side would be easier. 

(I'm probably just going to use J. Law to explain my emotions from here on out.)

I had two options in this sick version of Hunger Games my friends had thrown me in. (See, I am even using her movies. #obsessed) I could either venture across the mildly raging river with them and hope for an easier path home, OR forge my own way back up the mountain and hope that I could do it without assistance this time. Since I had no Louis to my Clark, I decided to trek with my friends.

(This is calm compared to what I crossed. OK, OK... maybe, JUST maybe, I am exaggerating.)

My first of many mistakes was taking off my shoes to cross. As soon as I stepped out onto my first rock, I started to lose my balance. I watched my friends cross one way, and I decided to try and cross just half a foot over from their path. Fail. The first step I took on my own path led me into water that was up to my upper thighs. (Remember, I am wearing cute cut-off shorts, not hiking shorts.) Laughter ensues from my friends, and I contemplate all the ways I am going to murder them. 

I hobble back to the regulated path they had sort of created and tried to very slowly follow my other friend, who is as close to Pocahontas as I am to Bear Grylls. I watch her stumble and submerge her shoes in the water. The laughter switches over to her from me for a few minutes, and I quietly thank baby jebus that my shoes are still dry.

The rocks feel like they are getting more unstable with every step, and I am losing my confidence in my poor coordination skills. What upsets me the most about what happens next is that I decided to stand, completely still, and figure out what my next moves were when my center of balance decided to shift and my legs buckled. What it looked like to all of my friends was that I randomly decided to SIT in the water up to my shoulders.

(Fear not, I was not as graceful as this.)

I sat in the water for a moment, contemplated just laying completely down and letting the river do what it wanted with my body. Instead, I got up and trudged through the rest of the river with a bit more confidence, because I had nothing left to give nature — my dignity had floated away already. The rest of the hike wasn't terrible, even though I was soaked.

I took a total of five showers in a 48-hour period, because I don't do dirty. For all of my complaining, the weekend is usually a lot of fun and it's my chance to be "outdoorsy" like my dating profiles say I am! 

Four Days Later

I woke up last Wednesday with red bumps all over my wrist. I panicked and immediately sent Mama and Papa Fab an email, asking them if I had bed bugs and giving them a brief overview of my will. I spent an hour and a half at work, on and off, looking up bed bugs and trying to decide if all this work to get rid of bed bugs was worth it, or if I should just move. (Thank. God. I. Am. Not. Dra.ma.tic. *gay claps*)

I worked myself up into such a panic that I left work early to go to the doctor and have her tell me when my expiration date was. Much to my shock, awe, pleasure and dismay, she told me I was being ridiculous and that this was obviously poison ivy. 

(My second worst fear, behind bed bugs, of course.)

The doctor sent me along my way with steroid cream, a renewed outlook on life, and a reason to email all of my friends and talk about myself. 

Miley: Oh, dear.

Readers: Apparently, you are very judgey in my mind. I don't appreciate it, so stop. 

Babies: Small aliens...

Hiking: Dangerous and could lead to getting your arm chopped off, "127 Hours"-style. 

Fabulously Lost: Diseased and on the verge of death. Or, I might be cured in five days. 

Liebster Award!

Before I explain what the title of this post means I want to explain where I was last week. You see, I have this issue where I work too much for my own good and I get really tired. After I got back from New York I worked nonstop and by the time I got home, all I wanted to do was veg out and watch some Sabrina the Teenage Witch (Yes, grown adults can watch a T.V. show about a teenage witch. No, I don't feel weird about it. You're the weird one. #rude) Anywho, I was also really sick the whole week, so I whined a lot and spent a lot of time wearing my "Look! I've given up on life" clothing. It wasn't pretty. These are all excuses for my extreme laziness....but...HERE I AM!

(This is what I imagine all of you doing when seeing that I have posted. Also, based off of commercials, this is how I feel it must be to have a tampon.)

Ok, so, you may be asking yourself what the hell is this Liebster Award and why on God's green earth should you care, right? Welp, I asked myself the same thing and I was honored to find out my good friend and fellow blogger Arielle nominated me for this lovely award. (She lives a rad life on a yacht working as a nanny and traveling the globe. She blogs about her travels. I hate/love her. #heyjealousy) It goes to up and coming bloggers and is a way for us to share each others blogs with our audiences. It's a good way of promoting each other, but also a fun and new way to be vain. Blogging is already pretty vain because we assume people are going to enjoy reading our work and we assume we are talented enough to write. I get it, I embrace it, I am vain and I do think this song is about me. (Ughhh I just want you to like me... please don't judge me) Part of receiving this award is writing a post where you answer questions about yourself and post facts about yourself. Below you are going to get to find out so much info about me! GET EXCITED! 

