GCILF: Gay Celebrities I'd Like to F...

Recently we have had an outpouring of celebrities coming out in a very casual manner (Yes all two of them in the last 2 weeks means an outpouring). As I began thinking about the different celebrities that have come out in the last few years, I realized there were a lot of them that I would gladly welcome into my boudoir if they happened to be interested in a sassy twenty-something in Baltimore. (I'm still holding out hope...). So then I started thinking if this group of attractive out celebrities wound up in a line at my door, who would I choose to go first? (they would obviously all make their way in...in due time, my friends, in due time.)

8. Cheyenne Jackson- Some of you may not know who he is, and I am a-okay with that. (Just means he can get back in line quicker for a ride on the...ok I'm going to stop).  He has been a constant on the Broadway scene for most of the '00s and has recently delved into comedic acting with stints on Glee and 30 Rock. The only thing stopping me from nabbing this tall, dark, and handsome singer is his husband, who he has been with for the last 11 years. (Not that that seems like a legit deterrent or anything...). Alas, he is still on my list of bang-able Out Celebrities.

7. Lance Bass - Now, I feel like I am getting a lot of judgement from you and I need you to bear with me as I explain this choice. Lance has had an interesting ride over the last 15 years and I have been with him every step of the way. Back when *Nsync was big I was always a Justin fan first, but Lance wasn't far behind. Maybe it was because, even then as a pre-pubescent teen, my gaydar could pick up that he was a flaming fairy through my portable cd player (side-note: do they make those anymore? my light blue one that I might've put flower stickers on doesn't really work anymore...). Lance was the first boy-bander to come out in a very public manner, thanks to People Magazine, and I am sure he isn't the only one (I'm looking at you JC Chasez and Nick Carter). I feel like that was brave and he seems to be friends with Kathy Griffin, the biggest fruit fly out there. He also seems like a disaster....so I am immediately attracted. Yes, I believe I have stated my "I will pity sleep with Lance Bass" case very well. 

(Yes...I would still sleep with him even though he tried to go to space. I'd make him wear the suit too...)

6. Ricky Martin - Considering my previous inclination towards "ethnic" men, are you really surprised he is on there? I have had a thing for Ricky since he first came onto the scene and as his sexually "ambiguous" life was plastered across the tabloids, which I always followed in close detail. (Maybe it had something to do with his penchant for being photographed in a speedo...but that's neither here nor there). My yearning to be with this Latin beauty was probably solidified when he performed Nobody Wants to Be Lonely with another hot mess fav of mine, Xtina Aguilera.

 

It's like he was singing to my soul when he sang this. How does one top a moment like this? Ohhh I don't know, maybe by then becoming a doting father of twins? Maybe its been my recent southern upbringing or has something to do with my odd wish to be bare foot and pregnant like any other good southern belle, but this became a huge turn on for me. (I am well aware that I cannot become preggers. But I will die trying). Ricky most certainly deserves multiple places on my "GCILF" list. (I feel like I need a moment with this song and the picture below...dayummmm).

5. Channing Tatum - Ok, I know what you are going to say "Oh.Em.Gizzle, Channing is married and is so straight. He, like, does girls while he is dancing and shit." And I totally see why one might think that he is one hunk of straight man meat, but he has said himself he is bisexual. That means he is one half mine. Allllll mine. I will gladly take my half and make my half dance on a pole like there is no tomorrow. That being said, he is easily one of the worst actors we have out there, he is stiff, he is emotionless, and all of his scenes become wildly more interesting once his shirt is off. Even with all of that, Channing needs to continue making movies where he dances because...well...because his body speaks to me. Literally. It says "Please lets have sexual intercourse." It's the weirdest thing for me too don't worry. I feel like when someone has a "God-like" experience like that, I need to follow it and make sure it comes true. Oh, Channing, we will be together one day...I am sure of it. 

(Yeah...the basketball and the cowboy hat make this rulllll straight. All we need is the other shirtless village people and everyone will think he is suppa straight)

4.  James Franco- "Two people in a row with their sexuality in question?? MY GOD what is he thinking??!?!" That's what I assume you are thinking and I will gently scoff at you and turn away. I feel like this one should come as less a surprise then Mr. "I look better with my clothes off". I mean Franco has spent the better part of the last 6 years playing gay characters on the screen very convincingly. I mean cahmmm ahhhn he took a part on a soap opera, AFTER he was already famous! It confused me and then I thought to myself, "Hey Self, this probs means Franco is even more homosexual then we originally thought." Then I was content with myself and my thoughts. But, in all seriousness, behind that stoner facade (Which we know I am attracted too...),  there is a genuine guy who is constantly on the move and in love with New York (Which I am in love with too...). He is also set to be "Oz" in the new prequel to the Wizard of Oz (Which is one of my favorite movies of all time...) movie where we get to find out how "Oz" becomes ruler. As you can see, his magical, stoner, sexually ambiguous New Yorker attitude has me wanting to show up to his door in nothing but a trenchcoat holding a bottle of Andre.  

