True Life: RIP Insta-Hookin'

So I have been getting into the swing of things with match.com and I have decided to completely get rid of some of the sites where people are more inclined to just be interested in hooking up. This includes getting rid of Grindr  which has had its longest run on my phone of recent, a whole 4months without being deleted. (I have gotten ride of this site 8x over the last year as a "cleanser"...it will probs be back, don't lose hope in more awkward tales). But I wanted to take an "RIP" moment with all of you to discuss some of my more colorful conversations that happened on these sites, all of these never fully forming into tragic dates due to the tragic nature of the conversations.

At different times over the last few months I have talked to everyone under the sun on these mobile trollop conventions. I have tried to talk to people who are older (by more than I am willing to admit), younger, white, black, Asian, Hispanic, you name it I have accepted their conversations...even though I shouldn't have in most cases. Over the last few months there was one that went on for awhile longer than it should have and also scarred me for life. Back in November I decided that I enjoyed the idea of being a "sugar baby". I had just watched True Life: I'm a Sugar Baby and had made the decision that this could be the life for me.

 (put "True Life" in front of anything and I am guaranteed to think I can be that or I am that....its like being a hypochondriac but for reality television. I convinced myself I had tourette's once just to fit in with the show. Annnnd I wonder why I'm single. ) 

Anywhoz, I was on the prowl for an older guy who hinted at money and a promise of taking me out on a special and fabulous date. By prowl, I mean I just needed to turn on Grindr and wait about 20min for an older man to message me with something wildly inappropriate or a compliment. A majority of these compliments would end up feeling creepy because  the complements were always like "Well don't you look handsome there fellow"  or "What brings a strapping young fellow like yourself on this site." These seem like harmless things but they also remind me that I am talking to someone who could possibly be old enough to be my father.

 Well this fateful day Penthouse decided he was going to message me and see how I was doing. We chatted for a bit, fairly casually before he began to get a bit more aggressive. He started asking me about my favorite hot spots in Baltimore and then we began talking about New York (which quite literally may be the key to my heart. That and cheese. A convo about NY and Cheese or NY Cheese [idk what that is but it sounds good] and you may as well just get a hotel room cause I am ready to make babies) 

Penthouse: I see that you were born in NY...do you like it up there?

Me: OMGZZZZZZ I lurv it up there. I want to move there soon and live and play and dance and work and just beeeee. Its my passion. The state of NY is my passion. 

Penthouse: Aww that's cute. I have an apartment up there because 2 of my kids live in the city. 

Me: Wow...where is your apt?

Penthouse: It's on the Upper East Side....its actually a penthouse, I bought it a few years ago and it was one of my best investments. 

Me: Ha..ha..uhh...whoa. Uhh yeah I usually sleep on people's couches so I don't have to spring for a hotel

Penthouse: Well, if our date goes well...you can always use my penthouse. 

(SIDE NOTE: Gotta Go My Own Way from High School Musical 2 just came on my iPod. I got rullll excited about it and I also know all the words. Its these moments I know there is no question about my sexuality or the fact I am single for a reason)

Ok...so yeah...he offered his PENTHOUSE to me within our first 2 hours of talking. He didn't even ask for durrty pictures or ask about sleeping together. This is EXACTLY how I pictured my Sugar Baby lifestyle. True Life has yet to fail in teaching me about how to become or avoid becoming many different things (I will never be a heroin addict nor will I ever have a porn addiction, BUT I do know how to come out to my parents if they happen to be from the Pacific Islands.) I was obviously intrigued by his offer and also surprised because we hadn't actually made plans for a date yet...but he was quite presumptuous. 

Me: Wow...nice. Errrr what date are we going on?

Penthouse: Oh, well I guess I never officially asked you out, but I would love to take you on a special date around the city. 

Me: The whole city? That seems like a very exhausting evening

Penthouse: Well I would have a car pick you up of course, I am a gentleman. 

Me: Oh of course, that makes sense. That would be swell. Where do you live. 

Penthouse: I own an apartment on the top floor of Eden, in Harbor East. 

Me: Isn't that a roundabout way of saying you have a penthouse apartment in Harbor East

Penthouse: Yes. 

All I kept seeing $$$$. HOW DID I LAND THE JACKPOT IN SUGAR DADDIES!

Me: Cool cool. You mentioned kids...were you married before?

Penthouse: Ahh this convo already. Yes I was...for 25 years.

Uhhhhhhhhhh Whaaaaaaaat?????? Now I am not a math expert or anything...BUT....being 23 and him being married for 25 years means that he had an entire marriage longer than I have been alive. At this point I started trying to psych myself back into the conversation. There was a bit of a pause...a few moments where I didn't know how to respond calmly. 

Me: Ah yes, well most marriages don't last that long. Congrats...on long marriages?

Penthouse: Well it ended for obvious reasons...lol. Does me being older bother you?

Me: Pffft whaaaat? Haha noooo...does me being young bother you?

Penthouse: No...it's one of my favorite things about you other than your smile

Me: Compliments get you everywhere. 

Penthouse: Everywhere? Good to know. 

Me: Hehe...sooo how many kids do you have?

Penthouse: Three. 26, 24, 21. 

Me: whoa...uhhh err....how old exactly are you?
Penthouse: Do you really want to know?
Me: Nah I just ask for shits and giggles. OF course I want to know.
Penthouse: I'm 57. 


HOLY CRAPBAG BATMAN! I don't know what I was thinking but for some reason I had placed this man in his mid to late 40s. It wasn't until he said his children's ages that made me think twice about his age. I told him that it was a bit of a reach for me and I said "Good day Sir". I really wanted to be a Sugar Baby...but the idea of going on dates with someone who was actually older than my parents...made me second guess this choice. I really like nice things...but apparently love does know an age limit in my mind.


Over the last year their have been some interesting pick up lines as well as some interesting reactions to things I have said. Below is a compilation of both!


JohnsHop: Hey there cutie, how are you?
Me: Great...hows it going?
JohnsHop: Better now that I'm talking to you ;)
Me: Haha..nice...so do you go to John's Hopkins?
JohnsHop: Cute and quick on the uptake. Yes. 
Me: Cool...what are you studying
JohnsHop: I'm studying penis' and I think you need yourself a penis doctor...
Me: Welp....I think I'm good. Mine is doing just fine. guess you'll have to find someone else.


I have to give it to him...he made me chuckle. Though I will walk out the door of whatever clinic he is a doctor at.