Here are the rules of the post: 

• When you receive the award, you post 11 random facts about yourself and answer 11 questions from the person who nominated you.
• Pass the award onto 11 other blogs (make sure you tell them you nominated them!) and ask them 11 questions.
• You are not allowed to nominate the blog who nominated you!
• Make sure the blogs you chose have 200 or LESS followers

I'm adding a challenge for myself - Each fact will turn into a future post, promising you 11 posts in the near future. BOOM. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. (I just overwhelmed myself. I need more coffee): 

11 Facts: 

1. The first time I ever left the country was in March 2010 when I went to Oman and Qatar in the Middle East. (Facts: They don't like gay people. Facts: It's hard to contain fabulousness.)

2. The first time I went to NY without my parents was on a field trip in 10th grade. I lied to my teacher and told her I knew my way around the city. We ended up walking from 79th and Columbus to 28th and 7th. (If you are slow with math...I made them walk 51 blocks because I was too proud to admit I was wrong)

3. I spent 6months in high school using my homosexuality as a way to climb the social circuit. (I fancied myself the gay Regina George) To this day, I have never been as cool as I was during those 6 months. 

4. To lose weight in college I would make my "drunk food" before going out. I would save money and then I wouldn't feel as bad about eating, because it was a sandwich or a salad. (The bag of chips I devoured to accompany it never helped)

5. I worked at a gym in college and refused to conform to the dress code because I didn't think black polos did anything for my body type (Read also: round). So I would wear button downs underneath the black polo's to add "pizzaz" and I wore boat shoes instead of sneakers. (Sometimes I hate/love 18yr old me)

6. I am in the process of planing a trip to Spain to visit one of my best friends from college. Our similar interests include: Tequila, Spanish men, Will&Grace, European Men, Tequila, gay clubs, Tequila, and Patron. (This will be happening in April/May. Updates to come)

7. I have always casually wished my life were a 90s sitcom/teen dramady. (Literally, that's just a fact. No need to explain further)

8. When I picked up my coffee this morning the Starbucks barista hit on me because I am wearing a California sweatshirt. During the hitting on process, he told me he has no car, lives with his parents (Shut it...I'm moving out soon), and would like to live a drifter lifestyle. He asked if I wanted to hangout sometime....I said yes and gave him my number. (Facts: I have no standards)

9. My ultimate life dream would be to be on a talk show. If I could be Regis Philban, I would literally die of sheer happiness. 

10. I have a list of celebrity women I would go straight for. (Ehhhh...women I would love to be best friends with is probs a better description)

11. I have three songs that I am convinced I can sing and would get me a record deal if the right people heard me sing them. I cannot sing any other songs. I would be a three hit wonder. (One of the songs is from Rent...so a 2-hit wonder)

Answers to Arielle's questions: 

Where is your favorite place you’ve been to so far?

• I am going to answer this based off of places outside of the country (cause I love 'Murica and I have to many fav places here). I would have to say, at the moment, I had the most fun in Muscat, Oman. I was 21 and was with an amazing group of people. I snorkeled in the Arabian sea...surreal. 

What is one of your pet peeves?

• I have actually written a piece about Things I Arbitrarily Hate, but I have lots of pet peeves. One of my biggest ones, and I blame Papa Fabulous for this one, is chewing with your mouth open. The answer is no, I don't like "See-food" (HAHAH GET IT. No. I hate you food showers)

What are three things you can’t live without?

• Christmas, my Family, and cheese. (I fucking love cheese and I'm proud of it)

Where is your least favorite place you’ve been to so far?

• This is very specific. I disliked the Milwaukee Airport in Wisconsin. Why, you might ask? Because my flight to LA last year went through there and when I arrived at 8pm thinking I was going to get a nice meal during my 3hr delay (due to an irrational amount of snow) I found that EVERYTHING had closed. Like literally, the airport shut down around 7:30pm. I asked if this was due to the snow...and they said they just closed every night at 7:30pm. HOW? How is that a sustainable business model? I shake my fist at you Milwaukee. 

Where have you been that surprised you in terms of what you were expecting?

• Ummm...I would say its more so the people I was surprised by. There are these two fabulous Pakistani girls who I met in Qatar that I have stayed in touch through Facebook. I never told them I was gay when I was there, but since they are my fb friends, they see all the flamboyant things I post. They have liked and commented on a lot of my posts about equal rights. #swoon

What’s your favorite book?

• I love reading. If I had to choose one...I would have to say Holidays on Ice by David Sedaris. My parents got me a signed first edition copy of the book. Also...Kathy Griffin's book made me pee my pants a little. 

What is your favorite animal?

• Hippogriff 

What has been your proudest moment so far?

• Ugh, DEEP question. I would have to say being asked to be my best friends Man of Honor was a pretty big deal. Breaking gender stereotypes and getting to stand next to her on her wedding day was big for me. (So emotional. Ugh)

What is your favorite food?

• See also: Things I cannot live without

What is one thing you regret?

• I ate pop-tarts and cheetos right before getting a stomach virus in middle school. I have never been able to have either one of those things since. I wish I had had something like brussel sprouts or kale. 

If you had three wishes, what would they be?

