Betty Boop and her staring problem

So I did it again ladies and gentleman. I made rookie mistakes because of my urgent need for attention and validation. I went on a date this past week and decided to forgo everything I have learned this past year. I planned out our New Years Eve kiss (I had never met him and only seen three headshots),  I had gotten myself prepped to tell my whole family of our budding relationship, I had even planned our regular Friday nights in watching movies. I even decided to ignore the warnings of my friends A. and Rachel when I forwarded his last message he had written to me, and they said things along the lines of "wow isn't that a bit intense. he seems sweet and all but, wow" (read also: he seems a bit crazy. dont you think maybe you shouldn't book your honeymoon yet) I listened to none of this and told them I was excited and couldn't wait. Mind you all of this took place over a 24hr period (Rookie Mistake #1)

Our date was this past Tuesday and I didn't know what to expect but I was excited to meet the future father of my children. I knew this because in the last email that he sent me he said he wants kids. (too soon...I think not! I'm 23 and ready to start popping out babies!...ok maybe I'm not. But the idea of kids is nice. For someone older. So maybe I should've seen this as odd. Maybe you need to stop judging me. Kcoolthanks). I told him I would pick him up from his apartment (Rookie Mistake #2). We were going to go to dinner and a movie (Rookie Mistake #3), you never plan to do both those things because in case the date is bad you wanna make sure it has the potential of being short. Dinner and a movie = AT least 3.5hrs. We also were going to go to RA, a sushi place in Baltimore, and the Landmark Theatre, an expensive movie theatre. Do I need to explain why those to are Rookie Mistake's #3 and #4?

I arrived at this gentleman's apartment to pick him up and what I found was something that shocked me and crushed my dreams of having tall children. This man had told me he was 5'6" (short already for me, being 6'1") but turned out to be a solid 5'4". You think that this would be the thing that grabs my attention first...but you would be terribly mistaken. What I noticed first was how he walked like Betty Boop.

Hand out to the side, swishing his hips. I couldn't take my eyes off of this person as he walked himself toward me...hips going back and forth, back and forth, back...and...forth. His hand NEVER losing its place pointing out to the side. Betty Boop walked straight up to me and said "Hi sweetie, its so good to finally see you". Ummm I don't like when my mother calls me sweetie....soooo I dislike it even more when Betty Boop decides to nickname me. 

The other thing I noticed as he walked up to my car was his outfit. Now Betty Boop lives in Baltimore and knows that RA is a fairly nice restaurant, why on God's green earth would you wear a sweatshirt on a date. Maybe he thought he was going to win me over with his 1930's cartoon impersonation or maybe it was the nickname he was going to give me, but wearing a sweatshirt on a first date seems to be a BIG no-no to me.

Betty Boop gets in my car and stares at me. Doesn't say a word...just stares at me. 

So I began the conversation and tried to talk about the holidays and families and such. You know...like a normal person.

Me: So how was your holiday?

Betty Boop: Uhh it was good. just spent it with my family, which is always good!

Me: Aww thats awesome! It sounds like you are close with your family! Are you?

Betty Boop: Nope.

Me: Oh. err umm well at least the weekend was good? Do you have any siblings?

Betty Boop: yes. a brother.

Me: Ohh cool! I have two, an older and a younger! Is yours older or younger than you?

Betty Boop: Twin.

Me: AMAZEBALLZ. Love the twin thing! Tell me more. do you have that twin thing where you can feel each others pain? Are you identical or fraternal? What do each of those mean? Do you have a twin language? (I didn't really ask all of those questions in a row. but I did nervously ask a few. because...he wouldn't talk)

Betty Boop: We aren't close. We are identical. He is different from me. Are you close with your family?

Me: Yeah they are like my best friends. My brothers/fam are the best! 

Betty Boop: Must be nice. 

Mind you...he was not just saying all of this in a monotone voice. He sounded excited with every single answer and when he finished he would just stare at me. Stare at my face with a smile on his face and say absolutely nothing. I don't know what I would have been happier with, him being monotone and boring or this weird excitement thing he seemed to have going and his incessant staring. I think Imma go with option 1. (I'd like to point out that we aren't even at the restaurant yet)

When we finally get to RA, we get inside and sit at the tables by the bar. I already am aware of the length of this date before it even really begins. We look at the menu and he asks me if I would like to get saki. 