Lonely?: Hey are you busy?
Me: Hey...do I know you?
Lonely?: No...why would you ask that?
Me: Well asking me if I am busy seems to imply that we have talked before and you know that I am generally a busy guy.
Lonely?: Errr no...I just wanted to know if you wanted to come over and enjoy a nice bottle of Andre. 
Me: As....nice?...as that offer sounds I think I am going to have to pass. I am in fact busy
Lonely?: Oh...well if you ever wanna 69 let me know.


Ummmmm what? If I ever want to 69? HOW is that a follow up to "lets enjoy a nice bottle of Andre" (a classy drank I might add.)


D4Y: Hey there fellow
Me: Hey...what does D4Y mean?
D4Y: Daddy looking for younger. You need a Daddy tonight?
Me: No...I'm good. I'm morally opposed to calling men who are not my father "daddy". Its actually kinda weird if I call him "daddy".
D4Y: Well I can be whatever you want....
Me: I think I want you to be blocked. Good Day Sir.


This is a convo I have quite often with people on the site. I usually like to point out to these people that I could be their son. I also point out that I don't feel that anyone should be called "Daddy" outside of your own father. I actually really disapprove of Usher's song "Hey Daddy" because of this (Which is a huge surprise since I would literally do anything to...er..for Usher?)

Dance4lyfe: Hey there
Me: Heyyy...I'm sorry I'm not really into younger men. You look very nice though
Dance4lyfe: That's okay. I just wanted to see if you wanted to recreate the Risky Business dance with me tonight
Me: Oh...er welp...have a good night
Dance4lyfe: Sooooo thats a definite no? Orrr should I prepare my tighty whities?
Me: I'm good. have fun.


I wasn't even offended by that one....I was intrigued. I also didn't think it would work out so well....since he resembled Tom Cruise in a very odd way, and I am not into short white men. Sorry I'm not Sorry


With that, I bid adieu to the insta-hookin' sites for a while. Worry not, I will give them a proper viking funeral...they were always flaming anyways.


Internet Dating: Transitioning
Fabulously Lost: Mourning the loss of a sometimes good friend
Grindr: RIP...2011-2012
High School Musical: ALWAYS an upper

Leap Day, Leap Frog, Leap of love?

Why hello there you saucy minxes! I have missed you all quite dearly and I apologize for my prolonged absence. I wish I could say it was because I fell madly in love and didn't have to write about my dating woes anymore, but mainly its because I was abruptly forced out of my little abode in Baltimore to move....(DUN DUN DUN) home with my parents. (You can gasp, judge, question my sanity, rinse and repeat) It is not a choice I made lightly, nor is it something that will be going on for a very long period of time. Since I had very little time to move (Due to craptastic landlord/housing/leasing issues) the only real option, without paying out the wazoo, would be to move home (rent free!) with the parents for a bit. (My new roomies have a beautiful house, require no rent, and keep a fully stocked fridge....so suck it Judgy-McJudgerson)


Enough of that jibber-jabber! It's LEAP Day! A-Top-O-the-Mornin' to you fellow leap day lovers! You may ask why I love leap day so much...its just an ordinary day, right? WRONG bitchesssss! It's an extra day in the year that only happens every 4years. The year I was born was a "leap year" which means I know people who were born on leap day! This is a vivid conversation I remember having with this girl Anne-Marie in 2000:

Anne-Marie: Hi Fabulous, wanna play Animorphs at lunch for my birthday?
(Yes....I used to pretend with my friends that we were the mystery solving group that used to morph into animals. Anne-Marie was always the dolphin cause she swam...this meant she'd flop around on the ground....we weren't very popular)
Me: SURE! I can't believe you are 12 today! Animorphs will be extra special today.
Anne-Marie: Technically I am actually 3 today
Me: What the WHAT?  hhahaha you can't be 3 silly. Oh Girlz!
Anne-Marie: Well I was born on Feb. 29th, which only exists every 4years, this is the 3rd year I've been alive that this day has come around...so I am technically 3. 
Me: *MIND BLOWN* I...I...this...whaaaaat...I...can't....words...uhhh....you look good for your age?

So  Happy 6th Birthday Anne-Marie (even though we haven't spoken since we were 12...) And a HAPPY LEAP DAY to you and your kin!

(If you don't watch 30 Rock...you should. Leap Dave Williams!!)

So many of you may be wondering how this whole moving in with the parents will change my dating life, and to be completely honest...I am wondering the same thing. It looks like we are going to have to work this out together and find the best possible solution. So I wanted to share with you what I have been doing in order to ensure a successful love life, whilst living with Mama and Poppa Fabulous. 

This past week or so has been dedicated to research. I have researched different dating websites, I have researched relationships results, and I have researched the crap out of my friends and families successful relationships. I decided that I needed to look more at what makes a successful relationship before I run off and try and find love so haphazardly. I also learned that doing all of the above makes me want to punch small children and cute animals in the face (this should come as a surprise, as I am someone who enjoys children and animals.) 

I also decided that I needed to update my profile a bit on OkCupid and maybe stop going on dates with guys from Grindr and the other wonderful "insta-date" sites.  Maybe its because of the winners I have been on dates with recently but I feel like maybe....JUST MAYBE...I might be going on dates with people in all the wrong places. How can you really tell if you are going to be attracted to someone or into them or whatever else from a series of random chats and photos sent back and forth (and not the dirrrrty kind, I mean face photos weirdos). I mean do they really think they know me? Are they going to be attracted to me? Will they have to learn to love me...or will it be natural and love at first site? Do I sometimes jump into a serious monogomous relationship with a person before we have gone on our first date, and I've already planned how we are going to introduce our polar opposite families to each other? Is that extreme? Is that why rejection stings so much? (yes. just yes to all of that.)

I was talking to my older brother the other day on the phone and he always asks about my dating life. Now, as I have mentioned before, he has been with the same person since he was 18 years old, which has taken him out of the dating game for quite sometime. He also happens to be one of the most competitive people I have met in my life before, which comes in handy since...ya know...he's LITERALLY a Jeopardy Champ. (Yes. He is 25. Lives in NYC. Has a successful relationship. Is going to be a lawyer. AND flippin' won a crap ton of money on Jeopardy. AND Yes I have a voodoo doll with his name on it. Seeee what that gets ya big spender! Rude.) Anywhoz, this is kinda how our convo went:

Older Bro: So are you going to make me ask? How are the men in your life?

(Ohhhh did I mention, he's also the most flippin' liberal person I know and likes to look out for the underdog. REALLY? REALLY? Good thing he is a sore loser otherwise I'd ask why I got stuck with the leftover genes.)

Me: HA! Thats cute. I'm kinda on a breather. I went on a bender...went on so many dates. I'm kinda tweaking right now cause I haven't had an awkward date moment in 5 days. I think I deserve a pin or something. 