3. Neil Patrick Harris - Probably the most famous homosexual celeb out there right now, he most certainly deserves a spot on my list. NPH has had a career and life that I have envied more than any other celebrity out there. He was a child television star who disappeared after the show ended, he did some bit parts on random shows over the latter part of the 90s and then ended up starring in several shows on Broadway in the early '00s. He smoothly transitioned back into being in a television star on (one of my favorites..) How I Met Your Mother. Not to mention, he has an amazingly attractive fiance, whom he has been in a healthy relationship with since 2004. Oh...and did I mention he is a dad to two of the cutest twins in Hollywood? I don't know if I want to sleep with NPH or steal his life in a weird Lifetime Movie manner...jury is still out on that one. I do know, I would probably gladly accept any invitation he and his hubby have for me, whether its into their bedroom or just over for one of the fancy cocktail parties I assume they have on a regular basis with all of their posh Hollywood friends. (I don't spend a lot of time wishing I was them at all...I promise...)

2. Anderson Cooper - You didn't think I'd make a list without including the "Silver Fox" did you? He came out in a subtle way to a reporter friend of his through a well crafted letter. Now his "coming out" was not a big surprise to...well, to anyone, but it was still a big deal. He has always been on my radar of intriguing men I'd like to be with. Maybe it's his Vanderbilt lineage, or his dangerous "behind enemy lines" lifestyle, or maybe it's just because he seems ridiculously charming but I am always captivated when I watch him. Unlike Lance Bass, the Silver Fox is actually bff's with Kathy Griffin and they hang out all the time. I can't tell if I want to be best friends with the two of them or be in a weird menage a trois with them...either one would be hysterical. Either way, I need more of the Silver Fox in my life. 

(It's like he is looking into my soul...ugh I melt)

1. Frank Ocean - I know that he is fairly new on the "Out Celebrities" list and a lot of you don't know who he is...but I sure as hell do. If you asked me who this guy was a month ago I probably would've guessed he was either a 1950s movie star (his name is so classic! Don't side-eye me) or, if I racked my brain enough, I would've told you he sings..or something. But then he came out, dropped his debut solo cd, and stole my heart all in one fell swoop. You may notice, he is the only black man on my abbreviated list of GCILF's and that has something to do with the lack of out black male celebrities out there. But, that is not what I'd like to address here, instead I want to focus on all things Frank Ocean. In the last couple of weeks he has eloquently come out, in a letter I can only wish I had written, released his first single off of his CD, which is written about his first love (a man! how wonderful!), and received ongoing support from literally everyone and anyone (including Beyonce...ugh to receive her approval...a gay boy can wish). I also began following him on Twitter, which he seems to use freely as the thoughts that pop into his head, which means hours of endless pleasure for me as he recounts his most pointless of thoughts as well as his deepest feelings. Yes, I would say Mr. Ocean is the number 1 gay celebrity I would like to...to...make sweet babies with! 

There are plenty more where they came from. I have an endless list of "out" and "almost out" and "I wish you'd flippin' come out because it would make me happy" people I'd like to put mood music on with and see where the night takes us. These men are the ones who have played prominent roles in my life and the men's lives I'd like to play a prominent role in (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, nodddd). 

On a completely different note, I am currently on vacation in Ogunquit, ME (which likes to refer to itself as the Provincetown of Maine. Which if you don't know what that means....I feel sorry for you), and the fam has decided to join me on a venture to the gay club in town. Yes, thats right, we are going to the gay club in town...probably tonight. Why, oh why, would I want the whole fam trekking down there, one might ask. Well, simple, there is a drag show at 8pm tonight and there is no other way I'd like to bond with my fam then over a few saucy drag queens while downing some scrumptious gin and diet tonics. I will most certainly be reporting back to you how this adventure goes. 