Me: No, I'm not a huge fan of saki. I'm gonna get the pomegranate martini.

Betty Boop: Aww why??? you should try the saki! Its so good here.

Me: I've had it here before, not a big fan. I'm gonna stick with the pom martini

Betty Boop: Come on! You should try it for me *smiles, giggles, pokes my arm*

Me: Nope, I'm really okay with my drink order. 

Betty Boop: What is even in a pom martini?

Me: uhhh Pomegranate? It's a martini...that has a pomegranate flavor.

Betty Boop: Ewww. You should get the Saki instead...sooo much better!

Me: I'm gonna go ahead an go with my drink. You can go ahead and order it though

Betty Boop: ok but you are sooooo gonna try it! It's the bestest here. *stares at me until waitress walks over and we order*

First off...No. just No. Secondly,  I am not going to try it. Thirdly, I don't need to try anything for you. And finally, Bestest? Really? Bestest? Who are you, stop this madness! 

While we wait for the food the conversation is painful and I find myself babbling about everything and anything from movies I'd like to see to the sports teams I am a fan of. (For those of you who don't know me...if I am bringing up sports in any shape or form we know we are having a major issue on this date.) I asked him questions here and there but would get one word responses and then staring. Sooooo much staring. It wasn't til he had his second round of saki that he began giving me two and three word responses. 

When we finished up at RA we decided to walk over to the movie theatre. The whole entire walk he kept walking into me in an attempt to grab hold of my hand, which I had placed inside my pockets. Betty Boop attempted a fake fall at one point and grabbed onto my arm trying to get my hand out of my pocket. This little munchkin was now tipsy and aggressive. Not a good combination for someone of his stature, its like an excited little dog that won't give up until you pick it up. Well, good for me, I dislike little dogs and pay them no attention...sorry sparky. 

We get to Landmark and by our tickets for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and head towards the crowded theatre. We find seats close to the entrance (good for a speedy exit and escape if need be) and settle in. We have missed the previews, which Betty Boop lets everyone know that he is disappointed about. Apparently Betty Boop never received the talk about his "inside" and "outside" voices. He also apparently learned how to whisper on a helicopter. (waiiitttt for it....yup, you got it. He didn't know how to whisper). Randomly throughout the movie he would try to aggressively grab my hand...which was awkward and also caused me to hold my own hand. He would also turn and ask me what I thought of the movie or comment on things in his normal talking voice whisper. 

This movie was, more or less, the perfect movie to see on a bad date. There is absolutely NOTHING romantic about it and it is in fact wildly uncomfortable to see on a date. So excited. So happy. I would totally go see it if you were thinking about it....good movie. The movie was hella long though and ended close to midnight....I was ret to go.

We awkwardly made the long walk back to my car and I drove him to his apt. When we got there, I parked to let him out and he wouldn't get out. He just awkwardly stared and smiled at me and said how he had a grand time. Betty Boop then hugged me and looked into my backseat at the same time. Now my car is pretty much spotless except for one bottle of cologne that has been sitting in my backseat since I got the car. I don't know why I keep it there and I'm sure there is some odd underlying issue from my childhood as to why I feel like it belongs there as opposed to anywhere else, but if we tried to figure that out here I wouldn't be getting my money's worth out of my therapist. Anywhoooo, Betty Boop grabs the bottle and giggles and asks me about it.

Me: I just keep it there. You know how people are about their things *grins awkwardly*

Betty Boop: *giggles* But you should put it somewhere else, not in the backseat *opens middle compartment and puts it there*

Me: *annoyed, grabs the cologne out of compartment and puts it in backseat* I'm good, I like it back there but thanks for the suggestion

Betty Boop: *giggles, smiles and grabs cologne again* But it doesn't make sense there. this is where it belongs. Sometimes you should take the suggestions of people...to adapt! I like it here

Me: Ummmmm Nope. I'm good. Don't need to adapt in this situation. Thanks though. You can hand it back to me. I'll talk to you later.

Betty Boop: *giggles and holds on to it until I pry it from his hands* Aww sweetie we will work on that!