Older Brother: Wow...so are you just giving up? That doesn't sound like a winner.

Me: Nahhh I'm not giving up...just doing research. I might do match.com, but it kinda costs a lot. 

Older Brother: How much is it? Stick with free

(We are both solid half-Jews who enjoy being as frugal as  possible. Our younger brother is the same way....I gladly accept that stereotype.)

Me: Its like frickin' $30 a month or something. 

AND this is where the competition comes in, the contest I didn't realize was going to happen:

Older Brother: That's a waste of money. Take that $30 and go up to four random people at the bar. Buy them drinks and try to get them to go on dates with you. BOOM. just saved you money. 

Me: Uhhh...it doesn't really work like that. That takes a lot of confidence and...er...also what if they reject you? 4 rejections just cost me $30 and probably an extra session at my therapist. Also....after the first rejection I would probably wallow in a pool of self pity and gin and tonics. 

Older Brother: Are you kidding? If they reject you...onto the next! Talk until you find one. I'll be your wing man...it's gonna happen. Next time you come up I'll find you one. 

Me: HA. HA. HA. I'm a homosexual, Older Brother. I don't think you realize that we work differently. We have groups and subgroups and we have rules.  So many rules. 

Older Brother: Fuck rules. Do you think I couldn't pick up guys at the bars? Don't you remember when we went to the showtunes bar? I got looks. I got a lot of looks. 

Me: That's not what I said....I just meant you couldn't get me a guy. It doesn't work like that

Older Brother: Is that a challenge?

Me: No I don't think I just challenged you. 

Older Brother: Sounds like a challenge. In fact I will UP it. Next time you come up we will both find guys and then in the cab on the way home...I'll hop out and then you can have both of them. You  don't have to sleep over my place. 

Me: That's nice of you...but I didn't challenge you. 

Older Brother: It's on like donkey kong. I'm a great brother. 

So my research began with my brother challenging himself to find me, not 1, but two men to go home with at the end of the night the next time I go to NY. The weird part is that I fear what will happen when I actually go up there...once he has put his mind to something, the man will do anything to complete a challenge. 

After this little nugget of odd confidence, I began answering some of the questions on OkCupid that are supposed to help you find your match. The issue with free sites is that they are poorly put together, and I'm fairly certain the creators tend to throw in joke questions.

Would you like to play Twister naked with a group of people?
(ummmm what? Now I guess I will know if the person I go on a date with enjoys orgy  childrens games?)
Gay Marriage- Should it be legal?
(sooo they obviously do not tailor the questions to the gays)
Would you date someone who was already in a committed relationship?
(Really Okcupid? Reaaaalllly?)
Would you rather climb and sit in a tree or sit on the ground?
(I'm baffled. I don't even know how to answer this or if they answer is truly that important....how will this find me love?)


That was actually the last question I answered when I realized I needed to join a more reputable site. I am in the process of paying for and signing up for match.com. This blog now has a whole overhaul ladies and gents. Match.com guarantees me true love after 6months (Or the next six months free...)


Today, when I get home from work I will be purchasing this package...because....well it's Leap Day, so nothing really counts because its a fake day. Right?

Internet Dating: Getting a Beyonce style  Upgrade

     

Fabulously Lost: Hopefully found in 6months
Older Brother: Constant creator of competition

Valentines Shmalentines

So I am sitting here the night before Valentine's Day listening to Jay Brannan and Adele with lit candles, thinking about whether or not to cancel on this guy for our date later this week. For those of you who don't know who Jay is, you are missing out on some depressingly sad songs about gay male relationships. Lezz-be-ahnist, what screams desperate and tortured like sitting alone in your cold apartment, listening to a mix of depressing and slightly more depressing music, with your off brand candles from Target.

I am most definitely one of those people who hates Valentine's Day, PDA, cute couple names, Facebook official relationships, and photos of people kissing....ONLY when I am not in a relationship. When I have someone I sometimes make sure I am doing all of those things at once (Because how the hell will people know I am happy if they don't see all of it together on Facebook every two hours. YOU know who you are, disgusting relationship people.) So as you can probably tell, I am not with anyone on this fine evening before the holiday based on love, so I am a little bitter.

The one and only Valentines Day where I had a real Valentine  (not one of my girl friends who also happens to be bitter and single and desperate enough to go out with a gay man) was kind of a dud. I was 21 and we went to a crowded restaurant in DC, I bought him tickets to his favorite band and in return I got a replacement earring for the one he helped me lose two nights prior. Romance has always been kind of illusive to me. So it should come as no surprise that in a plea for attention and validation I went on a date the night of the Superbowl, in hopes that we would fall madly in love in one week and then have each other for this fine day. And if you haven't been paying attention...you will realize that didn't happen.

The Thursday before I went to New York I decided to hop on my handy dandy GPS Gaydar device known as Grindr. Thats when I began talking to this friendly fellow who lives close to the gay bars I often make appearances at over the weekend. (Read Also: I immediately decided he was a winner because then I wouldn't have to cab it home after the bars. Slumber Parties to come!!) We chatted on and off over the whole weekend and when I got home he kept trying to get me to meet with him for a drink. I was exhausted and kept pretending that the Superbowl was keeping me at home (HA! I watched Madonna walk around with a walker on stage and I watched the last 45 seconds of the game.  Golden Girls had a marathon on...not my fault). When the game was over I took stock of my life and realized I was never going to meet anyone if my closest ideas of what a good relationship was, was solely based off of Blanche Devereaux's escapades.

So I pulled myself together into a somewhat acceptable form, sprayed cologne on, and made my way down to Central. As I walked in I found Mighty Duck sitting there, and he seemed to be more attractive than I thought he was going to be. (mainly because he was white...and I just don't do white very well.) We sat down and had a drink and kinda hit it off, things were going so well that we ordered a second and third drink. We were talking music and movies and a lot of other surface things. He then asked if I wanted to head back to his apartment to watch a movie. In my cute, but still tipsy, state I decided it would be good to watch something and have the dranks wear off.

When we got back to Mighty Ducks apartment we made a beeline for the t.v. (which happened to be in the bedroom...I'm a classy guy). I didn't notice much in the apartment because it was fairly dark, but seemed nice. We put on some crap movie on T.V. and start mackin' it up, not getting too handsy...because a lady doesn't give too much up on the first date. He pulls back a couple minutes in and we have a conversation I will never forget.

Mighty Duck: You are the first guy I am making out with since I broke up with my boyfriend.
Me: *like a total idiot, channeling my inner therapist* Ohh, what happened? Are you okay?