Fabulously Lost: Ready to go all stalker and shit on some celebs

GCILF: Needz them to prepare for our whoopy makin'

Family: Too supportive 

Single Status: Still in check 

My Accidental Boyfriend

Over the last several years I have had the "opportunity" to go on dates galore with people who I met in various walks of life (read: met online). There was a time, though, when I wasn't so desperate for a boyfriend and all I wanted was a casual make out here and there and maybe a fun person to hang out with. (I'm gonna need you to refrain judgement...it was college.). I talked a big game about how I wanted to find Mr. Right and how I wanted to fall in love and yadda yadda yadda, but in reality commitment scared the bejezzus out of me when I was 19/20 and was the last thing I wanted. One summer, I accidentally found myself in a semi-serious relationship. (Yes...accidentally.)

The summer after my sophomore year at UMD made me feel like I was hot shit. I had a sweet managing job at a fancy chocolate store in the mall (total babe magnet...) and I was also working at the gym on campus a couple days a week. (I have not missed the irony that I worked in a chocolate store and a gym...) I, too, find it odd that I worked at a gym in college. For someone who loathes working out and sweating as much as I do, I spent more time there than my own apartment some weeks.  Then again a lot of my life decisions don't have much rhyme or reason to them...if they did, I probably wouldn't be writing about all of this to you. 

Anywhoz, the days I worked at the gym that summer I would stay down in College Park with one of my straight male bffs (remember, I was the anti-gay gay). We would drink the night away with Kentucky Gentleman and play guitar hero (these were some of my straightest acting nights of all time). But there were random days over the summer, mostly clustered near the end, where he wasn't available and I needed to find another place to crash for the night. That's where Drug Dealer #2 came into play. (I was attracted to danger, assholes, not to the drugs! I'm clean as a whistle!)

Drug Dealer #2 and I met right before Winter break my sophomore year in the residence halls. My NJ Bffl introduced us on a whim and I thought he looked like a wretched degenerate with stoner eyes. (Ahhh true love). He had this long greasy hair always tied in a pony tail, wore these God awful beanies, and always looked like he had clothes that were meant for a 300lb man (he was tops 130...hey jealousy). I was thoroughly unimpressed with him, and the only thing he had going for him at the time was that he was straight. (Burn the gayzz! Seriously, I had an odd amount of angst for gay people. Yet I was all about being an activist....don't ask)

(Why yes this is the odd man who dated Mischa Barton and exposed his ballz to the world. Apparently he is a pop artist now. Drug Dealer #2 had this type of hair. blech)

I honestly thought nothing of him, that is, until he walked back in the doors from break looking like a completely different person. Drug Dealer #2 used his Winter break more productively than anyone else I had ever met. He cut off his hair and left this sloppy, yet perfectly placed, hair do. He got form fitting (even tight!) clothing and he shaved off his sorry excuse for a mustache (Seriously...I felt like I had walked into a 90s porno when I met him...). I literally didn't know it was him as he walked to the elevator and waved at me. 

(Why yes, he did end up looking like late 90s/early 00s teen heart throb Chad Michael Murray. And yes, I did have a massive soft spot for CMM...especially when he was on Dawson's Creek. Facts)

I was in shock and all I wanted to do was retract all of my previous statements about him and jump into the closest twin sized bed with him and find a way for two men to procreate. (Is it impossible? Yes. Would we ever stop trying? Hellz no!). I, somehow, weaseled my way into a random invite to hang out with him and some of his friends a few days after getting back from break. I spent the whole time making them laugh, which wasn't terribly hard because they were blazed and everything was funny to them. It still made my ego inflate three times its normal size (little victories..) and as I was leaving their room, Drug Dealer #2 pulled me outside to chat. 

Drug Dealer #2: Hey, so that was the most fun I've had in awhile. We should definitely hang out more, here's my number.

Me: Yeah totally, so much laughter. Uhhh ok well I just texted you so give me a call when you wanna hang out again.

Drug Dealer #2: Oh, I don't do that. You can call or text me when you want to hang out.

Me: Excuse me? You don't do what?

Drug Dealer #2: I don't contact people, people contact me. 

Me: Oh, well, good luck with that. I'm gonna wait til you text me now...so maybe see you never?

Drug Dealer #2: Wait, are you serious? Thats fuckin' dumb. Just text me later I wanna see you.

Me: I think I will wait it out. I don't need rules for having friends.

Yup, that happened. No matter how much you resemble my high school love fantasy, I am stubborn as a bull. I was very turned off by the cockiness of this man/boy who had just recently turned into hotty mchotterson. 

So I left and had no plans of talking to him again. Three days later I get a call from him around 11pm, to my general shock and awe. 

Drug Dealer #2: Look, I don't do this and I'm not sure why I'm doing this now, but come hang out with me

Me: Ohhh looky looky, you've decided I am good enough to contact. I am oh so pleased, I will have to ring my parents to tell them of this wonderful moment. (there is a very real reason I am still single...)