Me: Goodnight. 

Betty Boop got out of my car and sashayed away into the night in all his glory. Needless to say...I will not be going on date two and my cologne is still sitting in my backseat...where it shall stay until I feel like I need to move it. 

Internet Dating: 5
Fabulously Lost: 0
Rookie Mistakes: Never again....until I meet my next husband

My attempt at being mysterious...

I hope all of my single friends have had a lovely holiday so far. My coupled friends....suck it, go cry on the shoulder of your sig other. This holiday was splendid for me, spent it at my parents house, but was readily aware of my lack of a love life when I found myself sitting sandwiched between Padre and Madre while watching Love Actually . Now for those of you who haven't seen this movie, I am not going to explain anything about this movie...you should be able to get the jist of it from the damn title, and if you don't we have issues. As I sat there watching these increasingly sappy love stories I began to think back to my love life over the last year. There is one person that seems to come up quite often in my group of friends and has even become an anecdote for people to tell at dinner parties. (Cue the sound of my self esteem both rising and falling at the same time. Wrap your head around how THAT happens).

I began going to the gay clubs and bars frequently back in Jan. 2011 when I began hanging out with gay friends on a regular basis. It was new and wonderful and full of dancing sweaty men who just wanted to belt out Lady Gaga and Britney Spears without being looked at like they were fulfilling any of the stereotypes they actually were almost always fulfilling.  I began to slowly fall in love with this world while in Baltimore, but it wasn't until I went to Philly on a random weekend with gay friends that I realllllly fell in love. 

I drove up to Philly with gay bffl (best friend for life, duh loser) and sang Britney Spears and Beyonce (cahm ahnnnn we arent that gay. You can only sing Britney Spears OR Lady Gaga when not at the club. Read the rule book. No need to out gay the cars next to you.). Pulling into Philly was magical and it seemed like a brand new playground for me. I literally couldn't wait to go see the Gayborhood and all the fun things Philly had in store for me. 

We checked into our hotel and proceeded to get schwasted with a group of gays who I'm pretty sure judged me the whole time and I generally had a terrible time that first night. My dreams dashed against the liberty bell I woke up with an inexplicable urge to go to a sports bar and hangout with straight people to balance the cattiness from the evening before. Once I was finished being a drama queen and the gay bffl was done being a drama queen, I realized going to a straight sports bar meant I would have to actually watch sports and the men there wouldn't be interested in me (or would they be? *WINK, WINK* get it...did ya see what I did there? "straight" = fun game! JK lolzzzzz)

Anywayz we spent the entire day walking around the city scopin' peoplez out and deciding what debauchery we were going to get into when our lesbian friends came for the second night. I couldn't wait for them to arrive and our glittery night adventures to begin!  (All good night adventures with the gays involve glitter. I'm pretty sure Ke$ha is just a gay man posing as a woman.) I got shnazzed up in my normal black attire (It's slimming. Im not gothic. I promise. I like colors. ughhh I knew you would make this awkward. I wear more color now, ok??). We had a couple drinks before we left for the club with the ladies. The first place we went was fine and ok...nothing to write home about, it was really the second place that changed the game. 

We walked into Voyeur and there was a magnificently large circular stage in the center of the room with men, upon men, upon men packed on it. My first thought was "Aww hellz naw Im not getting up there. Those crazy queens!" Much to my shock and awe, my gay bffl responded to my "thought" by telling me he had no doubt I would be up there at some point in the night. (Apparently in my drunk state, my thoughts became word vomit that I felt necessary to spew onto my group. Damn you Drunk M., damn you). We made our way up to the second floor of the club, which overlooked the entire first floor, and got a couple of drinks. As we stood up there....Beyonce's "Run the World (Girls)" came on....

Gay Bffl and I ran down stairs as if Judy Garland herself had strolled in ready to hand out the Queen-iest  of Queens award, and we had been called for first place. We began dancing like maniacs and trying to replicate the music video we had memorized the weekend prior. While down there on the floor I looked up at the stage and there was this dark figure walking towards the edge of the stage. He looks at me, I look at him and he points. I turn and search in the crowd to see what he is pointing at before I realize it is me. I slowly walk to the stage as if I am on a runway, trying to remember what Tyra had taught me on ANTM, and he pulls me up to dance with him. I rock the crap out of the stage and out of this attractive black man. As we begin to mack it on stage, my friends begin to hoot and holler like banshees. Embarrassed by this....I continued to mack for a few more minutes and dance. THEN I got off the stage. 