(What? Are you okay? WE were mackin' it on his BED and you asked "Are you okay?" Ok Dr. Buzkill lets see what the therapist finds out...)

Mighty Duck: Yeah, we broke up three weeks ago. He was such a jerk and a total deadbeat. 

Me: Awww, and what makes him a deadbeat and a jerk, Mighty?

Mighty Duck: Well he lives in bumblefuck in a house his parents own and he works in the pool industry. Plus he is old...he is like...31.

Me: Wow, that sounds really familiar for some reason. To be fair, you are 26...31 isn't that old. But hey, thats just me! What does he look like?

Mighty Duck: He is half-black and about 5'10". Omg and I didn't tell you, he has 3 kids, oldest one is 13.

Me: *Sheer terror of realization* Is his name...is it....Grandpa?????

Mighty Duck: Yeah! How did you know??

Yup, thats right....I was on a date with Grandpa's ex-boyfriend. The same boyfriend who Grandpa cheated on, with me, while on the dance floor of Central as I shook my money maker. I was completely mortified at this point and decided I needed to go to the bathroom. As I walked through the living room I  noticed a mannequin with a white suit on it,  but not just any white suit, one that had a jacket straight off of a Britney Spears tour. This jacket had silver chains and rhinestones all over it and it had feathers shooting off the shoulders. (Yes I said feathers, like duck feathers as shoulder pads). With everything else I had just been forced to digest, I decided to ignore this and just go to the bathroom. I gave myself a pep-talk and went back to his side. 

As we sat and talked more, and I sobered up more, I was beginning to notice that the decorations in his apartment were a cross between an old Victorian home and what a 12yr old girl would think an old Victorian room might look like. Mighty Duck then brought up his birthday being that Wednesday. He told me that he was going out Tuesday and Wednesday in Baltimore and DC on Thursday. Then he began talking about Saturday. 

Mighty Duck: Saturday is going to be the major party night! Did you see the gorgeous suit in the living room?

Me: Uhhhh yeah? Kinda hard to miss...its very...Gaga?

Mighty Duck: Omg I love it....I'm wearing it on Saturday to Central!!! I die! 

Me: Wow...don't you think its a bit much for Central? It's a pretty...eccentric costume...

Mighty Duck: Life is better in costume, duh!

That's not true at all. Life isn't better in costume, in fact life is fairly uncomfortable in most costumes. Unless you were picked to wear your pajama's as your costume, life is NOT more fun in costume. Also...how the hell was I supposed to make him my Valentine's date when he is obviously a bit off his rocker? I decided I needed another bathroom break at this point, since I was now completely sober and on a date with Grandpa's ex who also happened to be into dressing in Nicki Minaj's rejected tour costumes. 

When I got into the bathroom I was blinded by 3 major things I had failed to notice before, that could have tipped me off that he was a bit fem cray cray. 

1. In silver and rhinestones above his mirror was the word "GORGEOUS". (It was probably the  most inaptly named sign I had ever seen...)
2. Everything had some sort of pink on it, whether it was bows or pink letters, or just straight up pink accessories. 
3. There was a Coach make-up bag filled with make-up on the counter. He lives alone. He owns a Coach. Make-Up, Bag.

I was over this whole thing so very fast and needed to escape. When I began to open the door I saw this tiny chihuahua out of the corner of my eye. I yelped and then it scurried out of the bathroom. Shivers went down my spine as Mighty Duck yelped,

"O.M.G You let BRUISER out!"

(Yup. Yup. Yup. his dog was named after Legally Blonde)

I rushed out of the bathroom and let him know I was ill and needed to go home. He protested for a moment and then let me go. Several days later, while I was sleeping I received several texts from him: 

Mighty Duck: come over, its my birthday. [1:45am]

Mighty Duck: ??? [1:47am]

Mighty Duck: Are you on your way? [1:50am]

Mighty Duck: Come cuddle me warm [1:52am]

Mighty Duck: Guess you arent coming, but if you read this, come. [2:14am]

I ignored all of them and went on my merry way. That Thursday I ventured out on the town with gay bffls and our straight lady friend. We danced around with each other, drank obscene amounts, and had a grand time. When I got home I jumped on Grindr to see if anyone messaged me before clocking out, since it was 3am. I had several messages, one being from Mighty Duck.

"Guess you found someone to fuck tonight. Goodnight"

In my drunken stupor I decided to respond and see where this went. 

Me: Haha...whaaaat? Thats an odd greeting?

Mighty Duck: I saw you dancing with that black guy. You were dirty dancing.

Me: He is my bffl....and dirty dancing? Are we in middle school? Also did you see the white guy I was dancing with?

Mighty Duck: Yeah...is he who you are going to fuck tonight?

Me: So crude. No...the black guy and the white guy are dating. And the girl I was dancing with was a straight lady friend, not gonna fuck her either...no need to ask

Mighty Duck: So are you in bed with both the guys?

Me; No....also wtf? 

Mighty Duck: My point exactly, why didn't you talk to me

Me: I didn't see you. I was too busy figuring out which one of my unattainable friends I was going to sleep with. 

Mighty Duck: I knew it. If you aren't sleeping with them, you should come over.

Me: Really? Reaaaallly? I'm gonna go ahead and pass. Goodnight

Mighty Duck: No...come over. Now

Mighty Duck: Now?

Mighty Duck: Are you on your way?

Mighty Duck: When are you getting here

Mighty Duck: ??????

Mighty Duck: :(?

Mighty Duck: ? boo

As you can see, my new found stalker who happens to be Grandpa's ex is currently my deterrent from heading out on another random date with the "eligible" bachelors of Baltimore. (I also realized I have now dated a majority of the city #winning)

Fabulously Lost: 0 (I detracted .5 for this past date and gave it to Internet Dating)

Internet Dating: 12

Costumes: Best left to Nicki and Britney

Golden Girls: Only suitable activity for the late nights. 

Ducks and Dogs: Don't mix...unfortunate combo

Valentines Day: Sucky Holiday (unless you wanna be my valentine?)

New York = Aggressive

This past weekend I had the pleasure of visiting my older brother up in the greatest city on earth, New York. Now for those of you who don't know me, I have a massive obsession with all things New York. It was born from my father's incessant bragging that no other state could compare, and no other city could really compare. I am horrific at United States geography because of this. My knowledge of the states was based off of a map like this one:

That being said, it is always a treat for me to go visit my family and friends up in New York, and I probably sound like an annoying child the week prior to visiting. 

Me: Soooo what are you doing this weekend? *snicker snicker*

All People: Uhh I don't know, probably drinking or something. What about you?