Drug Dealer #2: Fuck, Fabulous, just come upstairs. I just really want to see you. 

I literally had lost all the sassiness I had built up for this moment I wasn't even sure was going to happen. My jaw had hit the ground and I wasn't completely sure what to do with this weird new friendship that was about to begin. Drug Dealer #2 was dating another one of my friends at the time, who came with her own set of baggage, but she was very in-tune with the LGBT community. For some reason she used to tell me all the time that she thought Drug Dealer #2 was into me, but she wasn't perturbed by it at all...(like I said, she had her own baggage to worry about).

We had this friendship that confused the masses because he was such a big druggie and I wasn't into any of that at all. He would drop acid with his friends and then I would join them later and mess with them. (My favorite thing to do was tell them that the floor was the ceiling and the ceiling was the floor. I made one of them cry when I did that....little pleasures). While I had the initial attraction to Drug Dealer #2, after he had said all the stuff about not texting people to hangout I had lost most of that and thought of him purely as a friend. (A weird, drug dealing friend who drunk dialed me most nights...)

So, back to the original point, Drug Dealer #2 was my back-up apartment to sleep at when I couldn't sleep over with my straight male bffl. The second half of the summer it turned into at least one night a week over at Drug Dealer #2's apartment. At the beginning we would go out with a group of people, then it turned into only a few of us, and after a couple weeks Drug Dealer #2 was telling me he didn't really want to go out anymore. He asked me to stay in with him because he was going to try and stop drinking as much. (I pointed out the continued pot smoking, but that didn't seem to phase him). I agreed to stay in with him at least one of the nights I was in College Park.

Over the next few weeks, he began planning dinners for us in DC and finding movies and things for us to do. He was also doing all of it completely sober without any sort of drugs in his system. I thought I was really helping in turning over a new leaf. My friends began asking questions about the situation and implying that there might be something else there. I shot all of them down because I knew all I was doing was helping someone. Then I had a very real conversation with my best friend from elementary school.

Elementary Bff: You do realize you are dating him, right?

Me: Poppycock! I have no connections. I am free as a bird.

Elementary Bff: So what do you do with him when you hang out.

Me: We enjoy nice dinners in DC, go to museums, sometimes catch a movie or a play

Elementary Bff: And who pays?

Me: I...I mean, well, let me think about it. Uhh..you don't really pay for museums.

Elementary Bff: Don't be a tool

Me: I guess he pays for it, but I do drive alllll the way down here from home.

Elementary Bff: Yes, you drive down here to work and get paid. Paid money you don't ever have to use on the dates you go on with your Accidental Boyfriend

I didn't want to believe it but the facts were all there. I was just fooling myself into thinking we were just bosom buddies. (I hate myself for typing that...but I am going to leave it just the same). The thing that I left out of telling most of my friends is that when I would sleepover, I always slept in his bed and we would cuddle. Literally...just....cuddle. (I KNOW...I mean...I am really good at suppressing thoughts if I don't want them to be there). I had cuddled with straight male friends in the past so it wasn't that far off, but I never cuddled in bed with them. Ugh...I know....bad right?

There were still a few weeks left in summer and after all of the chatter between my friends, I had decided that I still needed a place to stay. I also wasn't opposed to free DC dates and a good cuddle with my high school imaginary t.v. lover. (I still hold a flame for Chad and hope he makes his comeback soon...). I decided to suppress any of the thoughts about me and Drug Dealer #2 having this pseudo-relationship and thought about trying to discuss it in the fall, once I had moved into my apartment, one building over from him...

When the school year began my life was a little overwhelming. I was taking 18 credits, working 2 jobs, an internship, an executive member of 3 clubs, and trying to maintain a social life. (I would call myself an overachiever but all you have to do is look at my transcript to know that wasn't the case). That first semester of junior year was extra brutal on me, and a lot of friendships suffered. One of the relationships that suffered was the one with Drug Dealer #2. He had been one of my only focuses over the summer and now I barely had time to talk to him on the phone. I tried to see him but life got in the way and after the first 3 weeks of the semester I began receiving drunk dials and voicemails. 

He would rant about how I didn't care about him anymore and how I had found new people to see. He would ask me if I still thought about him and if the summer meant anything to me. The next day I would receive a text or call apologizing and asking for a reminder of what he said. (Why yes, this does sound like the fight of two people who were in a committed relationship. No, no I never made an official commitment...confuddled.) This went on until November when he texted to let me know he was going to delete my phone number, which was good for me because I had started dating someone seriously a month or so prior. 