Several moments later we repeated the entire process above.  Point. Dance. Mack. Hoot. Holler. ROCK his mother effin' world. While I was up there dancing with him we had a very short exchange that went like this. 

Him: Why you so sexy?

Me: *silence, unsure how to answer perplexing question*

Him: Sexy, My name is Stephen

Me: Thats a nice name. My uncles name is Stephen. (Whaaaaaat? WHAAAT? MY UNCLE? who the HELL brings up there Uncle as they are dirty dancing with a man on stage? *winces at memory*)

Him: Uhh thats cool. Whats your name?

Me: *Winks* Thats for me to know and for you to find out? *Winks again, continues to dance and mack it*

Can we discuss for a moment my last sentence. Thats for me to know and for you to find out. Ummm YO....he was trying to find out and you thought you were being sexy and mysterious. Nope, sorry about it you were just mind boggling and confusing. In my drunk state I figured that the sexiest thing I could do would be to NOT tell this person my name, which explains my singledom. Stephen and I could of had a lovely drunk convo that turned into breakfast, that turned into spending weekends at each others homes, that could've turned into vacationing with the parents, getting proposed to and being married in front of the Liberty Bell. But we will never know because I didn't tell him my name. 

To this day I get random text messages from people that say "Why you so sexy" or friends who will ask about how Stephen is doing. Any possibility of a future with this dark finger pointing figure has gone out the door and down the drain. PSA for the kiddies: Mysterious only works in the movies. 

Internet Dating: 4

Fabulously Lost: 0

Philly: Pretty damn good...they have lots of gays.

It's sad when Crazy doesn't phase you

There is a moment when we all feel more desperate than normal, right? I tell myself all the time that everyone is just as desperate as me and we are all in this together like one big happy family. Well all the single people right? Desperate? Do I really keep talking about my desperation? Yup, but why  not just keep the illusion up that I'm not alone and you can all agree with me! COOL thanks, you guys are way better than my imaginary friends from yesteryear (2007).  Well this Christmas Eve tale is focused jusssst around that kind of desperation.

It was November 2010 and I was trying to get myself in to the holiday spirit. I was living at home, sleeping in the same room that I refused to update from high school because, in my true fabulously stubborn nature, I believed I wouldn't be living there much longer. This meant that I got to look at all of my horrible hair styles from the eary 00's (think N'Sync before they were certifiably hot)  

(actually that last statement was blasphemous...they were always hot. except for one of them. Im looking at you Chris Kirkpatrick. You all didn't even know his name...he was the dreads.)

I also got to look at my posters and pictures I cut out from magazines from when I was 16. This was slightly disturbing because, while both the celebs and I have grown up since then...these photos have not. So staring at a 17 year old Jesse McCartney just felt wrong.

It was at this point that I decided to give into this person who had sent me three messages in 24 hours letting me know he was really into my smile and my eyes. This would creep most people out, but when you are looking at 17 year old Jesse McCartney before you go to bed every night, you end up not judging people as much. So I responded to Batshit Crazy and checked out our profiles to see how compatible we were. 

OkCupid let me know that I was a 53% Match with this person, we were 34% friends, and like 45% enemy. Don't ask me how the site does their math or if those three are supposed to add up to 100%, because they never, ever, ever do. Now this would normally send me a-runnin', but as we can see from the above photos and statements...I was feeling needy. After a few messages, Batshit Crazy and I decided to meet up and go to the movies and dinner. Typical date. What. Could. Go. Wrong? HA, I always asked myself that...and yet here I am, writing to you all about the woes of singledom. 

Batshit Crazy called me the day of our date to let me know I would need to pick him up because he didn't have a car. (Red Flag #1) (I have obviously decided to disregard everything OkCupid told me about us not being a real match as red flags.) I decided to go forward with this anyways because for some odd reason I really wanted to see Morning Glory, I think it has to do with the stereotypical gay males obsession with movies about strong females...but HEY thats for my therapist to delve into! 