Me: IM GOING TO NEW YORK WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

All People: Oh cool, I'm sure you will have fun

Me: HA HA HA, Are you kidding? While you are drinking in bumblefuck, MD, I will be hob nobbing with celebrities and socialites. That's how its done in NY. 

All People: Cool...I guess you like it up there. 

Me: Who doesn't like the happiest place on earth?

All People: I thought the happiest place on earth was Disneyworld?

Me: Obviously you were mistaken. Check your facts, if you don't like New York you are a terrorist and a keeper of doom.

All People: I feel like that's a bit drastic...

Me: I didn't make up the rules, I just enforce them.

As you can see....I can be a bit dramatic about my love of the city. (Whaaaaat? YOU? Dramatic? PISH POSH!. Yup, I know its a shocker) I decided that I wanted to take this opportunity  in the city to flex my social networking skills and see what NY's dating world had to offer. I had added several of the GPS fueled dating apps to my phone and I was ready to go. My poor brother had no idea what he was getting into when he invited me up for the weekend.

To my complete and utter surprise, days before I went up, I got a gchat from my brother asking if I would be down to go to a gay show tunes bar in the Village. (I'm gonna repeat that sentence) Gay. Show tunes Bar. Village. AS if this was request I would ever turn down, I gladly accepted and told him to beware, my inner theatre diva would be joining me for the weekend. (Honestly, when isn't the diva present?) I loaded my bag with cologne, fancy underwear (which would probably only be seen by people if my bag flung open in Grand Central Station.), and lots of outfit changes. 

The bus trip up to NY was a nightmare. I met a drug addict mom who was tweaking on Vicodin (the only seat on the bus was next to her) and she spent the two hour journey to Philly telling every detail of her drug induced life. While this was going on the resident drug dealer on the bus was selling and buying Oxy.  I then had an hour layover in Philly. (Yes...buses have layovers. They have layovers in the grittiest parts of town.). The second half of the trip wasn't as bad but still cramped. This wasn't the amazing time I had been telling people I was going to have, but I am now well informed on the different types of Oxy (Heyyy Jealousy). 

Once I arrived in the city my different "dating" apps began to BLOW up. Messages from white, black, Asian, and Hispanic men began flooding my inbox. Now I can tell you that I received more views and comments while I was up there than I have in the entire month of January. Some highlights:

UWS Socialite: I see you are visiting from Baltimore? The best sites are in my bedroom...

I know NY very well, I don't think I have ever heard of you bedroom as a pit stop...

Captain: You're hot. Meet me at 90th and Amsterdam. There is a bar there, we can play in the basement.

1. Thank you. 2. My mother told me not to go in strange basements. 3. Was that reallly a pick up line?

2DAYS: Hey, I'm in the city two more days until I am deported...wanna make it worth my while? Help me complete my bucket list in Central Park. 

Uhhh....I think I'm good? And did you want to go ice skating in Central Park? What is on your bucket list? Being vague is unbecoming. 

I was obviously a popular guy up in NY, and despite the enormously creepy aggressiveness of the men on these sites, I felt pretty. (Yup, I said it....hypersexual innuendo made me feel pretty. I have three sessions with my therapist next week.) But it wasn't until we got to the gay show-tunes bar that I truly felt the power of my overwhelming attractiveness. (HAHAHAHAHAHA...I died typing that.)

We arrived at the bar and immediately got drinks and started singing Cabaret. Life. Was. Good. Sooo many men, mostly old ones, crowded around this tiny piano bar singing their hearts out. When it was my turn to buy the obnoxiously expensive round of drinks I was accosted at the bar by this older fellow in his 50s, who spun around and asked me several questions.

Oldie: Do you like show tunes? Isn't this bar great?

Me: I do like them, thats why I came! So great! *puzzled*

Oldie: I wish I were gay. I connect with them so well.

Me: I am gay....its pretty great. 

Oldie: I could tell, just call it a hunch.

(Ummmm...A HUNCH? You are in a homosexual bar singing show tunes. Everyone is a little gay. Also RUDE. I am not that gay....all the time.)

Me: Thanks?

Oldie: It's a compliment, me and the wife love the gays. 

I proceeded to walk away slowly and bring the drinks back to the group. As I stood there I began to make Eye Love to a guy sitting at the bar. We were smiling at each other and sort of winking and just being extremely coy. (I probably looked like I was having a seizure since I am a smooth criminal with facial motions) I literally moved my friend Jen to the other side of our circle in order to continue making our Eye Love. But then things got weird...really weird.  Oldie started calling my name from across the bar and requesting that I come meet my Eye Boyfriend. I panicked. How did they know each other? Why wasn't I paying attention before? 

Oldie: I wanted you to meet my friend, Eye Boyfriend. He said he noticed you, like I did! 

Me: Uhh you noticed me? And...Hello Eye Boyfriend.

Oldie: Now that you have met I'm going to my wife.

Me: Merp, uhhh, yup...heyyyy....

Eye Boyfriend: So do you come here often? I'm here most nights.

Me: Nope, just visiting from out of town. (wouldn't he have seen me if I had been here? Most nights)

Eye Boyfriend: Ah yes. Well that's quite lovely.

Me: Yup, do you live around here?

Eye Boyfriend: I live in Brook---OOOOOOOKLAHOMA 

At that point he stopped talking because the title song from Oklahoma came on and he needed to belt it in falsetto. He was off key, off pitch, off tune, off his rocker, and off my dating list. When the song ended, so did our brief romance. I told him I needed to see my friends. He responded in the creepiest way possible.

Eye Boyfriend: Find me at the end of the night. I have a place you can stay the night. Visitors welcome. 

I left New York with a slightly higher self-esteem and a bit more caution with which sites to add to my phone. The trip was a success and a good warning of the dating woes of the greatest city in the world. Can't wait to move there....a different world of mishaps!

Fabulously Lost: .5

Internet Dating: 10.5 (I dated many men that weekend)

Eye Love Making: Better left to the professionals

Musicals: Extremely Homosexual

New York: Aggressive and amazeballz

Meeting the Oompa-Loompa Stalker

Remember that time that I gave my number out to Stalker Dan? Well, as my attendance of the gay bars increased so did the possibility of running into many of the men that I had gone on dates with or spoken to on Grindr and OkCupid. I don't think I took this into account as I began dating most of the greater Baltimore area. Its kind of like when your parents tell you that you aren't invincible and you should be careful when you are driving, and you don't really believe them until you scrap your 1995 piece of junk car up against someone else's car in the parking lot of your high school while the person is in the parked. (This is a very specific example. It didn't happen to me. I'm a fabulous driver. I also didn't hit another car in that parking lot three weeks later on my 17th birthday. Friends did that, I swear....gaawwwd leave me alone. I get it I need driving lessons.) Well my dating life is the smashed cars in the parking lot of life, just sitting there parked waiting to get rammed into by me, the blind driver, who may or may not be listening to Jesse McCartney.