I was going through a break up for a relationship I barely knew I was a part of. The following year we ended up having an illicit affair after my serious relationship ended. Drug Dealer #2 then disappeared into thin air when college ended. He deleted his facebook and stopped contacting everyone he was ever friends with, including me. I found him a few weeks ago on the internet....he works to help birds migrate south for the winter. (I didn't realize they needed help...you know since its instinct. At least its a job?). I would go on to have pseudo-relationships with a couple other people, completely oblivious to the fact that they were relationships. This will always be my ultimate Accidental Boyfriend.

Fabulously Lost: Deaf, dumb, and blind. 

Drug Dealers: Real fixer-uppers. My specialty

Friendz: Usually right about your effed up life

Kentucky Gentlemen: My true life long friend.... 

Denial: Not Just An African River

I have mentioned before that I came out when I was 16yrs old to a group of people who were as surprised by my coming out as they were by Lance Bass coming out. (I'm still holding hope for J.T. to get rid of Jessica Biel and come out....a boy can dream). Right after I came out, I became one of those gay's who denounced the community and decided I was above stereotypes and a general need for the LGBT community as a whole. Over the next five years I continued to be a vigilante for the straight community, you know since they were experiencing so many hardships and needed my support, all while claiming to be the "New Typical Gay." Although, in the last 2 years I have embraced this community and called it my own and stopped being such a whiny biznatch about it. Recently, I have had time to reflect on just why I had such a snarky attitude for so long. It's all because of....Straight Men.

This seems like a no-brainer, but like most things in my life...it is not for the reasons you would suspect. I mean, of course, there are the societal pressures to "act straight" and be "masculine" because that's what we have been taught to do since we were really young. There are the general fears of being bullied and having hateful things spewed at you like venom. But, I have a tough skin and I could also give two shits about people who hate me for being gay. My concern is with those open-minded Straight Men who consider themselves to be friendly with the gays, but not completely aware of what being gay is or how it might affect them. 

I decided early on it was my mission to educate Straight Men and be their friend while also putting down ze gayz. I have had a bajillion conversations with Straight Men about how I came out and what the process was and without fail the conversation always has some variation of this: 

Straight Men: So, like, how did you know you were gay?

Me: I mean, just like you knew you were straight. I found men attractive and not the vag. 

Straight Men: Did you ever try being with a girl...sexually?

Me: Variations of "sexually" yes, and it was terrible. Have you tried being with a guy...you know to see if you were gay?

Straight Men: Whoa dude, no. I'm not gay.

Me: Yup, my same sentiments towards trying stuff with women.

Straight Men: So, like what kind of guys are you attracted to?

Me: If you are asking if I am attracted to you, the answer is no. (this is generally true...) I am not magically attracted to all men. 

Straight Men: Wait, so like you're not attracted to me at all? Why?

Me: Are you attracted to all women?

Straight Men: No. 

Me: I am not attracted to all men...soo...you fall under the group I am not attracted to. 

Straight Men: But like, what about me?

Seriously, most of these conversations end with these people being some level of confused at why I am not attracted to them. That's not to say that I have never had strong feelings towards a straight man....but usually when I do, I am able to be with them in some capacity, i.e. they are not 100% straight (Hehehe ...yeahh...get it girl).


With those select few Straight Men that I have found myself attracted to or decided to pursue I always enjoyed the chase. You know that scene in He's Just Not That Into You, where the interview different people on how they know when someone is interested? They flash to two gay guys and they say they know within like 3seconds, with just a glance, whether they want to sleep with someone or not and whether that person wants to sleep with them. That is the most accurate thing I have ever heard about the gay community in a movie about straight people.

(Loveee that the subtitles are in Spanish)

I really honed that skill in college with several people. The first person I really felt the need to pursue that was "straight" was someone I actually met when I was a senior in H.S. and he was a freshman at UMD and lived on my brother floor. I didn't really think much about him at first because the only thing I knew about him was that he was a Drug Dealer. Ok, ok....I know what you are thinking, but I was never really into that in college. I drank like a fish but I never felt the urge to do drugs, probably because they are all illegal. (The hypocrisy of drugs being illegal and bothering me yet the underage drinking didn't is not lost on me, I assure you). But for some reason, almost two years later Drug Dealer looked a lot more appealing to me and was suddenly this attractive man who had "lived a life" in college. 