I drove about 30min to pick up Batshit Crazy from his former stepmothers house. (read that last sentence twice and lemme know how you feel about it) I seem to have a couple issues with this. 1. I drove a crap ton for a person I'd never met. 2. He explained to me that he liked hanging out with his former stepmother, whom his father was married to for 7months, back when he was 3. (read number 2 twice and lemme know how you feel about that). I asked him if his father still spoke with this woman, Batshit Crazy said no...and then said his father didn't know he had found her and was talking to her. (Red Flag  #2)

Ignoring ALLLLL of the signs that the heavenly skies had provided with me on why this date should never have happened, I let Batshit Crazy into my car and drove 25min to the movie theatre. (Red Flag #3) made an appearance almost immediately in the car when he turned to me and said,

"I'm feeling like a durrty boy today" *wink*

I laughed. Boisterously. Loudly. Trying to cover up my fear of what the rest of this date would have in store for me. (Batshit Crazy stared at me as I laughed, because he of course was DEAD serious.) The rest of the drive involved him telling me more about his dysfunctional family, his lack of a home (by choice) (Red Flag #4), and his lack of any real income (Red Flag #5).

We arrived at the movie theatre and I prayed for an earlier time so I could suggest just going straight into the movie. Little Baby Jesus was looking down on me because we were able to get into an earlier time and I said we should just get concession food for dinner...and it worked. *pats self on shoulder for a job well done* *realizes accomplishment isn't that great in the grand scheme of things and is back to a level of self deprecation he is more in tune with* As we walked in the previews began and Batshit Crazy let out a squeal that I have only heard from 11 year old girls when they glimpse a photo of Justin Bieber in the magazine they purchased...which is about Justin Bieber. He turned to me and let me know how he adored movies and hugged me....*shivers* (Red Flag #6)

As soon as we sit down Batshit Crazy grabs my hand and says "I can only watch a movie if I am holding someone specials hand" *wink*.....Ummm what? You can only...what? You must not get out often sir. Unless you lure men in with your incessant messaging and you suggest to all of them that you want to be taken to the movies. Then the only person who is really special is you. Dear SIR you have now made me...confused, lost, and am I feeling a bit of jealousy? The last part concerns me too, don't worry you can judge me. (Red Flag #7)

 The movie is playing and playing and playing....it wasn't a very good movie. Damn you and your infectious smile Rachel McAdams, I would have canceled this date had I known it was so bad. The unthinkable happens about 45min into this never ending movie. I turn to get my drink and as I released my hand from his now moist (love or hate the word...thats what this was) hand, he leans over and plants one on me. This is the sloppiest of the sloppy kisses because I had been ambushed and I also didn't reciprocate the Kirby-esque suction thing he was now doing to my face. I feared for my lips and for the severe PTSD I was going to experience whenever his tight suction grip let loose of my poor face. As he pulled back he looked at me with a smile and said that was the nicest kiss he had had in awhile. Really? REALLY? (Red Flag #8) 

The real kicker comes about 120 seconds post-aggressive gorilla attack when Batshit Crazy looks at me with shear terror and says, 

"I'm not a slut. I don't do this with everyone. I'm not really a durrty little boy"

This grouping of sentences causes my skin to crawl to this day. Let us dissect this like one would dissect a frog in 7th grade Science class. 

1. "I'm not a slut" - you attacked my face with a kiss...you didn't grab at my junk or try to go down on me. I think we can all agree not being a good kisser usually means the OPPOSITE of being a slut. (Red Flag #9)

2. "I don't do this often"- Hard to believe...you're kinda a slut. (Red Flag #10)

3. "I'm not really a durrty little boy"- well thats good because you are 22 years old and far from a little boy. I don't want to know what you mean by durrty but I really think you should take a shower when you get back to your faux-stepmothers home. (Red Flags #11-20)

I ignored his sentence and prayed that a weapon of mass destruction would somehow find its way to the Columbia Mall just so this date would have a better ending than it was probably going to have. After the movie, I ended up driving him home as he told me his plans to move to Northern PA to be near a friend. This is a friend he hadn't really spoken to in a couple years but she has a big house from what he remembers...didn't think she would mind. (Red Flag #21...don't know why Im still counting flags) 

At his faux-stepmothers house he suggested we get together the next day because he has no idea when he will be moving to his best friends house. She just has to call him back so it could be ANY day and I shouldn't lose this opportunity. Manipulation Nation. I told him we'd talk. *spoiler alert: we never talked again* Moral of this story: sometimes you need to listen to your gut and the confusing percentages OkCupid gives you.