Anywhoz, Stalker Dan holds a special place in my heart and I believe always will. While I sit here and complain about his random text messages, that I still receive to this day, I secretly enjoy the ongoing attention. In fact I got one on MLK Day! 

"Hey the schools have off for MLK jr. Wanna remember him the right way? ;)"

Noooowwww, I don't really understand how we can "winky face" remember him the right way. I am assuming he means something sexual, but if we were to REALLY remember him the right way I feel like we would watch some documentaries, read some articles, go to some museums, etc. You know smart people stuff. (Or you could do what my 75% white high school did and combine it with African American History Month celebration and have a dance show where the big "African American" inspired dance number was actually done by 2 white girls...but I digress) 

Stalker Dan found me on Grindr as well and pretended not to recognize me to try and make it seem like he was just randomly instant messaging me. This happened about a week before we met at the gay bar. 

Stalker Dan: Oh hello there, you are quite attractive

Me: Hey Dan

Stalker Dan: How do you know my name? That was a really good guess

Me: Dan, its Mitchell, you know who I am.

Stalker Dan: I don't think we have met before. Did we accidentally sleep together once?

Me: Ugh no Dan, we didn't. We met on OkCupid....we never went on a date. 

Stalker Dan: Well thats unfortunate. We should change one of those things! Wanna accidentally sleep together?

I am not confused or disturbed by the fact that he is randomly finding me on other online "dating" websites, but more by what he is saying. I don't really understand how one "accidentally" sleeps with someone. I have been in many precarious situations but I never blamed alcohol for "accidents" (whether it is hooking up with people, public urination, public dancing, or public humiliation. I'm a classy guy...). I also don't understand why he wants us to plan on "accidentally" sleeping together. This all seems very strange, but if you notice I still respond to his cries for attention, because I am desperate for male attention and my online stalker boyfriend provides me with a little bit of comfort. (I am seeking therapy, I promise. Sorry Mom!)

A week or so after this wonderful online encounter my Gay Bffl, my partner in crime, and I decided to go to the gay club on a random Wednesday. (Yup, I called him my partner in crime. Yup I can hear my father saying that. Yup I'm gonna stick with it). Now the gay club/bar on a Wednesday is generally reserved for those beautiful people in life who are alcoholics, lonely, and/or looking for that midweek hook up...no matter how desperate the other people look. This doesn't seem that far off from most straight bars to be honest, except they usually mask it with "Trivia Night". Gay Bffl and I decided it would be fun to go look at all of these people and indulge in some midweek dranks. (We may have already been wildly under the influence after each finishing a bottle-ish of wine at dinner. It's normal and cost effective, a serving size is one bottle...right?)

As we arrive at the bar we already know its going to be a good night because we both run into past "conquests" of ours. We genuinely feel better about ourselves when we see those we have dated looking lonely at the bar. (we obviously don't take into account how they view us...since we are at the same bar, at the same time, doing the same thing. Thats neither here nor there...we have drunk confidence so screw their thoughts!) We immediately order a Belvedere and Water for each of us and begin scoping out the crowd. Within MOMENTS I scan the bar and see Stalker Dan sitting at the end of the bar coyly playing with his drink, staring at me and waiting for me to notice him so he could saunter over and say hello. 

It seems, however, that I have a pattern when it comes to meeting men online. Remember above when I thought Stalker Dan was sitting at the bar because of where his body was positioned on the bar? Welp, turns out Stalker Dan is a solid 5' 5", which for some reason isn't how I pictured him at all. I then had one of those moments you see in t.v. where the weird main character does a flashy thing and pieces together small pieces that no one remembers seeing (because they didn't happen) but they are somehow able to solve the mystery. I tried to remember all of his profiles that had popped up over the last 7 months and I realized he didn't have his height listed on any of them. Now in all honesty, sometimes when I'm drunk I like to "remember" things because it makes the moment a little more dramatic and fun. (Whaaaaat? Meeeee dramatic?? N-E-V-A. Neva....ok maybs a little. But I was pretty sure that he didn't list his height.)

Well the little nugget made his way up to me and in true form pretended not to know me. As if this was just a normal meeting of two people at a bar on a Wednesday night. 

Stalker Dan: Well how are you this fine evening, sir? *winks in a very unattractive way*

Me: Hi Dan, I guess its good to finally meet you? *Sticks out hand for an unreciprocated handshake*

Stalker Dan: *strokes my arm instead of shaking my hand* Do we know each other from another drunk fun evening cutie?

Me: Nope Dan, we have been chatting on and off for several months on OkCupid and Grindr, and you text me every once in awhile.

Stalker Dan: We must have had some fun, I don't give my number out to just anyone. Even if they are as hot as you

Me: Nope, we have never met before. Also you definitely gave me your number in the first message you sent me, no fun necessary.

Stalker Dan: Well lets fix  that then, shall we? I don't live far from here and I could use a buddy to walk me home.

I think that his little attempt at being suave was failing miserably,  and also the coy "mysterious" game fails when you text and message me on every "dating" site possible. ( Also, having self esteem lower than the pits of hell, telling me I'm hot is generally a turn off. What a charming quality, right?)  I also want to take a moment to discuss the last part of his last sentence, "I could use a buddy to walk me home." Now I understand how it can be hard for a little nugget on the streets of Baltimore, but when you are in your mid-late twenties and also the size of an oompa-loompa I don't think you should use that as a way to get men back to your apartment. 

(He's the one on the right.)

I vehemently declined his kind offer and turned to Gay Bffl for some help in the matter. First he ignored me, which I can only assume he did because it is interesting and amusing to see an oompa-loompa pursue a giant, but  he finally came around and saved me like his dutiful rights as the Gay Bffl enforce him to do.  We did an old switch-a-roo in where I was standing and I smoothly fit myself into the convo he was having with another friend of ours. (now when I say smoothly, I can only assume it was the opposite of smooth because I had been drinking...Who am I kidding? I'm not smooth sober. I straight up awkwardly ignored Stalker Dan)

Stalker Dan and I have seen each other several times since our original encounter but none of them have been quite as enlightening or illuminating as the original, when I felt a bit like I had just walked in on Charlie's Chocolate Factory of Misfit Oompa-Loompa's.  

Internet Dating: 8.5 (he was already a fail...no need to increase a number right?)