We were randomly at the same parties at my brothers place and a few other friends along the way and we would always catch each others eyes. It always lasted longer than three seconds and I would get these intense butterflies as if something needed to happen. Then one night at the end of September we were at a party at my brothers place and there was a group us playing "Never Have I Ever" (because when you are 19 and drinking Natty Light you need to play "revealing" games....) Someone would say, every single time, "Never have I ever....been with a guy....sexually". Literally, without fail this question would be the first one asked because I was always the only gay male in the group and I would have to put my finger down, but it was a little different this time. 

Drug Dealer  was sitting next to me and hit me a couple times in the leg to show me that he put down half a finger. He then pulled me aside after the game to have a chat. 

Drug Dealer: Did you see my finger?

Me: Why yes yes I did? Whatever did you mean with half a finger?

Drug Dealer: Well, it means that I'm not sure and I'd like to explore I think?

Me: Aww well lots of people do that in college, thanks for telling me. Lemme know if you want to talk about it more?

Something was fishy but we went back to the party like it was nothing and just drank more delicious Natty Light. The next week we were at a different party (So...I partied a lot. get over it.) and at this one Drug Dealer pulled me into a bedroom to talk again. 

Drug Dealer: I've been thinking about this a lot and you a lot

Me: Well, what exactly have you been thinking about 

Drug Dealer: I think...well... *grabs me and kisses me*

Drug Dealer: Whoa, I just kissed you. We kissed. 

Me: Ummm yes, you did just kiss me.

Drug Dealer: I can't believe I just did that. I can't believe I just kissed...you. *said with a little bit more snark, seediness then I would like*

Me: Welp, I think I am good on insults tonight...thanks. 

I stormed out in drunk dramatic fashion (Surprissseeee) and headed towards drunk food with some friends. Drug Dealer began furiously texting me saying he wanted to talk about things and fix what he said. I was not having any of it, yet I enjoyed the banter and the pining that was filling my phone. Finally I agreed to walk with him to his place and get on the bus back to my residence hall once we had finished talking. 

Drug Dealer: First off, sorry I didn't mean to sound so disgusted. 

Me: You're a real charmer. I appreciate the apology, I often like to have this happen after a kiss. 

Drug Dealer: It's just that by kissing you, I was recognizing that I am not just straight.

Me: Shocker. 

Drug Dealer: Look, I liked kissing you. I want to do it again. Thats what freaked me out. 

Me: Well, I haven't had any complaints thus far. I accept your apology.

The conversation dragged on and we discussed his feelings and what to do with all of them. We also agreed that we didn't have any feelings for each other, but there was an odd mutual attraction. Once we got back to his place...I didn't end up getting on the bus and we ended up...finding other things to do. This back and forth continued over the next year or so. The last time we "spent time" together he left his wallet in my room when he left when I went to go to the bathroom. The funny thing is, I went to the bathroom to try and figure out how to get him to leave to not spend the night. I ended up throwing the wallet out my window to him and saying we should probably not do this again. I said that all out the window. From my 4th floor apartment. Because I'm classy. 

At some point along the way he stopped selling drugs and got clean and is now married to a girl. This seems to be a theme with the Straight Men I end up "dating" or "spending time", a lot of them are married to women. (No wonder I am single...I keep turning men straight...oof). This is just one of many tales of the Straight Men of my past and why I blame many of them for my denial of the gay community for so long. Every once in awhile I get a pang for that chase...but then I remember...I'm now to lazy for that ish. 

Straight Men: not attracted to all of them, chaser of some Questionable ones

Drug Dealer: A dealer of lovin' not druggin' for me

Fabulously Lost: Putting the puzzle together as to why I am single 

I'm In Love With A Stripper

Can I tell you about the weird couple weeks I've had? Ha ha ha...who am I kidding..of course I can tell you, you've already opened this post. In the last two weeks I have blacked out 2x, traveled to the deep south, had my wallet stolen, had my car sideswiped, had a panel fall off my car (surprisingly in no relation to the sideswipe action), fell in love, and became the stripper whisperer. Now this whirl wind of events created a chaotic few moments for me but I remained relatively positive throughout the entire thing, which is not usually how I handle things. In most cases, when something crumbles in my life...I shout it from the roof tops so people will think I have some street cred against my white middle class upbringing. Instead I took most of these things in stride and just tried to fix them...I mean I guess this is kind my "shouting it from the roof top" moment...whatever, suck it.

Alright...so lets get to the nitty gritty of it all. It's true, I fell in love last week with...with...a Stripper.