Internet Dating: 4

Fabulously Lost: 0

Red Flags: #winning

Dr. Chandler Bing, The Groupon King

The first few months of being on OkCupid was like the first time I learned how to ride a bike. I fell down a lot and bruised myself but it seemed like the most fun thing in the world. (I no longer ride my bike, so I don't know if this is a good sign for me) I went on more dates than a hooker on Park Ave. It became an on going joke with a couple of my friends that all I need is the promise of some good texting and a solid dinner and I'm yours. I said "yes" to every single date I was asked out on. "Desperate? Desperate, party of one?" Ahhh yes that is me, an eager beaver...who isn't a fan of beaver.

Dr. Chandler Bing (his normal name is close to this and I imagined dating Chandler because of that) entered my life thru a slew of well written messages about life and music. He wasn't really my normal type (he was white) and he seemed intent on getting my number, which I was hesitant to do since I had fared so well with giving Stalker Dan my phone number a couple weeks prior. I soon caved when he told me he was working towards being a dentist (I'm half Jewish, so a Doctor is a good find, even in the gay world). We began incessantly texting each other and finding more things about each other and loving it. He was looking for the same thing as me! Love! Long Term Relationship! Cuddling! (we alllll like a good cuddle. gay or straight. Yes we talked about cuddling. Yes it came up before we met each other. Yes as I type that out and it seems weird to me too. I will gladly judge myself on that one)

Dr. Bing finally asked me out. He said he wanted to take me out in Baltimore and have a cute date in Little Italy. swoooooon. How could I not be terribly excited. I announced this to everyone who would listen, I contemplated sending out Save the Dates so people would remember that he and I were going to go out the next week. Everyone awkwardly listened to me as I gushed over a man who I'd never met. "His texts are so endearing. I can tell he is going to be a gentle lover" "No wonder he is going to be a dentist, he spells out all of the words in his text messages" "I can tell he must have excellent bedside manners with his patients, he always sends smiley and winky faces."....and on and on and on I went.

The day finally came where I was to meet my future boyfriend and husband, Dr. Bing. We were going to have a lovely wedding on the water. So excited to tell him all of this. I drove up to this little Italian place in the heart of Baltimore and parked my little car. I had been about 20min early, so I sat in my car and jammed out to Britney Spears, as if going on a date with another man wasn't gay enough. It was just about 7:30 when I got my shnazzed up self out of the car and began the trek to the restaurant. We had decided to meet outside and I kept looking extremely hard at peoples faces, wondering if it was him, if he held true to his photos that were on his profile. 25minutes later I was bored and my dream was fading as he finally showed up completely disheveled and slightly larger than his pictures. I'm no tiny duckling, but I also think my photos are true to form. No need to hide that sir.

We got into the restaurant and sat down and began to talk. His voice was slightly grating, but we ALL aren't perfect, right? He ordered 2 glasses of wine. For. Him. Self. (Strike 1) Then ordered a shrimp appetizer, after I had just gotten finished telling him I was allergic to shrimp. (Strike 2)  Forgiving all of this I tried to talk about the fact that we had some friends in common from college. BOOM. That was the worst thing I could have said. I was forced to listen to how he used to be a drunk RA who didn't care about his residents, he was only doing it to live on campus for free...and see the hot kids as they came to college. (shiver down my spin. Strike 3). Dr. Bing also founded a drinking fraternity at the dentistry school, which, in his words, made him the coolest and most popular guy at the school.