Me: .5

Oompa-Loompas: Alive and well in Baltimore

Drunk Confidence: Welcome on all my dates

To Hike or Not To Hike...

I have never been the outdoor-sy type, like ever. I never loved being in the woods or playing sports and I certainly never thought the idea of camping sounded like fun or a vacation. For the most part I blame my wonderful parents for that one. (because what are parents good for unless you can blame them for all of your weird habits and your inability to hold healthy relationships with other people? Am I right or am I right!! ZING Parents!) Once in high school I did a leadership program where we had to do an overnight camping/ropes course/team bonding thing in the woods. I died. Like literally almost died because there were no showers and it was the middle of the summer and I had to sweat in front of people like an animal. It was then that I swore off outdoor-sy things like a bad hangover.

Well I must have had severe memory loss after a night of drinking to agree to go on this date with an avid Hiker. Sometimes I go on these weird kicks where I decide I am going to overhaul my life and change everything immediately. I plan out my next moves and I tell everyone to get ready for the new and improved me. Since I was on this dating site, I decided it was time to expose myself to men I would normally avoid like the plague. I have a normal list of do's and don'ts when choosing men on these sites.

Do's:

• Likes television 
• Likes music (specifically Adele and Britney....this one isn't hard to find)
• Mentions being sassy and having a good sense of humor
• Drinks on a moderately regular basis...

(As you can see I am not hard to please...so WHY aren't there more men knockin' on my door? Mind boggling I know)

Don'ts

• Don't mention a love of the outdoors 
• Don't mention an intense love for the gym 
• Don't come across more vain than me 
• Don't mention heavy metal music
• Don't just have a pic of your body (for Grindr, yes surprisingly there are a lot of headless men out there)
• Don't mention your profession in a cocky way or talk about it too much 
• Don't mention being lazy as a positive thing
• Don't look grungy

The Don'ts list could actually go on forever, but those are some of my top ones. When I go through these "life" changing kicks I decide to wipe my do's and don'ts lists clean and try out new people. Who knows, my future hubby might get me into camping and shooting things and we might have a farm when we grow old. I pictured the Brawny man swooping me up in his muscle-y arms and teaching me all the manly things in the world.

(I literally just said "blech" typing that out. I will never have a farm or live on one. This pile of masculine is best found in wet dreams...)  

Well, Hiker decided to message me during one of these kicks and I decided to be Gung-ho about it, to the point of looking up the possibility of buying good hiking shoes for our weekly dates outdoors. Hiker messaged me about life and where I was in the grand scheme of things. He actually messaged me at one point and asked me about how I felt about Mother Earth....and I still went out on a date with him. NOT only did we go on a date, but our date involved hiking. I agreed to go hiking on a first date. Hell actually froze over that day. 

We met at some trail near my parents house in Ellicott City that, apparently, had the "most beautiful views of landscape." In my true fabulous nature, I showed up to the date wearing jeans and a button down (plaid, of course) with my shoes that looked like they could be Timberland's but were really just a cute non-boot boot. I thought, even out in nature, one should look cute for their first date. Welp, I was extremely wrong and would later end up getting rid of those cute shoes because they get ruined. Hiker shows up and is wildly surprised to see me standing there in this outfit. 

Hiker: Hey! Did you bring a change of clothes?

Me: Whaaa? Haha no silly! This is what I am wearing 

Hiker: I mean you look great, but we are going off the trail and hiking in the woods. I don't want you to ruin your nice clothing

Me: Thank you, that's so sweet! I'm glad you think I look great.

I had obviously ignored his blatant warnings and all I heard was that I looked great. I mean, he should have told me we would be going off the beaten path...more than he already did? Anywhoz, we began walking and talking and getting along fairly well for the first 5minutes. Then things began to head south and I realized what I had gotten myself into. 

Did you guys know that there are a lot of bugs out there? Also, trees cover the sun but they don't remove my ability to sweat. We had literally been walking 5min before I felt the first drip trickle down my forehead. It was one drop that felt like a tsunami to me. I knew what was happening, my body was about to release the flood gates of hell and unleash its sweaty-ness in all its glory. I brushed this one droplet off my forehead and began to get nervous. Oh...and I sweat more when I'm nervous about sweating. (Isn't this an attractive quality? It doesn't just happen on dates, it happens on interviews, during confrontations, and when I'm dancing with someone at the bar [i'm always nervous i'm a bad dancer, when we all know I'm Shakira])

Just as I feel my back moistening we decide to take a sharp turn and climb up this mountain. And when I say we decided I really mean Hiker, because I would've preferred sitting in an air conditioned cafe. The conversation also didn't stray from the outdoors either. 

Hiker: So...you said that hiking is one of your favorite activities, do you always go dressed so nice?

Me: You are totes winning brownie points! One always must look his best, right?

Hiker: So what are your favorite trails around here?

Me: This one. *mopes forehead for third time*

Hiker: Oh, cool. Have you ever gone off the trail like this?

Me: All the time *tries to slyly check for pit stains, shudders when they are present*

Hiker: I want to go along the Appalachian at some point. Quit work and just take my time going from Maine all the way down. 

Me: Would you have to camp? Where do you go to the bathroom? This doesn't sound so pleasant.

Hiker: I thought you went camping all the time?

 Me: *crickets* 

As you can see I took some liberties and adjusted my profile to best fit the type of man I wanted to help me with my life change. Unfortunately his annoying questions about things I had no idea about didn't bode well for me. The real winner at this point was...welp there was no real winner. I'm sure he was wondering when it had monsoon-ed because I was now wearing a different colored shirt and I was wondering why he had decided to take me on a death march. 

The only time I feel it is permissible to sweat in front of someone you are dating is when you are at the gym (Lord knows why you would ever go to the gym with someone you are dating...), or if you are dancing at the club and everyone is one ball of disgusting sweat. This date was a fail and a half. It was then I realized that I am meant for the finer things in life...like indoor activities. My idea of a vacation involves mojitos, a hotel, and possibly a spa...most definitely not sweating and pooping in the ground. Hiker and I finished the trail early and parted ways without so much as a promise of connecting later. I think he knew I had lied on my profile, which I ended up switching back to sounding more like me. 

Internet Dating: A resounding 8.5

Fabulously Lost: .5

Hiking: Not for everyone, especially this queen

Cute Hiking Clothing: Nonexistent  

My 5 Hour Boyfriend...