How does one fall in love with a stripper, one might ask. Well it all started with my Bocce team, (I'm aware of how ridiculous the sport is and even more ridiculous that I am on the team...) which consists of a bunch of gay men and straight women. We all went to a dinner party a couple weeks ago and decided we were going to go to Secrets, an gay all nude male strip club over by Nat's stadium, after our game one week. The last time I went to a strip club I was 18 and it was a seedy female strip club outside of DC. I, obviously, didn't have the best impression of strip clubs from this event and wasn't overly excited about this decision to go. However, I am nothing if not a team player (and you just don't say no to a bunch of queens).


Well, I forgot about all of this and last Wednesday I showed up to our bocce game in critter print shorts, flip flops, and a button down. (I never really understood how to dress for sports...). After the game was over we were all standing around discussing whether we were going to go to Secrets and finally someone made the executive decision we were going to go....and we all followed. The thing that made me feel kinda weird was one of my friends had his straight friend from CT visiting. (we shall call him Straight CT...clever, I know).  I just felt kinda bad for the dude that we were heading to this type of strip club...but I didn't voice any objections.

I kid you not, Secrets is in the middle of nowhere. It is about a 15minute walk from the stadium and it is next to a power plant...there is NOTHING else around it. When we were driving down the street towards it, I was convinced that this was some weird hazing event and some of the new gays were going to be left in the middle of nowhere to find our way back. They'd call the game "Follow the Rainbow" and whoever got home first was guaranteed a spot on our Fall bocce team. (Sooo...I have an active "expect the worst" imagination). We knew we were in the right place because the large black box of a building had the most massive rainbow flag plastered on the front that I had ever seen. (As if being a gay nude strip club wasn't flashy enough...we put our bat signal on the front of the building...like really?)

(We've ARRRRRRIVVVEED)

We arrived at 8:50pm and tried to get in...but the place didn't open until 9pm. WE WERE THE FIRST PEOPLE AT THE STRIP CLUB AND WE HAD TO WAIT OUTSIDE. I was almost completely sober and dressed like I belonged in a J Crew catalog (I am obviously being very generous to myself and my style here...its been a rough couple weeks, just let me have it)...not outside of a nudey bar in the middle of bumfuck DC. When the place finally opened I felt like the guy collecting our cover was looking at us like we were a bunch of his kids who just graduated high school. I bet he was thinking "Awww they just grow up so fast. I hope the real world treats them well." Except in this instance, the real world was dark and upstairs and full of naked men and alcohol. (soooo maybe he was right...)


Literally, as soon as we walked in the door of the bar there were 5 naked men dancing in various places of the bar. Now, I knew I was going to a strip club where the men were completely naked, but I thought there would be some show or they would take some clothing off. Nope, not here. You walk in and all they are wearing are a pair of shoes and socks for you to put money in. I was shocked and kept laughing out of awkwardness. I was laughing and covering my eyes and unsure how to handle this sober. Sooooo, I went to the bar immediately to order my signature gin and tonic (every proper lady has a signature drink...). When I turned around from ordering my drink I was accosted with one of the strippers junk inches from my face....and I gasped and clutched mah pearls.

(I meannnn....yeah basically what I did)

The stripper laughed hysterically at me and pulled away. He then decided to chat with me from his post at the bar. 

Stripper: So, I'm guessing this is your first time here?

Me: The last time I was at a strip club I was 18 and it was female strippers. It was just further confirmation that I am gay. 

Stripper: Yeah, you and some of your friends look lost. Plus...you arrived as soon as we opened. 

Me: I meannnn....not by choice! I was dragged. I don't know how this works. 

Stripper: It's fine...I like people who show up early. 

Me: Well...thats me? I like your boat shoes (I would notice the only piece of clothing he is wearing)

Stripper: Ahh I'm not supposed to be wearing these! I forgot my sneakers, don't judge me!

Me: Uhhh I was serious...I mean I'm wearing critter print, boat shoes are like shoe porn for me. 

Stripper: Haha...oh, well thanks. I'm jumping off but I'll be back...

I proceeded to drink copious amounts of gin and tonics while trying to awkwardly converse with my friends and not look at all of the flailing penises. It was a futile attempt because if you weren't looking at real life penises their were penises on all of the T.V.'s. Before I knew it, I turned around and there was my Stripper. (hehe, notice how he is "my" stripper now?) He was sort of dancing and looking over at me and laughing, because by this point I was attempting to dance with a couple of my friends. Which was sad since we were the only 10 people in the place. I decided to walk over to him and give him a dollar. 

Me: Hey, just wanted to give you this for being nice and loosening me up when I first walked in. 

Stripper: Do you wanna touch me?