 As if this wasn't enough to win me over, he then started talking about how rich he was going to be. He had already picked out his graduation car that he was giving himself and the type of house he was going to buy. (Strike 4, I'm not the best at baseball but I feel like I shoulda left by now.) The only time I talked about myself, I let him know that I was really into volunteering and interested in nonprofit work. To this day I will never forget his response..."eww. So you do stuff for free? Thats not gonna get you very far in life." (Strike 1,000,000)


I told him I was ready to go and needed to go home. And this is where the zinger comes in...he gets the check and hands the woman a Groupon for the restaurant. When she brings the new check back he hands it to me and says "Hey so since I had the Groupon, you can get the rest of the check right?". . . . WHAT?!?!!? I ordered A glass of wine to your FOUR. My entire SALAD was $13 and your three course meal was $50. HOW is that even remotely okay in your mind DR. Bing?? I thought you were sooo rich. You had money coming out of your ass? You spew coolness...this isn't Bing. This. Isn't. Cool.  I said none of that and instead spent $43 on a dinner I only ate about $15 of. 


As we walked out of the restaurant he shook my hand and said "I guess I won't be getting lucky tonight?" I stared blankly and awkwardly at him until he walked away. Shock and awe.

Internet Dating: 3
Fabulously Lost: 0

There is always a beginning...

So I've been thinking about doing this for awhile and after the weird way the last few months have turned out, I decided what better time than the holidays to start discussing the dating blunders of the gay world. This is my first hand account of Online Dating (yup...I said it...online dating), iPhone Dating (two different things), and the true Mission Impossible (Tom Cruise listen up this is an idea for a hit movie): Finding Mr. Right. 

It was right around this time last year that I decided, along with one of my fav gal pals, Kate, to create an OkCupid profile...after a several months, longer than I'd like to admit, of being single. I filled out all of the questions and put up a profile picture from when I was tan and working out all the time, as opposed to the state I had been in which was pasty white and looking ready for hibernation. I was ready to go with the approval of Kate, and a couple other peoples reassurance that I didn't look/sound like the needy sap I was slowly becoming, I unleashed my fabulously lost self on the world of online dating! 

This wasn't so bad at first, I was getting messages and OkCupid was matching me left and right. What a great feeling to have so many matches. I must be a catch, how could they not want this sexy piece of...ok so I wasn't THAT confident in myself. But for the sake of this story and where I am now, we can say that I was Rico Suave. I began messaging with my soulmate and two other guys at the same time. I went from being lonely and single to having three internet boyfriends who I'd never met. I felt like a million bucks. I told Kate that I was playing the field...no need to get tied down right now. Who the hell was I? Playing the field???? 

My soulmate was 25years old, Egyptian, and lived in his parents basement (not everyone is perfect! Lets not judge! I was living at home too! Shut your face). He played in a band and from his headshot I was swooning. He was my first message on the site and also my first online break up. We went back and forth for a week and then he said he was seeing someone and needed to shut down his profile. I showed him though! I was messaging two other guys. So there. I don't care about you. I hadn't begun planning our 6month anniversary trip to NYC. I hadn't pictured our NYE kiss. Nope. sorry bout it. 

I moved on from him to my first stalker, Stalker Dan. He will appear periodically throughout this blog, much like he does in my life. Stalker Dan was a 29 year old teacher in Baltimore who had a tendency to go out in the middle of the week and show up to teach hungover. These are all things he told me thru messages and I continued to chat with him. He asked for my number and I willingly gave it to him, this would be the first and last time I was so flippant with something I hold so dear to me. Stalker Dan proceeded to call me every day for two weeks. Random times, random thoughts until I stopped answering. Then came the text messages. So many text messages. Daily text messages about nothing and everything ranging from 

"Hey. I'm late to work. Wanna make me later ;)" 

"No I'm good. I have to work at a normal time, sorry." 

"Hey, Im wasted" 

"Cool. Good for you"

"Want to go get some drinks" 

"No its 3pm and I am still at work...arent you?" 

"No. Im a teacher this is normal drinking time."

You get the jist. And just for the record I am completely okay with getting drunk at 3pm on any given day...just not with my crazy internet boyfriend. Stalker Dan tired me out from internet dating. I was worn out but not ready to give up. To this day I still get a random text from him every once in awhile....I do end up meeting him in person, that will be for later. Two weeks in and I have had 2 full on relationships with heartbreak. 

Internet Dating: 2

Fabulously Lost: 0