• I would normally go the route of the beauty pageant and say "World peace" or some shit like that, but I'm gonna go ahead and say what everyone is thinking and not saying. 

1. I want to do dirty things with Ryan Gosling and Usher at the same time. Then I want to live a polygamist lifestyle with them.
2. I want Adele to sing at my unconventional wedding to Usher and Ryan Gosling
3. I want to be best friends with Emma Stone and Taylor Swift. (We can write songs and make each other laugh and discuss Christmas Tree Farms. Plus Emma and I can discuss Ryan Gosling's rockin' bod and she can tell me how he talks about my sweet love making skills on set. #dreamz)

                                                                                             

(Ryan is obviously eagerly waiting me)     

        

 (OMG I sweat too Usher! #twinsies)

                    

Now: 11 Q's from me to my fav bloggers: 

1. What is your spirit animal? (Betty White is my main one, but I have a couple)

2. If you could be rich and famous like the Kardashians, would you be okay with a sex tape being released? (this one has boggled me for years. I'm still not sure)

3. In a fight to the death, who would you bet your money on: Taylor Swift or Miley Cyrus? Why?

4. Favorite Housewife from The Real Housewives series?

5.  If you had to go blind or lose the ability to walk, which would you choose? YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE ONE.

6. What would be the one food you could eat every day for the rest of your life?

7. Favorite song?

8. Harry Potter or Sabrina the Teenage Witch - which type of magical powers would you like to have?

9. If you could be the most amazing dancer or singer in the world...which would you choose? (I go dancer because I can already sing three songs pretty amazingly)

10. Who is your favorite diva?

11. What is your most embarrassing moment?

11 Blogs I love (or however many I name...cause idk if I can name 11):

http://ericajmoss.com/

http://lizzybess.blogspot.com/

http://joshuavjohn.com/

http://www.jennpedde.com/

Real Talk: I read a lot of mainstream blogs that have way more than 200 readers. HELL, these blogs above might have more than 200 readers. I think I need to start being more hipster about my blog choices....more things to work on. 

So, as you can see, this was a total vanity piece...BUT...I have also promised to elaborate on the 11 facts from above. I will start....TOMORROW. Look out for a post about one of the 11 facts. 

Fabulously Lost: Casually vain, hardcore interested in being Regis Philiban

Arielle: Awesome fellow blogger

Nominated Bloggers: I have only told one so far...others still in the dark

The Honey Boo Boo Drinking Game

As the time descends upon us to watch another round of America's favorite redneck family, I wanted to share with you a little interactive game I have come up with. With most things in life, you can enhance them with a drink or two (this is not alcoholism...its FACTS), so why not take the most glorious television show out there and add a drink or two...or seven. So please enjoy The Honey Boo Boo Drinking Game  created by yours truly.

(I'd just like to thank Anderson Cooper for constantly bringing joy into my life)

Official Rules

Drink When:

• Someone burps
• Someone passes gas or talks about passing gas 
• (Take a shot every time) The first two happen at the same time 
• Glitzy Ooo's herself 
• Chickadee talks about being pregnant 
• Alana or Mama refer to Alana as Honey Boo Boo (Schemin' to create a catchphrase. WELL played rednecks...well played)
• Sugar Bear spits his dip 
• Pumpkin appears for an interview (mainly because I think she is my favorite.)
• Chubbs eats something off of her diet 
• Mama mentions her diet while eating junk food 
• Anyone mentions being a redneck 
• (Take a shot) if they get rid of Glitzy, the bestest gay pageant pig there ever was

You should be extremely intoxicated by the end of the two episodes and I would love to hear how it goes for everyone. I will be watching along with you this fine evening and will have an update for you tomorrow on the various mishaps of my favorite bumbling family, and I will be re-watching on Thursday with a group of people playing this very drinking game. It's a week of Honey Boo Boo, and I don't hate it. 

Over the last few weeks people have been debating whether this show is good television or if it is mocking the poor for the upper crust of societies amusement. I am here to dispute ALL of that nonsensical chatter (mainly because I chuckle at being referred to as the "upper crust" of anything). Yes, this show makes these people out to be redneck fools who burp, fart, and chortle their way through life, but it also shows a different side of America. Are we to ignore that there are families out there that exist like this? Are we to pretend that this isn't something that we find amusing and just let society be? I think this provides a different outlet for America to see that behind the ridiculous antics that the family puts themselves in (for which they are making good money) they are a solid family unit that seem to care about each other a great deal...something the upper crust often has missing.

We have seen hundreds of shows over the last several decades that focus on every move that the upper middle class and the rich do. Aren't we also making a mockery of the "rich" on all of the Real Housewives shows? The whole point of that show is to watch these women bicker, buy rich things, and find enjoyment as they squander after the recession hit them too hard or after we find out they don't have the money they claimed to have. We, as a society, enjoy watching these types of shows because it gives us a view at what the other side is like, in both ways. So PLEASE, enjoy this show and get effin DRUNK while watching it. 

(Is it bad that I kinda want to go to there?)