Me: HA..what??...I...wait...no. What? Who...thats...I mean you're attractive..but..what?

Stripper: Don't you know the rules? Ohhh I guess you don't since you've never been here (no one ever said he was smart) When you give money you can touch one of us above the waist or below the knees. So do you wanna touch my chest?

Me: Oh, um I mean I don't want to objectify you. I mean, I know you are automatically being objectified because you are a stripper but I feel like that's not me. Other people can, I don't judge but I guess I feel like I want to know someone before I touch them. You seem very nice. There is nothing wrong with you, you are very attractive. I just respect your right not to be touched. So I think I will refrain. 

Stripper: Hahahha, thank you? That's really nice of you. 

Then he..he...leaned over and introduced himself to me. We stood there for the next 20min and he told me his life story. He told me about where he grew up, what he wanted to do with his life, why he was stripping, how many siblings he had, and finally what it was like being nude all the time. When I apologized for monopolizing his time he thanked me for listening to him and said he was happy to dance and talk to me. Every time he came out to do a set he would talk to me for a majority of it. 

On his third set of the evening he grabbed my hand and put it on his chest. 

Stripper: You know me now so you can touch me and be okay with it. I feel respected 

Me: *Blushing* Oh goodness, that, well., you have a nice...its...your body.

Stripper: Hahaha yes, that's my body...I can't give out my number but I can take numbers..

Me: Sure...I mean I don't expect you to call or text but I am flattered you want it. I mean, even if you just want to be friends...you aren't really my type because, well because you are white. But everyone needs a stripper friend, right?

Umm...WHAT??? Did I just say "Everyone needs a stripper friend" to a stripper who I just went all Oprah on? Does everyone really need a stripper friend? I tried to act cool as I analyzed the fuck out of that statement and began getting more and more embarrassed by telling him everyone needs a stripper friend. Finally I handed him my number and he held onto my hand for a moment. We had another moment before I have my friends come over and he dances for them. My Stripper wins over my friends, which I decided was a good sign if we were going to work out. (Because I am crazy and planned out how plausible it would be for me to date a stripper)

My signature drink had kicked in full force at this point and I begin talking to Straight CT.

Me: So how does it feel to be in a gay strip club looking at penises when you like vag?

(I am nothing if not forward when drunk...)

Straight CT: I mean...I didn't think my first strip club ever would be gay and full of men, but you guys are having a  good time. I can appreciate that these are good looking guys. 

Me: That is fairly cool of you. I saw you hitting on one of my girl friends earlier...tryna get at that?

Straight CT: I'm hoping to move to DC soon, so that would be sweet if I could set that up. 

Me: Adorbs. 

Straight CT then began dancing around like crazy and I realized he was the same level drunk as me. He started dancing provocatively with his gay friend who he came with. I thought nothing of it, I have a couple straight guy friends I dance dirty with just for fun...but I did take note of this. Then Straight CT began dancing with me and unbuttoning his shirt. Unlike the stripper, I guess I decided I didn't respect him because I just began touching his lovely body and dancing very closely. 

Then out of nowhere he takes his shirt off completely and wraps it around my neck and pulls me in close to dance. In an unusual burst of confidence I decide I am going to just go for it....I'm just gonna do it...I'm just going to...BAM, I kissed him. We began making out and dancing like maniacs before he pulled away. 

Straight CT: Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. You're a dude

Me: Yes, yes I am

Straight CT: You're a dude and we just kissed. I just kissed a dude

Me: Yes, yes you did, we did. 

Straight CT: I'm in my first strip club, its a gay one and I kissed a dude. Don't get me wrong you are a good kisser. But you're a dude. 

Me: Yup, I'm still a dude and we kissed. Did you want to go for it again?

Straight CT: Let's just dance and let me process?

Me: No skin off my back...

Well, his processing took 5 seconds before we were kissing and dancing again. After a bit we all decided to leave and I said goodbye to Stripper and Straight CT. 

The next day I was feeling rough and talking to my twin (She is literally the short, black, female version of me...SEPARATED AT BIRTH...sister from a different mister...and mother?) and I told her I didn't know if Stripper  would text me or call me and I was sad. She responded pretty flately

Twin: Well, he might not call or text because he saw you getting it with another guy. Might be a deterrent. 

And there you have it ladies and gents. I fell in love with a stripper and I macked it with a straight guy. As if my life couldn't get any weirder I take it one step further....on a Wednesday. 

Secrets: My new favorite place

Strippers: Everyone needs one...?

CT: A now significantly more interesting state

Fabulously Lost: Hot Mess