When we were younger my brothers and I got along fairly well with our parents as well as each other. Our parents were fairly liberal in the sense that we were allowed to date pretty much whenever we wanted (Heathens! Its why I'm gay now...I dated too many girls too early on. Used up all my heterosexuality by the time I was 7. Hookin' knows no age) My older brother famously always had a girlfriend from the time we were young up until he met his current girlfriend (They've been together a bajillion years at this point. When I was 18 I talked to him about how I wasn't comfortable with his dating her so seriously because I had commitment issues. Everything is about me obviously)

He had, what I would like to think is, the shortest relationship in the history of relationships when we were in middle school. He dated a girl from 1st period - the bus ride home. I'm sure it stung, but I topped his short relationship on a recent evening out with a gentleman. This is a story of the time I had a beginning, middle, and end of a relationship within the span of 5 hours.

I'm sure you can tell there is a certain pattern I go through before I go on a date with someone. We message, I fall in love, we meet and I fall out of love and onto my face, much like when Lucy pulls the football out right before Charlie Brown kicks it.

Every once in a while I go on a date purely out of self pity and I am not terribly into the person. Its like when you pity sleep with someone because you don't want to sleep alone and you also know they are super into you so you feel better about yourself. You do that right? That's...like...a thing, right? Well anyways, I decided to meet up with this guy for dinner and drinks in the hopes of having a little company and maybe a free dinner.

We met at a little place in Fells Point for dinner and then planned to go to drinks at one of the surrounding bars. When I arrived at dinner he was already sitting there and I was mildly impressed because he  seemed more attractive than his pictures. This is where my crazy started setting in. I hadn't planned on it coming to dinner...I thought I was stronger than it this time around. I had decided to go on this date just for attention. He was supposed to be crazy...not me. Hot damnnnn this isn't going to be pretty for anyone. 


When I say crazy showed up, I mean that I let my mind wander to the things I always tell it not to wander to. I'm the type of person who always says that I want to be dropped into the middle of the relationship. I will gladly forgo all of the dating formalities and would like to find myself with someone, sitting on our couch, quietly bickering over whether to watch "The Bachelor" or "Real Housewives of Atlanta" (Cahmm ahhnnn who doesn't watch those hot tranny messes. And when I say Tranny I am looking at you NeNe). So when I saw this guy I started planning how we were going to afford a three bedroom house and two car payments on our salaries. THAT'S the type of crazy I am talking about.

Rico Suave seemed to feel the same way about me too. When we sat down we started bonding over the most random things and deciding it was fate.

Rico Suave: What kind of music do you listen to?
Me: Right now my obsession is Adele but I also really like Maroon 5.
Rico Suave: OMG me too! She is fierce and Adam Levine is just hot
Me: *Mouth agape* Are you kidding?? We are on the same page? Perfect!

Now I don't mean to burst past "Me's" little bubble but I haven't met a gay man yet who hasn't really enjoyed Adele's depressing album or who hasn't noticed that Adam Levine is one of the most lick-able men out there. (Yup I did just say lick-able, and I stand by it. I would if I could and you would too) This isn't exactly something to write home about in the grand scheme of things, but I did start thinking about how we could dance around to Maroon 5 in our Calvin Klein underwear (I have a very specific dream, down to underwear....)on Saturdays and then we could cry to Adele on Sunday evenings when the weekend was over.

Rico Suave and I talked for a really long time and then things got serious. He started talking about kids and how many he wanted and what he wanted to name them and where he wanted to raise them and what kind of house he wanted for them and...and...WHOA. I was slapped in the face with my own mental craziness. Rico Suave had this fire in his eyes that I was becoming panicked over. Was this really someone I could be with forever? How could he want to name his child Daisy? What kind of monster is he?


After I took a couple breaths and got over the name debacle of 2011, I rejoined the date with vigor and tried to build off of his excitement. He then stated how he was ready to have a boyfriend, which is something I am on board with. I basically decided we were now boyfriends and I'm pretty sure he did as well. Mind you, this was all before our crab dip had arrived. (Haha single people! I have mastered a relationship in the matter of an hour! Suck it bitchesss) 

We were holding hands across the table and the waitress gave us the "Omgz, you guys are a gay couple! loves it! I'm such a Grace" look when she finally brought over our crab dip. Then we started to disagree on things like what to get for dinner and if we were going to share. It was a little bickering but not too much. (This is normal right? You start dating after 45min and then you start to bicker like a married couple?) We decided to just get different things and then bond over dessert, which I would let him choose since I am not a big dessert person. I'm such a nice person...I know.

We decided to go to Central for drinks after dinner since we both had friends there. This is where things become a little hazy between what is normal and what isn't normal for a first date. (I know, I know...starting a relationship an hour after meeting someone...kinda a little Kardashian and the epitome of abnormal! But hey...neediness does wonders on your self worth.) When we got there I made an immediate beeline for my friends in their normal spot, which is where Rico Suave began to show his jealous side.

Rico Suave: Baby, who are these men? Why are you talking to them.
Me: Ummm remember when we said we were meeting our friends here? These are what I like to call my friends.
Rico Suave: As long as you didn't plan a second date for the evening with one of these men. 


HA! I like that he thinks I could plan two dates in one evening...that's saying OkCupid has produced  two solid dates to fill one evening. Also...why would I waste two dates on one night, spread that shizzz out. ALSO, I am not that clever...I am many things but smooth enough to pull off two dates in one evening is not something I could do without looking like I was attempting to be part of the Three Stooges.

About an hour later, and three Belvedere and Waters deep (don't judge me...I like to hydrate myself as I get intoxicated. BOOM, logic), I started dancing like Shakira with Rico Suave. One of my friends decided we should all dance together and things got c-c-crrrrazy, with Rico Suave storming off and me following him outside.

Rico Suave: You are on another date with him aren't you. How could you do this to me? We were doing so well after our last fight. 
Me: No..I swear! He is just a friend, the other guy is his boyfriend!
Rico Suave: I don't know what to believe anymore. I feel like I don't know you anymore. 
Me: Well, to be fair this is our first date...
Rico Suave: There you go making jokes at my expense


Drunk me decided it was time to go home. Even in my glorious haze of alcohol, I knew maybe the time for the date to be over was now. I realized that our relationship had played its course...we were only meant to be together 5 hours. Rico Suave drove me home (he was sober, which makes the above exchanges that much weirder. even for me...) As he dropped me off he officially broke up with me.

Rico Suave: I think we should see other people. We could have been great...


I got out of the car and realized that I had just been out crazy-ed. How is this a real situation? Why do I always find myself in these situations. We cycled through an entire relationship and I was exhausted. I took a couple weeks off from going out on dates to breathe. I needed to mourn our relationship.

Internet Dating: 7.5
Fabulously Lost: .5 (that sort of counts as a win, right?)
Shakira: 2
Water: Solid mixer, good for combating hangover